And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "JERK!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. Moral: If only men would listen.
Thanks! FunnyBone

QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS:

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it."

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogen. Oxygen is pure gin.

Hydrogen is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five- a, e, i, o, and u."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it
is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is
dead."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.

Contributed by Sandee Madison, Thanks! CCHumor

A Number of Math Quotes

"Math illiteracy strikes 8 out of 5 people."

"Life is good for only two things, discovering mathematics and teaching mathematics." Simon Poisson.

"According to my calculations, this problem doesn't exist"

"Belief is no substitute for arithmetic." Henry Spencer.

"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality." Albert Einstein (1879-1955).

"Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive."

"One has to be able to count, if only so that at fifty one doesn't marry a girl of twenty." Maxim Gorky.

"Moriarty: How are you at Mathematics ? Harry Secombe: I speak it like a native." Spike Milligan (1918-), British comic actor and author.

"Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater." Albert Einstein.

"Round numbers are always false." Samuel Johnson (1709-84), British lexicographer.

"No, it is a very interesting number, it is the smallest number expressible as a sum of two cubes in two different ways." Srinivasa Ramanujan (1887-1920), Indian mathematician. The mathematician G. H. Hardy had referred to the number '1729' as 'dull'.

"Engineers think that equations approximate the real world. Scientists think that the real world approximates equations. Mathematicians are unable to make the connection."

"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math." Bumper sticker.

"It is rare to find learned men who are clean, do not stink and have a sense of humour." Montesquieu (1689-1755) about Leibniz (1646-1716).

"It was mentioned on CNN that the new prime number discovered recently is four times bigger than the previous ord." John Blasik.

"There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't." Bumper sticker.

"Chess is a foolish expedient for making idle people believe they are doing something very clever when they are only wasting their time." George Bernard Shaw.

"The number you have dialed is imaginary. Rotate phone 90 degrees and try again." Thanks HAND!    Have A Nice Day! Funny-Bone

Number three engine missing. (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.  Thanks Lorraine

CARELESS CODE RECYCLING CAUSES KILLER KANGAS

Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force

The reuse of some object-oriented code has caused tactical headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training, programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and - in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix- herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give away a helicopter's position).

The head of the Defense Science & Technology Organization's Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement.

Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively... then did a double-take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding.)

The lesson?

Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife.

Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onward have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to.

-- From June 15, 1999 Defense Science and Technology Organization Lecture Series, Melbourne, Australia, and staff reports

Received from Rodney Ford. Thanks GCFL! ,

A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

Received from Kenneth R. Johnson.  Thanks GCFL!

One day three teenage girls were driving along when they had
a terrible accident.  They were all sent to heaven.  At the
gates, they met St. Peter.  He said to them, "Welcome to Heaven.
There is only one rule here, don't step on the ducks, don't
bother them, just leave them alone.  If you do bother them in
any way you will be handcuffed to the ugliest person in Heaven
for all eternity."

The first teen thought that this was rather funny and in all her
laughter stepped back almost falling over.  "QUACK!" She had
stepped on a duck and so she was handcuffed to the ugliest person
in heaven.  The other two teens walked around Heaven constantly
torturing their unlucky friend.  As fate would have it the second
teen stepped on a duck also.  She was handcuffed to the second
ugliest person in Heaven.

The two girls sat moping at the fact that they were chained to
these people for eternity.  The next day they saw the third teen,
she was handcuffed to the most gorgeous guy they had ever seen.
She looked at them, realizing their questioning eyes, and said,
"He stepped on a duck."

FATHER'S DAY

I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.

Say what you will about healthy eating and all, but I've always found it awfully difficult to explain to my son (who's 6'4" to my 6' in height), why junk food is bad for you.

If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get somebody Who's Everything?

I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.

Mikey's Thot for the Day: There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.

10 Signs That You Have Had Too Much Of The 90's:

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"

Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.

Your daughter just bought on one CD all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.

You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

You hit the wrong button when you're in the elevator and start shouting

"Undo! Undo!" at the stupid panel.

Thanks to Millie for forwarding this to me.  FUNNY-BONE

CAPITALISM

The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions.. Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."