My Journal--Fifth Month (Four Months Old)

April 26, 1999
Monday night

I haven't felt like writing lately. I regret it now, of course.

A couple weeks ago, around the 15th, my breast got sore again, but this time it didn't get any worse than that... no shakes or anything. I took it easy, though, and it hurt a little to carry Calvin. I had to be careful not to bump my right breast (it was my right side this time; last time it was my left side).

At the time of the sore breast, I had had a cold for about a week or so, so I guess my immune system must've been a bit worn down. Then last week, on the 20th (Tuesday), both John and I got yucky sick. We were throwing up and stuff and it was horrid. I never felt so icky in my life.

My mom came over the night we got it and stayed until 3:00 am, and then she had to got to work the next day. We are so grateful to her, because we felt so horrid we couldn't do anything. She helped with the children and patted my back and brought me liquids to drink and a cool washcloth for my forehead and gave me some homeopathic drops she got at the healthfood store. She was great. :) (This Sunday she got what we had, or at least had the same symptoms :(.)

I nursed Calvin even though for a while I didn't feel like it. At least nursing is easy in bed! Poor thing knew something was wrong. It was neat because the next day, on Wednesday, I was able to stay in bed most of the day with Calvin, and he didn't mind. I nursed him often, and we slept a lot, so I got a lot of much-needed rest.

At Church

He slept about 10 minutes, then I handed him to John and he woke up. John walked him a little in the hallway, but then they came back in. Oh, by the way, he likes it when we sing the hymns. :) Ellen did great in church, too. She is really learning to sit quietly. We are so proud of her. :)

After church Calvin started crying in the car. We stopped and I nursed him. Then he cried again, a real intense cry. We stopped and John changed his diaper. He still wasn't happy, though, and he cried most of the rest of the way home even though I was singing and trying hard to make him happy (I sit in the back seat with Ellen and Calvin). He is never like that in the car, so it was really weird. Even though he cried so much, Ellen actually fell asleep and took a nap--something she usually doesn't do.

He cried more than normal last night, too, and seemed like he would today, but I held him in the sling awhile and laid down and nursed him and helped him get a good amount of sleep today and he was back to normal this evening. :)

Whiny (but often sweet) Ellen

But she also does a lot of very sweet things. She loves giving us hugs. I think she is feeling really out of control these days--I think I am probably trying to be too controlling. I need to give her more choices, praise her, etc........

O, yeah, duh. She's probably acting that way partly because I am nursing her less and less. I know I need to go about this differently. Argh. It's frustrating.

April 28, 1999
Wednesday night

Well, of course the next day after I wrote about my concens about Ellen, she acted great. She was great today, too. So I worry too much. ;) Things are okay now. lol

I forgot to tell you that when I had a cold, Calvin had one too. Ellen had one first, and I thought we were going to avoid getting it, but then Calvin and I got it. It wasn't a very bad cold, but it hung on for a while.

Also, I think I forgot to tell you that Ellen threw up for the first time in her life last Sunday (a week and a half ago). She said her tummy really hurt; after a while she threw up and then she was fine. A couple days afte that was when John and I got really sick. I am so glad neither Ellen or Calvin had to go through that. Mommy milk is awesome stuff. :)

We still use Calvin's infant car seat in the house. I didn't want to use it as much as I do. I absolutely love holding him, but I get tired of holding him sometimes. I feel bad writing that; he's so wonderful and I love being near him. I wanted to be one of those moms who carries their baby in a sling all the time, but it's hard on my back. He's growing faster than I thought he would. I'm guessing he is near to 18 pounds now. We do carry him a whole lot, but many times I lay him in the car seat when I need to do some cooking or laundry or whatever. Also, he usually sleeps in it when I am on the computer at night.

I wanted to mention that a couple weeks ago there was a night when he was cheerful and just wouldn't go to sleep. Usually, though, he goes to sleep well. I pretty much always nurse him to sleep now (even for naps). Some nights he's bit more restless and needs me to hold him more than others.

Ellen is excellent at entertaining him, and I think he would be sooooo bored if he didn't have his big sister. Did I tell you she sings to him when he is upset? It's so sweet. She is so good at hearing him. Sometimes he will sleep for a while in one of our bedrooms. We keep our ears open and check on him often to make sure he is okay. (Ellen checks on him, too. :)) Well, she often hears him before I do. Her ears are really sensitive to his cries. She's a caring sister. When we hear him we say, "I'm coming, Calvin!" And he is starting to expect our arrival and not get so worried. He's easy to calm down, but I still was concerned that maybe it was too hard on him to wake up in another room than us, but now I think it's okay.

He used to take a nap in the same room as us, but he's getting more sensitive to what's going on around him and doesn't sleep well with too much distraction and noise. He's very curious about things. :) So I found that he will take a longer nap if I go and lay down in a bed and nurse him to sleep. Then I "sneak" away; or sometimes I take a nap with him while Ellen plays by herself.

Once he took a nap for about three hours, but usually it's maybe half an hour or so. Today he took about an hour nap in one of our bedrooms. He's still not rolling... though he's close, and he doesn't move much at all in his sleep, so I feel comfortable with him sleeping on our bed. But I am not sure what I will do when he gets more active. I guess I'll have to put pillows up to guard him from the edge of the bed??? I'm not sure. Hmmmmm.

Of course we still sleep together at night, and I plan on letting him do it for as long as he wants to. I love sleeping with him.

It's so cute the way his body is so flexible and curls up in my arms or to fit into the sling kangaroo-style. He's cute, cute, cute!!!!

And Ellen is cute, too. :) She still is nursing about two or three quick times a day, but doesn't get so stressed about it when I ask her to stop. She's getting more and more willing to have something to drink or eat instead. She hasn't been asking to nurse before she goes to bed; I didn't purposely try to get her to stop doing that, but I guess sometimes she probably got tired of waiting until Calvin was done. Recently she told me she wanted to nurse lots like Calvin does. I feel bad that I don't feel like doing that, but I am really relieved she is starting to accept what I feel I can give her.

The other day I nursed them both together (I hardly ever do that, as I find it hard for me to do). But Calvin was upset and needing to nurse and I had told Ellen she could nurse, so I let them both nurse. It was really sweet. They held hands a little, and then I think he got his hand caught in her hair. lol.

Gotta go. I guess I am making up for hardly writing anything for so long!

May 13, 1999
Early Thursday morning

Ellen is sleeping on the couch, and Calvin is sleeping next to me on the floor in his carseat like he does just about every night before I go to bed. I need to take Ellen into her bedroom; I guess I will when I am done with this.

Ellen didn't nurse at all on Sunday. She asked, but things kept coming up that distracted her, and we never got around to it. Then the next day she nursed four times. I think she nursed about three times today. It's going fine, actually. She's not too stressed about it now, and I'm not either. :)

I don't know how much Calvin nurses. I don't keep track of it! Sometimes I think about it and think it may have been awhile, maybe even almost three hours. But I'm pretty sure he usually nurses more often--sometimes a couple times an hour, sometimes a couple times in a couple hours--but he nurses less often than he used to when he was a "little" baby. Did I tell you we can even go for walks in the park without him needing to nurse? It seems I always had to nurse Ellen when we went for walks in the park when she was a baby, so I think this is great! Calvin gets distracted easily. He is very interested in his surroundings. Sometimes he nurses best when we are alone and laying down in a bed.

Sometimes he nurses right to sleep; other times he acts really hungry and gulps down the milk. Sometimes he nurses on one side, falls asleep, wakes an hour later and nurses on the other side. Sometimes he nurses off of both sides at the same feeding. Sometimes he's happy with just a sip. I try to let him do what he wants! Some days he nurses more than others. Some nights he nurses more than others... some nights he is a bit restless. Last Saturday night was like that. It seemed like he woke every hour, but then I nursed him, and he went right back to sleep. He was back to normal the next night which is getting up a couple times I guess?? at night and then nursing quite a bit in the morning while I try to keep in him bed as long as possibls so I can keep on sleeping. ;) Some mornings my breasts feel a bit full when I wake up, and they leak sometimes.

Anway, besides breastfeeding :) here are some things that are going on... I don't know if I mentioned Calvin learned to squeal. He doesn't do it a whole lot, but he did for a couple days.

He had his first professional pictures taken on Monday. It was very tiring for him and for Ellen, too. She also had some taken. It was at a Sears portrait studio. They lady did a good job, but she tried soooo hard to make Calvin smile. All you have to do to make him smile is smile at him (at least it works when I smile at him usually :)), and she was doing all these noisy, funny things. I think it was over-whelming to him. He was really a trooper, though. Ellen thought the lady was hillarious, but it went on for too long and they got tired of it. I think the pictures are cute, of course. ;)

We're not starting solid foods yet. Calvin is still a big guy; he can wear size 18 mo clothing. He's definitely growing well on mama milk. :)

Oh, I forgot to mention that he can sit up without support a little bit. He is very strong. He likes to sit up. He still hasn't really rolled over yet, but I'm not concerned because he seems so strong; I bet he could do it if he really wanted to.