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When my printers type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business"? 'Actually, it's my boss' idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix it themselves first".
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food", the poor man replied.
Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife and two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with me too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as athe limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows said," sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about two metres tall".
A couple of years ago, I helped a friend buy a computer because he said I was the only "computer friend" he had. Recently he decided to buy a more powerful computer and again asked for my advice. "I'm sorry," I told him, "I haven't kpet up with computers much since your last purchase". "Great," he said, "Not only do I have to upgrade my computer, I have to upgrade my computer freind too."
When my son Jared began spending lots of time in the Internet chat rooms, I worried that his grades would suffer. I made him promise to do schoolwork until I returned home at 5 pm. One day at 4:30, I decided to check up on him. Using my office computer, I went on-line and entered his favorite chat room. To my dismay I saw Jared's name among the list of current participants and immediately decided to teach him a lesson in front of his cyber friend. "Jared," I typed, "this is your mother and you are grounded for two weeks!". "Hi, Mrs. Beyeler," came a reply, "this is David. Jared is doing homework right now and he said I could use his computer. But I'll be sure to let him now that he's been grounded."
Little Johnny comes home from Catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with other boys?" "But dad," says Johnny, "it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and the teacher infront of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!" "Johnny", the father said, "you don't do those kinds of things to women! Just leave it alone!" Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk about this?" "But dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood you and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie, who was sitting next to me, saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. But now I know that she doesn't like that, so I pushed it back in!"
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "Have you managed to live a well-planned life?" "Oh yes!" said her friend. "First I married a millionaire, than an actor. My third marriage was to a preacher and not I'm married to an undertaker". "What do all those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?" the first friend asked. "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go".
Little Adam was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Adam down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, little Adam comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books and paper are spread out all over the room & Little Adam is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner & to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for some time, day after day while the Mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, Little Adam brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table & goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it & to her surprise, little Adam got an A in Math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room & says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Adam looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it??" Little Adam looks at her and says "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
A local United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer... The person in charge of donations called him to persuade him to contribute... "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000,you did not give a penny to charity... Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way??"... The Lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her income?" Embarrassed, the United Way Rep mumbled, "UM...no"... "---or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way Rep began to stutter & stammer out an apology but was interrupted... "----or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident?", the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with four children?" The humiliated United Way Rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again... "---so if I didn't give any money to them, why should I give any to you??"
Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green. The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one. Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered. "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I said, well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office. Do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes, she came out..... carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and children. All were singing Happy Birthday.... and there on the couch I sat...... with nothing on but my socks......
Two fellows, Charlie and Bill, were good friends and they loved softball, playing the game every day together as children...and on through life, spending their summer after-work hours at the sport in various leagues for whatever their age was at the time. Finally, after a senior citizens-league game, as the two were having a beer, Bill contemplated their long love affair with softball, and said to Charlie, "You know, we can't last forever. I really love softball. I wonder if it's played in the after life?" Charlie replied, "I've wondered the same thing. Can we keep the game going beyond this life? Let's make a pact. The first one to die, tries to come back and let the other know if there's softball in Heaven." They agreed, and a few year's passed until finally, Bill's number was called. His death left Charlie to play softball without his best friend, but play on he did, until he returned home from a game to find a somewhat transluscent version of Bill sitting in his favorite recliner in the living room. Ah, thought Charlie. He's kept our pact and come to tell if there is softball in Heaven. They greeted each other warmly and finally Bill got to the point. "I have good news and bad news," he said to Charlie. "The good news is that, Yes, there is softball in Heaven." "But," asked Charlie, "What is the bad news?" "The bad news," answered Bill, "is that you're pitching tomorrow."
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn`t mind being a young, beautiful princess." *** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman`s cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. *** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you`re sorry you had me neutered."
One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man, "That's a great looking pig, but why does he have a wooden leg?" So the man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to safety. Saved my life." The bartender says. "Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?" The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One time I was out sailing and the boat capsized. This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life." The bartender says, "That's really terrific, but why the wooden leg?" The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during an earthquake my house collapsed and my pig pulled me out. Saved my life." And finally the bartender says,"Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, an earthquake and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?" The man says, "When you have a pig this special you can't eat all of it at once."
A Pollack came to Chicago's bar and ordered a drink. The news was on, there was a guy standing on a ledge of the top floor of a Sears Tower, ready to jump. So Pollack yelled to bartender: "Hey buddy, I gonna bet ya 20 bucks, he ain't gonna jump." The bartender accepted the challenge. Thirty minutes later the 'Sears guy' jumped. So, Pollack removed $20 and put it on a counter. The bartender told him to keep his money because: "an hour earlier I had seen the news, and I knew that he would jump, so it would not be fair to keep your money" and Pollack replied: "Keep the money, you won. I watched the same news an hour ago, but I could not believe he would jump for the second time"
WHY WE'RE ALL SO TIRED For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're just sitting there surfing the internet.......can you guess why I'm so tired?
A man had a terrible pain in his groin. He told his wife and she said "Well, you better go to the doctor to find out what is wrong." So he goes and his doctor says "The only solution for your pain is castration." The man said "No way forget it. I'll deal with the pain." The doctor replied "Okay but that's the only cure". He goes home and tells his wife. She asks "Well are you going to do it?" "Are you kidding? No way." he replied. Days go by and the pain gets worse. He finally goes to his wife and she says "We've been married for 32 years and I think we've had a good sex life. I understand if this is what you have to do. I don't think our marriage will suffer." So he goes and has the procedure done. A couple days later, while recovering he was very depressed (boy I wouldn't know why :o)]. His wife comes to him and says "Why don't you do what I do when I'm upset. I go shopping and treat myself to something." He takes her suggestion and goes to a local department store. The salesman comes up to him and asks "My I help you sir?" "Yes I think I'm interested in a sports jacket" the man says in a very uninterested tone. "Size 48 right!" "Well, you're right. How did you know that." The salesman replies "I'm a professional and I'm never wrong." After he pick the jacket the salesman asks "Is there anything else you would like?" "Well I think I would like a shirt to go with my new jacket" "Right this way sire. Neck 15 1/2 and 33 sleeve." "You're right again. How do you know" he says surprised. "I told you I'm a professional and I'm never wrong," he replies. He gets the shirt and the salesman asks once again. "Is there anything else for you sir?" "I'd like a new hat." "Well then sir you'll be needing a size 7 3/8" The man is astonished, "you're right again". "I told you I'm a professional and I'm never wrong." The man gets a few more items and is beginning to be rang up. The salesman asks one last time. "Is there anything else for you today sir?" "Well I do need some more jockey shorts." "Very well sir you will need size 38." The man got excited and said "Hah! You're wrong. I wear a size 34." The sales man replied, "Sir I'm a professional and I know you wear a size 38. If you wore a size 34 you would have terrible groin pain."
"During the space program, the Apollo astronauts practiced 'moon-walking' in the Southwestern deserts. The strange sight of the space-suited figures wandering around the landscape attracted several Indians. One of them could speak English, and the officials in charge told him what they were doing. When he informed the others, one old man wanted to write a message to send to the moon. The NASA people humored him, and he scratched out a message. When the other Indians read it, they smiled, but didn't say anything. The NASA people couldn't read it, since it was in Indian, and they finally had to resort to paying a willing Indian, for whom they had to search, since most refused to tell them what it said. The note said, 'Watch out for these people! They're coming to take your land!'
Sometimes it DOES take a rocket scientist... Scientist at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof windshield and smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified, Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, begging the US scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence: "Thaw the chicken."
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you." The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?" The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise." The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?" The brother replied, "Denephew."
A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God Dear" he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life! She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning".
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long. In the line of men that dominated women there wasonly one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" "Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one on that line?" and the man said "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
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