INSTRUCTIONS This quiz is formulated to help you determine your fanatic level, from Red-Hot Non-Stop On-Fire Detroit Red Wings Fan to Gutter-Rat Fraidy-Cat Lower-Than-A-Lawyer Colorado Avalanche Fan (No offense intended to lawyers).
Twenty hypothetical situations and questions are presented, with four possible responses to each one. Read each situation or question carefully, and choose the option that best predicts your behavior. Then tally up your points and discover your ranking. Enjoy!!
Situation 1
You are attending a Detroit Red Wings-Colorado Avalanche game at McNichols Arena in Colorado. Your seats are behind the Av's bench, and you are surrounded by a group of crazed Wings fans who are screaming obscenities at Claude Lemieux and blasting him with machine guns. You (check one):
__A. Throw yourself in front of the guns to block the bullets
__B. Get the Police
__C. Remain an innocent bystander
__D. Run for more bullets and help load the guns
Situation 2 A lonely old neighbor whom you befriended has died and left you $1,500. Your baby sister desperately needs a heart operation, and with this money you will have just about enough to cover it. Or you can buy Tickets to Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals, Wings vs. New Jersey Devils. You:
__A. Gladly donate the money to sis and stay at the hospital with her instead of watching the game on TV.
__B. Spend $200 on a Wings jersey and put the rest towards the surgery
__C. Spend three days debating with yourself, and decide to give $750 to pay for the hospital room, and use the rest to take your chances with the scalpers
__D. Immediately call the ticket broker to order the tickets and call your best bud with the good news. Too bad for sis; maybe rich old Aunt Eva will pay.
Situation 3 Your mother needs a kidney transplant to save her life and so does Alice,the daughter of the Wings' newest superstar. Unfortunately, you're the only one they can find who is a match for Mom and Alice. You:
__A. Immediately give your kidney to mom; who cares about Alice.
__B. Hope Alice finds someone, and send her a get-well card and a stuffed animal, but Mother comes first.
__C. Give your kidney to mom, but spend all your time and energy setting up donor testing sites in search for a match for Alice
__D. No hesitation; immediately inform Wings officials that you're ready to give Alice your kidney. Maybe your half-cousin Petey is a match for Mom
Situation 4
__A. Walk over to him, and show him how to cup his hands so his voice is amplified
__B. Observe him with disgust, and remark that it's sad how our country lets psychos like this run loose
__C. Rush to find a security guard, and insist that he's causing a disturbance, and demand that he be thrown out.
__D. Throw yourself upon him, screaming that if your team was as pathetic as his, you wouldn't be discussing other teams, and show him with your fists what happens to people who dare to insult the Captain in your presence.
Situation 5
__A. Put on the Wings shirt, and chuckle with glee thinking of what's going to happen to it.
__B. Decide to wear the Wings shirt, but not participate in all the games, and try to stay as clean as possible.
__C. Skip the games, and go to the beach instead
__D. Wear your Abercrombie outfit, and give your all to help your team win. After all, Abercrombie & Fitch is just a clothing store, whereas the Wings are living and breathing people who deserve your loyalty
Situation 6
__A. Avalanche jersey
__B. Suit or dress
__C. Red Wings T-shirt
__D. Red Wings jersey with a Wings T-shirt underneath, your face painted red and white, a hockey helmet on your head with a Stanley Cup mounted on top, and an octopus perched on each shoulder. In one hand is a poster with Claude Lemieux portrayed as a turtle, Patrick Roy as a cry-baby and saying in large letters, "Hey Forsberg!! Go back to Loserville!!" and in the other hand a broom.
Situation 7
__A. Rush over and hit high-five, and then buy him lunch
__B. Whisper to him that he's putting his life in jeopardy by wearing that in a public place in Detroit without a body guard.
__ C. As he passes you, give him a look designed to wither him.
__D. Go over to him and explain that it is obvious that he is living in darkness, and use well-chosen words to make it painfully clear that Guy Carbonneau is a good-for nothing, scum-sucking toad on vacation from the old folks home, and that Brett Hull is a warped, egotistical airhead who burns down orphanages and homeless shelters in his spare time, and help him to see that Ed Belfour is a stark-raving mad lunatic who won the Stars team trophy for bad sportsmanship and utter disregard for the rules of hockey. If he still doesn't see the light, give his address to your friend who is a hit-man.
Situation 8
__A. Frame it and give it the place of honor in your home.
__B. Wear on your next trip to Colorado
__C. Exchange it for a Osgood jersey
__D. Use it to clean the toilet, after which you run your lawn mower over it, burn the pieces, and send the ashes to your local toxic waste disposal center.
Situation 9
__A. Give the jacket to Roy, of course, because the mighty Avalanche need him to take them to another Cup.
__B. Give the jacket to Lemieux, because the Av's need his valuable fighting skills.
__C. Put the life jacket on yourself, and happily watch them clutch each other and call for their mommies.
__D. Cut your arm and let the blood drip overboard to attract sharks, then push them over, and watch with delight as they are savagely ripped apart, then patch the hole in the boat, bail out the water, and paddle the boat to the nearest Caribbean island.
Situation 10
__A. Ask for an autograph, and start up a conversation by saying "So, have you ever ridden this one before?"
__B. Say, "Hi" and enjoy the ride
__C. Scoot as far over as possible, and hope that, if you have to throw up, you'll do it all over him.
__D. Leap from your seat, and run to the end of the line. Better to wait another hour than to sit by the likes of him!
Situation 11
__A. An outstanding, one-of-a kind goal-tender, who really taught Ozzie a lesson, and is such a model citizen, participating in the Adopt-a- Highway program, and teaching Boy Scouts just the right way to help old ladies across the street.
__B. A pretty good goalie, and really good looking
__C. A goalie who robbed the Wings of the Cup in 1996, and should be hung.
__D. Not only should he be hung, but his body should be left out for the vultures to eat, and if he does any helping of old ladies across the street, it is so he can leave them in the middle so he can run them over with his car. Did I mention he was very instrumental in the Holocaust, and regularly gives money to the Ku Klux Klan. (By the way, Ozzie demolished him.)
Situation 12
__A. I'm not even going to answer that question, because of course dear Claude would never do such a thing
__B. He would be sent to the penalty box, and probably be unjustly fined.
__C. He would be sent to the penalty box, and probably be justly fined.
__D. The dirty murderer would go absolutely unpunished, and would return to do more of his dirty work the very next game. This would result in all of the fine, deserving players of the NHL being totally obliterated, with only the nasty cheapshots left, and the NHL would turn in to an unstoppable underground crime ring with Lemieux and Roy at the head, a place the darkest criminals could go to find kindred spirits and safety from the US justice system (which would eventually be wiped out). Soon these villains would take over the world, and Roy and Lemieux would be worshipped as gods, and all because NHL officials were afraid to punish the evil Claude and let him know that we are not living in the Middle Ages.
Situation 13
__A. How should I know?
__B. I think it's 19, but I'm not sure
__C. It's 19
__D. Stevie is #19, and he is a forward, and he drives a Porsche, and his wife's name is Lisa, and he has three daughters, Isabella, Maria, and Sophia and his dog is a Sharpei named Magee, and he lives in Grosse Pointe but he's gonna move to Bloomfield Hills.
Situation 14
__A. It's 32
__B. It's 32
__C. I don't want to know
__D. You mean his prison ID number?
Situation 15
__A. Shake you head in disgust at the shocking waste of money. Doesn't that guy know that car flags reduce miles per gallon?
__B. Couldn't care less
__C. Grin at him and do thumbs-up
__D. Honk your horn and roll down your window and scream, "Go Wings! We're #1 baby!!!" proud of your own 4 Wings flags, 3 Wings bumper stickers, and Wings license plate, and license plate frame.
Situation 16
__A. A wonderful man, who did what needed to be done, and should be rewarded for his courage.
__B. Wasn't he the driver of the limo that crashed with some Red Wings in it?
__C. Gnida is the jerk who crashed a limo into a tree with some Red Wings inside
__D. Gnida is the animal who ruined our celebration and the lives of Vladdie Konstantinov and Sergei Mnatsakonov. He should be electrocuted, burned at the stake, whipped until he can't stand up and beaten till he can't sit down. And if you're going to run a limo company, you should make sure that your drivers have licenses, and aren't irresponsible druggies with no regard for their passengers!
Situation 17
__A. When a player gets the puck and skates down into the opposing team's zone, one-on-one with the goalie
__B. When a player gets the puck and skates down into the opposing team's zone, one-on-one with the goalie
__C. When a player gets the puck and skates down into the opposing team's zone, one-on-one with the goalie
__D. When Sergei Fedorov strips the puck from the opposing team, and flies down the ice, dancing and twirling around their players, using his patented Spin-o-Rama move to avoid their sticks, and breaking free into their zone, one-on-one with the goalie. The crowd is screaming, and the bench is on its feet; everyone knows what's going to happen. The goalie crouches in his crease, trying to stay focused on the puck, which is waltzing back and forth on the end of Sergei's stick. The goalie pretends he's in control, but he knows he's already defeated. As Fedorov nears the net, he maneuvers the puck deftly around the goalie, and flips it up in to the net. The red light flashes and the horn goes off as Sergei's teammates mob him and the goalie hangs his head. The fans erupt, because this is what they pay for; to see Sergei Fedorov perform the fine art of a Breakaway.
Situation 18
Ed Belfour's idea of fine literature is:
__A. Virgil
__B. No idea
__C. Dr. Suess
__D. Colouring Books
Situation 19
__A. To go over and ask if you can sit with him
__B. Ask for an autograph
__C. Look away in disgust
__D. Clap your hand over your mouth, and race for the bathroom, gagging as you go. After losing your dinner, you leave as fast as possible, vowing never to return, and upon reaching home, write an angry letter to the owner, and one to the editor of your local newspaper, warning others of the danger of eating at this restaurant.
Situation 20
__A. Oh! Poor baby! That evil Lapointe!
__B. Ooo, Pronger got nailed!
__C. Ooo, Pronger got nailed!!
__D. Oh Yeah!! Atta Boy Marty!! Give the little worm what he deserves! Send him home to his mama!!!!
Now that you've made your response to the 20 hypothetical situations, here's the answer key to find out your ranking
Answer Key
Instructions: See how many points you receive for each of your answers, add them all up, and compare your total to the descriptions following to see what kind of a fan you are.
Situation 1 A. 0 B. 0 C. 0 D. 10
Situation 2 A. 0 B. 1 C. 2 D. 10
Situation 3 A. 0 B. 0 C. 5 D. 10
Situation 4 A. 0 B. 0 C. 0 D. 10
Situation 5 A. 0 B. 0 C. 5 D. 10
Situation 6 A. 0 B. 0 C. 5 D. 10
Situation 7 A. 0 B. 0 C. 5 D. 10
Situation 8 A. 0 B. 0 C. 5 D. 10
Situation 9 A. 0 B. 0 C. 5 D. 10
Situation 10 A. 0 B. 0 C. 5 D. 10
Situation 11 A. 0 B. 0 C. 5 D. 10
Situation 12 A. 0 B. 0 C. 0 D. 10
Situation 13 A. 0 B. 0 C. 5 D. 10
Situation 14 A. 0 B. 0 C. 5 D. 10
Situation 15 A. 0 B. 0 C. 5 D. 10
Situation 16 A. 0 B. 0 C. 5 D. 10
Situation 17 A. 0 B. 0 C. 0 D. 10
Situation 18 A. 0 B. 0 C. 5 D. 10
Situation 19 A. 0 B. 0 C. 0 D. 10
Situation 20 A. 0 B. 0 C. 0 D. 10
O-5 Points
GUTTER RAT, FRAIDY-CAT LOWER-THAN-A-LAWYER STARS FAN
Scumbag, dirty, rotten good-for-nothing little Stars's fan, you are even more pathetic than your team. If you ever, ever show your nasty little face in Hockeytown, we'll teach you a lesson you won't soon forget. So go back to whatever muddy little rock you crawled out from under, and get what pleasure you can from the pitiful Stars's, and their disgusting, cheating players. Cheer Belfour when he makes one of his feeble attempts at a save. Cheer Hull when he plays coma patients so he can win, and takes candy from little children. Remember one thing: WINGS RULE, AV'S DROOL!!
6-100 Points
LUKE-WARM, GONE-WITH-STORM, DON'T-REALLY-CARE BAND-WAGON FAN
You are the kind of fan whose image is so important to him (or her) that he (or she) doesn't let him (or her) self get involved in anything. You will mildly support your team as long as it gives you pleasure and doesn't cause personal sacrifice. You will desert the team when it's doing badly and come back when it's doing well. Learn from the . . . .
100-200 Points
RED-HOT NON-STOP ON-FIRE WINGS FAN
You are the kind of person who makes Hockeytown what it is. Good for you; you are not ashamed to show your love for your team, and we can count on you to take care of those Stars' fans when they come creeping around. You are the loyal, thick-and-thin kind of Wings fan who lives and dies with the team. You will always be a fan, no matter how good or bad the team is. You let nothing stand in the way of the game. Keep on cheering; you make Detroit proud.
GO WINGS!!
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