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Jack decides to go skiing with his buddy Bob. they load up Jack's station-wagon and head north. After driving for a few hours, they get caught in a terrible blizzard. They pull into a nearby farmhouse and ask the attractive lady of the house if they can spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explains, "and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack says, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack gets a letter from the widow's attorney. He calls up his friend Bob and says, "Bob, do you remember that good looking widow at the farm we stayed at?" "Yes, I do", replies Bob.

Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" "Yes, I have to admit I did." Jack asks, "Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turns red and he says, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did." "Well, thanks.....She just died and left me everything.

Well there was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah", she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know", the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well", Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago. "I wouldn't be surprised", replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too." Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

Three women died and went to the pearly gates , where Saint Peter told them to remove their clothes for religious purposes. "Now why do you have the letter H on your chest?" he asked the first woman. Blushing a bit, she answered, "When my husband and I made love, he always wore his Harvard sweatshirt." "And why do you have an A on your chest?" he asked the next women. "My husband always wore his Alabama sweatshirt when he was in the mood", she explained shyly. "And you? Let me guess," said the saint to the third women. "Judging by the M on your chest, I would say that when your husband made love to you, he wore his Michigan sweatshirt, right?" "No," she smirked, "he went to Wisconsin."

A couple had been married for 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting HUGE! I bet it's as big as the gas grill now." The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick and measured the grill. He then measured his wife's backside. "Yep," he said, "just as I thought - they are just about the same size." The wife got very mad and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband for the rest of the day. That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How 'bout it, Honey? How 'bout a little action?" The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked. She replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big gas grill just for one little weenie, do you?"

Three couples died in a plane crash and proceeded to the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter asked the guy of the first couple want they want. The guy answers: "Well, I'd like to be admitted in heaven." St. Peter started roaring with laughter and said: "What? You? Out of all people? You have all your life only thought about making money! You even called your wife Penny. Bugger off!" The second couple walked up to St. Peter and the guy asked: "Can I get in?" St. Peter frowns and said: "No,no,no,no. You have spent your life boozing. You even called your wife Sherry. Get out of my sight!" Upon which the guy of the third couple said to his wife: "Come on, we don't stand a chance her, Fanny!"

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, typical banter between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky". Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. Just last year, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbour's bedroom windows. His neighbours were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" True story.

A young punker gets on the crosstown bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather and rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are adorned with all sorts of piercings and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just stares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punker gets fed up and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at you old fart......didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you please say a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for their services?" Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem; my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin." In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin. "Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones. "God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin. "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon. Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again. He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!!!" The sermon was over.

A surgeon was retiring from his long and rewarding career as a specialist in circumcision. Throughout his career, he had saved the foreskins of his patients in specimen jars as momentos, and now wished to fashion them into a souvenir. So he brought his hundreds of specimens to a leather smith, and asked him to craft an article of fine artistic quality. "I'll see what I can do," said the artisan, "Check back with me in one week." The surgeon returned one week later, eager to see what magnificent article the leather smith had made for him. But the leather smith presented to him only a wallet. "All those foreskins and you make for me only a wallet?" exclaimed the surgeon. The leather smith replied "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase."

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. "Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked. Cindie put her hand up and said "Moooo!" "Very good" replied the teacher,"what sound do sheep make?" "Baaaa" answered Jimmy. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?" All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall mutha!!"

Mr. Perkins, a Biology Teacher at a private school, was conducting a lecture. He singled out one of the students to ask a question. "Miss Smythe," he said, "What organ of the body, under the proper conditions, can expand to 6 times it's normal size?” The girl grew red in the face, stood up, and said, in freezing tones, "Mr. Perkins, I think that that question is very inappropriate, and you can be sure that my parents will be hearing about it." Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins continued with his lesson, asking another girl, “Miss Jones, the same question.” She stood up and answered, "The pupil of the eye, sir." "Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "Now, Miss Smythe, I have 3 things to say to you ... 1) You didn't study your lesson. 2) You have a dirty mind, and 3) One day you are going to be very, very dissapointed!

A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!” The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, 'Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit, he hears the fans roaring run ....run!! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick acccent: ""Rrrrrun ya bahstard, rrrrrun will ya!! A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased ith his knowledge fo the game, screams, "Rrrrrrun ya bahstard, rrrrrun will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling, "Rrrrrrrun ya bahstard, rrrrrun!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers, "He doen't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation, the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and cries out .... "Walk with prrrride, my mahn ... walk with prrrride!!

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed -- I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be willing to split the cost. But to tell the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I am not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning, John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. When asked how he had slept, he replied, "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time," John said. The manager asked, "How did you manage that?" "He was already in bed, snoring away when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said 'Good night, beautiful.' He sat up the rest of the night watching me.

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."

Be careful what you wish for : A man walking down the beach, sees a old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed off genie emerges. She says "normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son of a bitch, I am going to grant only 1". He thinks a minute and says "OK, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed". She says "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle. Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance.

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam & said: "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered: "Yes, Lord, but what is a' kiss '?" The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said: "Thank you Lord, THAT WAS enjoyable!!!" Then the Lord replied: "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam says, "What is a 'caress'?" So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling and said: "BOY, that was even better than the kiss!!!!." And the Lord said: "You've done well Adam, NOW I want you to make love to Eve." "What is 'make love', Lord?" asked Adam. So, AGAIN, the Lord gave Adam directions & Adam again took Eve behind the bush----but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. The Lord looked very disappointed and said to Adam "is there a problem"? Adam, with a quizical look on his face, says "Lord, what on earth is A HEADACHE?”

A guy stops at a country gas station. While pumping gas he discovers his watch is broken. He spots an old man sitting next to a donkey. "Hey old timer what time is it." The old fellow reaches over and grabs the donkeys balls and a second later replys that it's 12 noon. The guy thinking that he was being jerked around goes into the gas station and asked the attendant for the time. The attendant says it is 12:01. The guy finding this a curiosity goes back out to the old man and asked, "Hey old timer I'll give you twenty bucks if you tell me how you told the time with those donkey balls." The old man snatches the twenty, grabs the donkey balls, lifts them up and says, "You see that clock way over there on that wall?".

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. While his father was gone buying popcorn, the boy piped up, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. "No, not that - at the other end." "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." "No, Mom. Down underneath." His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. While she was gone the boy repeated his questions. "That's the elephant's trunk, son," he replied. "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the other end, down underneath the elephant's tail." The father took a good look, "Oh. That's the elephant's penis." "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?" The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

A LITTLE AUTOMOTIVE HUMOR Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the angel tells Ford, "You've been a great guy and your invention, the car, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven." So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with Adam, the first inventor." So, the angel points out Adam to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, he asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of the Woman?" Adam says yes. "Well," says Ford, "you have some major design flaws in your invention. 1. There's too much front end protrusion. 2. It chatters at high speeds. 3. The rear end wobbles too much. 4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust." "Hmmm . . . ," says Adam. "Hold on." Adam goes to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. Then, he says to Henry Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the celestial supercomputer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

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