While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.Proper use of
toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However,
if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. Dirt
and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste
of finger foods.
DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup,
and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with
your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared
by a taxidermist. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table..
no matter how good his manners are.
DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the
first date. Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested:
"I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff
on the men's bathroom wall two years ago. Establish with her
parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00
pm; Others might say Monday. If it is the latter, it is
the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking
to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't
hear you.
WEDDINGS
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride more than five seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky
appearance. Though uncomfortable,say "yes" to socks and
shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun
is.loaded and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four
way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the
right of way. Never tow another car using pantyhose and
duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas
can, it is impolite to ask her to bring beer back. Never
relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially
when driving. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral
procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview. Always identify people
in your yard before shooting at them. It's considered tacky
to take a cooler to church. If you have to vacuum the bed,
it is time to change the sheets. Even if you're certain that
you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to
drive a U-haul to the funeral home.
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