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"Fear Or Anger?"
I awoke with a start at just before four this morning. My nerves strung like tension wires and my breath short and fast. Another dream, another reality. In this one, like the others, Pattie and I had become separated and I just wanted to get her back.
I’m with a successful friend of mine at his property, he doesn’t have a significant other but has built himself a comfortable place to live. He’s lived alone for a long time but seems to enjoy it. I’m without transportation of any kind.
Pattie’s with her friend, an old best friend whom I’ve never liked, at some location that I never seem to be able to find. No one wants to tell me where she is, they want her to have the chance to make the choice of seeing me again.
I can’t handle this, I NEED to know where she is so we can at least talk things over. I want to know what is on her mind. I keep telling myself it doesn’t matter either way. If she never wants to see me again that’s fine, I can move on and build my own place in life. But it’s NOT fine, I want her in my life. I want to know that I haven’t failed her, that I’m not the reason we’re through. Guilt wracks my heart and soul, because deep down inside I know I am the reason. I’ve never really known what I want or which direction to take, does anyone? Sometimes I feel like some secret has been hidden away from just me, like bait on a string. Always hung in front of me but just outside my grasp. One more leap and it’s mine. So I keep leaping but never find the reward I’m looking for and it scares me. Will I ever find it before time and physical abilities run out?
Her friend shows up where I am. I was expecting Pattie but she didn’t come. Her friend starts explaining to me "how Pattie feels" and I scream, "How would YOU know! I don’t want to hear it from you because I don’t believe or trust you, I HAVE to hear it from Pattie!!" She gives me a snide look and I grasp her by the throat. "Just tell me where she is." She gets scared and backs away to a corner, calling someone on her cell phone. After a moment of low level muttering she says, "Pattie will meet you here in an hour," handing me an address. I don’t know this address. I know the part of town where it should be but I don’t know the exact location and that stresses me more.
The place turns out to be a museum of some sort or an art gallery. I have no idea how I got here. Things look familiar, like I’ve seen something like them somewhere before but I can’t be more exact than that. I walk around looking and waiting. No one else is around, but as usual I’m early. I start focusing on a beautiful statue of a naked woman, so perfect it looks almost real smiling at me the way it does. I walk closer to it, touching it to feel the cool texture of it’s exterior. Then I awake, with so many things incomplete and Pattie laying there next to me in bed asleep. I fear the unknown and question the future. Will I leap again at the bait?
Laws (Of Truth)
9/23/1999