- by Owen Morton and William Shakespeare
There may be some of the more devoted members of the readership of this website who recall the article way back in April or March last year, which claimed to be the whole of William Shakespeare's Twelfth Night, rewritten from memory. And okay, it wasn't quite like that, but it did come close. Or, if not exactly close as such, it would have come much closer if I hadn't inserted my own feelings on the matter into Viola's last line in my version. Go and read that article if you want to know what I'm talking about.
The point that I'm attempting to make here is that I'm a devotee of Shakespeare's work. I have read seven of his plays, and while this may not seem a lot, it is in fact more than anyone else on my corridor. But then, as they're all chemists, comscis and economists, without an A-level in English Literature between the lot of them, that's perhaps not surprising. But anyway, the point to this particular paragraph is an attempt to justify this latest project of mine. I did Hamlet, perhaps the most famous Shakespeare play for my A-level, and I liked it. It was quite good really. However, I did think it could do with a few minor tweakings. And that is what I'm going to do here, in a project that will appear over probably the next few months or even years, as the fancy takes me, on this website.
Ladies, gentlemen and others, I present Hamlet: the Rewrite!
Just don't expect it to be any good, please.
FRANCESCO: Who is it?
[Enter MARCELLUS and BERNARDO
MARCELLUS: It's me, you mairpus.
FRANCESCO: Who you callin' a mairpus, you filthy rotten blingel?
MARCELLUS: You, who did you think?
BERNARDO: Has this thing appeared again tonight?
MARCELLUS: Stop trying to distract me from this important matter. He's insulted me and he must pay for it.
FRANCESCO: Er, I think you'll find you insulted me first.
MARCELLUS: I don't think I will.
FRANCESCO: You will. I'd prove it as well, were it possible.
BERNARDO: Are you sure this thing has not appeared again tonight?
MARCELLUS: But it's not possible, is it, so just shut your stupid lying face before I shut it for you.
FRANCESCO: Well, excuse me, but I think -
BERNARDO: Can we get on with the important bit of the play, please? I mean, this is called the Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, not the Stupid Feud Between Francesco And Marcellus Arising From The Latter Calling The Former A Mairpus.
MARCELLUS: We're only in this scene, so we might as well establish our characters.
BERNARDO: We are in the next scene as well; we just don't speak. So get on with it. Has this thing appeared again tonight?
MARCELLUS: I wouldn't know. You'd better ask Francesco the Mairpus.
FRANCESCO: Shut up, you wombat.
BERNARDO: If you're going to argue, couldn't you at least do it in Shakespearean language?
MARCELLUS: If you don't shut it right now, Bernardo, I'll slit you up a treat.
FRANCESCO: That's my friend you're talking to, Marcellus, so you'd best watch it.
MARCELLUS: I know it was. I was just -
BERNARDO: Has this thing appeared again tonight?!
FRANCESCO: No. There has been neither sight nor sound of it. Would that it were the same with a certain member of the Danish guard.
MARCELLUS: If that were some sort of veiled insult, Francesco, then -
[Enter HORATIO
BERNARDO: What ho, Horatio!
HORATIO: What you talking like that for, Dave? Oh, we're on. Sorry. Uh, yes. What ho to you too, Bernardo!
BERNARDO: This thing has not appeared again tonight.
HORATIO: Uh. What thing would this be?
BERNARDO: The thing that I have told you, that has appeared these last three nights.
HORATIO: Oh. Uh. Oh, yes. That. Uh. Yes. Well. Never mind, eh?
BERNARDO: But methinks it doth portent some great harbinger of woe.
HORATIO: But, uh. Yes. But if it hasn't appeared again tonight, then perhaps it isn't actually some great harbinger of woe after all, eh?
FRANCESCO: Perhaps the harbinger of woe it was foretelling was the coming of Marcellus this evening.
MARCELLUS: You'd best take that back right now, Francesco, or I'll have your guts for garters. Was that Shakespearean enough, Bernardo?
BERNARDO: Horatio, you must believe us. These last three nights, we three have seen this thing appear. Methinks it doth portent some great harbinger of woe.
HORATIO: Yes. Perhaps it does. Um. Well, yes. It's quite likely actually. But, um. You say it hasn't appeared again tonight?
FRANCESCO: No, I have seen it not.
HORATIO: Well, perhaps, um, the great harbinger of woe thingy has passed.
BERNARDO: But lo! It approaches now!
[Enter GHOST
HORATIO: Oh. Oh yes. So it does. Doth, I mean.
BERNARDO: Look how it appears in the guise of the late king Hamlet! Look! It is dressed in his armour and warlike apparel! Methinks it doth portent some great harbinger of woe!
HORATIO: Um. Well, yes. What does it want?
MARCELLUS: Maybe it wants to eat Francesco.
FRANCESCO: I'll let that pass, Marcellus, if only because I'm going to kill you in your sleep later tonight anyway.
BERNARDO: See, Horatio! See how it raises its hand towards us! It must want something! Speak to it, Horatio! Thou art a scholar!
HORATIO: Yes. But. It's not as easy as all that, you know.
BERNARDO: You must speak to it, Horatio! It will answer you; thou art a scholar! Mayhap only you can find out what it wants! And just think how good communicating with the dead will look to your lecturers back at Wittenberg.
HORATIO: Oh. Um. A good point. [To GHOST Hello. What do you want?
[Exit GHOST
BERNARDO: Oh! See, Horatio! See how it glides away! You have angered it, Horatio! You've totally buggered up your chances of impressing your lecturers now, haven't you?
HORATIO: Shut the fuck up, Bernardo.
FRANCESCO: I'm noting a sudden increase in words that Shakespeare wouldn't have used.
MARCELLUS: I don't recall anyone asking you, Francesco. You're just a guard anyway. What do you know? Shakespeare used words that were explicit enough in his day. Why shouldn't the rewrite use them?
FRANCESCO: Not in this scene. It serves no dramatic purpose.
MARCELLUS: Are you really -
BERNARDO: Be quiet, you two. Well, this thing has appeared again tonight. Methinks it doth portent some great harbinger of woe.
HORATIO: Um. Yes. You're probably right there. And as it appeared to be the father of our current Prince Hamlet, maybe we should go and tell him.
BERNARDO: Yes. We could do that next scene, couldn't we?