(updated from time to time and last on fEbRuArY 9, '99 WHEW! THat was a LONG TIME AGO!) I hope you find something to entertain you here... After all the riddles & jokes, there some links To other funny places. be sure to check these out too! RIDDLES... Find out JUST how smart you are! CoMmOn SeNsE InTeLLiGeNcE qUiZ Who said this? "The budget should be balanced. The treasury should be refilled. Public debt should be reduced. The arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled. Assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed." ANSWER TOO GOOFY! What did the snail say when he was on the turtle's back??? ANSWER Dr. Tony Evans asks: "What is the difference between a cantankerous, contemptuous woman and a pit bull??" ANSWER JOKES... THINGS DOGS MUST TRY TO REMEMBER The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff even though I haven't got a chance to rip the bag to shreds to see what was in it. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up or have an accident. I will not throw up in the car. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal dung. "Kitty box crunchies" are not food! I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard or house depending on which end processes it first. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging. I will not take whatever I please and hide it under the bed so my people can have a scavenger hunt looking for it. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration. I will not stand around Mom when she is cooking or when she is carrying her coffee, so she won't trip over me. I will not beg for food at the supper table, and especially not eat someone's food if they leave it for just a moment. I will not tear up the patio furniture, or put holes in the screen so I may jump in and lounge, just because I don't want to stay outside for more than 2 minutes. I will not chase the cat, and knock over breakable things in the process. I will allow Mom and Dad some room and covers when we go to bed. A LETTER FROM SCHOOL... AND BACK Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love Alway$, Your $on Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is aNOble task, and that you can never study eNOugh. 39 REASONS TO BE A MAN Contributed by LouAnne Telephone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. You don't have to learn to spell a new last name. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear costs $10.00 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. Everything on your face stays in its original color. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean your apartment/house if the meter reader is coming. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me". Same work … more pay. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. Wedding dress: $2,000. Tuxedo rental: $75. You don't mooch off others' desserts. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. Your pals can be trusted to never trap you with, "So, notice anything different?" You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You don't have to stop and think which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. At least a few belches are expected and tolerated. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes … one color … all seasons. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes. TOP 25 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS Contributed by Byrone Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them. We put the "k" in "kwality." If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation. Plagiarism saves time. If at first you don't succeed, try management. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself. The beatings will continue until morale improves. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. We waste time, so you don't have to. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY. Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment. We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day. You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see". Watson: "I see millions and millions of stars". Holmes: "And what does that tell you?" Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes: "Someone stole our tent!" A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this: Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?" Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, Ill explain what happened." Judge: "Proceed." Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground." Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony." 15 minutes goes by and the judge returns. Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn`t intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges... But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?" Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl." THINGS YOU WON'T HEAR A SOUTHERNER SAY ~ We don't keep firearms in this house. ~ Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer? ~ You can't feed that to the dog. ~ I thought Graceland was tacky. ~ No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. ~ Wrasslin's fake. ~ Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? ~ We're vegetarians. ~ Do you think my hair is too big? ~ I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. ~ Honey, these bonsai trees need watering? ~ Who's Richard Petty? ~ Give me the small bag of pork rinds. ~ Deer heads detract from the decor. ~ Spitting is such a nasty habit. ~ I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. ~ Trim the fat off that steak. ~ Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. ~ The tires on that truck are too big. ~ I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. ~ I've got it all on a floppy disk. ~ Unsweetened tea tastes better. ~ Would you like your fish poached or broiled? ~ My fiancée, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. ~ Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. ~ Checkmate. ~ She's too old to be wearing that bikini. ~ Does the salad bar have any bean sprouts? ~ Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. ~ I don't have a favorite college team. ~ I believe you cooked those green beans too long. ~ Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. ~ Elvis who? ~ Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. While waiting, an Airman leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Marine joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a MARINE. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a MARINE. The fella next to him is 6'5", weighs 250 and he's a MARINE. Now, do you still wanna tell that joke?" The Airman says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times." oooo! dat wasn't nice! A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." Actual Signs Contributed by Mark Logan At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container." In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager." On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.--Sisters of Mercy" On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot." In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday." In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed." In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy." In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home." In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center" On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church." On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.." At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel." On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs." In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work." In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan." In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks." In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!" On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced" Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?" In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends." On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak." In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished." In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves." On a roller coaster: "Watch your head." On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission." On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable." Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car." Did you hear about the terrorists who took a courthouse full of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one lawyer every hour until their demands were met! A man entered a newspaper's pun contest, sending ten different entries, in hopes that one would win. As it turned out, not one in ten did. OXYMORONS Tight slacks Soft rock Almost exactly Good grief pretty ugly Terribly pleased Anarchy rules