I would like to take the time to explain some of the thoughts that were running through my mind on the day I got hit and realized that after all the training that I had that I couldn't save a life that I really wanted to. That there was a higher power that we all take for granted and only call upon when we are really at a stretching point. This moment of truth occured as I was attempting with Doc Tura to save Michael Marshall Clayton. I was praying inside that God give us the knowledge to save him.
Update to Doc's Moment of TruthAfter saying this prayer all of a sudden a mortar went off wounding us all and starting me to question God and his actions. As I laid there bleeding and trying to get help for the others, I was in a state of shock that God would allow this to happen. After the other Corpmen came and patched us up we were being carried over to where the medvac would take place. The marines that were carrying me really must have thought I was seriously hurt because of crying out in anguish over what happened. I was crying out not because of my being injured physically but because I thought that God had abandoned me.
My feelings for God at that moment were not the best. I was very angry at him not for giving me the knowledge and skill to help others but in letting me get hit so that I couldn't do my job. In forcing me to watch Michael Marshall Clayton breathing his last, I was cursing God blaming him for everything. Why, if he was all merciful and loving did he allow this type of behavior of mankind to go on? With its countless senseless wars, hurting innocent people, for what reason?
Because of this questioning of God, my faith was shakened deeply. To this day I am only just starting to comprehend what occurred. I had buried this guilt for a long time, refusing to believe that it occurred. For weren't we taught from a young age to love the Lord with all of your heart and soul?
Yet because of this shame I felt, I had buried and forgotten this episode until last year around Thanksgiving (96) when I filed an unfair Labor violation against Management and the Union for violating my rights as an employee to having unrestrictive leave. Nursing had blocked out the 2 weeks at Christmas so that more people could take the time off. I felt that this was a violation of my rights so after I filed the charges, I noticed myself getting more and more upset over little things that never bothered me before.
After I almost exploded at another employee did I go to see a Doctor to refer me to a counsellor for stress as a vet. One of the First questions that the Counsellor threw at me was "Do you believe in God?" I said yes, but was thinking to myself (What a dumb question to ask?). I go to Church and pray to God every week and try to keep the Sabbath, I told him. We then discussed other things and I left.
I thought long and hard during that week over what we had talked about but that question "Do you believe in God?" kept nagging at me. When I saw him the following week I told him "Do you mind if we go back to that first question that you asked me last week? The one where you asked me if I believed in God?" I then told him what had happened when I got hit and the thoughts that had been running through my mind about denying God, being Angry at him and cursing him for allowing things to turn out the way that they did. Also about being ashamed of what I was thinking which went against everything that I had been taught.
I've recently had a chance to read a pamphlet (When You're Angry At God by Father William Rabior) while waiting for my younger son to finish up Altar Boy Service practice. In reading it I realized one thing. I never reconciled my thoughts and hurts with him. On page 22 was this simple prayer which had brought tears to my eyes and I had to take a few moments outside to really look at it and to think. This simple prayer went like this:
As I reflect backwards on my life and how much anger I have kept bottled up inside, I realize that God has given Mankind the ability to know right from wrong. Also in this knowledge the deductive capability to do better in the future. It is up to each and everyone of us to take that path no matter where it twists or turn or forks. To make our decisions and then to be accountable for what we've done. God has a purpose for each and every living creature that he created.
In the past when I've questioned God, He has always spokened. I was just too dumb to understand his methods of communication. Sometimes he answers quickly and sometimes he doesn't grant us what we ask because he knows what is best for us.
In reading this simple prayer I finally started feeling peace within myself knowing that I had been angry at God for the wrong things. You can become angry and shrink up inside so that no one will recognize you as that person you knew years ago or by simply giving up all your cares, concerns to God go on with your life and attempt to return being at peace within. It is your decision to make when you're ready. Stop and think not only of yourself but how you really want to be remembered by all.
GOD
grant me
SERENITY
to accept the things
I cannot change
COURAGE
to change the things
I can and
WISDOM
to know the difference.
But most of all,
give me peace,
in my mind and soul.
Special credit to:
The above quote was made by Ted W. Guy, which any Vietnam Veteran can tell you he has felt but Ted put it in words first for us. My thanks to him for saying it and also my thanks to those of us who made it back one way or another for sacrifices made. Let's not forget our brethern who have not made it back, those POW's and MIA's. Any one of us could have been them.
Get your own Free Home Page