The Song Remembers When
Chapter Forty-Three
RATING: R for language.
COUPLING: Buffy/Riley Willow/Graham
SUMMARY: A/U - Riley has left Buffy, and this is 10 years into the
future.
DISCLAIMER: All BtVS characters belong to the wonderfully talented
mind of Joss Whedon. However Karin does own Riley's daughters and Sam the
nanny, Nicole and Steve Bishop.
FEEDBACK: Pretty, pretty please! We really hate to beg, but will.
SPOILERS: All of Season 5, and our own little universe.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: 1) Thank you Amy who is Beta'ing this for us.
2) To all the wonderful authors out there who inspire us, thank you for challenging us everyday. Thank everyone who finds the time to send us feedback!
“I repeat, Buffy, is McDonald telling me the truth? If Evan hadn’t been sick, would I have ever found out about him being my son?” Riley looked up at Buffy, his eyes begging her to tell him that Lindsey was lying, but in his heart he knew Lindsey spoke the truth.
“It’s not that easy, Riley….” She stammered, reaching for him.
“For Christ sakes, Buffy, just answer the question! Would you have told me?” He cried out in frustration.
“You know I tried to tell you when he was first born…”
“I’m talking about now, or as he got older. Would you have told me?” He wanted to shake her, to make her answer him, but she stood there staring at him.
“You wouldn’t have, would you.” Riley whispered, dropping his eyes to the floor.
“Baby, it wasn’t that easy. I thought…you’d made it clear that we were over, so…”
“You decided you’d hold my son back from me as punishment!” He laughed cruelly as his own words slapped him upside the head.
“I didn’t want that….I wanted you to be….” She stopped as Riley rose from the chair he’d been sitting in.
“And the only reason that you’re here with him now is you need Jordan and me. The only reason you’re pretending to be soooo concerned about Jordan is the fear you have of losing Evan.” He snapped angrily, causing Buffy to gasp.
“How dare you accuse me of using Jordan for her marrow! I’ll have you know I’ve fallen in love with not only you but also your daughters. This, Riley, is the most hurtful thing you could have ever said to me.” She blinked in shock at his accusation.
“I loved you, Buffy. And if for one lousy second all those years ago, you could have seen past your own selfish heart, you could have spared us all this pain! I asked you to give me something to make me stay, and you couldn’t …was our child not reason enough?” He was so confused and was also frustrated beyond words. Lindsey’s words rattled around and around in Riley’s head and heart, striking all the old wounds he thought had long since healed.
"If you'd loved me like you said you did, then you wouldn't have left. You would have stayed with Evan and me, and not rushed off to give that bitch the life I deserved to live with you!"
"Life that you deserved! I didn't think you loved me, God knows you didn't show it! All you had to do was ask me to stay…was it that difficult?"
“For me, yes it was! But it seemed you found it easy to say those three little words, cause you said them pretty damn quickly to Claire, or was that your scam to get into our hearts and beds?” She flung the words at him.
“I loved you.”
"Oh, and Claire fell on her knees showing her unconditional love to the man that got her pregnant! Isn't that pathetic?! At least I had the strength and piece of mind not to force you into anything you didn't want!"
"Didn't want! How the hell can you know what I did or didn't want! You never took the time to ask or share with me what was happening!"
"Oh well, I'm ssssooooo sorry for not having that meaningful conversation with you."
"That's okay, Buffy, God knows we wouldn't have wanted you admitting you needed someone else’s help for once."
"Fuck you!" She screamed, suddenly forgetting that they were in a hospital, not the in the privacy of Riley’s home.
"No thanks!" He spat out at her as he turned to leave the room.
"Don't you walk away from me!" She yelled, reaching for his arm.
Riley raised his hand to backhand her.
"What, you wanna hit me? Will that make you feel like the big man?" Buffy said quietly, her voice reaching him through the levels of anger and fear he was feeling right now.
"Oh my, God, Buffy I'm so sorry, I'd never..." Riley mumbled, dropping his hand to his side and backing away from her and out of the room. Once he'd gone, she felt herself let go as her tears started to fall, seeing the horrified, stricken look on Riley's face tore at her because she'd put it there. She'd pushed him when she knew she should have backed off.
"What have I done?" She whispered frantically, wiping at her tears as she raced out into the hallway to see him leaning against a wall.
"I'm so sorry for what I said. I pushed you too hard." She said, as she approached him cautiously.
"No, it's my fault, I lost it." He said, not once looking at her, as he admired the ceiling tiles.
"Riley, there's so much that we need to say, and maybe this isn't the time, but we needed..."
"To clear the air before we tear each other apart." He said, turning and walking into the empty room next to him. "Are you coming?"
"Maybe we jumped into this too soon...we both wanted this so badly..."
"You don’t want this any more?" He questioned, trying to hide the hurt her words had caused.
"Oh, God, Riley, don't think I don't, but there's so much that's never been cleared between us..."
"Like you not telling me the truth about Evan, if he hadn't been sick." He said looking down at her. Hadn’t she told him a couple weeks ago that she had every intention of letting Evan come to him, or had this just been part of her game?
"What do you think?"
"Before, I would have said no, but now I think you'd sink that low to get what you want."
"Great...so were back at square one!" She sighed
“Only have yourself to blame for that one, Buff.” Riley said, turning his back on her. At that moment he couldn’t bring himself to even look at her. Had she been lying to him since she’d arrived? Riley felt slightly sick as he wondered if that night under the Christmas tree, had been part of the game as well?
"And if I had! Could you have guaranteed me that you would have accepted him into yours and Claire's lives?! Would she have welcomed our son with open arms... I highly doubt it!"
"You didn't even know Claire, so don't you dare tell me what she would have done." Riley almost snarled. He could stand there listening to her attack him, but he would not let Buffy do this to the memory of his daughters’ mother.
"I beg your pardon, Riley…Oh God forbid I pass sentence on the saintly Claire!" Buffy snapped, throwing her hands in disgust.
"You can't get past it can you! That I married Claire instead of you!” He laughed bitterly.
“Don’t flatter yourself, sport.” She bristled, but she knew he spoke the truth. Buffy couldn’t get past the fact that Riley had married Claire and left her to raise Evan on her own. She felt betrayed beyond words by his actions, even though she was as much to blame for this as he was.
“You know what the difference with Claire was? Do you?" He asked, towering over her.
"No, why don't you tell me?!" She looked up, giving him a sickeningly sweet smile that she knew would drive him over the edge.
"She let me know that she loved me!"
"Oh, here! Here! Saint Claire loved you, Saint Claire had my life..." Tears of anger, betrayal, and self-hatred streamed down her cheeks, as she glared at him. Buffy hated that she sounded like a bitch, but she couldn’t step back now, Riley had hit a sore spot. Once again her inability to tell him she’d loved him was being thrown in her face.
"And you had my son!" Riley’s own voice shook in anger, as he rapidly clenched and unclenched his fists at his side.
"I had your son, but I didn't have what I really wanted." She said quietly, as she dropped her head down against her chest, mentally curling inward in an attempt to protect herself from his onslaught of angry accusations.
"And what was that? Your freedom from being tied down to my son?"
Buffy’s head lifted to look up at him for he'd just gone a step too far this time. Raising his hand to her, Buffy could almost understand, but accusing her of not wanting Evan, that was just too much.
"No, you, you asshole!" She said, as her tears started again. Getting to her feet, she tried to breeze past him, but his hand caught her arm, stopping her for a brief second before she yanked it savagely free from his grasp.
"Well if I'm such an asshole why do you want me!" He threw at her back as she moved to leave the room.
"Guess I'm just one fucked up bitch in your book." She said, over her shoulder.
"Where are you going?"
"As far away from you as I can at this moment!"
"You walk out that door we're through!"
As his words hit her, she stopped briefly, but her pride made her step over the door’s threshold into the hallway.
"Then I guess we’re done.”
“I guess we are.” She stammered, chewing on her bottom lip, unable to turn around to face him. If he’d said he was sorry and begged her to take him back, she would have flown into his arms in a second. This was not what she had planned for the two of them, so how did it happen?
“Guess we are.” His clipped voice was like having a stake rammed into her heart. There was no ‘I’m sorry Baby, I didn’t mean for this to get out of hand’, instead he’d cut her free. Turning sharply, Buffy started down the hall, she didn’t want him to see how his dismissal would destroy her.
“Well then, from this moment on... you have *anything* you want to contact me about, you go through Graham or Willow...I'm done here." He hissed at her departing back, as she raced away from him.
Riley stood in doorway, watching her. How had this day turned to shit so quickly? He’d just sent the woman he’d loved more than life its self out of his life. Sure he’d done some stupid things in his life, but this one took the cake. Angry with himself and the world, Riley’s fist connected firmly with the wall, not once but twice.
“Fine, go then! See if I care.” He hollered as his fist connected a third time.
"That doesn't sound good." Angel said, and winched as he heard something connect with the wall of the room that Buffy had just thundered out of.
"And that sounds like a fist." Graham winced, as Riley hit the wall a second time.
“Well somebody better do something before he ends up breaking his hand.” Willow grimaced as flesh met wall a third time.
"Oh, look at little ‘Mr. Asshole‘ there chasing after Buffy. He'll do anything at this point to keep the two of them apart." Angel said, pushing off the wall to go after Lindsey.
"Look, you run interference and grab Lindsey, while I talk to Buffy... Honey, can you handle a bear with a sore paw right now?" Graham asked Willow, nodding his head towards the room Buffy had just left.
"Because if you can't, we'll lock him in there and let him cool off a bit."
"No, I can handle Riley, he doesn't scare me. Besides I can always turn him into a frog or something if he really pisses me off." Willow shrugged her shoulders as she got up from her chair.
"Remind me not to piss her off." Graham grunted as he and Angel followed Buffy and Lindsey down the hall.
<><><><>
Maybe it would have been a better idea to have either Willow or Angel talk to Buffy, since Graham was having a hard time finding her. One minute her little blonde head was in front of him, and the next, she’d disappeared into thin air. He figured he’d try one more place before he went back to Willow and Riley. Rounding the corner, he found her standing at a bank of payphones, the yellow pages open in front of her.
“Yes, that will be a double, under the name Buffy Summers, and I’ll be checking in today.” She spoke into the phone, unaware of Graham’s presence behind her.
“Sure I’ll take the breakfast plan.” She nodded.
“It’ll be on my corporate Visa Card.” She added.
Graham watched her write down something that he figured had to be the confirmation number, then hang up the phone. Leaning her head against the side of the phone booth, she closed her eyes against the flood of tears that threatened to fall again.
“So, do you wanna talk about why you’ve booked yourself into a hotel?” He said, gently startling her.
“You shouldn’t be sneaking up on people and eavesdropping.” She whimpered, trying to hold her tears back.
“I’m sorry, but why are you leaving? You and Riley need each other more than ever right now.” He said, placing a tentative hand on her shoulder.
“Really? Did you just hear us explode in there?” Her bottom lip trembled as she spoke.
Graham nodded, ‘yes‘. He couldn’t help but hear the painful words exchanged between them.
“Buff, I’m sorry.” He said gently, before her face crumbled and she broke into tears.
"Shhhh. Buffy, it's okay, he doesn't mean it. Riley‘s just scared." Graham whispered, pulling her into the stairwell so he could comfort her. But his words didn't seem to reach her as she sobbed and shook in his arms.
"Buffy, that wasn't Riley in that room just now and you know it. Baby, he's terrified of losing everything, and hospitals just really unnerve him. I know that's no excuse..."
"He said...said I was using...using him and the girls to save...save Evan." She managed to choke out between her gut wrenching sobs.
"Buffy, honey, Riley's not thinking straight right now..."
"I told him I did...I wanted to hurt him." She said looking up at Graham, the regret so clear in her bright hazel eyes.
"Why did you do that? Buffy, you'd never hurt him that way."
"He backed me into a corner, his accusations hurt, so I hit back. Then I asked if Claire had been alive, would he have still wanted Evan in his life...Graham, he couldn't answer me!" She started crying all over again, her body shaking with each tear that echoed through the stairwell.
"I'm...I...just a... rebound after Claire?" She asked, looking up at Graham, her eyes searching his face for an answer.
"God no Buffy, not in the least. Riley has never stopped loving you. Baby, he's in so much pain right now, he's worried about losing you all. And if he loses you and Evan, it'll kill him, but with Jordan...let me just warn you Buffy, you‘d better be prepared to go to his funeral."
"What?"
"Jordy's the one who holds him together, so losing her would rip his heart out."
"But what about Tristan and Hope?" She asked, remembering the close relationship that Riley shared with Jordan.
"Honey, we have to get him to hold on right now, we have to keep him positive. Riley's angry because he's feeling totally helpless, it's like when Claire died. Buffy, Riley's not good in a hospital, I don't know if you’ve noticed yet?"
"But, how do I help him, if he won't speak with me? He thinks I don't care about the girls...Graham, I love them already like they're my own. He thinks Lindsey and I have set them up. I couldn't imagine my life without any of them, and that includes Riley." She sniffed, liking the comfort his arms provided her.
“I have to admit his finding you in Lindsey’s arms, regardless of how innocent it all was, didn’t help matters. McDonald knows how to play him so well, and Riley walked right into the game with his eyes wide open.” Graham said plainly. Having been Riley’s best friend for 15 years gave him an inside perspective on what went on in his friend’s brain.
“But I don’t love Lindsey, I love Riley. I would never hurt him that way. My God, Lindsey is a friend, that’s it.” She said, pulling back to look Graham in the eye, hoping he’d see the truth in hers.
“I know that, but in Riley’s freaked out mind, it’s blurred right now.”
“What do I do?” She moaned, leaning back into Graham.
"Just give him time Buffy, let him deal with this his own way. He's hurting and right now he doesn't see anyone else’s pain. So, if you need a shoulder to cry on, I have a really strong one, and two arms to hold you as well."
"Graham, you’re such a good friend, I couldn't take advantage..."
"No, take advantage, at least here with me or Angel you know there's no strings attached with our comfort."
"You’re referring to Lindsey."
"I didn't say his name."
"But you’re not denying it either."
“No, I’m not. He’s stirred up enough trouble already today, Buffy, we don’t need anymore.” Graham said firmly, not leaving anything to Buffy’s imagination.
“Can you do me a favor and drive me back to the house? I wanna get my stuff packed and move into the hotel before Riley gets home.” She asked.
“There’s no way I can convince you to think this over a bit more, I mean moving into the Hilton?” He asked, knowing the answer already.
“I think it’s for the best if I stay out of his way right now. Being broken up and staying at his place isn’t a good idea.” Buffy smiled sadly.
“But the girls….they’ve been through so much already, you moving out will confuse them even more.” Graham tried the kid card, hoping it would work on Buffy’s kind heart.
“I think they’re better off if Riley and I keep away from each other…plus I don’t really think Hope will care one way or the other if I disappear from her life.” Buffy said so glumly that Graham felt for her.
“I really wanted to help Hope, I did. She’s such an amazing child, but the pain that binds her to Claire, well it’s wrong.” Buffy said adamantly.
She’s having a hard time letting go.”
“So will you take me to the house or do I need to call a taxi?”
“I’ll take you.” He replied grudgingly, hoping Riley wouldn’t kick his ass when he finally realized what was happening.
<><><><>
Willow entered the room to see Riley sitting on the empty hospital bed, his bleeding hand cradled in his good hand.
“You may want to get Steve to look at that.”
“I’m fine.” He said, looking up gratefully, to see Willow standing in front of him.
“Looks a little nasty if you ask my opinion.” She said, going into the bathroom.
“Not as bad as my heart looks.” He sighed heavily.
“You two really had it out.” She said, coming back into the room with a wet towel in one hand, and a dry one thrown over her shoulder.
“Really? Could have fooled me.” He answered sarcastically.
“Don’t get all bitchy at me.” She smiled, taking his damaged hand into hers.
“I’m sorry, Will, just angry at myself right now.” He winced, as she dabbed as his knuckles.
“So how much of the fight did you hear?” He asked, watching her clean the wounds
“Most of it. You two weren’t that quiet. I actually think they heard you down in the cafeteria.” She teased.
“We said some really horrible things to each other..things, I don’t think can ever be taken back.” He winced again, but not from Willow’s touch this time, instead he heard his angry voice in his own head, berating Buffy.
“I heard.” She nodded her head, unable to meet his eyes. Truth was, she wished she hadn’t. Sitting in the hall, it was so difficult to hear the pain and anger in both their voices.
“I’m sorry you had to hear that. I’d like to say the next time we fight, we’ll be quieter, but I think we just broke up again.” He shook his head miserably.
“I’d agree from the sounds of it. Why did you let her go?” She asked, looking up to meet his gaze.
“I know it’s no excuse, but I was angry. I wanted her to feel the pain that I did, when she let me leave…unfortunately it’s me that seems to be feeling the pain again, not her.” He said, holding up his hand.
“You weren’t there, Riley, you didn’t see the pain she felt after you left.” Willow’s voice held hints to the pain she’d felt during those rough months.
“If she’d told me the truth about her being pregnant, I would never have left her.” Riley said, moving off the bed to the window.
“I know that, and so does she. She knows she screwed up, and how much she hurt you…but Riley, you hurt her, too.” Willow said, coming up behind him to place a hand on his back.
“How?” He snapped.
“When you cut her off. She tried to tell you the truth after you left, but you wouldn’t listen. You shutting her out of your life, man that killed her. I believe, she thought that after you left you’d come back, but you never did.” Willow leaned against the window ledge facing him.
“Willow, in my mind it was over. If the shoe had been on the other foot, and you’d asked Graham to give you a reason to stay, and he hadn’t….well, don’t you think you’d think it was over, too? I only need to be kicked in the head 10 times before I learn a lesson.” He said, staring out at the traffic below.
“I know….”
“She kept my son from me, Willow. Even if she hadn’t loved me, she should have at least told me about him. Why didn’t she tell me that day in the dorm?” He asked, looking at Willow for the answers that Buffy hadn’t been able to give him.
“I honestly don’t know, Riley…but I do know that the year after Evan was born…well she’d asked Angel to try and find you, cause she wanted to see you…to tell you.” Willow now found that it was her turn not to be able to make eye contact with Riley.
“Then why didn’t she?” He demanded.
"Riley, she was all prepared to contact you about Evan, when we found out you had just gotten married to Claire."
"But Willow, she still owed me the right to know the truth about my son."
"She felt she was doing what was right. Riley, you'd just gotten married to another woman, you‘d turned your back on her."
"Willow, I would never have..."
"Riley, in her eyes, when you refused to speak with her, well, she thought she could wear you down. But, when she found out about your marriage, after Evan was born...well she just gave up on you."
“So, because of my own stubbornness and bad timing I lost out on meeting my son?” He sighed painfully.
“I’m not saying she was right, but yes.” Willow said, placing her hand over his good one.
“I can’t tell you how much that sucks.” Riley said, his vision blurred with unshed tears as he turned to look Willow in the eye.
“I know.” She answered, wrapping her arms around his waist.
“So, what do I do now?” He asked, placing his chin on the top of her head.
“Find her. The both of you have a lot of apologizing to do to each other.” She returned, rubbing his back.
<><><><>
The gates to the estate swung open and Graham’s red Viper slowly pulled up to the front of the house. Getting out of the car, Graham walked around to the passenger side and opened the door for Buffy. Holding out his hand, he helped her step out of the low riding car.
“You’re a real sweetheart, you know that? Sometimes I think I fell in love with the wrong guy.” She kissed his cheek.
“No, you didn’t. Riley and you belong together.” Graham said firmly.
“Right now it doesn’t feel like it.” She sighed painfully.
"Are you sure you really want to go through with this, Buffy?” Graham asked, shutting the car door behind her.
"You have to know that Riley really didn’t mean those things. He’s starting to crack under the pressure, last night he said he felt as if the walls are closing in on him. I know he has a tendency to overreact, I’ve seen him do it before. Riley will lash out at someone then the next day, he’s forgotten why he blew up. But right now, he’s holding on by a thread, and he needs you to stay."
"Gray, I know what you’re trying to do, you’re trying to make me feel better and I appreciate it. Really I do." Buffy said, walking up the front steps and holding the handrail tightly.
Yesterday morning there had been no need for boots with everything melting, but over night, the temperature had fallen and the steps were now icy. Plus, the hospital’s parking garage was connected directly to the main entrance, providing a covered walkway, again no need for boots. That, and Riley had wanted to make like Sir Galahad and carry her down the steps to the car. He‘d told her yesterday, he’d make any excuse he could to hold her in his arms…funny how so much had changed in 24 hours.
"But I can’t have Riley think that I’m only here for my own personal gain, and that I care only about Jordan because she’s Evan’s last hope, even though she is. I’m not some kind of barracuda, preying on him and what’s his. I may have been accused of a lot of things in my lifetime, but a predator I’m not. No, having me move into a hotel will be the best thing for everyone."
Graham followed her up the steps and opened the door, prepared to catch her if her feet should slip.
“I understand why you think this, but I just want you to know that I think you’re wrong here. I just think you both need time to cool off and talk.” Graham’s quiet voice spoke firmly, making his point.
“I’m not.” She said using the same voice tone that Graham had just used on her a second ago.
Graham could only shake his head in disbelief.
Graham helped Buffy off with her coat. As he opened the closet door to hang it up, he watched Buffy dejectedly climb the stairs to her room.
<><><><>
Pulling her suitcases out of the closet, she opened them and placed them on top of the bed for packing. Buffy knew that if she let them, her tears would start falling freely again, but she had no time for that now. Buffy promised herself she’d no longer cry over Riley Finn. Emptying both the dresser and closet, she started folding and placing her clothes inside.
"Were ya goin, Buffy?" She heard the voice of a little girl behind her.
Turning around she saw Tristan and Hope standing in the doorway. Buffy smiled at them, but it was a sad smile, all the same.
Sitting down on the edge of the bed, she held her arms wide open to give the girls each a hug. Tristan instantly ran up and threw herself into Buffy’s arms. Hope however, hung back from her. Buffy noticed Hope’s reluctance to accept her appeared to be growing, but she had no option but to ignore it. Trying to establish a warm relationship with the girls now was fast becoming a moot point.
"I’m going to go stay at a hotel." She tried to explain.
"Why?" Hope asked quietly, slowly walking up to stand in front of Buffy.
"Evan needs me to stay with him. Because of the tube in his chest he can’t get out of bed to get things like he used to. He needs someone there to get them and bring them back to him."
Buffy knew this was a bold face lie but she felt it was better than letting them know the truth, that their father and she were in the midst of a big and very ugly argument. No, it would be easier on everyone if she and Riley only saw each other while visiting Evan in the hospital. And afterward, no matter what happened to Evan, Buffy would return to California and continue on with her life there. Riley could do the same back here in Boston.
"I’d be coming in real late and I don’t want to wake everybody up when I walk in." Buffy said, pulling Tristan down onto her lap.
"Will Daddy be staying late at the hospital, too?" Hope asked. She wished he wouldn’t, Hope wasn’t jealous of Evan but he *did* get to be with Daddy all day long. Tristan and she could only be with him when he’d come home and that was close to their bedtime. And now with Jordan lost, they didn’t even get that. He had come in last night, told them about her missing, then disappeared up to his own room. Daddy hadn’t even taken the time to read to them, he asked Grandma Katie to do it.
"No, he’ll be coming home when visiting hours are over."
"Good, because he hasn’t really spent any alone time with us, since you got here." Hope said, with touch of hurt in her voice. "He’s always too busy doing other things."
Buffy was shocked, was Hope really that jealous of the time that Riley was spending with Evan and her?
"Well maybe now he’ll be freed up to spend more time with you." She answered.
"Would you like to help me pack?" Buffy asked, trying to make her own leaving sound light-hearted.
"Yeah!" Answered Tristan, slipping off of Buffy’s lap.
"Okay, Tristie, could you bring me my shoes out of the closet and Hope, would you bring me my makeup bag out of the bathroom?"
Buffy was soon packed and started lugging the suitcases out of the room.
"Here, give me those." Graham said, running up the steps, when he saw her set the luggage down and get ready to descend the stairs.
"Thank you." She answered.
After loading the suitcases into the Viper, Buffy opened her purse and pulled out the keys to the Porsche.
"Gray, please give these back to Riley, I don't want him to think I just came to Boston to get something from him. Now, could you please give me a lift to the car rental place and I'll be out of his hair completely."
"Buffy, I really don't think that's how he feels." Graham said, taking the keys from her outstretched hand.
"You didn’t get to hear the hatred in his voice."
"Buffy, he’s hated what's happened to the two of you, not you."
"No, Graham, it's best this way. If Evan's well enough to travel, I'll come back to Boston and take him home to L.A."
"Buffy, you can't do that to him."
"Who, Evan or Riley?"
"Both. They've finally found each other, you can't rip them from each other's lives."
"I'd never do that to them. God, I still love Riley, we just can't be together that's all."
"No, you're wrong Buffy, because if you really loved Riley like you say you do, well you'd be there right now, fighting tooth and nail to save this relationship."
"You're wrong."
"Am I? I think Buffy, you’re in love with the idea of Riley, not him."
"Don't tell me what I feel for him!" She whirled on him. "How dare you even imply I don’t have feelings for Riley."
"Do you love him?" Graham asked, as he casually leaned against the side of the Viper with his arms crossed.
"Of course I do!" She cried, and suddenly smirked when she saw Graham grinning at her.
"Then, don't do something that your both gonna regret after the dust settles and there's no turning back." He said, coming to her and handing her back the car keys.
"God, you're good."
"Riley taught me everything I know."
"I can see that."
"Tell you what, I’ll use the Porsche while I’m still here in Boston, but if things fall totally apart between Riley and me by the time I leave for L.A., I’m giving Riley back the car."
"Okay, agreed." Graham, answered.
"Good, now that I managed to get you to load my suitcases into your car, how about you pull them back out and switch them over to mine." Buffy said, walking over to the Porsche and opening the trunk lid.
Graham only groaned as he pulled them back out and lugged them over to the other car.
<><><><>
Riley sat by Evan’s bedside, holding his son’s hand. He didn’t know how he was going to handle being around Buffy and support their son, when at that moment he couldn’t stand the sight of her. He’d tried to take what Willow had said to heart, but he couldn’t. During their fight, things were said that he simply couldn’t forget or forgive. So how was he suppose to sit across from her and pretend like nothing was wrong?
It was at that moment that Buffy chose to reappear with Lindsey hot on her heels. Standing in the doorway, her eyes flickered from her son to his father, stopping there. She couldn’t help but feel the anger that he directed her way. How could Graham be so adamant that Riley would forgive her, because at this moment it seemed to her that he’d rather have her dead.
“Hey, Mom.” Evan said, holding his little hand out to his mother.
“How’s my baby doing?” Buffy moved into the room, coming to stand at her son’s bed.
“Tired.” He allowed, looking between his parents.
“Riley, can you and I speak in the hallway for a second? Lindsey can stay with Evan.” Buffy’s voice was cold and detached.
“Sure.” Riley said, getting up and walking out into the hallway.
Buffy stopped as soon as the door closed behind Riley and turned to him.
“Look, we’re gonna have to find a way to be in the same room, without you wanting to kill me every time I come near you. Evan’s not dumb, he’ll pick up that there’s something wrong here.” Buffy said, crossing her arms over her chest.
“We can take turns being with him.” Riley shrugged.
“Oh, that’ll work real well, we’ll both want to be with him all the time.” She said, shaking her head.
“And what do you suggest we do?” He asked sarcastically
“Try and act as if we’re fine in front of him. You know as well as I do, that he wants us to be together, so in front of him that’s what we are. Away from him, I don’t care what you do.” Her voice was controlled and steady, not revealing at all the inner turmoil she felt. She was angry with him, but in the same time she still loved him with her whole heart. How could she stay angry with him, and walk away again?
“I can do it, if you can.” He nodded stiffly.
“Fine.” She agreed.
“Fine.” He agreed, turning to go back into the room.
“Riley?” She said placing a hand on his arm to stop him.
“Anything else on Jordan since I left?” She asked, crossing her fingers for good luck, like she would have when she was a small child.
“Nothing, but I haven’t checked in an hour.” His arm seemed on fire where her hand sat. Here he was angry as hell with her, but in the same second he wanted and loved her beyond words.
“Can you keep me informed about the search?”
“Sure, I’ll let you know.” He relented.
“I do love her, you have to know that somewhere in your heart.” She pleaded gently with him, her tears threatening to fall again.
“I do.” He said turning to go back into Evan’s room. He wasn’t ready to fall back into the web yet.
“Ms. Summers?” A nurse said, coming up to her.
“Yes.” Buffy sniffed.
“Dr. Bishop asked if you could pop into his office upon your return.”
“Sure, just give me a second to let my son know.” She said, walking briskly back into the hospital room.
"Baby, here, you stay with your dad and Lindsey, I need to talk to Uncle Steve." Buffy said, leaning down to press a kiss on her son's forehead before she shot a warning look at both men.
"You upset him and I'll have both your heads." She whispered, as she walked away.
"Mommy?"
"Yes, baby?" She said, turning to Evan's side once more.
"You're coming back right? I want to be with you and Dad. I don't want to go alone."
"Ev, sweetie, I'll be right back, and I won't leave your side again." Buffy answered, kissing him again, before she walked out of the room shaking her head.
"Dad?" Evan said, holding his hand out to Riley.
"Yeah, Ev, I'm right here." He said, coming over to the bed and sitting in the chair next to it.
"I can't do this alone anymore. I need you to help me now." Evan turned to look at his father.
"Don't worry, Ev, I'm here for you." Riley answered, remembering his promise to Evan to help him fight.
"Yeah, right!" Lindsey sneered under his breath.
Riley shot him a look that said. "If it weren't for Evan being here and needing me, I'd have my fist shoved down your god damn throat."
Lindsey returned the threatening stare, his to say. "I'd like to see you try it, you big, dumb jerk!"
Riley, never letting go of Evan's hand, counter-stared. "I'm here for my son, it's me who he wants to help him fight this battle."
Lindsey's shot back. "I'm surprised, you were never there before for him."
The silent argument continued, neither participant showing any facial expression, but eye contact said volumes.
"Well, *I'm* here for him now buddy, so your days of influencing him are over!"
"We'll see about that, you bastard. Evan's and Buffy's home is in California, so they'll be coming back to me." Lindsey’s eyes narrowed ever so slightly.
Never did silence say so much. Evan's eyes got big as he watched the two men try to stare the other down. He felt his father's hand tighten protectively around his fingers to show him, no matter what was going to happen his father wasn't going to walk away.
Just then Buffy walked back into the room, pleased to see the two men sitting across from each other, appearing to be getting along.
"Well I'm glad to see you two haven't killed each other." Buffy said, as she walked back in the room, noticing immediately the tension in the air.
"Promised, no blood shed." Riley answered pleasantly. Yeah just what he needed, to be in the room with the two people who at the moment weren't his favorites.
"Yup, kept our word." Lindsey said, loving the look that passed between Buffy and Riley. Things weren't as peachy keen as they made it out to be.
"Look, Ev, I'm gonna go call and check on your sisters for a minute." Riley said, kissing the boy's head. "I'll be back."
"Dad, tell them I love them." Evan said, grabbing for his father's hand and pulling it to him.
"Ev, honey, let go of you father's hand." Buffy said, seeing the panic in the child's eyes.
"Really, Evan, I'm here and so is your mom." Lindsey said, suddenly feeling dismissed by the little boy.
"Don't leave me, Daddy." He whispered, terrified that his father would walk out of his life for good, just like Jordan had.
"Hey, I'm just going to check on your sisters and then on the search for Jordan. Evan, I'll be right back, buddy." Riley said, stroking the boy's hair. Looking up, he saw Buffy's panicked looked, and knew it mirrored his own panicked feelings.
"No, Dad, please don't go." Even in his sickened state, he had a firm grip of his father's hand.
"Okay, I'll just make the call over there by the window, okay? I won't go anywhere, but then that means your Uncle Lindsey has to leave." Riley said, seeking out Buffy's help to calm Evan down.
"Lindsey, could you?" Buffy asked knowing what she was asking Lindsey to do would kill him. Seeing the pain this was causing Lindsey broke her heart. The reality of the situation was, that if Riley hadn't re-entered their lives, it would be Lindsey by her side in her son's final days.
Buffy and Riley sat on either side of Evan’s bed, unable to really look at each other. Both felt betrayed by the other, but the love they felt for each other kept them bonded. Riley flipped through the FBI’s report on Jordan’s kidnapping, hoping to find something that they’d missed, but he found nothing. Angrily, Riley tossed the file to the floor, totally disgusted with himself. How could he have failed to protect his child, hadn’t he promised Claire that? Then, to hurt Buffy, to the point she’d walked out on him. However, it was the guilt he felt over Cordelia and his quickly developing feelings for her that made him ill.
“You okay?” Buffy asked, startled by his angry outburst.
“Fine, just …” He stopped to look at Buffy’s concerned face.
“I hate feeling helpless. I’m sitting here while my daughter is out there scared and alone, or even worse dead… and my son sits here dying. I can’t do anything to change that. All my money in the world can’t change that.” He said quietly, not wanting to wake up Evan.
“I’m sorry, I wish that neither of us had to go through this. I bet you wish I’d left you alone to your own life.” Buffy exhaled, thinking how she so didn’t want him to agree with this.
“No. Even if we lose Evan here…which I’m not saying we are. At least I can say I knew my son…even if it was for a little while.” Riley’s voice shook slightly.
“Do you need to get out of here for a while?” Buffy asked, she knew he was close to losing it.
“Yeah, I need some air.” He nodded getting to his feet.
“Can you ask my mom or Dawn to come in?”
“Sure.” He said, as he turned to leave, but stopped, “Buffy?”
She looked up at him and nodded.
“Can I bring you anything back?’
“Coffee?”
“You got it.” He smiled before exited the room.
Buffy exhaled deeply, wondering how much longer she could stay angry with the man sitting opposite her. His grief mixed with his anger was enough to make her want to hold him to her breast and comfort him, but the anger he felt was directed at her…and Lindsey.
Lindsey, why had she agreed to let him be part of all this, she knew his presence would only cause problems, but she couldn’t say no to him. Drawing her knees up to her chest, she wondered how much longer they would last like this.
<><><><>
Riley knelt on the kneeler in front of the altar, staring up at the cross as he blessed himself. Closing his eyes, he bent his head forward to rest it on his steepled fingers.
"God, I know I've asked you for so much over the years, and I know I begged you to spare Claire's life 2 years ago, and I know how I cursed you when you didn't. But God, I understand now your reasons for not saving her, your plan for me, I see it now...you wanted me to be stronger to raise my girls...to be the type of father you could be proud of." He said, raising his face to look at the cross again.
"I was so angry that you took Claire from the girls and me, I felt you kept taking the people I loved; Buffy, Claire, and my father...was this my payment for not following the path he chose for me? But I know that you are a merciful God, not a vindictive one...so why all the pain?" He wiped at his tears with the back of his hand.
"I've done your bidding my entire life and fought your wars against darkness, but it wasn't enough. You’re just like him...just like my father. I can't please you at all. Mom keeps telling me that each loss has been a hurdle for me to overcome...that they make me stronger. But God, I can't...just can't fight anymore! I can't...can't get any stronger than I am now, and I'm afraid that this time losing Jordan and Evan will kill me." He said, sobbing loudly as he raged to the heavens.
"Please God...please help Graham find her in time to save Evan... Please, please let her be alive...please." He cried dropping his head into his hands.
Bryan stood in the doorway listening to his son's pain and with each lament Riley cried out, it tore through Bryan's heart.
"Don't worry Riley, Graham will find Jordan. I'm sure God is leading him to her right now." Bryan said quietly, walking towards Riley.
"He knows what you've sacrificed for him and that you're doing his work. He’s standing next to Jordan and Evan and protecting them, nothing will harm them. Son, I know in my heart everything will turn out fine. Jordan will be found safe, the transplant will be successful and *my* grandson will live to carry on our name."
"*Your* grandson? You mean you’re accepting him?" Riley asked hopefully, looking into his father's eyes for a sign to indicate what he said was true.
"Riley, of course I'll accept him, he's your son. You love him and I love you. I'm just sorry about all the pain and anger I caused you the last several years." Bryan said, placing an arm around Riley’s shoulder as he sat down next to him.
"I know you think I hate you for not entering the priesthood and I admit, I was angry but I do understand everyone needs to follow their own dream. I followed mine when I left Ireland to come here and look at what I was blessed with. I’m married to a wonderful woman who gave me three sons I couldn’t be more proud of. All of you are helping mankind. And Riley, don’t think you’re hiding from me the fact Kevin, Chris and your mother are involved with your company because I’ve known for years. I just thought it would cause fewer problems if you didn’t think I knew."
"But Riley, when it came for you to enter the priesthood, it was my pride that got in the way... I had such hopes for you. You were the one I thought would do my bidding, but when you turned your back on me. Riley I...it felt like I'd lost you. And that's not a feeling I want you to experience." Bryan said, patting Riley's back.
"Dad, I can't lose them. Jordan's my whole life, and the connection we share is what kept me going each day after Claire died. I can't lose her. She must be terrified...it's like at times I can feel her fear and it overpowering. Dad, she's my baby." Riley said, turning to face his father, the fear flashing wildly in his eyes.
"Riley, I'm here for you. We'll find her, I promise you, Claire's doing her thing up there, too." Bryan said, gathering his son in his arms. Suddenly Bryan remembered a little blonde boy who had cried in his arms the day their dog Ginger died. Bryan wondered if he had failed his son...had he closed himself off from Riley?
"Buffy...sniff...is she okay?" Riley asked, resting his head on his father's shoulder as Bryan reached for and then handed him a Kleenex.
"Your mother’s with her, she's a strong woman, Riley. And you’re right, she's amazing."
"I lashed out and said some terrible things to her. She'll probably never speak to me again. We sit opposite each other over Evan’s bed and all we can make is polite small talk. I’ve ruined any chance I had for us to reconcile"
"I doubt that, I think she realizes pain makes people do terrible things...."
"But you didn't hear what I accused her of!" Riley said, pushing away from his father's embrace.
"Riley, Buffy's worried about you. She knows you've got more to lose here than she does. If we don't find Jordy, we could lose Ev as well. Buffy's a very smart woman, Riley, she knows you didn't mean your accusations."
"But, Dad..."
"That's enough, Riley, we need to think of positive things, we need to plan for fun times like the family's St. Patrick's Day celebration with both of my grandchildren sitting at the table. Don’t worry, Graham's gonna bring Jordan home. I promise you."
"He promised me that, too."
"He's a good man, Riley. It's always amazed me how people would lie down for you, you're a natural born leader."
"I'm just lucky to have loyal friends, Dad."
"He loves you, Riley, and so do I. I'm just sorry I was too stubborn and proud to tell you that." Bryan said, hoping Riley would hear him.
"Thank you, Dad. You...you don't know what that means to me. And I want you to know I love you, too... I always have." Riley said smiling shyly. "And you know what? Buffy told me I remind her of you."
"Oh God, I take back what I said." Bryan said chuckling. "If you remind her of me, she's lost her mind."
Riley could only laugh with him, their voices sounding so much alike that someone walking nearby would think there was only one person occupying the room.
"Now come on, son, you and I'll both say a prayer for Jordan's safe return and light a candle for Evan. And later if you want to take a break and get away for a few minutes, I can sit with Evan. I'd kinda like to get to know my grandson a little better. You know, find out what his hobbies are - fishing, hunting, going camping; that sorta stuff. Maybe someday, he and I can spend some time together, just like you and I did when you were little. Or maybe if you could take the time off, the three of us could do something, hmm?"
"I'd like that, Dad, and I'm sure Ev would, too." Riley said, bowing his head in again in prayer.
“Please just spare my children.” He whispered, as he got to his feet and moved to the wall of candles.
Both men lit candles and stood together side by side in silence, each happy that their differences were put behind them. Now they could face the future, a son knowing he could turn to his father for advice and assurance.
Throwing his arm back over Riley's shoulder as they left the chapel, Bryan said. "Let's go find your mother, that beautiful girlfriend of yours, and Joyce, and go get a cup of coffee. What do you say? I’ll spring. Afterwards, I think you taking a few minutes to be alone with Buffy might be a good idea."
"What about Evan? We can't leave him." Riley said, panicking.
"Marc can stay with him. Ev will be fine with him, you know that."
"Dad, he blames himself for Jordy being taken, I doubt he'll wanna sit with Evan alone.."
"I know he does, but Dawn's with him. She's a special girl, isn't she?" Bryan asked wondering what the Summers' women had that seemed to hold the men in his family captive.
"More than special. You go grab the women and I’ll let you go invite Buffy to join us, I have a feeling if I did, she’d refuse.”
“Sure.” Bryan nodded.
“I’m gonna try calling Graham to see if they found anything yet."
"He's gonna find Jordan."
" I know he will, he’s a bit of a bulldog that way, hates to let go of something.”
“He’s stubborn. So I’ll see ya upstairs.” Bryan said, moving toward the chapel door.
“You know what Dad, go without me, I'm positive I'm the last person in the world Buffy wants to share a coffee with. I think I'll call Gray and then call Cordelia to see how Hope and Tristan are."
"Riley, you need to speak to the girl. I mean really talk."
"No, Dad, I can't...she's made arrangements to move her stuff to a hotel."
"Riley, don't let this end this way."
Riley turned to look at his father, shaking his head.
"Why are you pushing this so? Five days ago you thought she was the biggest slut in the world, and now you're running for the presidency of the Buffy Summer's fan club."
"You're my son Riley, and I want what's best for you and those kids, and that's Buffy. You two belong together, she loves you."
"Not anymore. Dad, please let's just drop this conversation okay?"
"Sure for now, but you know how stubborn I can be when I set my mind to something."
"Don't think I'd ever forget that one, Dad."
The story continues in chapter 44
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