Hello Friends, I have been asked to speak at a local Memorial service for Victims of Violence. For this month's article, I would like to share that talk with you.

For 45 years, I had lived a life untouched by violence. I had never been mugged, raped, attacked or assaulted in any way. Although I knew that the world was a violent place, like most people, I thought it always happened to someone else. On the morning of May 13 1998, I found out that no one is immune to violence.

When I walked into my son's home and found his body crumpled on the floor, when I saw his blood in puddles and streaks and smears, the world as I knew it came to an end and the person I had been, died that day too. My life shattered into a million tiny pieces, like fine crystal smashed against a brick wall. My son, Jamie, had become a victim of the worst kind of violence, he had been murdered.

Before that morning my life had been a normal one, now I live in a world that is totally different from anything I ever imagined. I'm not like normal people anymore. There will always be a wall between me and the world of people who have never had to live through and with this pain and violation. I may look to others like a grown woman, an adult, but in reality, I am a 22 month old baby, who is having to learn how to live in this strange new world. One who is having to learn about this new person I am becoming. Nothing, not even myself, is familiar to me anymore.

Most of the first year after Jamie was killed, was spent in a mind-numbing fog. Trying to function enough to keep day to day life going was a major challenge. Some days, just getting out of bed, brushing my teeth and dressing, was a major accomplishment. I quickly learned to live one day at a time and that my life now was to be a series of baby steps back to some kind of sanity. Life didn't make sense anymore. Much of my time was spent sitting in a chair and staring at a picture of Jamie, trying to make some sense of this totally senseless thing. Trying to make myself believe that it had really happened, and wasn't just a nightmare from which I would awaken. From having found his body, I was now a victim of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Soon, I began to have to take medication for anxiety and an irregular heartbeat. Sudden or loud noises would startle me so badly, I would almost faint. For a month after that day I could not eat. I lived on Sustecal with an occasional cracker or two. I started therapy to deal with the shock, anger and grief. Therapy that I am still in today. We lost my husband's father almost 11 months to the day of Jamie's death. He was 85 years old and grieved himself to death.

Gradually, the fog lifted, but that's when the real pain set in. There was no more shock and numbness to dull the pain. I felt guilty for being alive while my son was dead. There was nothing in life that brought any pleasure. How could I feel pleasure if my son was dead? It's very hard and takes a long time, and alot of work, to get to the place of being able to feel good without guilt, but I am getting there. Part of the effects of Jamie's murder have caused me to become involved in victim's issues and in grief support. To honor him and keep his memory alive, I have learned to speak up, where before, I would have been silent. I've become a more compassionate person, but also one who is not afraid to speak out for victims of violence. With Mary Ann Stroup, Victim Advocate for the county of Greenwood, we started Healing Hearts, a support group for victims of murder and suicide. I am the assistant founder of an online support group, called My Mom Is A Survivor. I write a monthly article as the correspondent for Parents Of Murdered Children, for another online support group, F.A.I.T.H, Finding An Inner peace Through Healing. I have been to Columbia for Victims Rights week and to Atlanta for National Children's Memorial Day. I've written letters to the editor and given interviews. All for the purpose of honoring Jamie and all other victims of violence. An online friend does presentations at high schools in her state and surrounding areas. Jamie's story is one of those presentations. Three times a week, every week, hundreds of high school students hear about Jamie and what happened to him. They get to know him and come to understand what violence does to survivors. I've made wonderful new friends who understand, and are not afraid of my pain and grief. Not all that has happened since his murder has been bad. It's that good, and hope for the future, finding that most people are good, compassionate people, that has kept me going this far.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. We still have the trials and all that goes with that to face. It's been almost 2 years and still, we haven't seen justice done for Jamie. There's something terribly wrong about that. Maybe trying to bring changes to the justice system for the good of victims lies in the future, I don't know. All I do know for sure, is that as long as I can, I will do all I can to keep Jamie's memory alive and to not let his death have been in vain. I will do whatever I can to keep the criminals from taking anything more from us.

Until next month, Peace be with you all. Karen McCombs
In Memory of Jamie and Ashley

To Learn more about "P.O.M.C.©",
The National Organization of Parents of Murdered Children, Inc.
please visit their site:
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