The Song Remembers When
Chapter Twelve
DISCLAIMER: All BtVS characters belong to the wonderfully talented
mind of Joss Whedon. However I do own Riley's daughters and Sam the
nanny.
RATING: PG
COUPLING: Buffy/Riley
SUMMARY: A/U - Riley has left Buffy, and this is 10 years into the
future.
FEEDBACK: Pretty pretty please! I really hate to beg, but will .
SPOILERS: All of Season 5, and my own little universe.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Ladies and Gentlemen I would love you to give a warm
round of applause to my wonderful Beta Reader Anne Marie who makes
each one of these stories better. To Amy, Nicole and Ace thank you
so much for your kind words, and wonderful own talent that makes me
want to write. And to Andra thank you so much with all your wonderful
help writing this. Chris I called the therapists and it seems Buffy
will be joining our little group therapy sessions.
Buffy walked slowly down the spiral staircase trying to grasp what
had just happened. Seeing him standing there in that towel had
totally rocked her! She'd dreamed of him almost ever night in one
way or another, but seeing him standing there, well her dreams did
not do him justice. His smooth broad chest, his narrow waist, those
strong arms, and those long muscular legs, my God! The way the water
droplets still clung to his body and hair. She found herself
flushing at the thought of his powerful body over hers and the way
his blue eyes would burn into hers with passion and desire.
<Oh, my God! > She bite her bottom lip and closed her eyes, giving
her head a shake.
<Control Buffy, control! >
Reaching the bottom of the stairs she decided to go in search of the
kids. Since her arrival in the house she hadn't made it past the
kitchen, living room, library, and now Riley's bedroom. She headed
down a hallway and stopped to look at a photo on the wall. It was
Riley, the Riley she remembered, holding a newborn baby. It must
have been Jordan. Reaching out she traced his face and her heart
ached as she saw the look of pure love on his face when he looked at
his daughter. Evan didn't have a picture like this; all he had were
pictures of her and him, or with one of the gang holding him. Never
Riley. Wandering down the hall she stopped in front of a picture of
Riley and Claire on their wedding day and Buffy was struck by how
much the beautiful woman resembled her daughter. Continuing down the
wall, Buffy noticed that the gallery finished abruptly with a picture
of the Finn family in front of a Christmas tree. Looking at it she
could tell by the ages of girls that it must have been taken right
before Claire passed away. She wondered what it must have felt like
to lose someone you loved so much, but then she was about to find out.
"Why did you stop the kids' picture gallery? It looks like after
Claire died, the pictures stopped. You can't tell me the girls
haven't had their school pictures taken since then?" Without turning
around she knew Riley was standing behind her. She could feel his
energy.
"I just couldn't. After we moved in I started putting the pictures
up, but when I got to that one… I couldn't move past it. It took
every ounce of energy I had to get that one up. She died 3 weeks
later," Riley had walked down the hall till he stood directly behind
her, staring at the picture that held her captive.
"She was very beautiful. I see where Hope get's her good looks from."
"Claire was more than just a pretty face, she was special," he said,
reaching over Buffy's shoulder to straighten the picture frame.
"I can only imagine," she wanted to rip the picture off the wall and
fling it across the hallway. This was the woman who'd had her Riley,
who he'd shared his life and heart with. Buffy almost hated her.
"I have a habit of falling in love with very special women," he told
her, placing his hands on her shoulders.
Still not taking her eyes off the picture, Buffy said out loud what
had been on her mind since she'd noticed where the gallery had ended.
"You should finish this gallery, Riley. Leaving it like this tells
the girls that life ended the day Claire died."
"When did you become a therapist?"
"I'm not. I just think it's important for them to realise that life
hasn't ended just because she's gone."
"You mean it's important for Hope to realise that," he said turning
her to face him.
"No. I just think that the girls have a right to see the rest of
their lives up on this wall. Maybe a picture of their father and
brother could be included?"
"You think? I'd like that. Do you have pictures of him I could
have? I've missed out on so much of his life," Riley said sadly,
trying to come to grips with the fact that he might only have 6
months left with his son.
"If all goes well with the tests, you could have a very long time
with him. Hell, he could be burying you as a very old man," Buffy
said,reaching up to touch his smooth cheek and trying to ease the
pain she could see in his eyes. She knew exactly what he was
thinking.
<He's shaved! I definitely remember seeing a 5 o'clock shadow on his
cheeks upstairs. >
"I pray that that's the case."
"So where do I find yours and mine?" Buffy asked, referring to their
many children.
"The den, I would hazard to guess," he said, placing his hand on the
small of her back and guiding her down the hall. He'd always found
the small of her back so sexy.
Walking through the house they went past a room which automatically
caught her eye. The dark Cherry wood panelling had drawn her into a
game room. In the middle of the room was a tournament size pool
table with ornate legs, in the corner was a large bar that could sit
10 people around it easily and along the walls were video games and
pinball machines. A jukebox sat in the other corner and at the other
end of the room was a grouping of leather couches.
"Don't tell me. You do most of your work from here?" She teased
"In the early days, it was a nice distraction. Gray and I will play
some nights after the girls go to bed and occasionally I can drag Sam
in for a game. I don't think she likes playing against me though.
It's not a good idea to kick the boss's ass on a regular basis," he
laughed.
"Sam?'
"My nanny. I think that Wesley would really like her, judging from
what you have said about him. She's really beautiful, smart, funny
and English. And she can kick major ass."
"Your nanny can kick major ass?" Buffy asked, suddenly not only
feeling slightly jealous of the nanny because of her looks but also
because Riley seemed quite impressed with her ass kicking ability.
"Yeah. She was one of the company's operatives. She was looking for
a change and well, she was my gift from Graham," seeing Buffy's eyes
pop open wide, as Riley realised what that must have sounded like to
her.
"No, no! She wasn't a gift like that," he stammered, trying to find a
way to explain the situation so that it wouldn't either embarrass him
further or give too much away about what their company really did.
Buffy watched him blush and she remembered how cute he used to be
when he did that. She knew from past experience that Riley could
blush from head to toe, and she was dying to find out if he still did.
"It's just that after Claire died, I was very nervous about leaving
the girls alone with just anyone. I use to bring Tristan to the
office with me because I was terrified something would happen to her.
In our line of work, I was always afraid that someone would use the
girls against me. So Graham offered Sam the job. Hell, she could
kill someone ten different ways with a straw if she had to. She
loves the kids, they adore her and I have a friend out of it. I just
wish she'd stop calling me Dr. Finn."
"I've never thought of you as Dr. Finn," she laughed, trying to
picture Riley up in front of a lecture hall of 200 plus students
talking about Pavlov. Instead she pictured him wet in his towel.
"I don't think of myself as Dr. Finn anymore either," he said,
joining in her laughter. He missed hearing her laugh. In the final
days of their relationship he'd seldom heard her laugh. Thinking this
quickly sobered him up.
Buffy looked over at Riley and saw the distant look on his face. He
looked clearly upset and she wondered what it was that had bothered
him. Maybe he was thinking about Walsh, after all, he had mentioned
her earlier in the day. Could Maggie Walsh still have a hold over
him? Buffy hoped not.
"Do you want to talk about whatever's got you so upset?" She asked,
leaning against the pool table beside him.
"Just thinking about the past," he said slowly, looking down at her.
"It must be strange not having Claire around, especially at
Christmas," she replied, misunderstanding what he had implied.
"I was referring to us," he said quietly, placing his arm over her
shoulder.
"Us! That was a long time ago, Riley," Buffy told him but found
herself snuggling up against him, seeking his warmth all the same.
"When I think back, it always seems like it was someone else's life,
not mine," Riley's hand slipped off her shoulder and started rubbing
up and down her arm.
"Do you ever wish it had been someone else's life, and not yours?"
"Never," he replied adamantly, turning so he found himself standing
directly in front of her with his hands on her small shoulders. His
movements left Buffy pinned against the side of the pool table but
she didn't seem to mind.
"I never want you to think that. I've been grateful my whole life
for what little time I had with you. Okay, when we first broke up, I
hated even the merest mention of your name but over time I forgave
myself," Riley's chin dropped as he said the last part, he couldn't
bring himself to look her in the eye.
"What are you talking about, forgive yourself? I pushed you away.
Look at me, Riley," she said reaching up and lifting his chin with
her index finger until their eyes met again.
"I pushed you away. It was my fault. You were only doing what you
felt you had to do. You wanted me to love you and you thought I
didn't," she said, looking into his teary blue eyes.
<Here I go! >
"I loved you Riley Finn. I always have. And I don't mean in a
platonic, great sex - miss it kind of way. My heart has ached every
single day since we've been apart."
<Okay, it's only taken 5 years of therapy for me to finally be able
to say this to him. >
Riley stood staring down at her in shock. Running a hand through his
damp hair, he turned and walked away from her. She watched as he
walked to the French doors, where he stopped to lean his head against
the cool glass. He felt like he was going to faint or worse, throw
up again.
<She loved me! >
Buffy walked across the room and stood beside him, careful not to
crowd him.
"I'm so very sorry I hurt you but I couldn't say those words as much
as I tried too. I was so afraid to."
<Okay so it's taken me 10 years and 5 years of therapy, but I'm doing
it! >
Riley stood still, listening to her and as much as he didn't want to
hear her say what she was saying, he knew they both needed this. For
him what they'd had wasn't about sex, he'd loved her with his very
soul but being rejected by her again and again had taken it's toll.
Now here she was standing in front of him, telling him she loved him.
"Maybe it's too late for us, Buffy," he whispered wishing what he'd
just said wasn't true.
<Please don't give up on us, Buffy. >
"It's not, Riley. Look into my eyes and tell me that you don't love
me anymore."
Riley refused to meet her eyes.
"You can't, can you? You know why? Because every time you look at
me I see it." Buffy said, reaching out for his arm.
"I know that kiss this afternoon in the library wasn't all about lust
and desire. When you kissed me, I could feel every ounce of love
you still feel for me. I know you love me Riley, and I won't give up
on us. Not again."
"It's not that easy, Buffy,." he said, still looking out of the
French doors.
"It can be. Don't do this to us. I went through 5 years of therapy
to understand why I did this to us. Why I couldn't tell you that I
loved you. Five years of tears and screaming fits, blaming every man
that's entered my life for what I did to you. First, there was my
dad. Hell, once the ink was dry on the divorce papers he disappeared
from my life. The only evidence of him at all was the occasional
postcard or guilt gift. Then there was Merrick and Pike. They both
left me to face my slayer's duties alone. When I moved to Sunnydale
there was Angel and a host of others by the time I got to you," Buffy
stopped to take a deep breath before plunging on.
"Riley, I just couldn't say the words. I had this irrational fear
that if I told you that I loved you, you'd leave me."
Tears were rolling down her face when he finally turned to look at
her. He had promised himself he'd never make her cry but here she
was, crying because of him and yet he still couldn't pull her into
his arms to soothe her. As much as he didn't want to blame her for
what happened, there was a tiny part of him that did and it was that
part that wanted an explanation, wanted to see her hurt the way he
had.
"But by not saying the words you left me anyway. By not telling you
that I loved you, I ruined both our chances at happiness."
"I would never have left you, not in a million years. I loved you,"
he said, a desperate note creeping into his voice, his hand half
rising to her cheek.
"I know that now, but at the time I was so terrified you'd leave me.
God! Every man I'd ever cared about left! I convinced myself that
if I didn't say the words you wouldn't leave, that you'd stay with me
forever. "
"Ah, Buffy," he sighed, pulling her into a hug.
"Don't Riley! I don't want your sympathy! I want you to
understand!" Buffy cried, placing her hands on his chest and pushing
hard, trying to get out of his embrace.
"I do! And I don't feel sympathy, I just wish you could have told me
all this before. Why couldn't you just tell me what you were
feeling?" He asked, tightening his arms around her.
"I couldn't. I didn't want you to see the real me," she cried.
"What real you?"
"The one that didn't feel like she deserved to be loved. The dark
side of the Slayer."
Riley almost stopped breathing when he heard her say this. Her
mission to discover herself and the hidden past of the Slayers had
been responsible for this. The dark side that they had both flirted
with had taken its toll on her, putting her heart in a dangerous
position. What would she think if she knew what dark things he'd
been doing? Even now he didn't like to think about that dark time in
his life.
"I loved you! I thought you understood that. I thought you knew you
could tell me anything and I would have still loved you."
"No, not her. She was so dark, that even I hated her. Remember that
time in the car on the way to save Xander? The time when he was
split in two?" She looked at Riley as recognition flashed across his
face and he nodded his head.
"I asked you if you wished it had been me that had been hit, you
know, making it two Buffys, instead of two Xanders. Remember. And
you told me you loved me as a whole. I knew right then that you
could never love the Slayer side of me."
Riley rubbed slow circles across her back as he pulled the
conversation she was talking about from the dark recesses of his
mind. He smiled grimly as he recalled the conversation. Riley meant
it when he told her he'd accepted the Slayer part of her as much as
the Buffy part of her. Loving her was a package deal. He didn't get
to choose which parts he loved and which parts he didn't.
"You are so wrong. I fell in love with you the day you dropped those
damn books on my head. Love at first sight I think they call it, or
brain damage according to Forrest," they both smirked remembering
Forrest's colourful expressions regarding their love life.
"Honestly Buffy, I was never prepared for what it felt like to love
you, it scared me to death. Loving you was the most wonderful
feeling I've experienced in my life. Waking up beside you and
watching you sleep in my arms was the closest thing to perfection
that I've ever experienced. You consumed me and I don't' think you've
ever understood that," letting go of her, he took her hand and lead
her to the leather couches at the opposite end of the room.
"Loving you also scared me to death because I knew one day I would
lose you somehow. Everyday I would pray to God that today wasn't the
day. Then you started to pull away and every time I turned around
Spike was there, well, I couldn't take it anymore. I bailed before I
lost you totally. I was a coward."
"Oh, Riley," Buffy said, stroking his face, "You could never be a
coward in my eyes. I knew walking away from me was the hardest thing
you'd ever done and there I was crying after you."
"You had a good reason, you were pregnant with my child."
"Maybe. But I'm at the point with this that I'm ready to explode.
We both sit here blaming ourselves for what happened and the time
that you've missed with Evan, but nothing can change that," she left
her hand on his soft cheek and gazed into his blue eyes.
<Here's the tough part. >
"We need to figure out how we are going to get through this together.
I know you well enough to realise that now that you've met your son,
you'll never let him go again. What are we going to do?"
"We've been together for what? Seven and a half-hours? The only
thing I know right now is that no matter what, I love you and Evan.
Sitting down by the harbour today, I realised that there was no way I
could let either of you slip out of my fingers again. You and my son
are too important to me. If I have to fight tooth and nail for this,
I will. I need you now more than ever and I have a feeling you feel
the same way," Riley looked at Buffy and she nodded her head still
staring into his eyes.
"Okay then, we're in agreement. I, Riley Finn, being of sound mind
love you Buffy Summers," he declared. Riley picked up her other hand
from her lap and kissed it. Turning his face into the hand still
pressed against his cheek, Riley kissed that one as well, making
Buffy giggle.
"I, Buffy Summers, being of sound mind love you Riley Finn," she
replied and leaning in, she sealed their pact with a gentle kiss.
"Don't ever leave me again, gorgeous," he smiled through his tears.
"Over my dead body, baby," she said, throwing her arms around his
neck.
"I've missed this."
"What?"
"You and me. Just like this."
"Really?" She breathed out slowly as his lips caressed the soft spot
right beneath her left ear.
"Mm-hmm," he replied as he continued to kiss his way up her neck.
"I thought you were hungry?" she asked him, trying desperately to
keep her head about her. After all, the kids were just down the hall.
"Dessert will be fine," he said, pulling back just enough to move to
her lips.
"I was thinking about the spaghetti."
"That can wait. I was thinking more of you right now," he answered as
he lowered his lips to cover hers. The minute their lips met they
both knew it was not going to be a simple kiss. The energy that had
build up between them was overwhelming. At first the kiss was
tentative, like they were trying to remember where their noses went
but then as they settled into the kiss, Riley pulled her tightly
against him, lifting her off the couch so she was practically laying
on top of him. Buffy parted her lips and used her tongue to lick his
bottom lip. Riley's own mouth opened sucking her tongue in gently
until he heard her moan and he shifted so they were both now lying
down on the couch.
<I need to feel him! >
Break away from the kiss she panted, "I… need to feel you."
Her fingers found the buttons of his shirt and her nimble fingers
quickly undid them. Her small hands were against his skin the
instant the shirt was open and he took a sharp intake of air as they
found one nipple.
"They're still sensitive, huh?" She smirked before she started
kissing her way down the column of his neck.
"Yes. Oh God!" He gasped as her lips found the same nipple her
hands had been playing with seconds before.
"You need to take this off," he said, pulling her turtleneck out her
black pants.
"No, the kids are down the hall. Just pull it up," she told him,
grinning at him as his mouth swooped down to claim hers again.
<This feels so right! >
<She loves me! >
As their tongues found each other and their hands were pulling
blindly at clothes, they became totally lost in each other until they
heard a voice,
"Daddy? Are you in the here?" Riley pulled himself away from Buffy,
trying to do the buttons back up on his shirt when Hope entered the
room. She stood there looking at the two of them. Even to a
six-year-old it was obvious that something had been going on. The
look on her face nearly broke his heart as he got up off the couch
and started towards her.
"I thought you said she wasn't going to be my new mommy!" Hope
accused him before running down the hall in tears.
"Shit!" He exploded as he punched the wall closest to him.
"Uncle Graham!" Hope's little voice could be heard as she ran away
from her father.
"Hope!" Riley yelled, leaving Buffy sitting on the couch by herself.
"Maybe you were right, Riley. This isn't going to be easy."
Buffy sat there for a couple of minutes trying to collect herself
before she got up and went in search of Evan and the other children.
The story continues in chapter 13
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