Get your own Free Home PageI was raised in the Roman Catholic church near Portland, Oregon USA. Born in 1955, the fourth of 10 children, twin to a brother. My parents were faithful Catholics and demanded of us the same. We said the rosary in our house during lent many years and were faithful completely to the church. In all this, I must confess how very sad my heart was for many years; I lived in a home that was void of love. How painful it was growing up to experience the bitterness and resentment in my mother and father’s relationship. How desperately I wanted to receive their approval and affection, only to find the cold hurt renewed afresh in my heart. Looking back I see so clearly that they tried the best they could but they could not see that they were the servants of sin, unable to free themselves from the misery of their lives. I too, lived a miserable life in my own pride and stubbornness.
I remember in my earliest years in the Catholic church having great desire to see the miracles which I had heard so much about in church history. My parents acquired water from Lourdes, France to put on my eye which had become partially blind. Water from the blessed Virgin. It was to no avail for no improvement came. I attended a Catholic grade school with my brothers and sisters. Each day we took the Holy Eucharist in mass before school. I spent much time pondering the miraculous history of the church and what I might see or experience. Jeremiah 17:9 says:
“The heart of man is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?”
All my services in mass as an altar boy could not bring the peace and hope I desired in my life, nor could it set me free from the power of sin. I did not understand the precious promise of the scripture spoken by the angel in Matthew 1:21:
“And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name Jesus; for he shall save his people from their sins.”
Nor could I understand that I was a servant of sin. Man does not so freely and readily come to Christ to be reconciled to God for Psalm 10:4 states:
“The wicked through the pride of his countenance, will not seek after God; God is not in all their thoughts.”
We like to think about God enough to believe we are holy, but he is not in all our thoughts.
I do believe the scriptures are true. It says, “Let God be true and every man a liar.”
How empty must a man become to face the true wretchedness of his lost condition. Christ revealed himself through Israel to the world, not because they were righteous and holy, being God’s chosen, but because of His faithfulness to His own character. He revealed Himself to a world dead in trespasses and sins that He might reveal the Holiness and loveliness of His person in laying down His own life for us, who are so wretched and miserable, that we might be adopted as sons and set free from sin. Not just the eternal consequences of hell but the present power of sin which has marred and destroyed our lives.
How merciful God was to me to begin to draw my heart to Him and cause me to see my horrible state.
I was a senior in high school, 17 years old, being assigned a locker partner that was a Christian. He began to show a love and concern for my life that I had never experienced before. I began reading my Bible and heard a gentle voice speaking to me from the scriptures. It was gentle and loving yet with such holiness and righteousness that I began to see the wickedness of my own heart. Oh, the beauty and loveliness of Christ and the darkness and pain of my own life. I heard Jesus calling me:
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matt.11:28-30)
I was battling in my heart, for the scriptures were laying bare my own heart before my eyes. Luke 14:26 says:
“If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.”
Our hearts are so wicked we are unable to come to God on our own strength or desire. The scripture says:
“No man can come to me, except the Father which hath sent me draw him: and I will raise him up at the last day.” (Jn.6:44)
And again:
“To day if ye will hear his voice, harden not your hearts, as in the provocation.” (Heb.3:15)
God used the scriptures to continually reveal the true condition of my heart and incomparable wonderment of his ways. Hebrews 4:12 states:
“For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.”
Coming to Christ is not a decision, it is a birthing process. Jesus said to Nickodemus “you must be born again.” There are great labor pains. The law of sin and death spoken of in Romans has kept us in chains reserved unto darkness and damnation. We have lived in guilt and torment of our own sinful, evil lives in rebellion against God and his ways. We come only as we forsake our lives totally, calling upon the name of the Lord and believing in the redemptive work of Jesus to purchase our salvation by His precious life’s blood. What a wonderful turn in my life when I came to this place. Washed from my sins, reconciled to God and for the first time in my life truly loved by God Himself.
All these struggles and ultimate joy in Christ came in my hours of reading God’s Word. This is not the end of the story but only the beginning. The beginning of a journey that led me from the darkness of pride, rebellion and religious form to the reality of Christ Himself. This journey continues on through my life as I look for that Holy City to come whose builder is God. Please allow me to share the rest of my story.
God is so wise to have preserved the scriptures for us. It was the source of great comfort and often a great pricking of my heart. With forgiveness of my sins came a conviction of how I had wronged others in my family. During that first year of faith in Christ I went to many of my brothers and sisters and parents in tears asking for their forgiveness. No one in my family had ever asked for forgiveness and everyone was quite uneasy to be petitioned for it. Nevertheless I found great peace with God through it all.
That first year I was so timid, I found no strength to speak about Christ. I struggled so, trying to please God and live perfectly before Him. In the Old Testament circumcision is given as the seal or sign of the covenant. This outward sign of the cutting away of the foreskin of the flesh was to prophecy of a day when our blessed Redeemer would pay the price for our sin and cut away the foreskin of our hearts, where we would have the power to live as God’s children with a true heart, not of the sins of the flesh but partakers of the divine nature in Christ. God was circumcising my heart and I found myself in great weakness as I prayed to God and struggled to live pleasing unto Him. After 6 months of faith in Christ my twin brother was converted. He confessed to me that though I spoke not a word to him, he was under so much conviction that he could not stand it. My brother was observing the repentance that God was bringing about in my life and it forced him to face the condition of his own life. Two younger sisters came to Christ within the next year.
You must understand, my friend, that this was not the work of some slick T.V. preacher but an unpredictable working of the Spirit of God in the hearts of men. I spoke almost nothing. One of my sisters, 13 years old, came to me one evening, hanging around my room late at night. I asked her what she wanted and the tears began to roll down her face. She exclaimed, “I want to be a born-again Christian!”
I had not tried to make any of these things happen and there began to be some unpleasant reactions for me. My mother began to take me aside in quite an upset tone, informing me that I was really stirring up trouble in the family, rejecting the faith (Catholicism) and causing my brothers and sisters to do likewise. I was troubled by these confrontations which became more and more frequent. I tried to be very submissive and obedient to my parents, so it hurt deeply to be accused of stirring up rebellion.
As I read more and more of the scriptures, I came under conviction that I could no longer participate in many Catholic practices during mass. I found I could no longer sing the Catholic songs to Mary, “Hail Holy Queen Enthroned Above” and others. Nowhere in the scriptures was she exalted to the position of Queen of heaven, mediator, or was she “ever virgin” for the scripture says that Joseph “knew her not TILL she had brought forth her first-born son.” (Matt.1:25)
I quit going to confession for the scripture says “one mediator between God and man, the man Christ Jesus.” (1 Tim.2:5)
All the countless times I had confessed my sins in those confessionals had never freed me from the guilt and condemnation of sin. But Christ Himself had.
How the devil has worked to convince mankind that they are in right standing before God. Thank God that He gave the commandments to show us that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Be glad that your heart is troubled my friend, for you can begin to cry out to God and He is faithful to speak to you through the scriptures for it says in 1 Tim.2:4 that it is God’s will for “all men to be saved and to come unto the knowledge of the truth.”
I found comfort in great measure in reading the Bible. In searching the scriptures and seeing the need of my own weakness I cried out to God to grant me the power of the Holy Spirit to overcome sin. “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” (James 4:6) And also in Isaiah 57:15, it says:
“For thus saith the high and lofty One that inhabiteth eternity, whose name is Holy; I dwell in the high and holy place, with him also that is of a contrite and humble spirit, to revive the spirit of the humble, and to revive the heart of the contrite ones.”
With every place of great trouble and trial, if we will just turn to him in humility, we find that this High and Holy One is pleased to dwell with us. In all His greatness He is meek and gentle and lowly. God spoke much to me, not because I was holy, but because He is holy and He is faithful. He loves His sheep. I must confess in my first few years of Christian faith I felt that I had failed God so often that perhaps He could not even forgive me. In one of these situations of failure I thought, “How can I turn to God for forgiveness, He must be more tired than I of my sins?” We must understand that before we are Christians we are slaves to sin. Afterwards we have a choice, for God delivers us from he power of sin. We are in a process of overcoming by the grace and power of God. Prov.4:18 states:
“The path of the just is as a shining light which shineth more and more unto the perfect day.”
I wanted instant perfection and was so grieved with my failure that I was ashamed to turn to God in repentance. For three days I lived in this dark hope-less condition of the heart. As I drove to town the third day I was listening to a song on the radio. The song was the story of a man’s childhood experience in his first year of baseball. Before the first game his father told him, “Son, when you step up to the plate and look the pitcher in the eye, he is going to look big and mean like the devil himself, don’t lose heart.” When the game started and he stepped into the batters box, sure enough, that pitcher looked like the biggest, meanest well, like the devil himself. The pitcher just stood there grinning. The young batter was nervous and clutched the bat with sweaty hands. As I listened I found my throat thickening and tears forming in my eyes. How I felt like this young boy, full of fear, lacking confidence and staring the devil right in the eye. The first pitch came with a swing, “Strike one!” called the umpire. Oh, how I began to tremble considering my own failures and my inability to stand faithful in my own strength and ability. The young batter began to tense up for the next pitch. “Strike two!” with a useless swing. My heart began to ache with these words as I considered my ultimate end. But just then the boy’s father stood up in the bleachers, “You can do it, son, come on!” I heard God’s voice through that song. I began to sob. It was so real to me, I cry when I retell it even though it happened 20 years ago. God was there for me, not to destroy me, but to help me overcome. To find His help and strength in my hour of need. Oh, the richness of the love of God. He will revive the spirit of the humble if we will humble ourselves and call upon His name.
All of my life experiences drew me closer to God and to trust in His Holy word and at the same time exposing the dead, shallow religious practices of the church of Rome. The first 5 years of my Christian life I attended mass with my parents, not because I wanted to, but because I lived in my parents home working on the family farm and I knew that while I lived in their house God required me to submit to going to mass with them.
The first 3 years I did not speak to my mother concerning spiritual things. I was called into conference with her at least once a week. She would yell and scream at me, bringing accusations against me concerning stirring up trouble in the family. For 3 years I took it quietly and never answered a word. I always prayed, “Lord, how long till you give an answer in the earth?” How futile it is to defend ourselves and how beautiful it is when the Holy Spirit speaks through a human vessel. Now, after three years, as I sat trembling before my mother and praying to God, I heard the Spirit of God speak to my heart, “Now is the time to give an answer.” By God’s grace I shared with my mother of my lost condition and the true salvation I found in Christ. I shared with her the falsehood and shallowness of the Catholic Church. She began to tremble and weep. She told me that I had totally lost my mind. She left the room trembling and quite beside herself. After 3 years of being afraid of my mother, I found peace as I wept and rejoiced. I heard that gentle voice in my heart speaking, “You don’t have to be afraid anymore, for though you must submit to your parents you are my free man.”
Four years after my conversion my family was attending a Good Friday service. The large crucifix in front of the church was draped in purple cloth. At one point in the mass the priest removed the purple cloth exclaiming, “Behold the wood of the cross! Come let us worship.” The front pews began to empty out and file to the front where one at a time the people began to kneel down and kiss the crucifix. I began to tremble as I heard that precious Holy Spirit speak in my heart, “This is idolatry.” Do you know what God says in the Ten Commandments? Exodus 20:4-5:
“Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me.”
When I got home after mass my heart was pounding. I went to my bedroom and opened my Bible. It fell open to Nahum and I looked upon 1:12-13:
“Thus saith the LORD; Though they be quiet, and likewise many, yet thus shall they be cut down, when he shall pass through. Though I have afflicted thee, I will afflict thee no more. For now will I break his yoke from off thee, and will burst thy bonds in sunder.”
My heart was burning as I read these words realizing that God was going to open the doors for me to leave the Catholic church. I soon found out that my twin brother had the same experience in church that night. When he arrived home he opened his Bible to 2 Cor. 6:16-18:
“And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel? And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you, And will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty.”
We had a double witness from God at the very same evening of God’s unfolding purposes for our lives. We received no wages for working for our parents and therefore had no money or jobs to support us. We were in partnership with our parents on the family farm but in announcing our departure they refused to liquidate any assets to pay us money we had coming. It was one full year before we were able to leave home with no small trying of my own heart. God knows just how to deal with each one of us to forsake all and that’s where we find the greatest joy, when we love nothing in life but Him.
After many months we were able to move into our own house. At that point we went to mass for the very last time. We were in the choir and at the end of mass I spoke to the choir director (a nun) and said that we had an announcement.
I shared with the choir how it was our last day and we would not be back as we were following Christ and He was leading us out. News of this filtered back to the priest in the rear of the church. He came to the front and was a bit upset at this event in his church. He asked us where in the world we thought we were going as they certainly knew that the Catholic church was the true church. He said we were joining a cult like the Moonies and he mocked and ridiculed us. I said nothing, I only prayed, “Lord how long till you give an answer in the earth for your name sake?”
My heart was aching for the abuse I endured. When I returned home I reached for the comfort of the Bible. I opened and began to read in I Cor. 1:18-20 and 25-19:
“For the preaching of the cross is to them that perish foolishness; but unto us which are saved it is the power of God. For it is written, I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and will bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent. Where is the wise? where is the scribe? where is the disputer of this world? hath not God made foolish the wisdom of this world?...Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men. For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called: But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty; And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are: That no flesh should glory in his presence. ”
Tears rolled down my face as I read these words, I sobbed with joy for the comfort of the Holy Spirit in my heart. I am rejected by this world yet I am accepted in Christ Jesus for the glory of God. 2 Cor. 4:3-4 says:
“But if our gospel be hid, it is hid to them that are lost: In whom the god of this world hath blinded the minds of them which believe not, lest the light of the glorious gospel of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine unto them.”
by David Holmes
Patton, MO
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