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Index back to Safe Kids Missing Children Created by Kids Cool Places for Kids and Teens About Me Links WEB Pages Tips 'n Tricks Your SafetyTips, Stories or Comments Sign My Guestbook Awards Rings e-mail	Learn, listen, and read! Help prevent those heart breaking fatalities and injuries that can be prevented! Any child's safety is your responsibility! Actual Newspaper Headlines Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Farmer Bill Dies in House Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Stud Tires Out Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms Eye Drops off Shelf Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 `84 War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Deer Kill 17,000 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing Air Head Fired Steals Clock, Faces Time Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training Include your Children when Baking Cookies to on the Lighter Side

	Examples taken from Sixth Grade Exam Papers Dinosaurs became extinct after the flood because they were too big to get in the ark. Queen Elizabeth was a fat woman. She stoutly resisted the demands of the Spanish ambassador. "Twilight Sleep" means you set your clock one hour ahead. The general direction of the Alps is straight up. Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 oppossums. We do not raise silk worms in the U.S. because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger animal and gives more milk. Animal husbandry means having more than one husband. A stomach is a bowl-shaped cavity containing the organs of indigestion. Napoleon wanted an heir to the throne, but since Josephine was a Baroness, she could not bear children. The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar. To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray nose until it drops into your throat. The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom. By syntax is meant all the money collected in church from sinners. Henry VIII by his own efforts increased the population of England by 40,000. The blood circulates in the body by flowing down one leg and up the other. Iron was discovered because someone smelt it. The triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. A person should take a bath once in the summer time and not so often in the winter. Strategy is when you don't let the enemy know that you are out of ammunition, but keep on firing. A virgin forest is a forest in which the hand of man has never set foot. A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water and then forcing it through an aviator. The seaport of Athens is Pyorrhea. The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on top and you sit on the bottom. One of the main causes of dust is janitors. A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities. One by-product of cattle raising is calves. New Zealand is a democratic country. They passed a law there preventing women from sweating in the factories. The climate is hottest next to the Creator. Oliver Cromwell had a large, red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings. Manhattan Island was bought from the Indians for $24 and I do not suppose you could buy it now for $500. The French Revolution was caused by overcharging taxies. The Civil War was caused by Lincoln signing the Emasculation Proclamation. In the Spring the salmon swim upstream to spoon. In the middle of the 18th Century all the morons moved to Utah. By self-pollination, a farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep. The difference between a president and a king is that a king has no vice. to on the Lighter Side
	Fractured History Taken from actual student essays: The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a hugh triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mt. Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew King skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns--Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he become intolerable. Achilles appears in the Illiad, by Homer. Homer also wrote the Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "Hurrah!" Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. to on the Lighter Side
	It IS a Laughing Matter The following are actual announcements taken from church bulletins: 1.This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 2.Tuesday evening, there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early. 3.Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor. 4.Thursday, at 5 p.m., there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers' Club. All those wishing to become little mothers, please meet the minister in his study. 5.This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. to on the Lighter Side
	Welfare Department Here are some "sentences taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department" in a city many miles from South Carolina. I've run some of these before. This particular bunch is courtesy of Milton Pearlstine: I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one died which was baptized on a half-sheet of paper. I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why? I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it? Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything 'til he knows. I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to live an immortal life. You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference? to on the Lighter Side
	NOTICE THIS OFFICE REQUIRES NO PHYSICAL FITNESS PROGRAM. EVERYONE GETS PLENTY OF EXERCISE JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS, FLYING OFF THE HANDLE, RUNNING DOWN THE BOSS, KNIFING FRIENDS IN THE BACK, DODGING RESPONSIBILITY, POLISHING THE APPLE, AND PUSHING THEIR LUCK. to on the Lighter Side
	Sayings Packagers do it better with Fasson. Blessed are the Deaf for they cannot hear the Dumb. Experience is what tells you that you've made a mistake ...again There they go! I must hasten after them for I am their Leader Printed on the front of a folder from the Democratic National Committee: TOP SECRET Burn before Reading LIFE is a bowl of Corn Flakes. If you live it FAST enough it will never get SOGGY! Don't Criticize your wife. If she were perfect, she'd have married better. When all else fails, try following Directions. One Good Turn... Gets Most of the Blanket SUCCESS comes in CANS FAILURES come in CAN NOTS to on the Lighter Side
	Who's Job is it? This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an Important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done. to On the Lighter Side
Index back to Safe Kids Missing Children Created by Kids Cool Places for Kids and Teens About Me Links WEB Pages Tips 'n Tricks Your SafetyTips, Stories or Comments Sign My Guestbook Awards Rings e-mail	Top Ten Ways Things Would be Different if Microsoft Built Cars 1.A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year, instead of before. 2.Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car. 3.Occasionally your car would just die for no reason and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this. 4.You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car'95 or a car'NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats. 5.Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fact, but only ran on 5 percent of the roads. 6.The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light. 7.People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in earlier models for years. 8.Each morning, you'd have to take your steering wheel out to the car, and install it per the "plug and play" technique. Twenty percent of the time, the car would not "recognize" the steering wheel, and you'd have to reinstall it, but for some strange reason, you would happily accept this also. 9.We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas®. 10.The company store would sell Microsoft cars that retailed for twenty-five thousand to an employee for only three thousand. Employee relatative and friends would constantly pester you to buy them a car using their VISA number, and ship it to them. to On the Lighter Side
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