I got pregnant the first time in 1987. I had been told at 19 that I was infertile with "no hope" - but all it took was a little clomid (50 mg) and guess what - I was pregnant that first month. At exactly 12 weeks - on Mothers day I started to cramp and bleed - went in for a vacuum after it was determined that the baby had died. I was devastated - angry - scared. I up and quit my job - I didn't want to answer anyones questions.

Between 1987 and 1992 I had 3 earlier miscarriages - probable blighted ovums. Still taking clomid. We kept trying - waiting three months between losses - but pregnancy was *not* easy to come by. Then in early 1994 I was pregnant again. Again another 12 week loss. I was a little ignorant - I had an ultrasound where the heartbeat was 83 and I was walking around bragging - not realizing that it should be 120 - 160. I thought it was "in the bag". Well, in May of 1994 I began spotting, went to bed, and lost the baby three days later despite my efforts.

I was devastated beyond belief at this point - five losses - why was my body doing this to me? Why was I a failure? I told my husband that it was no use - I was too afraid and bewildered to ever try again. We have custody of his three sons from his first marriage so that was to be how I'd be a mother. Still yearning all the time - secretly - never daring to go back on my resolve to not try again.

WHAM - April of 1996 I became pregnant - without clomid. Had an ultrasound at 7.3 weeks - heartbeat was 156. Went to my fertility specialists until 12 weeks when I was "dismissed" to a regular OB. We were ecstatic. I had a few days of spotting in the first trimester - it turned out to be related to intercourse - nothing to worry over. Two more ultrasounds were given in the first trimester to "reassure me" and everything was great. Baby was exactly the right size and the heartbeat continued to be strong.

Second trimester - 20 weeks - another ultrasound. Again, everything was fine - clear sailing. Scheduled another ultrasound for 24 weeks to do fetal measurements - what my HMO terms - a fetal scan.

Two weeks later I had made a killer pot of chili - it was cold outside - It had a ton of beans. I got horrible gas pains. Or so I thought. I went two days with on and off "gas pains". Tuesday 9/17/96 I went home from work and told my husband that my stomach was killing me and I wasn't going to eat dinner. He works nights - left at 6:30. He called me at 8:00 and still no relief - I was trying everything. Earlier that day I had lost what I now know was my mucus plug - I thought it was just - well something caused by pregnancy. Or rather my denial. At 9:30 I went to the bathroom and had a "bloody show". I called the preterm labor line at my HMO and was told to get to the hospital. I called my husband at work and it would take him a half hour to get home. In the meantime I dressed and prepared to go. Then feeling a need to vomit I rushed to the bathroom - and with one dry heave my water broke with a big gush. I actually thought the baby had slipped down my pant leg. Called the preterm labor line again and they told me to go to a different hospital. The new hospital was farther away but was a better hospital with a perinatal ward and connected to Children's hospital. I arrived at the hospital at around 10:30 p.m. and was told that there wasn't much hope at 22 weeks and water being gone from my uterus. I waited to deliver. At 3:57 a.m. on 9/18/96 my 1 lb 1 oz 11.4 inch long son Michael George was born. At 3:59 a.m. he died as I held him.

The woman awoke with incredible pains in her belly. She was frightened because she was pregnant with her and her husband's first child. She also thought she had peed in the bed because she felt liquid between her legs. Even though the blankets were covering her and she felt her husband's warm body next to her, she was ice cold.

She shook her husband awake. He turned on the light next to the bed and was shocked by her appearance, she was white as a sheet. She told him in a trembling voice what was going on. He pulled the covers back. They were both stunned by the sight of the blood soaked bed and nightgown.

He grabbed the phone and dialed 911. He told the operator to send the ambulance, his wife was bleeding to death. He covered her back up with blanket and held her in his arms, trying to comfort her trembling body.

She felt so cold and hurt so much. She also was terrified because she knew something was wrong with the baby. Her husband talked to her, trying to keep her attention. She knew he was scared too, but wasn't trying to show it. She heard sirens that seemed to be coming closer. Her husband told her that he had to go unlock the door, but he would be right back. As he left, she thought of her love for him as her vision faded to black.

He ran to unlock the door just as the police officer arrived at it. As they ran back to the bedroom, he quickly explained what was going on. He saw that she was unconscious and tried to wake her up. The cop took one look at the blood soaking through the blanket and radioed the ambulance to move it. He could still feel a pulse and pleaded for her not to leave him.

When the paramedics arrived, the cop had to pull him from her. They quickly attached ECG leads and got an IV going and put an oxygen mask on her. The cop helped him put on a pair of pants and shirt. Other cops had arrived and they loaded her on the stretcher and took her out to the ambulance. He got into the back with her.

As soon as she was secured, they took off, siren blazing. He didn't remember much of the trip, just snatches of the paramedic's radio report: pregnant, hemorrhaging, shock. He held her free hand and tried to transfer his strength into her.

At the hospital garage, they opened the doors a quickly rolled her into the ER's trauma bay. They wouldn't let him in with them, so he had to watch from a distance. Powerless to help her.

After what seemed forever, a doctor came out and told him that she was suffering and abruption and they needed to perform a c-section. He also told him that possible that they might have to perform a hysterectomy if they couldn't get the bleeding stopped. He didn't have to think for a second and signed whatever forms were needed. They let him see her before they moved her to the OR. He almost cried when he saw her hooked up to all the machines and tubes and bottles and bags.

She swam through the cold darkness toward the light. He started crying when he saw her eyes open and look at him. She still felt the pain, but at least he was here with her. He told her what the doctor said and what he had done. He said he didn't because he didn't want to lose her. She said she didn't want to be away from him. When they came to take her, they both said they loved each other many times. He wanted to be with her, but her knew they wouldn't allow it.

As they wheeled her into the OR, she could see the looks of concern on their faces. She knew she was fucked. She welcomed the shot the gas passer gave her that put her into a deep, dreamless sleep.

He waited in the waiting room forever with a 1000 yard stare in a 10 foot room. Finally the doctor came in. He could tell by his expression what the news probably was. The doctor told him that she was alive, but they had to do a hysterectomy. The doctor went on to tell him that he was very sorry, but the baby hadn't lived. They had done everything they could, but he was just too small. He nodded numbly and asked when he could see her. The doctor told him that she was in recovery and would be moved to her room in a few hours. After the doctor left, he just sat there trying to sort everything.

Dawn was breaking when he left the hospital, she was still in recovery and he couldn't be in that building right now. He needed some air. One of nurses going off duty gave him a ride home. He decide to go to school and get a some stuff ready for the substitute teacher he had called for.

He found a number in the address book and dialed it. He never thought he would be calling his mother-in-law because they had never got along. When her mother answered the phone, he told her what had happen. She said she didn't have a daughter by that name and hung up. He stared at the phone in disbelief and unbelievable anger. Finally, he slammed the phone down so hard and so many times that he broke it and the counter. He felt a little better.

He avoided the bedroom and the blood stained bed and went into what would have been the nursery. They thought they would have had several more months and had bought only a few thing big things. They had picked this room because the morning sun filled it with warm light. He sat down on the floor and sobbed for a long time.

When she woke up, she saw that she was in a hospital room and saw all stuff she was hooked up to. She also him sleeping in a chair with his feet up on the bed. She smiled at the sight. She pushed his feet of the bed and that woke him up.

He tried to hide the look in his eyes, but he couldn't. She knew and the tears began rolling down her cheeks. He embraced her, carefully avoiding all the tubes and wires. His tears mixed with hers.

They made no sound because they listened for the whisper of the wings of God's newest and littlest angel.

They heard it.

Hello, I lost my son, Harrison, on October 26,1996 at 20 weeks. He was stillborn; probably due to a umbilical cord "accident", termed spiralling or torsion of the umbilical cord. I have been reassured this is quite rare; but I still cannot help feeling some guilt.

This was an unplanned pregnancy. I have two living angels, Terise(14) & Caitlin(6). There are three of my babies in Heaven, Harrison being the only one I had the opportunity to deliver and hold for a few brief moments.

I just read your story about Michael and I really sympathise. You see I know how you feel.

I too have lost 6 babies. My pregnancies have also all been with the Help of clomid and my last pregnancy was a result of an embryo transfer.

My first pregnancy ended at 9.5 weeks when I started bleeding and spontaneously aborted. This was in august of 1991 and 2 months later I was pregnant again and this time I carried until 22 Weeks. I had complications during my 13th week when my appendix burst and had to be removed, but this apparently had nothing to do with why I miscarried. It was pretty obvious from the way things happened that I have an incompetent cervix. I had no warning signs, no pain, I just felt my mucous plug come out and then started having painless contractions. A couple of hours later I had a show which is when I went into hospital and the doctor discovered that I was 4cm dilated. They managed to stop my contractions but 4 days later my waters broke and after 30 hours I was still not fully dilated so I had a ceasarian section. I did not see my baby son.

7 months later I fell pregnant again - this time with twins. I was really happy, but my doctor was not. He knew that with an incompetent cervix, twins would only make carrying to term that much less likely. I had a shirodkar suture and all went well until around 20 weeks. My stitch then started to tear my cervix and had to be removed and A new one put in. 2 days later I developed an infection and become so ill that the pregnancy had to be terminated in order to keep me alive. We lost a son and daughter and I spent nearly 2 weeks in intensive care in a very serious condition.

2 years later in early 1995 we tried surrogacy with my husbands sister but we had three attempts which all failed and then felt we just could not go on.

Nevertheless, 8 months later we decided that I would try one last time and in march this year after one embryo transfer I fell pregnant again with twins. Due to the complications in my previous pregnancy we decided not to have a stitch and I just went to bed when I was 16 weeks pregnant. At 20 weeks I was admitted to hospital when a scan showed that my cervix appeared to be shortening again. I stayed in hospital on a drip for the next 6.5 weeks until at almost 27 weeks my uterus suddenly ruptured. Once again my life was in danger as I was losing so much blood. The doctor ceasered me and delivered our 2 beautiful baby girls - Megan and Casey. My uterus was completely destroyed and I had to have a hysterectomy. Megan and Casey lay in the neo-natal intensive care unit for 2 incredibly stressful weeks. They suffered so much during their short lives, because such extreme measures had to be taken to keep them alive at such a premature age. Eventually it just became to much for them and they passed away within 24 hours of each other. They are buried in a tiny grave together. I still cannot believe that they are really gone. I yearn to hold them constantly and now that I have had a hysterectomy the future seems so bleak. I really don't know where to from here?