Dagomiharad Dispatch

March 11-17

Local News

Jackson versus Daniels for Governor

It has been reported that Eden Jackson of the Republican party will run up against Democratic candidate John Daniel, both a resident of Dagomiharad, Florida. Both candidates are considered high favorites and it is considered likely that Eden Jackson will be the favorite to win as the Republicans have had the spot for some time. John Daniel is considered a much stronger candidate however than the previous Democratic candidates. This should be one excellent contest.
-Meriodic Jolstern, Dagomiharad Dispatch

Man Survives 35 Story Drop

A man who’s name is unknown at this time was apparently thrown off of the SunTrust building Tuesday, March 12 and smashed through a mini van. The minivan exploded by the force of the man’s body hitting it. Several eye witnesses said they saw the body smash into the van. Sally Smith called the authorities to report the ‘death’ but by the time the authorities got there, the body was gone. The van was smashed in as reported and after doing tests on it, researchers find that it was likely a body that hit the car. There was blood on the car to show the victim was likely a male. The blood has been matched to no people thus far. The police are still investigating this odd event severely.
-Michael Robenstich, Dagomiharad, Dispatch

Man Attacked in Florida Mall

It was reported that on Thursday, March 14 a man by the name of Vincent Denofrio was attacked in the Florida Mall by an unknown man. The man was described by over one hundred eye witnesses to be short and thin. As described by Mr. Denofrio, he was “wearing a green cloak with a perch on it. He had black pants on with very worn boots. The man was wearing a very dirty brown shirt, not your typical shirt, buttoned at the top and loose fitting. He was about 5 feet 7 inches tall and looked to weigh about 160 pounds. The man pulled a sword on Mr. Denofrio in the middle of the food court. Mr. Denofrio was barely about to defend himself with two steel chairs. The unknown man left before authorities had time to show up on the scene. No clues of any kind were left behind. No finger prints could be matched up and no clues at well are known except the fact that many people could possibly point him out in a crowd. “I’m gonna get that man who came in here and disturbed my mall. I’m going to rip his head off and roll down the street,” said Police Marshall Sergeant Hightower. “People who disturb the peace will not be tolerated!” Police are doing everything in their power to investigate this crime.
-Barry Blackwater, Dagomiharad Dispatch

Entertainment

Hamilton in Final “Friends” Episode

Alex Hamilton, the movie star who just recently moved to Dagomiharad, Florida has already made news in less than a week in Dagomiharad. He was spotted down at the beach signing autographs for hundreds of fans. It was reported that he stayed there the entire time and signed each and every autograph asked for. He even took a fan out to lunch. “He’s such a fine young gentlemen, he made my grandson very happy,” quotes senior citizen Margaret Baker. It is reported that May 17th and 18th he will be recording a guest appearance in the final episode of “Friends.” What exactly he is doing has not been made known to the press as of now.
-Bridget Jones, Dagomiharad Dispatch

Does Your Life Need Quickening?

Come to Alex Hamilton’s autograph signing on Monday May 13th at 7:00 PM! The signing will be held at the beachfront east of the downtown area. Autographs are free!
-Larry Stankojonk, Dagomiharad Dispatch

People

St. Joseph Hires New Priest

It was reported that on Monday, March 11 that St. Joseph’s Roman Catholic Church hired a new priest by the name of Christopher Jenova. “He is a mighty fine priest, he speaks clearly and he has a lot of beautiful things to say. He was unusual compared to the typical priests, but he knows a lot about the word of God and will bring us to a new light,” commented church member Alicia Weese. Father Jenova gave his first sermon on Sunday the 17th of March and it was considered a success. Good luck to St. Joseph.
-Crystal Cullison, Dagomiharad Dispatch

Sports

Flapjacks pick up Canseco

After being cut by the Montreal Expos, the Dagomiharad Flapjacks picked up the contract of Veteran and future Hall of Famer, Jose Canseco. “We just felt our team couldn’t get any worse. None of our citizens come to the games, I figured he might be able to draw some fans,” comments General Manager Whitey Wilson. Canseco was the first ever man to hit 40 home runs and steal 40 bases on one season. He is just 38 home runs away from the famous 500 mark. He will be moving to Dagomiharad in the month of April to be a part of the ball club. Good luck and enjoy your stay in Dagomiharad, Jose! In May the Dagomiharad Flapjacks will play the New York Yankees. Good luck!
-Eric Cessler, Dagomiharad Dispatch

Slammers Eliminated

The Dagomiharad Slammers were eliminated from playoff contention when the New Jersey Nets defeated them 122-69. “This isn’t the best season this ball club has had,” claims Coach Ingle, “Next year we are going to win the championship and that’s all there is to it.” Sure they are.
-Cooper Giles, Dagomiharad Dispatch

That’s the news for this week, tune in next week to see what else happens in this crazy city!