This is page one of my MOMMY!!! pages.
I got so many funny stuff I wanted to share,
I made a second page AND ...
a third page!
Have fun.

Nice, funny, informative links are always welcome.





Occupations that go along with the job of being a mom:

nurse, chef, maid, laundry attendant
seamstress, gardener, hairdresser, tutor
psychologist, teacher, chauffeur
social worker, referee, coach
cleaning lady, bookkeeper, taxi-driver
police-officer, economist, cook, waitress
nanny, veterinarian, handyman
door-keeper, telephone operator, electrician
secretary, manicurist, chiropodist
dietician, accountant, etc.
(I bet there are many more, please e-mail your suggestions and I will add them!)





Mom's Brownies - a day in the life......

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Jackie and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Jackie. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.

FROSTING

Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine
Take the darn teddy bear out of the stinking broiler and throw it away - far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Jackie having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Jackie to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.
???And they say "womens work is easy???"

I received this one by e-mail from Pattie.





*MOM's DICTIONARY*:

AA

• AIRPLANE: What you impersonate to get a 1-yr-old to eat strained beets.
• ALIEN: A child-sized creature which cleans up after itself.
• APPLE: Nutritious lunch-time snack which children trade for cupcakes.
  
  BB
  
• BABY: 1. Dad with a cold. 2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
• BATHROOM: A room believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
• BECAUSE: Reason for having kids do things which can't be explained.
  
  CC
  
• CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.
• CHINA: Nation populated by children who love leftover vegetables.
• COOK: 1. Act of preparing food for consumption. 2. Mom's other name.
  
  DD
  
• DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
• DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."
  
  EE
  
• EAR: A place where kids store dirt.
• EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
• EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."
• ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of...until asked to do something constructive.
• EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be " put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelesslyhandled butter knife.
  
  FF
  
• FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
• FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question"What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"
• FROZEN: 1. A type of food. 2. What Hell becomes before Mom lets her daughter date an older guy on a motorcycle.
  
  GG
  
• GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.
• GENIUSES: All of Mom's kids.
• GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
  
  HH
  
• HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
• HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
• HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.
• HALL-STAND: MOM as a holder of jackets when the wearer gets too warm and takes it off.
  
  II
  
• ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled them instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
• INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.
• "I SAID SO": Reason enough
  
  JJ
  
• JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.
• JEANS: Pants which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.
• JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.
• JUNK: Dad's stuff.
  
  KK
  
• KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.
• KISS: Mom's homemade medicine.
  
  LL
  
• LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.
• LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends"
  
  NN
  
• NO!: Apperently this has no meaning, even when repeated incessantly as in No,No,No!
  
  MM
  
• MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which make Mom look better but make her daughter look "like a tramp."
• MAYBE: No.
• "MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
  
  OO
  
• OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids.
• OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.
• OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
  
  PP
  
• PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.
• PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddybear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list from last year and several outdated coupons.
  
  QQ
  
• QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
  
  RR
  
• REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
• ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.
  
  SS
  
• SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.
• SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
• SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.
• SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.
• SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma or Grandpa.
• SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds and even pneumonia.
• SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
  
  TT
  
• TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child's "special needs."
• TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.
• "THAT WAY": How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know what's good for them. Also applies to how they talk.
• TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS"
  
  UU
  
• UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.
• UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
• UTOPIA: See "BUBBLE BATH"
  
  VV
  
• VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.
  
  WW
  
• WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
• "WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.
  
  XYZ
  
• ZILLION: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week.
• ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

I got this dictionary by e-mail from Christine.





THINGS YOU LEARN FROM CHILDREN:

• There is no such thing as child-proofing your house
• If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite
• A 4-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant
• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42lb. boy wearing underwear and a superman cape
• It is however strong enough to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 23 ft room
• Baseballs make marks on ceilings
• You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on
• When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the baseball up a few times before you get a hit
• A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way
• The glass in windows (even double-pane) does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan
• When you here a toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already to late
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
• A six year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do that in the movies
• A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day
• If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak- it explodes
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house inches deep
• Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
• Duplos will not
• Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence
• Super glue is forever
• McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know(much less our 4-year old)
• Ditto Tarzan
• No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water
• Pool filters do not like Jello
• VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do
• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes
• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving
• You probably don't want to know what that smell is
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens
• The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
• It will however make cats dizzy
• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
• Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry
• A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)
• 2:00 AM is not a good time to hear, "Daddy, diapers don't flush!"
• No time is a good time to hear, "Daddy, your tires are 'hisssssing.'"
• You never want to hear, "Watch me fly!" coming from the roof
• Nor do you want to hear, "Your new cell phone doesn't work underwater."
• Driveway seal coating and children DO NOT MIX!
• Never light fireworks inside
• Under the bed is not a good place to save snowballs for summer
• Daddy's shoe is not a good home for a pet tarantula
• Hiding uneaten vegetables in daddy's shoes is not good
• Bugs are not a dietary supplement
• Walnuts make the blender act funny
• Scissors and hair are often a dangerous combination
• Collecting things is good.
• Collecting things that come out of your nose is not.
• Eating string is a bad hobby
• Discovering string the next day is a disgusting hobby
• Finger painting is good
• Finger painting walls is dangerous
• If you hear the words, "Can ya eat a lizard's tail?" It's too late
• If you hear the words, "Guess what's in my hands." You don't want to know
• If you hear the words, "Guess what's in my mouth." You REALLY don't want to know
• 'Fan' and 'flour' should never be heard in the same sentence
• The toilet does not make a permanent fish aquarium
• Most toilets can not consume an entire roll of toilet paper without choking
• Any sentence which contains the word 'Oooops' is bad
• Any sentence beginning with, "How much do you love me?" means 'prepare for bad news'
• Throwing daddy's wallet in the trash compactor can change his mood
• Opening all 24 of daddy's cans of beer is a bad idea
• Hiding parts of daddy's computer can make your butt hurt
• Lipstick on the TV screen changes mommy's mood
• Fish can not use a remote control, even if placed in their tank
• "Why do fish float?" means trouble
• Any sentence beginning with, "When [your pet's name] dies..." is never a good sign
• Setting the hamsters free changes the cat's mood
• Cats do not like to be wrapped in duct tape
• Cats get even

Found this one on "World's Best Clean Humor".





MOTHERS:

Many of us take better care of our cars then we do our mothers and yet we only expect our cars to last 5 or 6 years but we expect our mothers to last for a lifetime.

Maybe we need a maintenance manual for mothers so we would know how to take care of them at least as well as we do our automobiles.

Here are some items that might be included in such a manual.

ENGINE: A mother's engine is one of the most dependable kinds you can find. She can reach top speed from a prone position at a single cry from a sleeping child. But regular breaks are needed to keep up that peak performance.

Mothers need a hot bath and a nap every 100 miles, a baby-sitter and a night out every 1,000 miles, and a live in baby-sitter with a one week vacation every 10,000 miles.

BATTERY: Mother's batteries should be recharged regularly. Handmade items, notes, unexpected hugs and kisses, and frequent "I love you's" will do very well for a recharge.

CARBURETOR: When a mother's carburetor floods it should be treated immediately with Kleenex and a soft shoulder.

BRAKES: See that she uses her brakes to slow down often and come to a full stop occasionally. (A squeaking sound indicates a need for a rest)

FUEL: Most mothers can run indefinitely on coffee, left overs and salads, But an occasional dinner for two at a nice restaurant will really add to her efficiency.

CHASSIS: Mother when their bodies are properly maintained. Regular exercise should be encouraged and provided for as necessary. A change in hairdo or makeup in spring and fall are also helpful.
If you notice the chassis begins to sag, immediately start a program of walking, jogging, swimming, or bike riding. These are most effective when done with fathers.

TUNE-UPS: Mother need regular tune-ups. Compliments are both the cheapest and most effective way to keep a mother purring contentedly.

If these instructions are followed consistently, this fantastic creation and gift from God, that we call MOTHER should last a lifetime and give good service and constant love to those who need her most.





Preparing on being a parent:

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

Step 1:
Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

Step 2:
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it -- it'll be the last time in your life thaat you will have all the answers.

Step 3:
To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Step 4:
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Step 5:
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.

Step 6:
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas candle. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty package of Cocoa Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

Step 7:
Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

Step 8:
Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Step 9:
Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

Step 10:
Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

Step 11:
Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Wheeties and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the Wheeties are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.

Step 12:
Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and The Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing Barney's theme song, "I love you.. You love me..." at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

This 12-step test I found on the Funny Farm.








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