We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern living. But you
may have wondered What if God decided to install voicemail?
Imagine praying and hearing this....
"Thank
you for calling My Father's House. Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for requests
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all other inquiries."
What if God used the familiar excuse.... "All the
angels are helping other customers right now. Please stay on the line. Your call will be
answered in the order it was recieved."
Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call
on God in Prayer? "If you would like to speak to....
Gabriel, press 1
Michael, press 2
For directory of other angels, press 3
To hear king David sing a Psalm while you're on hold press 4
To find out if a loved one has been assigned to heaven,
enter his or her Social Security number.
For reservations at My Father's House, press the letter
J-O-H-N and 3-1-6
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of
the earth, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.
Our computers show that you have already called once today.
Please hang up and try again tomorrow.
This office is closed for the weekend.
Please call again on Monday after 9:00 am
Thursday, March 25, 1999 ~ The kindergarten teacher was
showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to
the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?" A little girl called out,
"That's the flag of our country." "Very good," the teacher said.
"And what is the name of our country?" 'Tis of thee," the girl said
confidently.
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children
getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel
around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who
was that?"
Two little boys were visiting their grandfather, and he took
them to a restaurant for lunch. They couldn't make up their minds about what they wanted
to eat. Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and said, "Just bring them
bread and water." One of the little boys looked up and quavered, "Can I have
ketchup on it?"
A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had
any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood
was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it
hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the
woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure
wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo
while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's
word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he
asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors
yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She
would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last
she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure
out some of these yourself!"
A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was
becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by
asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James
Virgin?"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what
it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the
covers off thy neighbor's wife." Thanks Michael Hancock and GCFL
During his visit to the United States the
Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on
for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media.
The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he
and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was
going home to the White House to be with his family.
A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement.
He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting
with the President was a failure.
Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness,
President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed
on 80% of the items discussed". Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we
were talking about the Ten Commandments." Thanks Lorraine!
IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE:
Original version: If you love someone,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she's never meant to be.
The New Versions:
Pessimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was ...
Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she’ll come back.
Suspicious:
(1) If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
(2) If you love someone,
Set her free ...
but get someone to follow her
(3) If you love someone,
are you sure you love that someone?
Hunter:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don't wait until she comes back,
go hunt her down!
Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back shortly, forget her.
Patient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she does.
C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she-free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;
Possessive:
If you love someone,
Set her free? NEVER!
Paranoid:
If you love someone,
When you let her go,
she'll be out to get you.
Bill Gates :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
Shwarzenegger fans
If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE'LL BE BACK!
Sore-loser :
If you love someone,
Let her go,
If she comes back, dump her!
If she doesn't, make up bad stories about her
If you love someone,
