- by Owen Morton
This is going to be slightly unlike my last movie review, that of Moulin Rouge, on account of having actually seen the film that is being reviewed. I was lucky enough to get tickets for the premiere night of Star Wars II - Attack of the Clones, and had I been really motivated, I might have written this review last night instead of this afternoon. But sadly, I wasn't.
I will admit that I really enjoyed the film, and that it was much better than I recall Star Wars I - The Phantom Menace being. I can't really remember much about The Phantom Menace, but I do have distinct recollections of glancing at my watch during it more than ten times, which is never a good sign for a film. I also remember the extremely irritating child who played Anakin Skywalker.
Sadly, for Attack of the Clones, the new actor hired to play Anakin was just as irritating, though in a different way. The child who played him in The Phantom Menace was annoying because most child actors are. The guy who played him in Attack of the Clones was just extremely wooden. He had no acting skills whatsoever, and quite where they dredged him up from, I don't know. Of course, the dialogue they provided him with wasn't particularly inspiring. The scene in which he tells Senator Amidala or whatever her name is that he killed all the desert baddies is an excellent example of badly written dialogue. I mean, after he said, "I killed them," did anyone think that he wasn't going to finish with, "I killed them all"? I just knew that he would. He left enough of a pause for me to hope that he wouldn't, and then he said it. I was tempted to leap up and scream, but then I remembered I was in the cinema, so I thought it would be best not to. But the unoriginal dialogue is not enough to excuse him from his terrible delivery. The scene in which he finds his mother is a particular example of cringeworthy acting - and cringeworthy dialogue, of course. It seems that various members of the female population thought that this abysmal actor was actually quite sexy. Personally, I found Ewan McGregor sexier.
Perhaps that says more about me than the film.
The girl playing Senator Amidala was also exceptionally wooden, but we won't hold that against her, because she was quite nice to look at. Or at least she would have been if she'd not had her hair hidden in some stupid hair-hiding device for most of the film. I don't think this point particularly needs any further discussion.
The rest of the actors were all right, or as all right as they could be with the pathetic dialogue they were given. I suppose that leaves me only the plot to talk about. Personally, I didn't quite follow the plot. Perhaps this was because there wasn't really one. As far as I could tell, there were a group of separatist star systems who wanted to break away from the Galactic Republic, and their leader was Count Doocu, played by Christopher Lee. I think. It looked like him anyway. The Republic wasn't letting them go, so Doocu unleashed all sorts of nasty robots to attack our heroes, namely Anakin, Obi Wan Kenobi, and Amidala. But fortunately, Obi Wan had already, earlier in the film, happened upon a planet where a huge army of clones was being manufactured, and Yoda and some other individuals brought these clones to the aid of the goodies. The clones look surprisingly like the Storm Troopers who are so manifestly evil in Episodes IV, V and VI, so I begin to suspect that using these clones is the beginning of the end for the Republic and the start of the evil Empire. Gosh! That made it sound like I know something about Star Wars!
Anyway, it occurred to me that why shouldn't the separatists be allowed to split off from the Republic if they wanted? I can't really be bothered to discuss this point much, but it sounds like if they don't want to be part of the Republic anymore, they shouldn't just be stuck with it. But no, the fascistic Jedi Knights intervene to make sure the Republic stays in one piece. Okay, it is revealed at the end that Doocu is in league with some baddy called Darth Sidious, whom I seem to remember made a rather cursory appearance in The Phantom Menace as well, so there was obviously something bad going on with the separatists. But on the surface, didn't they have a legitimate concern that the Senate should have actually listened to?
Jar Jar Binks, of The Phantom Menace fame, did make an appearance in this film, but it was extremely brief and he only had about five lines, over maybe three scenes, so we won't really hold that against this film. But if the irritating creature shows up in Episode III, I shan't be terribly pleased. You can't imagine the horror I felt when Jar Jar appeared in one of the first few scenes. I thought he was going to feature throughout the whole film. Fortunately, I was wrong. Thank Christ. What Lucas was thinking when he invented that thing, I really do not know.
For the most part of the film, however, I gave up on attempting to follow the rather non-existent storyline and just watched the nice flashing lights. The battle scenes special effects were spectacular. I was very impressed. The only thing I was rather disappointed at was that there was a sad dearth of space battles. There was one, but nothing to rival what I remember from Episode IV, the only one of the old Star Wars films I've actually seen.
There were, though, a couple of points about the story that I think need mentioning. Just a small number of inconsistencies and plot mistakes. No film is complete without them. Firstly, when Anakin and Amidala go to Doocu's planet to rescue Obi Wan, they notice an exhaust vent that they can land their ship in to hide it. Besides the fact that this was a steam vent, which one would assume is extremely hot (i.e. hot enough to kill anybody who stepped out into it), someone had actually taken the time to build a landing pad in the middle of it! Yes, because that makes sense! Hmm, where shall we put this landing pad? Well … how about in the middle of this steam vent?
I won't comment on the complete uselessness of the door that this landing pad provides. Well, all right, I will, since I've started. Anakin, Amidala, C-3PO and R2-D2 walk along a nice little corridor, fighting off a couple of baddies in the process, which terminates in a door. Going through this door, they find that it slams shut behind them and will not reopen. This isn't the worst part of it, though. On the other side of the door there is only a small platform above a huge abyss (or something similar - it really isn't worth explaining exactly what the platform is over), which instantly begins to get smaller, eventually leading for a our four protagonists to fall off.
Okay, so - assuming this isn't a trap, since there isn't any dialogue which indicates Doocu knows they're coming - we can assume that this was built by the baddies for a purpose. But what purpose could this particular door have? There really is no plausible explanation for it. I can't be bothered to go on about it at length, but … no, it's just ridiculous.
And the final thing plot-wise I wish to comment on is the execution scene. Failing miserably in their attempts to rescue Obi Wan (not least because they should be dead from steam vents and because of falling into ravines), Anakin and Amidala are led into a large arena with Obi Wan to be executed. They are chained to pillars and Doocu says something to the effect of, "Let the executions begin."
The point I wish to make here is that baddies never, ever learn. If you want a hero dead, you don't concoct some impressively grandiose death for him, because he'll beat it through insurmountable odds. What you should do is just shoot him. This would have saved Doocu no end of problems (well, actually, it wouldn't, because Yoda would have shown up with the clone army regardless, but at the time, it would have finished the whole affair in a tidy manner). But instead, he releases three unpleasant beasts into the arena who then attack our heroes. Sure enough, chained up as they are, they survive, recover their light sabres and go on a bit of a rampage before they are finally cornered. It is at this point that Yoda appears with his Storm Troopers. So Doocu should have just shot them.
And while we're on the subject, just what sort of name is Doocu anyway?
Well, that's about all I can think of to say about this film. But since it's a Star Wars article, and I'm unlikely to write another until 2005 with the release of Episode III (if then), I may as well mention this now. When I was little, I had only two Star Wars figures. Fortunately, one of them was good and the other was evil, so I was able to create pitched battles between them. Representing the Dark Side was that master of evil, Darth Vader. Pitted against him in any Star Wars battles I might choose to stage was … the chief Ewok from Return of the Jedi.
Evil always won, not least because I tended to pretend that the Ewok was Teddy Ruxpin anyway.
And having filled you in on that important information from my formative years, I will go and do something productive (i.e. play FreeCell, which has replaced Spider Solitaire as the game of choice).