Recently I was honored to be selected as an
Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be
a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted
to do it.  Also the original person called in sick at 
the last moment and I happened to be standing there at
the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon
when the call came.  I was assured by the other two
judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and
besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those
burdens you endure when you're an Internet writer and
therefore known and adored by all. Here are the
scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato.  Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild.
CAMERON:   Holy smokes, what is this stuff?  You could remove 
  dried paint from your driveway with it.  Took me two beers to 
  put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one.  These people 
  are crazy.

Chili # 2:  Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?)  with a hint of pork.
  Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken 
  seriously.
CAMERON:   Keep this out of reach of children!  I'm not sure 
  what I am supposed to taste besides pain.  I had
  to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
  Heimlich maneuver.  Shoved my way to the front of the
  beer line.  The barmaid looks like a professional
  wrestler after a bad night.  She was so irritated over
  my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her
  eye started to twitch.  She has arms like Popeye and a
  face like Winston Churchill.  I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili!  Great kick.
  Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use
  of red peppers.
CAMERON:   This has got to be a joke.  Call the EPA,
  I've located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have
  been sneezing Drano. Everyone  knows the routine by
  now and got out of my way so I could make it to the
  beer wagon.  Barmaid pounded me on the back; now
  my backbone is in the front part of my chest.  She said
  her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back
  they call her "Forklift."

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
  Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans.  Good
  side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a 
  chili.
CAMERON:   I felt something scraping across my
  tongue but was unable to taste it.  Sally was standing
  behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash
  over to see her.  When she winked at me her snake
  sort of coiled and uncoiled -- it's kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers
  freshly ground adding considerable kick.  Very 
  impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use
  more tomato.  Must admit the cayenne peppers make 
  a strong statement.
CAMERON:   My ears are ringing and I can no longer
  focus my eyes.  I belched and four people in front 
  of me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed hurt
  when I told her that her chili had given me brain
  damage.  Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer
  directly on it from a pitcher.  Sort of irritates me 
  that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
  Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet.  Aggressive use of
  peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
CAMERON:   My intestines are now a straight pipe
  filled with gaseous flames.  No one seems inclined to
  stand behind me except Sally.  I asked if she wants to
  go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance
  on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in
  canned chili peppers at the last moment.  I should note
  that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be
  in a bit of distress.
CAMERON:  You could put a hand grenade in my
  mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it.  I've lost
  the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is
  made of rushing water.  My clothes are covered with
  chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some
  point.  Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me.
  Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late.  Tell our
  children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them.
  I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm
  not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air I'll just 
  let it in through the hole in my stomach.  Call the X-Files
  people and tell them I've found a super nova on my
  tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced
  chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it
  was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili
  pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
  chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
  declare its existence.
CAMERON:   Mama?

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