Are You Ready For Children

Lesson 1
Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

  1. Methods of discipline
  2. Lack of patience
  3. Appallingly low tolerance levels
  4. Allowing their children to run wild
Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it----it will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

To discover how the nights will feel...

  1. Walk around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
  2. At 10PM, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
  3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
  4. Set the alarm for 3 AM.
  5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink.
  6. . Go to bed at 2:45AM.
  7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
  8. Sing songs in the dark until 4AM.
  9. Put the alarm on for 5AM.
  10. . Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out....
  1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
  2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
  3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed,
  4. Then, rub them on the clean walls.
  5. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:

  1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
  2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.Time allowed for this---all morning.

Lesson 6

  1. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint,turn it into an alligator.
  2. . Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.
  3. Last take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Pops. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

    Lesson 7

    Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon.And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

    1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
    2. Get a dime. Stick it in the cassette player.
    3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat.
    4. . Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
    There. Perfect.

    FORWARD