What I Need to Do
Chapter One of Music of the Heart
DISCLAIMER: The show Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all of it’s characters belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox, et al. We are merely borrowing them for our story and promise to return them unharmed when we are done.
PAIRING: Various romantic pairings throughout the course of the story.
RATING: PG overall, but subject to change as we go along.
SPOILERS: Season 5, up to and including “The Gift.” After that, the story spins off into our own little alternate universe.
SUMMARY: An A/U fic in which Buffy is dead and some unexpected people arrive in Sunnydale to help out the Scooby Gang.
DISTRIBUTION: THC, anyone else, please ask us first.
NOTE: We do not own the song, "What I Need to Do." It belongs to the artist, Kenny Chesney, and we merely borrowed the lyrics for our story.
NOTE #2: Song lyrics are in italics
Riley stared ahead of him almost hypnotically as the road rushed under the Explorer. Pulling his eyes away, he saw a billboard sign advertising the last gas station for 25 miles. He checked the gas level and knew they'd be fine for a while. Looking in the rear mirror, he noticed that Graham had managed to fall asleep in the back seat, although Riley couldn’t imagine how. The back seat was tiny for a big guy like Graham and the position he was in looked rather uncomfortable. He did seem to be sound asleep, though, and Riley smiled, knowing it was time to make his move.
Reaching across the seat, he opened the glove compartment and flipped through the CD's stored in there.
"Shit, he didn't throw my Kenny Chesney CD out, did he?" Riley mumbled to himself until his fingers landed on it.
"There you are Kenny." He said, pulling it out and closing the door. Popping the case open, he pushed the CD into the player and quickly turned the volume down. The last CD they'd had on had been Pearl Jam, and you had to listen to that puppy loud. Riley and Graham had a deal - Riley wouldn't play country music while Graham was awake, and Graham wouldn't play anything by Sarah McLachlan or Dido while Riley was awake because they both reminded him of Buffy.
As the first stands of "I Lost It" rushed over him, Riley relaxed. Country music always had that kind of affect on him, reminding him of home and a simpler way of life. Sometimes he wondered what his life would have been like if he'd never left Huxley. Would he have married Caroline Hutchenson, his high school sweetheart? Would he have a family of his own already? But no, the military and Univerisity called him away from the safety of his family’s arms, and instead he fell into the arms of the one woman he would forever love, but never have.
"I thought the rule was no country while I was awake?" Graham grumbled from the backseat, as he pulled himself into a sitting position.
"Man, I just looked back there and you were as dead as Spike." Riley said, glancing in the rear mirror so he could see Graham.
"Spike? Oh you mean Hostile 17." Graham said, nodding his head in understanding.
"Yeah."
"Wanna coke or something?" Graham asked, reaching into the cooler full of soft drinks.
"No, I still have my coffee from the last stop."
"Rye, it's ice cold now." Graham replied the disgust clear on his face.
"No it's not, just lukewarm" Riley said, taking a sip to prove it.
"Look out I’m coming up." Graham announced as his leg barely missed Riley's head in the process of climbing over the seat.
"Shit, Gray! I could have stopped the car, and you could have changed seats like a normal person." Riley grumbled slightly
"I mean, I could have lost control of the truck..."
"What and crossed two lanes of deserted highway?" Graham cracked, settling himself into the seat.
"I swear, sometimes...."
"I remind you of someone?"
"Shut up, Forrest." Riley deadpanned.
"Oh, you have no sense of humor these days. Hey, and what's with the country stuff?" Graham asked, picking up the empty Kenny Chesney CD case.
"You said while you were asleep I could...." Riley defended, swatting Graham's hand away from the CD player.
"I'm awake now."
"You’re a cretin! You wouldn't know good music if it up and bit you in the ass."
"Okay, I'll give you Chesney, I like him." Graham smirked.
“See, I’ll turn you into a country fan yet.” Riley baited him.
“Not on your life, buddy.” Graham flared quietly.
“Oh yeah, soon you’ll be wearing a big ol’ cowboy hat and wild shirts like Garth Brooks, you know with the flames and all.” Riley continued.
“Keep this up and I’ll take Chesney off.” Graham said, reaching for the CD player.
“Okay.” Riley smiled, dropping it.
<><><><>
They drove for the next couple hours discussing the state of the NFL when Graham suddenly veered off topic.
“You’ll never get over it, will you?” Graham asked, seeing the loneliness in Riley’s eyes.
“Well, I was never a real Bills fan, but man, letting Flutie go was crazy.” Riley said, misunderstanding Graham.
“No, I meant Buffy.” Graham replied, leaning his back against the door so he could turn on the seat to see Riley.
“I try.” He said, checking his mirror to change lanes.
I keep tellin myself this is the right thing to do
I was wastin' her time, waitin' on dreams that just weren't comin true
And this old highway seems to understand
Leadin' me on to somewhere that no one knows my name
I got the window rolled down, I got the radio up
I'm doin' all that I can to get my mind off us
What I need to do is turn this car around
Drive as fast as I can til I see the lights of our hometown
And run to her, take her in my arms
Make her see how sorry I am, well that shouldn't be so hard
But I drive on, and on, and on
“Everyday I wake up and think, ‘today’s the day I’m not gonna love her anymore’ and then something happens and I think of her beautiful smile or, how her hair smells. I never stop to think how she didn’t love me.” Riley sighed as he flipped his turn signal on.
“So, why’d you take this assignment back to Sunnydale, the Major gave you an out after all.” Graham asked the question that had been plaguing him since the day the Major had offered them the assignment.
But I drive on
Yes I drive on, and on, and on
Knowin' what I need to do
Girl, I'm comin home to you
Riley shrugged his shoulders.
Knowin' what I need to do
Girl I'm comin' home to you
I'm comin' home to you
Knowin' what I need to do....
“Rye, I could have done this on my own.” Graham offered.
“You’d miss me too much.” Riley tried to distract Graham with humor. He was just getting too close to a sore spot that Riley knew would never heal.
“True, but that’s not the point here. Why go back to Sunnydale, Riley?” Graham persisted.
They sat in silence for awhile, as Riley drove and Graham just watched the wheels in his friend’s head turn. Watching the emotions flash across Riley’s face as a silent war went on inside him was hard to take. Riley had always been so sure of himself, but since Buffy he’d lost that side of himself. Gone was the man who knew what he was supposed to be. Forever lost was the man with a plan and something to say. Nowadays, he knew Riley was just struggling to keep his head above water, and that was all thanks to Buffy Summers.
Graham sighed.
It was a full 20 minutes before Riley spoke again.
“I guess part of me just wants to be near her. Figures that if I’m there watching her back, she’ll be okay.” He said simply, his voice suddenly devoid of all emotion.
“So, you gonna see her?” He knew the minute the question was out of him mouth that he should have thrown himself out of the moving truck.
“Don’t know.” Riley said, shrugging his shoulders again.
“Why should I? Graham, I know that she doesn’t love me, cause if she did, then she would have stopped me that night, but she didn’t. Then the part of me that wants to be near her, well all it wants is to hold her.” He said, banging his head on the steering wheel.
“You want me drive?” Graham asked, prepared to reach across and grab the wheel just as Riley jerked his head up off the it.
“Nope, keeps my mind off her.”
“And that explains why you’re listening to ‘cry in your beer’ music, while I was in the back asleep.”
“I like country.” Riley answered in a tone that told Graham not to push it further.
“Okay I’ll drop it.” Graham sighed knowing perfectly well that Riley would never totally admit that he was right.
“Do you wanna stretch your legs, or anything? There’s a diner and gas station up on the left.” Riley said pointing to the bill board advertisement.
“Sounds good, I could use a coffee.” Graham said, turning back around in his seat.
“Gray, I’m sorry.” Riley replied, keeping his eyes on the road.
“No need to apologize.” Graham answered.
“Yeah, there is. You’ve been the best friend a guy could ask for, and I’ve been a complete ass.” Riley clarified.
“You’re right you have been, but I forgive you each time you open your mouth. Learned to do that with Forrest.” Graham smirked.
“Thanks a lot. Now I’m lumped in with Forrest.” Riley said with mocked indignation.
“Hey, you called me Forrest earlier.”
“Yeah, I did.” Riley laughed.
They drove in companionable silence for awhile before Riley spoke again.
“I really mean it, Gray, thanks. And when I’m ready to unload myself, you’re the first one I’m gonna see.” He said, pulling into the parking lot.
“Great, and I’ll be in therapy for years afterwards, won’t I?” Graham grumbled good-naturedly.
“Send me the bill.” Riley replied, looking around the crowded truck stop for a parking spot.
“There.” Graham said, pointing to the right. There was one last thing he wanted to say to Riley before they got out of the truck. He felt that he needed to say it.
"Rye, I've never been in love with *any* one like you were with Buffy, so it's so hard for me to grasp the magnitude that you loved her. Please, I'm trying to understand all this, and it's not easy. I guess I just expected you to lick your wounds for awhile and go on, but this not getting over her is really hard to understand." Graham said, turning one last time to look at his friend before they got out.
"Gray, I know you're trying really hard to understand all this, and maybe one day when you meet the girl of your dreams, you finally will."
"I just hope it doesn't take losing her for me to understand."
"That's an understatement." Riley almost chuckled.
Pulling into the empty spot, the two got out of the Explorer. Riley looked at his new truck and was grateful that he’d bought his new baby. At least he had something to pour his love into.
“Hey Hank, look at those pretty boy city fella’s.” The guy leaning against the pick up next to them said.
“Oh, are you little boys lost?” The red head asked.
“No, we’re fine, thanks for asking, though.” Riley said, pushing past two guys who suddenly stood in his path.
“So, what brings you boys way out here? Looking for a good time?” The red head, who must have been the spokes man for the group, asked.
“Nope, just some coffee and gas.” Graham answered, glaring at the group.
“Look, buddy, we’re not looking for any trouble here.” Riley tried to explain.
“But ya found it, pretty boy.” The red head grinned, showing a missing front tooth, as he straightened up from where he was lounging against the pick-up.
“So, you boys up here looking for furniture or something for your love nest?’ Another of the group finally spoke up as he reached out to give Riley just a little shove from behind so he crashed into the guy in front of him.
Graham laughed. “Riley, is he assuming we’re together?”
“Gray, man, we don’t want any trouble here.” Riley said, seeing the glint in Graham’s eye.
"Aw, come on, Riley! I just got out of the brig for the last fight, and it's been at least 2 months since I kicked anyone’s ass."
"Brig? You guys military?" the one guy asked.
"Covert Ops, actually. He knows how to kill someone ten ways with just a straw. Last time he took down three guys, wasn’t it three, Gray?" Riley asked, leaning against the car, his arms crossed non-chalantly across his chest.
"Actually, Riley, it was six." Graham corrected him, grinning.
"I wasn't including the MP's in that total." Riley tried to hold back his snicker. These guys where so naive.
"Oh, sorry 'bout that." Graham said while flexing his fingers.
"He took on six guys by himself!" The leader exclaimed, staring at Graham's straight face.
"Special Op's, man." Riley smiled.
"Shit." They heard another guy mumble.
"Now, if you boys wanna dance, I'm sure we can find something on the radio." Riley said, leaning into the Explorer to hide the fact that he was laughing.
"No sir, we'll leave ya to yourselves." The leader said, backing away and crashing into one of his buddies, before they all high-tailed across the parking lot.
"Ten ways with a straw!" Graham snorted "Its fifty ways, get it right next time."
The two stood chuckling until they were suddenly interrupted by a feminine voice.
"Nice show, boys. So, are you both Covert Ops, or just frustrated actors?" The beautiful woman asked, stepping forward from the shadows.
Riley and Graham looked her and then back at each other.
"Covert." Graham said, letting his eyes drink her in.
"So, then if I asked for a ride to the next big city I'd be safe with you both?" Her knees shook, but after watching the two men she was certain she'd be safe with them.
"Yes ma'am. We're both officers and gentlemen." Riley replied, stepping away from the truck.
"So, where are you gentlemen going?" She asked, noticing how handsome the blonde was. Yes definitely her type.
"California." Graham said, watching the way the woman was checking his buddy out.
*Maybe this is what Riley needs - a distraction. But damn, I had my own ideas about her.*
"Me too. LA, actually. My car broke down. I was doing some summer stock with this like 3rd class theater company and the car just died. Mechanic doesn't think the car's worth repairing." Cordelia sighed.
"Let me guess, and you had no money for the bus ticket home." Riley smiled, wondering if the woman was telling him and Graham the truth.
"You got it. Producer skipped town with all the proceeds at our last stop, and left us busted flat."
Riley looked at Graham for his permission, and Graham nodded his head slightly.
"Well miss, you’re welcome to join us." Riley said, wiping off his hand on his jeans before sticking it out.
"I'm Cordelia Chase." Throwing her million-watt smile at them both, she almost leveled Graham to his knees with the sheer power of it.
"I'm Riley Finn and this here is Graham Miller." Riley said, shaking her hand.
Both men noticed immediately at the mention of Riley's name that Cordelia paled considerably.
"Are you okay." Graham asked, reaching out to steady her.
"Fine, fine." she said, turning to him.
"You sure?" Riley asked, "Do you want some water or something?"
"No. I mean, yes that would be fine." Cordelia looked into the handsome man's face and saw not a shred of either recognition or grief.
*Maybe I had the wrong Riley Finn.*
"So, you by chance don't know Buffy Summers, do you?" Cordelia asked, but the man didn't even need to turn around because the way he flinched told her she had the right Riley Finn.
"Yeah, I know Buffy." Riley said turning from the truck to hand Cordelia a bottled water.
"You're that Riley Finn that use to date her, aren't you?" Cordelia immediately asked.
"That's me." He smiled sadly.
"I'm sorry." She replied, looking at him as her eyes misted over, then she looked down at the ground to hide her tears.
"Hey, we broke up, it's not like she's dead or anything." He laughed, trying to cheer Cordelia up.
Cordelia's head flew up. "But she is, Riley."
A look like none other Cordelia had ever seen crossed the handsome man’s face. It was a mix of instant grief, disbelief, and anger. He leveled her with his intense hazel eyes as his hands balled into fists at his sides. “You’re lying!”
She fought to keep a haughty tone out of her voice. She was Cordelia Chase, after all, and she didn’t just allow people to go around accusing her of lying. “Riley, I just met you less than five minutes ago. Why in the world would I lie to you, especially about something like that?”
His gaze was steely. “How… when… how?”
“About three months ago,” Cordy answered. “She died saving her little sister, Dawn, and also the rest of the world.” Leaning back against the hood of the Explorer, she filled both Riley and Graham in on the events that had gone down in Sunnydale that had led to the death of the Slayer.
When she was done, she offered an apology. “I’m so sorry, Riley. You must have loved her a lot…”
Without a word, Riley turned and began to walk away from Cordelia and Graham. He needed time alone to process all that he’d just been told.
“Riley, wait!” Cordelia called out, but it was too late and Riley didn’t stop, turn around, or in any other way acknowledge that he’d heard her.
She turned to Graham, who had come up to stand beside her. “I feel ten kinds of horrible for letting the cat out of the bag. How is it possible that he didn’t know, though? I thought that he and Buffy were a major item.”
Graham took a few minutes to explain to her how Buffy and Riley had broke up back before Christmas and where he and Riley had been for the past nine months.
"We just crawled out of some hole in the bottom of the world Cordelia. Other than Riley's family and our CO's, we haven't talked to anyone." Graham felt horrible for the two of them. He noticed that although it had been months since Buffy had died, Cordelia was still shaken by it. And then there was Riley.
*What do you say to your best friend when the love of his life is gone? No not gone, try dead.*
"So, he really had no idea?" Cordelia asked, her heart going out to the handsome man.
"None." Graham said, suddenly feeling a need to comfort this stranger. He placed his arm around her shaking shoulders.
"Thank you." She said, looking up into the most beautiful blue eyes she'd ever seen in her life. Cordelia knew that if she continued to stare into them he'd be able to see into her very soul, that's how intense they were.
"For what?" Graham asked, not understanding what she was thanking him for. *Okay the truth was he was as affected by her beauty as she was by his.*
"Just this." She answered, nodding at his arms around her.
"Oh." He replied, simply nodding his head.
"Should we go after him?" Cordelia asked with her eyes closed, enjoying this man's powerful arms around her. *How could she possible be this comfortable with a total stranger?*
"No, Riley needs to do this on his own. He'll be back." Graham said, wondering what it would be like to kiss this woman.
*Get a grip Miller, Riley needs you now!* He quickly berated himself.
"So do you wanna go sit over there?" Cordy pointed to the tree nearby.
"Sure it's out of the path of the sunrise,” he said hating that he had to let go of her.
Cordelia groaned inwardly *Why can't we walk over there with his arms still around me?*
<><><><>
Riley walked away from Cordelia and Graham, not really giving a damn if the beautiful brunette thought he was rude. Graham, he knew, would understand. He’d been friends with Graham for a really long time and they knew each other really well. He was certain that his friend would soothe any ruffled feathers that Cordelia might have over Riley stalking away.
The unexpected news that Buffy was dead had hit Riley like a metaphorical ton of bricks. He hadn’t wanted to believe Cordelia, at first. The former love of his life couldn’t be dead. She was a Slayer, the Chosen One, and he’d seen her in battle many times before. He knew that Buffy knew how to handle herself against any type of opponent. It was unbelievable that in the end, it hadn’t been a demon that had taken her life. No, she had chosen to sacrifice herself in order to save the world.
Tears began welling up in his eyes and blinding him. He collapsed to his knees in the soft dirt and began to sob loudly.
<><><><>
Cordelia and Graham had been sitting underneath the tree for a good half an hour. She was beginning to get really worried about Riley. He hadn’t come back to them, yet. She and Graham had lapsed into a comfortable silence after sitting down, but they would each glance up from time to time, looking for Riley. Finally, it was Cordelia who spoke up, voicing the thought that was on both of their minds.
“Maybe one of us should go see about him. He’s been gone a really long time.”
“I know Riley, and he’ll come back when he’s ready.” Graham told her.
“I dunno, he seemed *really* upset… what if he’s gone and done something stupid?”
Graham looked up at her with a worried expression. “What do you mean, something stupid?”
“I didn’t mean anything *bad*… it’s just… well, people don’t always think clearly when dealing with bad news.”
Graham rose to his feet. “Maybe you’re right. One of us should go see about him.” He reached a hand down to help Cordelia up. A current of electricity passed between them as she placed her hand in his.
Cordelia let go of him as soon as she was on her feet and pretended to busy herself by brushing off the seat of her jeans. Graham started to walk off in the direction that Riley had gone, but was stopped by Cordelia placing a hand on his arm. Once again, a palpable current coursed between them, causing each of them to blush slightly.
“Maybe you should let me go see about him,” Cordelia said in a shaky voice.
Graham looked a bit surprised and his own voice was none too steady as he answered her. “You? But you barely know him. He’s *my* friend.”
“Exactly, “ Cordelia replied. “He’s your friend and that maybe makes you a bit too close to the situation. Sometimes, it’s easier to talk to a stranger.”
Graham ran a hand through his short hair. “Maybe you’re right.”
Cordy flashed him another one of her million watt smiles. “I’m Cordelia – of *course* I’m right.”
Graham just grinned. He was really starting to like this woman. “How about I go into that convenience store over there and get us some coffee while you go find Riley?”
“Sounds good, only I prefer cappuccino.” She smiled at him, again, and Graham felt his heart melt.
“Whatever you say, ma’am.” He gave her a salute before turning to head in the direction of the general store.
<><><><>
Cordelia felt giddy all over as she set out to find Riley. *Yes, sir. That Graham is definitely my type! He’s good looking, smart, and he already treats me like a princess.*
She didn’t have to go far before she found Riley sitting on the ground. He was hunched over in a miserable little ball with his long arms wrapped around his even longer legs and his face buried in his knees. From the way his shoulders shook, Cordy could tell that he was crying. She approached him cautiously, not wanting to startle him. He was a military man, after all.
Kneeling beside him, she placed a gentle hand on his back. “Riley, it’s Cordelia.”
He raised his head off of his knees and looked at her. His handsome face was ravaged with grief and his eyes were red-rimmed and swollen from crying. Even as he stared at her, more tears streaked down his face. Releasing his legs, he sat up and reached for her, clinging to her as if she were a lifeline.
Cordelia wrapped her arms around him and pulled him into her embrace. She rubbed his back with both hands and whispered against his temple. “Shh, it’s okay. You just let it all out, Riley.”
They sat like that for what seemed like a long time until Riley had no more tears in him to cry. Even after his sobs subsided, though, he still sat there, letting Cordy hold him and whisper nonsensical, soothing things in his ear. It had been a really long time since anyone had held him and it felt really good.
That is how Graham found the two of them. He had made it back to the Jeep with coffee and doughnuts, but no sign of either Riley or Cordelia. He had waited for what seemed like a really long time, and still neither one of them joined him. After awhile, he had begun to get worried and had set off to look for them.
As he saw them sitting there on the ground with their arms wrapped around each other, he felt a brief surge of jealousy course through him, but he instantly squelched it. Deep in his heart, he knew that Cordelia was merely comforting Riley, and nothing more. Besides, he had just met her, and it wasn’t as if he had any kind of claim on her.
He cleared his throat as he approached them. “Is everything alright, here?”
The pair on the ground looked up at him. Riley disentangled himself from Cordelia’s embrace and sat up, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand and clearing his throat. Cordelia rose to her feet and once again brushed off the seat of her pants.
Riley stood up also and gave Cordelia a brief look. He mouthed the words “thank you” before turning his attention to Graham. “Yeah, I think we’re good here. Is everyone ready to hit the road?”
“Did you get that coffee for us, Graham?” Cordy asked as she approached him.
“Yeah, coffee and doughnuts – plenty enough for everyone.” He forced himself to smile as Cordelia neared. “They didn’t have any cappuccino, though.”
She returned his smile. “That’s okay. Coffee is good as long as it’s strong and hot.”
“Does anyone mind if I pop into the men’s room for a moment before we take off?” Riley asked. “I, umm, I’d like to wash my face.” Now that his crying jag was over, he found himself a bit embarrassed by it.
“Sure, man, do what you gotta do. We’ll wait.” Graham replied.
“I could actually stand to use the ladies room, myself.” Cordelia added.
Upon reaching the Jeep, the group separated and headed off to take care of their needs.
Cordelia and Graham were the first two to return to the vehicle. They stood around awkwardly for a few moments, neither one of them looking at the other one. Cordelia was the first to speak. She moved toward Graham and placed a hand on his arm.
“Look, Graham, what you saw back there… I was just comforting him, nothing more, I promise.”
He looked up at her, his blue eyes locking onto her brown ones. “I know that… besides, why should I care? We just met and it’s not like I have a claim on you or anything. You’re free to pursue Riley if you want to.”
She let go of his arm and took a couple of steps back, crossing her arms over her chest. Her eyes were now blazing with anger. “Graham Miller! What a terribly rude thing to say!” She started to turn and walk away from him, but was stopped by the feel of his hand on her wrist.
Graham pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her almost crushing her to his chest. Before she had a chance to protest, he brought his mouth down to hers and kissed her until they both needed to come up for air. He released his tight hold on her and she staggered backward a couple of steps before catching herself.
Bringing one hand up to her racing heart, Cordelia flushed the most beautiful shade of pink. “That was… I mean… WOW!”
“Yeah,” Graham agreed, his breathing more than a little bit ragged.
Riley had witnessed the entire scene upon coming out of the men’s room. He had stood there for a few minutes, allowing them a bit of privacy before making his way over to join them. As he walked toward the Jeep, he shook his head and chuckled to himself. *Graham sure hasn’t lost his touch with the ladies!*
The story continues in "You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like That"
RETURN TO FANFICTION
RETURN TO MAIN