Even Noah Had Red Tape

And the Lord saith unto Noah, Where is the

ark which I commanded thee to build?

And Noah replied, Behold, when I journeyed to

the Jordan County Planning and

Zoning office for a permit, verily they railed

against me and said, Thy property art not zoned

for an ark thirty cubits high. Thou wouldst require a

1040 review, environmental impact studies and a public

hearing for a variance...

And behold, when I toldst them it would be a

temporary usage, they asked where I was to journey

with a three-storied ark? I explainest to them about

the flood, the waters from the great deep and the

flood-gates from the heavens. And behold, they were

sore vexed and ranted about water rights and

minimum stream flow regulations and flood plain studies.

I barely escapeth with my life.

And another thing, O Lord, my lot is zoned

for a single family dwelling, and Thou has

planned ark condos for even my three sons and

their wives. That wouldst be a multifamily development.

That remindeth me, oh Lord, last week at

the homeowners meeting, I mentioned the animals.

They reminded me of the covenants. Feeling a

little defensive, I gave them your requisition list......

lions, elephants, rhinos, alligators, chickens,

monkeys, two by two, and fowls

of the air, seven by seven. Behold, Lord, their

sense of humor wast removed and they

sought to smite me. But I will press on.

Couldst Thou please assign a bodyguard?

And the Lord Saith, Noah, faithful servant,

doest thine best...I shall care for thee.

But I need the ark completed in two

fortnights. Failest thou not!

Noah answered and said, It shall be so .

But it was not so. And the Lord saith, Noah,

wherefore art the ark?

And Noah saith, Lord, behold, the building

department hath me sore vexed.

Thou didst specify gopherwood beams on one cubit

centers on the second level. Code requireth that

gopherwood beams be placed on half cubit

centers on that level to giveth adequate

bearing strength for the elephants, hippos and

rhinos. When I departed,they were addressing

Planning and Zoning, inquiring about

zoning for a zoo or circus. Lord, I thinkst

that we are in trouble with the animals.

And Lord, the plan inspector gnashed his teeth

when he beholdeth that the

plans calleth for only one door on the

whole building. He declareth that a

structure of this size requireth two exits on each level.

And the Lord saith, Noah, my schedule calleth

that thou completest the ark

before Christmas. Workest thou very hard!

And Noah Asketh, Christmas? What is Christmas?

And the Lord answerth, It is just an expression used

in the building trade. It doesn't mean a thing.

And Noah answered, Verily, it shall be done.

But behold, it was not done.

And the Lord saith, Noah, the ark is not

ready.

And Noah answered, Verily, I have had three carpenters

struck with infirmity,

and last Monday wast a holiday.

And the fowls of the air Thou orderest by

sevens are now sold only in half-dozen lots.

Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying

O Lord, I am undone.

And the Lord replieth with compassion,

Take heart, Noah. Now thou

understandeth why I have called for a flood

to descend upon the earth.

Amen.

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