Subject: Smart House


   TCI, the nation's largest cable television company, is in talks
   to launch a unique pilot project in conjunction with Pacific Gas
   & Electric Co.  and Microsoft Corporation to design a "smart
   home." The home automation industry is expected to triple in
   size, from $1.7 billion this year to more than $5.1 billion by
   the year 2000.

   May 28, 1998
   Moved in at last.  Finally, we live in the smartest house in the
   neighborhood.  Everything's networked.  The cable TV is connected
   to our phone, which is connected to my PC, which is connected to
   the power lines, all the appliances and the security system.
   Everything runs off a universal remote with the friendliest
   interface I've ever used.  Programming is a snap.  I'm, like,
   totally wired.

   May 30
   Hot stuff!  Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up
   the thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone,
   remotely tweaked the oven a few degrees for my pizza.  Everything
   nice and cozy when I arrived.  Maybe I should get the universal
   remote surgically attached.

   June 3
   Yesterday, the kitchen crashed.  Freak event.  As I opened the
   refrigerator door, the light bulb blew.  Immediately, everything
   else electrical shut down - lights, microwave, coffee maker -
   everything!  Carefully, I unplugged and replugged all the
   appliances.  Nothing.  Called the cable company (but not from the
   kitchen phone).  They refer me to the utility company.  The
   utility insists the problem was in the software.  So the software
   company runs some remote telediagnostics via my house processor.

   Their expert system claims it has to be the utility's fault.  I
   don't care, I just want my kitchen back.  More phone calls.  More
   remote diagnostics.  Turns out the problem was "unanticipated
   failure mode" - the network had never seen a refrigerator bulb
   failure while the door was open.  So the fuzzy logic interpreted
   the burnout as a power surge and shut down the entire kitchen.
   But because sensor memory confirmed that there hadn't actually
   been a power surge, the kitchen's logic sequence was confused so
   it couldn't do a standard restart.  The utility guy swears this
   was the first time this has ever happened.  Rebooting the kitchen
   took over an hour.

   June 7
   The police are not happy.  Our house keeps calling them for help.
   We discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25
   decibels, it creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get
   amplified when they hit the window.  When these vibrations mix
   with a gust of wind, the security sensors are actuated and the
   police computer concludes that someone is trying to break in.  Go
   figure....

   Another glitch: whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode,
   the universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV.
   That means actually have to get up off the couch and change the
   channels by hand!  The software and the utility people say this
   flaw will be fixed in the next upgrade - SmartHouse 2.1, but it's
   not ready yet.

   June 12
   This is a nightmare.  There's a virus in the house.  My personal
   computer caught it while browsing on the public access network.
   I come home and the livingroom is a sauna, the bedroom windows
   are covered with ice, the refrigerator has defrosted, the washing
   machine has flooded the basement, the garage door is cycling up
   and down and the TV is stuck on the Home Shopping channel.
   Throughout the house, lights flicker like stroboscopes until they
   explode from the strain.  Broken glass is everywhere.  Of course,
   the security sensors detect nothing.  I look at a message slowly
   throbbing on my PC screen:

   "Welcome to HomeWrecker!!!  Now the FUN begins....(be it ever so
   humble, there's no virus like HomeWrecker....)" I got out of the
   house - Fast!

   June 18
   They think I've digitally disinfected the house, but the place is
   a shambles.  Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure we've
   got the part of the virus that attacks toilets.  Nevertheless,
   The Exorcists (as the anti-virus SWAT members like to call
   themselves) are confident the worst is over.  "HomeWrecker is
   pretty bad," one told me, "but consider yourself lucky you didn't
   get Poltergeist.  That one is really evil."

   June 19
   Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses.  "Fires and
   mudslides yes," said the claims adjuster, "viruses, no." My
   agreement with the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all
   claims and warranties are null and void if any appliance or
   computer in my house networks in any way, shape or form with a
   noncertified on-line service.  Everybody's very, very sorry, but
   they can't be expected to anticipate every virus that may be
   created.  We call our lawyer.  He laughs.  He's excited.

   June 21
   I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep.  As a special holiday
   offer, we get the free opportunity to become a beta site for the
   company's new SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade.  He says I'll be able to
   meet the programmers personally.  "Great," I told him....  as I
   loaded my shotgun.