March
13, 2001
The Dickens League Project…or The Mutated Major Leagues
For the past several
years, the state of Major League Baseball could have been described by Charles
Dickens…as the the best of times…and the worst of times. Another labor stoppage
had wiped out the 1994 World Series. Bringing fans back through the turnstiles
was of paramount concern. What could be done to envigorate the product and get
the money flowing again? It was seen by some of the MLB heirarchy that offense,
and only offense could make the fans interested enough and stimulated enough,
to open their wallets yet again. Baseball Records would fall in droves that
fans everywhere thought would never be broken. And fans would return in droves
to watch it all happen.
Several top secret
projects and experiments were initiated to discover which option would bring
the most fans back to the game, and ultimately produce the most cash. Those who
worked on these projects were on double super secret probation, and could not
reveal to anyone the nature of their work. Our MLB mole, or The Strat Rat as we
all now know him, was a high ranking member of the secret, undergound labyrinth
lair of Major League B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. hidden on Trinidad-Tobago, that was the
headquarters of Dr. Evil Don Fehr and Number 2 Bud Selig . The following are
documents that have never before been seen by any Baseball fan. What they
reveal may be startling and again it is suggested that if you have a weak
stomach or are of sound mind, you should read no further.
Memo
from Dr. Evil Don Fehr to Number 2 Bud Selig, October, 1994:
Number 2,
It has come to our attention
here at the MLB Players Association that you have no intention of backing off
on your preposterous idea that we should give up some of what my boys have
worked so hard over the years to attain. Namely money. And Guaranteed
Contracts. And Long-term Guaranteed Contracts. And did I mention lots of money?
Now Bud, we have no
intention of doing that, but I believe that I have a possible solution. One
where both of us can benefit and like always, in the end it will be the fans
who pay for it. How beautiful is that? I, errrr, I mean the Players Union,
keeps what we, errr, I mean they deserve, and you and the other owners clean up
too.
Here’s how it works.
The fans are brain-dead, polish sausage eating, video game playing,
me-generation rejects. If we give them what they want…namely here and now
excitement…then they’ll come back to the parks. And they’ll pay whatever we
want them to pay to get their little fix. All they want is to say they went to
a game and saw something exciting, like a few home runs or an 11-9 game. We’ll
give them that and more. They’ll scream themselves hoarse…and we’ll all laugh
our way to the banks.
As for the ones that
don’t come back? Screw ‘em. We’ll get most of their discretionary income other
ways.
By endorsements: My
boys’ shoe, clothing and other product advertising deals jack up the price of
Nike’s and other gear thru the roof. But do the brain-dead masses care? Hell,
no! Griffey wears ‘em, that’s all that matters.
By licensing and
video games: If they’re not at the park, they’ll be playing video games on
their pathetic little Play Stations with little miniature Derek Jeter’s, or
they’ll be wearing t-shirts and jackets with our logos on them. And we’ll make
them pay thru the nose to do those things too.
By utility and other
major corporation advertising dollars: Hell, they don’t know it, but they’ll be
paying higher gas, electricity and other commodity prices, because we’ll make
corporations pay through the nose for stadium naming rights, advertising,
luxury boxes and corporate seating.
Isn’t trickle down
economics great? One way or another, we’ll get all of the fans’ discretionary
income…and their little dog too! Fans have nothing to fear, but Fehr himself!
Dr. Evil Don Fehr
This merger…I mean
message, will self-destruct in 5 seconds…
Response to Dr. Evil’s memo, from Number 2, November, 1994.
Dr.
Evil Don,
As you
can imagine, we are quite willing to go along with your scheme. However, since
we initiated this one, it has to look like either you capitulated to our demands
(that means gave in), or we came to a mutual agreement of some kind. Since it
is unlikely the fans would ever buy the fact that one of us gave in to the
other, it is recommended we follow your proposal in secret, while giving all
outward appearances that both of us have given the other something.
The
fans will go along with that, and as you said, we will get their money from
them whether they go to the games or not, but in order to rake in the really
hideous amounts of money that are out there to be taken, we need them coming
back to the ballparks. Here is what I propose, using your suggestion of
self-serving, here and now excitement that the fans want nowadays. If it’s runs
and home runs they want, then that’s what they’ll get…and in bunches.
First,
we alter all the ballparks to be more like Coors Field. Fans won’t know the
difference. Do you really think a baseball fan can estimate the depth of an
outfield fence? 330…350…what’s the difference to them, as long as it says 350
on the sign. Electric fans and wind tunnels can then be used to alter air
currents in the park for greater carry effect. And just for good measure, we
can let the players use corked bats and the umpires can mix in a few juiced
baseballs.
Then we
feed all pitchers from the Rookie Leagues on up, a hormone that makes them more
effeminate and unwilling to pitch inside. Coupled with a threat to allow the
use of aluminum bats, those guys will never be able to pitch effectively again.
Finally,
with the sciences of cloning and gene splicing becoming more accurate and
practical, we can genetically engineer super hitters or clone the best players
in the game, so that everyone can see the superstars. Hell, we can bring back
Dimaggio and Ruth if we want to. The fans will flock to see them and we will
rake in the dough. So what if every game is 15-12? That only means the beer
vendors can stay open longer. We can have an old-timers game with REALLY old
timers! We’ll call it Jurassic Ballpark or something. Kids will go wild!
Number
2 Bud Selig
The Experiment
What
you are about to read are the results of this ill-fated experiment. Bear in
mind, that this league was played using teams full of the best ball players in
the game…and only those players. Since the fans wanted offense, money for pitching
was deemed unneccessary, so the pitching staffs of each team was made up of
players who were willing to do it without pay and pitch for tips only, and
under the stipulation that they also double as the clubhouse boys and the
grounds keepers.
It was determined
by the powers that be in MLB, that the excitement of an offensive game was more
likely to bring back the fans, rather than a tightly contested pitcher’s duel.
To accomplish this end first, the league was trimmed back to only 20
franchises, since fans in Montreal or Tampa Bay and other such places wouldn’t
care anyway. The team names were then changed to reflect the fact that the fans
cared more about the players on them rather than the city, nickname or the
history of a franchise. Each team was given an identical stadium, Coors Field,
since just like the cookie-cutter multi-purpose stadiums of the ‘70’s, nobody
can tell them apart anyway. Lastly, all teams were given the same manager,
Buddy Bell. It was deemed too dangerous to clone Bobby Valentine 19 times, for
the game is barely able to put up with 1 of him, so Buddy was selected based on
the belief he was least like to instigate any simultaneous riots.
Then,
the best players in the league were cloned 9 times and numbered by the position
they would play. I.E. Mike Piazza6, played (or attempted to play)shortstop,
etc. Now the owners and the Player’s Association would show the fans what they
wanted, big time! You want home runs…you got ‘em! You want slugfests and
records dropping right and left…you got it!
Test sample problems
With
virtually every score reaching high double digits, and a few threatening to
reach triple digits, the scores were higher than an XFL game and a few teams
average scores were almost as high as the Wizards and Clippers. On more than
one occasion, it was thought that the hard drive would simply crash under the
weight of the sheer number of box scores it was saving and statistical
calculations it was performing.
On the
players side, Gary Sheffield9 demanded a trade and refused to play his
position. Frank Thomas0 wanted to play 1B and Frank Thomas3 wanted to DH, so an
accomodation had to be made. In the end, the entire Thomas Franks roster was
traded for the Sheffield Garys roster, but it was later rescinded due to the
fact that all 18 Sheffields’ and Thomas’ could not guarantee their states of
mind or sanity for the remainder of their contracts.
It’s
believed that the lack of left handed pitching led to the poor seasons of the
Piazza Mikes, the I-Rod Ivans, and a few other teams. The Giambi Jasons, Bonds
Barrys and McGwire Big Macs proved to have 3 of the best cards in the set.
All of
the players hit over .600 in the clutch, but since this league means nothing, and
with the very idea of clutch hitting simply preposterous, it is just assumed
that our sample size is not sufficient to handle the standard eliptical
deviation, which totally invalidates our entire prognosis, based partly, but
not entirely in fact that our neural processors are firing more slowly in our
left frontal lobe during a lunar eclipse, but may have been more valid had we
performed the test while scratching our heads and patting our stomachs while
hopping on our left foot and eating a polish sausage. Whew!
Brian Williams
proved that as with most major awards that have to be given out every year,
such as the Grammy’s, no matter how bad the performance, how little the talent
pool is in a particular category, and how pointless some awards really are in a
given year, someone had to win the Cy Young.
Some of
the more interesting notes on the season, was the fact that HAL would not use a
DH without someone on the bench and it only placed a player into the computer
lineup at his natural position and DH and did not fill out the rest of the lineup.
When it PH for itself is beyond analysis. The box score readings were the most
humorous, especially when they propped a pitcher for striking out 11, while
giving up 7 HR’s and 23 runs. “Lima-time really had his stuff tonight. He
totally kept the hitters off balance and was simply overpowering out there.”
Too funny!
The Analysis and Conclusion
After
much deliberation as to the results, they were deemed by Dr. Evil and Number 2
as being inconclusive. With one beeelllion dollars 
spent on the experiment, and way too many primadonas now running
around, some conclusion had to be drawn from the work. The conclusion drawn by
the inner circle of Major League B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. was that pitcher’s with
repeating consonants in their last name, such a navaRRo, haLLaday or cubiLLan,
simply cannot pitch in Major League Baseball.
Also,
no matter how poor the state of pitching in the league, all 20 teams refused to
pitch Charles Nagy or Hideki Irabu. Man, that outta tell you something.
Interestingly
enough, and I don’t know enough about the way that attendance numbers are
generated by the computer, it seemed that as the scores continued to be
outrageous, the attendance began to drop. Several of the box scores we looked
at had attendance numbers in the 10,000 to 13,000 range and weather was turned
off for the replay. This was enough to convince the boys of Major League
B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. that high scores was not enough to bring people into the ball
parks and make them stay, no matter how many beers those 6 guys in the stands
after the top of the 7th drank.
So it’s
back to the drawing board where another plot is soon to be hatched. Stay
tuned…I’m sure you’ll be quite entertained!
THE STATISTICAL
PROOF THAT THERE IS NO BASEBALL LIFE WITHOUT PITCHING
2000 Dickens League
Newspaper
Recap League Leaders