When Jennifer was diagnosed with leukemia, among the ton of bad news was the doctor's comment on the high divorce rate among couples with a terminally ill children. At the time, it seemed like an unlikely prediction, and certainly the least of our worries.

I am sad to say I have again become another terrible statistic. I filed divorce papers last week. After losing Jennifer, it seems a terrible price to pay and I sometimes wonder if there is an end to the far reaching corners of death and grief.

But I also realize, it is unfair to blame a failed marriage on the death of our children. It is just an easy excuse, and one that is filled with injustice. Jennifer lived life to the fullest, touched countless lives during her 16 years 10 months on earth and could never have been the cause of further pain to me or her family. If she were here, she could be outraged at the ignorance, stupidity and selfishness that brought my husband and I to this point. And she would be the first to say......."this was not my fault."

I am saddened by my divorce, but angry that some chose to use Jennifer's death as the reason. Perhaps the truth is that there were problems we ignored during happier times. Maybe the positive changes that we make in spite of the tragedy are a threat to those around us. My husband says I changed and I don't deny that. But I know I have changed for the better. I am more tolerant, more loving, more compassionate and less judgmental of my fellow man. I worry less and live better. There is no room in my life for anger, bitterness or condemnation. I play harder and work less. I make time to tell my family and friends how much I love them and am no longer too proud to say I am sorry or admit I was wrong. I hug more and yell less. And I am in awe of the beauty around me, the magic of a baby's smile and the joy that fills my heart from the simplest of life's pleasures.

I know that God's plan is perfect, even though it is impossible to understand. And I am sure He is with me always. And in the big scheme of things, nothing is too tragic or too big for Him to handle.

With Love, Judy
Grief Recovery Online - A Common Bond Beyond the Pain