Part 5
~~ Time to Grieve ~~

When I first returned home my depression and withdrawal were made worse by the very first midwife who visited. She intodruced herself, got out my charts and proceeded to asked my Mother and Aaron to leave the room so she could have a talk to me and do her examination. It was with very worrying looks that they both went out into the backyard leaving me alone with her. Now I have nothing against midwives, Aiden was delivered by a very sweet and caring midwife. However this lady had a way about her that made the hairs on my neck stand on end. She proceeded to tell me that she had read my notes and considering that I had been through two termination's and a D&C it was apparent that I had a weak cervix and that was why my baby was born prematurely. Of course the reality was very different but she had me convinced that it was my fault, that had I had a stitch earlier it might have been avoided and that for my next pregnancy I should ask for the stitch to stop it happening again. After she had left and I told my mother what she had said to me Mum went into a frenzy. She immediately called the hospital where the midwife had been sent from and cancelled the visits, advising them that her doctor would be taking over my care and would they kindly transfer my records to her surgery. Over the next few days Aaron, my mum and her Doctor reasoned with me that the midwife had obviously not read my whole report. She was not at the delivery and she quite obviously had her facts wrong. My labour had been at least 20 hours, we estimated the time my contractions had begun as 12.30 p.m. the day before delivery. The following Tuesday we buried Aiden at the cemetery on the hill behind my mother's home in the Baby Lawn area. It still amazes me how many baby there are buried there, in Aiden's area alone I would estimate that there are nearly 500 Babies. I had decided to only have a small ceremony with only immediate family, however I was touched that more of my relatives asked if they could attend. We had a viewing before the ceremony and Aiden was dressed in a beautiful little dress that Aaron's mother had hand made especially for him. He truly looked peaceful and I wish so much that I had a picture of him in his outfit. I was given the original outfit to put in Aiden's keepsake box and thankfully Aaron's Mother took photo's of the outfit he is buried in. The next three weeks are a blur to me. I would spend the days and nights crying from my memories and from the pain and loneliness I was feeling without Aiden. I am still surprised that the people I expected would support us didn't and those whom I never imagined would did. I found it hard to face some friends after their desertion of us at our time of need and we haven't seen them since. We have lost a lot of friends through our grief yet made a select handful of treasured friends to whom we will be forever grateful. I was soon to learn that a lot of my friends were to become strangers and stranger were to become friends. I was able to bring myself to attend a support group meeting around one month after Aiden's birth but unfortunately that was not what I felt I needed at that time. For me there was too much grief under one roof and too many multiple losses, too many up front reminders all too early for me to handle. I knew that talking about my experience and sharing my feelings and thoughts with others who had also been there was very important in my healing process. I just didn't feel comfortable in a group. So when my mother offered me the use of her computer to search for information and resources on the Internet I began the healing process I found Pen-Parents and I haven't look back since. I found other mothers with similar stories and shared my story with anyone who would listen. This became my life, I would wake in the morning, shower and drive straight to my mother's house. I wouldn't even stop for fuel, leaving it for my husband to do. I wanted to remember every dream I had for Aiden and every plan. I wanted the world to know who he was and what he meant to me. It was through this that I met Katie a true friend in my time of need. Katie had also experienced the loss of her 24 week old daughter Carly Shane only two weeks prior to Aiden's unexpected arrival. Our experiences were so similar that we formed an ever lasting bond through our grief. We helped each other by sharing our pain and sadness, but we also learnt to laugh again together, and all from different hemispheres. The loss of a child is not something you ever get over. I slowly learnt that with the help of friends who are willing just to listen and from dealing with my grief in my own time and in my own way, it eased the burden, if only a little. I also designed this very memorial page dedicated to Aiden for the Internet. As well as a my home site with poetry, quotes, helpful resources and links for bereaved parents, family and friends it is a way of expressing my grief and also my love for my son. Even just surfing the sites helped make me aware of others grief and observe other ways of dealing with a loss as tragic as mine. I stayed off work for another six weeks but eventually had to return part-time as we were suffering financially. Returning to work was a shock to my system, I felt as if everyone was staring at me and whispering about me. Some were even asking if I was over it yet. How could I tell them that you never get over the death of a baby, you get over a cold or a broken leg. One lady was very insensitive and even commented that I had deserved what had happened to me as I had smoked during my pregnancy. This played on my mind for weeks until I was able to discuss what she was saying with a professional councillor. Not that I wasn't coping with my grief, I felt I was doing quite well. I just needed an outlet once I returned to work. I was becoming a pretty good actress both at home and work. I was even having to hide my pain from Aaron, as after some weeks he had commented that seeing me so unhappy all the time was a continual reminder to him. He was hurting he just wasn't showing his emotions as openly as I was and his coping mechanisms were very different to mine. We have both grieved in our own ways and only recently have been able to talk about Aiden again. The journey is far from over and I will never 'get over' losing Aiden and neither will Aaron but we are learning to live with the pain. I know that nothing in my life will ever erase my memories of what happened the last night of Aiden's short life but sometimes it all seems too unreal. The whole scene is indelibly imprinted on my mind and will remain so for the rest of my life. I have learnt a lot of lesson in life and I believe I have become a stronger more compassionate person through my pain. Aiden has shown me I can love more than I knew possible and can forgive people more readily. I have learnt to appreciate life for the delicate and precious gift that it is. Day by day it is becoming easier to smile at the thought of Aiden and of our short but precious time together. The sound of his name no longer brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it, although there are still times when I am over come and I do cry, sometimes uncontrollably. I still visit his grave site regularly and have the photograph of him in my wallet and on display with my other family photo's. I am proud to say I am a mother and will tell any one who wants to listen my story in the hope that more people can be made aware of how often this type of tragedy is occurring ................... all over the world.

What makes a Mother

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