Seeing the Polak's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long."
The Polak grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!" ~2 Polish firing squad, stands in a circle. ~3 New Polish navy has glass bottom boats, to see to the old Polish navy. ~4 Polish wedding, the groom stands by the reset button (bowling joke). ~5 Polish kamikaze flew 48 successful missions. ~6 Polish loan shark lends out all his money, skips town. ~7 Q. Why don't polish women use vibrators?
A. It chips their teeth. ~8 Q. How do you sink a polish battleship?
A. Put it in water. ~9 Q: Have you seen the polish mine detector.
A1: Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with your foot.
A2: Start backing up and waving the detector in front of you.
~10 A polish guy wins a brand new sports car in a contest.He drives around all the time waving at the rednecks. One day the rednecks stop him, they draw a circle in the dirt and say "If you step out of that circle, we will kick your ass." They pick up hammers and start busting up his new car. They look back and the is smiling. They hit the car some more, and he is laughing. They walk over to him and ask "Why are you laughing, we just busted up your car." He says "I know, but I stepped out of the circle 9 times." ~11 Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident last night? A polish family on vacation lost all of their children. The pickup truck they were riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the bottom. The parents got out of the cab OK but all the kids in the back drowned...they couldn't get the tailgate open. ~12 A Polish and an Italian are hunting in the woods. Suddenly a naked woman appears.
Italian: Boy, I could eat her!...
The Polish guy shot her. ~13 Why wasn't Christ born in Poland?
Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin. ~14 Q: What do you get if you integrate around Europe?
A: Zero. Because there are no poles in Europe.
Actually, there are some Poles in Europe, but they're removable. ~15 Q: Why did the Polak cross the road?
A: He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken. ~16 Q: How do you get a one-armed Polak out of a tree?
A: Wave to him. ~17 The Minnesota Fish and Game Comission wanted to develop a fish that would offer more for their sportsmen so they crossed a Coho with a Walleye and called it a Kowal. It grew to a nice size and reproduced well but it wouldn't bite. They crossed the Kowal with a Muskie and called it a Kowalski but they were so stupid they had to teach them how to swim. ~17 (alt) Did you hear about the new game fish the Illinois Department of Natural Resources is trying to breed? They took a Coho and crossed it with a Walleye. They called it a Kowal. It had great taste, and fought like hell, but wasn't very large. So they crossed it with a Muskie, and called it a Kowalski. It has the best of everything: it fights hard, it tastes great, and it grows up to 50 inches. The only problem is they're having trouble teaching to swim! ~18 Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home. ~19 These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!" The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?" The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow." The other guy says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?" ~19 (alt) These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!" The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?" The first one takes a small knife and cuts a notch in the boat's sidewall, to remember the exact location. Of course, it doesn't work. The following night, the guy comes along with a large knife and furiously cuts out the notch. ~20 Did you hear in the news that a 747 recently crashed in a cemetery in Poland? The Polish officials have so far retrieved 2000 bodies. ~21 A Pole, English, and French guy are running away from the German soldiers when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each climing a tree. When the Germans arrive, they go to the first tree where the English guy is, and shout, "We know you're up there; come down." The English guy, thinking fast, says, "Twit, twit, twit..." The Germans, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next tree where the French guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up there; come down." The French guy, thinking fast, says, "Woo, woo, woo..." The Germans, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next tree where the Polish guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up there; come down." The Polish guy thinks for a while and then says, "Moo, moo, moo..." ~22 An English guy is driving with a Polish guy as his passenger, when he decides to pull over because he suspect that his turn signal may not be working. He asks the Polish guy if he doesn't mind stepping out of the car to check the lights while he tests them. The Polish guy steps out and stands in front of the car. The English guy turns on the turn signal and asks, "Is it working?" To which the Polish guy responds, "Yes, it's working....No, it's not working....Yes, it's working....No, it's not working...." ~23 On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. ~24 Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Polak, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Polak, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Polak, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch. "What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Polak!" ~25 Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving. ~26 Q: Why do Polish police cars have stripes on the side?
A: So the cops can find the handles. ~27 A patient goes to a polish doctor.
Patient: I am having a hard time hearing. I cannot even hear myself cough.
Doctor: Here is a prescription, take the medicine for 7 days, then return for a checkup. Seven days later....
Patient: Thanks a million Doctor; at least I can hear myself cough now. So what did you do to make me hear better?
Doctor: Not much, I gave you medicine that increased your cough. ~28 This Polak came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting "honey I am home!" What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife. Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head. His wife started laughing. "Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!" ~29 A Polak, an American, and a German had a room full of dirty tampons, and they decided to have a contest to see who could stay in there the longest. First it was the American's turn. The other two locked him in the room and waited. A week later, they heard him whimpering and pounding on the door so they let him out. "That is the sickest smell I have ever endured!" cried the American. "I couldn't stay in there another minute!" Next it was the German's turn. After a month he finally banged on the door to be let out. "Oh God, that is the most putrid smell in the world! I couldn't take it another minute!" he cried as he gasped for breath. Finally it was the Polak's turn. They locked him in the room and waited. A week went by, a month, a year. The German and American heard nothing. Finally they began to worry, so they yelled through the door, "You can come out now! You've won the contest by far!" To which the Polak yelled back, "No, not yet! I'm not done eating the jelly donuts." ~30 Q: How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
A: He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt. ~31 Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
A: Turn off the carousel. ~32 A Polak wanted to join an amateur baseball team. The coach looked him over and decided to give him a chance. "I will give you three questions," said the coach. "If you come back in a week and answer them all correctly, you're on the team." "Fair enough!" said the Polak eagerly. The coach proceeded, "Here are your questions. First, how many days are there in a week that start with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? And third, how many d's are there in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'" Next week, the Polak came back, feeling all confident that he knew the right answers. So again the coach said, "So how many days in the week that start with 'T'?" The Polak said, "Two!" "Very good!" said the coach. And what are they?" "Today and Tomorrow!" "Hmm... OK," said the coach. "How many seconds are there in a year?" "Twelve!" "Twelve? How did you come up with twelve?" The coach was perplexed. "Well," said the Polak, "there's the second of January, the second of February, the second of..." "Um.. OK," broke in the coach. "How many d's in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'" "Oh, that is easy!" laughed the Polak. "Three hundred and sixty-five!" "WHAT?" cried the coach. "How did you get that figure?" To which the Polak sang, "dee dee dee-dee-dee dee-dee...." ~33 A Polak saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his collar, he stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt backwards?" The priest laughed, "Because, my son, I am a Father!" The Polak scratched his head. "But I am a father too, and I don't wear my shirt backwards!" Again the priest laughed. "But I am a Father of thousands!" To which the Polak replied, "Well then you should wear your shorts backwards!" ~34 A Polak went to a carpenter and said, "Can you build me a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?" "Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose, but what would you want a box like that for?" "Well, you see," said the Polak, "my neighbor moved away and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose." ~35 Did you hear about the latest Polish invention? It's a solar-powered flashlight. ~36 A traveling salesman has an audience with the Pope and, not quite knowing what to say tries to break the ice with a joke... "Have you heard the one about the two Polish priests, Holy Father?" "But I _am_ Polish, my son." There followed a pregnant pause while the salesman thought quickly ... "That's OK, Holy Father, I'll tell you it slowly." ~37 Q: How many Polaks does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: 3. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb and the other two to spin the chair.
A2: 100001. One to hold the bulb and the other 100000 to spin the house.
~38 A Polak wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the Polak to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The Polak understood and was ready. The time came to have the Polak jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the Polak that he would be right behind him. The Polak proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the Polak.
The Polak seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?" ~39 Q: What do you do if a Polak throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth. ~40 Q: What do you do if a Polak throws a hand-grenade at you?
A: Take the pin out and throw it back.
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