An Eating Guide to the Silver Millenium, Part 1: The Clinical Depression Meal

By Richard Beaubien

**** Prologue

It was all caused by an accident. A fairly innocent accident, really, as all accidents tend to be. But the shockwaves that the accident caused were anything but innocent. In fact, they led to rather nasty and distasteful consequences which threatned the very fabric of space and time (though that was rather a common occurence in this day and age). Yet it all started with one rather simple and rather stupid accident that involved a Kargon warship in a rather plain sector of space in a rather plain section of time.

You see, the Kargons' ship was on its way to take part in a war the Kargons were involved with in a distant part of the galaxy. All you need to know about the war is that it's a rather silly war that had started, rather ironically, because of a rather innocent and stupid accident caused at some stuffy shirt luncheon. One thing led to another, and as is usually the norm for most diplomatic incidents a rather simple event lead to the throws of wars and millions of innocent lives were lost because said diplomat got his sandwich sliced diagonally instead of vertically. Thus, said accident was the reason one Kargon warship was in a rather plain sector of space, ready to fight a war for the honor of some snooty diplomat who just couldn't leave well enough alone.

It was in this plain sector of space where another rather plain and silly accident happened. A rather bored navigation officer was working late one night at his terminal when, quite by accident, he spilled his frothy hot beverage of Quallon onto the navigation computer., Needless to say the navigation computer did not enjoy the hot beverage, and proceded to spark as the Quallon slowly covered its motherboard. The end result of said accident was a 24-hour rapid repair job, during which the rather inebriated navigation computer (it is a little known fact that most navigation computers have a low tolerance to Quallon) proceded to move the ship on a rather erratic course. The final destination being a rather unimpressive system devoid of any intelligent life - and, more importantly, lacking the opponents the Kargons were supposed to be fighting.

Still, as is normal procedure for all Kargon miltary ships, the battle computer ran a threat anaylsis on the unimpressive system. And to the shock of most everyone on board the ship who thought the system was a rather wussy system the computer came to one conclusion. It was 'Great Danger... RUN AWAY... WE WILL BE DESTROYED!!!'.

A rather puzzled Captain looked at the message and laughed accordingly; how could a system so mind-numbingly boring as this stand in the way of a mighty Kargon war ship? Still, his curosity was piqued... and the captain did wonder why his computer had such a great fear of the pathetic place.

So he quickly checked in with his superiors on Kargon Prime, reported his coordinates and stated that he was investigating a local anomaly (which his superiors translated as 'Ship is going crazy, going to kill some yokels for fun'). Slowly the ship moved into the system, and broadcasted a message back home saying that it had reached the first planet in the system and that all was going well except for the all-night party that just wouldn't stop.

It was the last message the ship ever broadcasted. Which rather puzzled the warlords on Kargon Prime, who knew that the system said warship entered should have been destroyed by now. Or at least turned into a Kargon amusement park. But instead the ship just dissapeared into thin air. The Kargons, being curious about this, decided to send a ship to investigate the system. That ship also dissapeared without a trace. So the Kargons sent yet more ships to the system, and they too also dissapeared.

Finally after 200 Kargon warships dissapeared someone finally clued in that something was wrong with the system. That someone also reasoned that the system may have the technology to wipe the Kargons off the face of the universe or eliminate telemarketers. Both of which didn't sit well with the Kargons. And so in a momentous day the Kargon empire signed a peace treaty and ended decades of rather senseless war. Peace was at last achieved, and the Kargons celebrated by sending their entire fleet to fold, spindle, and mutilate that rather annoying system in another senseless war.

If only the Kargons knew what waited for them then perhaps they could have avoided one of the more senseless and stupid fates in the galaxy...

*****

*****

There are (were? will be?) two problems with being the guardian of time.

One of the problems was with birthday parties; nobody really knows how many candles to put on the cake. One time over 500 candles was placed on Setsuna's cake, which promptly lead to a visit from the local fire department. That, and Setsuna had the knack for receiving the same gifts over and over again. For example, during the party she had in 1975 she picked up a pair of platform shoes that she politely wore once and then tossed out, never to be worn again. But at her party in 1993 she received the exact same pair of platform shoes again - only this time she tossed them out immediately.

The second problem was a more annoying one, at least for Setsuna. It's the problem with vacations, in that every single vacation Setsuna ever had was interupted by some major disturbance in time and space. And thus Setsuna had to go and save time but miss the rather scrumptious buffet at the restaurant. Oh, sure, she could go back to the time she left and continue the vacation, but a vacation tended to lose its luster after you'd slain over 100 random monsters over 5 days of one's vacation.

All in all, this rather frustrated Setsuna, who was looking to have a perfectly normal vacation for once. But she really couldn't do that with all of this Guardian of Time stuff hanging over her head. What she needed was a temp, somebody to fill in for the role of Sailor Pluto while she had a nice 3 month vacation. No - make that 6 months...

Of course, most temp agencies didn't have any fill-in Senshi, and unlike the other Senshi she didn't have a replacement ready to step in and take over the family business.

Not that anyone would want to, for Sailor Pluto was always at the bottom of all the 'Which Senshi would you like to be?' poll held in Crystal Tokyo. Even Hotaru had been number one once in the poll, mostly because people thought her Glaive was rather 'froody,' as they put it. But nobody wanted to be the Guardian of Time, nobody wanted to guard the time gates or take care of the messy things like a time pardox or new dimensions popping up. They all thought it was rather boring, really, not as exciting as turning your average rubber suited monster into a pile of subautomic particles.

Yet Setsuna liked her job, liked it a lot. She enjoyed mucking around in time, enjoyed carrying around her time staff. And she enjoyed being mysterious and vague with people when she wanted something done, even if it was only picking up a litre of milk. She just wanted one thing... She wanted to have a vacation without being interrupted.

Which lead Setsuna to the University of Crystal Tokyo Library and Velodrome. There she began to look around for any bits of info on a successor for Sailor Pluto... someone who would take over the job like she did way back when. Her search turned up nothing in the library, and thus Setsuna left rather dejected.

That is until she walked into the Velodrome quite by accident. Sulking, she turned and saw a rather important piece of paper. In big Kana letters it said, 'Replacement Sailor Pluto: How to make one and ingredients required.'

A look of pure glee overtook Setsuna as she picked the paper up, causing the racing cyclists to run into each other. Setsuna quickly used her time key to dissapear as the enraged cyclists started to yell at her.

But Setsuna didn't care.

Thanks to a completly innocent accident Setsuna was able to find a way to go on her dream vacation. All she needed to do was find a replacment Sailor Pluto. And Setsuna already had an ideal person in mind...

*****

The discovery of the theory of accidents was itself an accident.

A pure stroke of luck really, as the Physics department of the University of Womponging was known for many things except excellence in science. The fact that it shared a building with the department of Gelatin and Jam was one of the major clues that the physics department was not all up to snuff.

But it discovered, quite by accident, the Theory of Accidents.

The Theory of Accidents states that everything in the universe happens by accident. The falling of the apple on Newton's head was an accident, the fact that life exists on Zolar Zeta was an accident. The fact that a lonely atom collides with another lonely atom to create an molecule was also an accident. Simply stated, the theory of accidents states that there is no order to the universe. Everything happens purely by accident in the universe.

Needless to say, students loved this theory, saving minutes of valuable test time by answering every question with 'It happened by accident.' The people who wrote and made all of the laws of the universe, however, scoffed at the theory. They stated that everything followed an order, and the apple fell because of gravity and not just by some cosmic accident (though they did concide that life on Zolar Zeta was an accident...).

However the Laws of the Universe theory lost all of its popular support when, quite by accident, all of the supporters of this theory spontenously combusted at the last Universal Physics council meeting.

And so by yet another accident, the Theory of Accidents became the Theory by which the Universe worked on.

*****

There weren't many skills needed to be a restuarant critic, especially if you were a critic for the 'Galatic Cuisine Guide and Coster' publication. All one really needed was a simple vocabulary and a love of food.

Ford Perfect had the simple vocabulary, but he didn't have the love of food. In fact one could write down his entire list of favorite foods on the front of your average resturant napkin. Still, for some weird reason Ford Perfect was able to get a job at the Galatic Cuisine Guide and Coster, and was sent on what was thought to be one of the worst assignments in the Galaxy.

Thought to be the worst, until it was found out that the Earth possessed the cheapest prices in the galaxy on Qwatlon Polock. In fact, the price was so cheap that Ford was able to eat it every night and even got a toy with it. It was the best Qwatlon Polock in the Galaxy, though Ford preferred to call it by its Earth name. The 'Happy Meal.'

It made Ford very Happy indeed, so happy that he was able to keep his job despite his gross incompetence in it.

Always making sure to mention the joys of the local Happy Meal (which he made sure to mention was available almost everywhere), he almost singlehandly put down every other single dish in the world.

In England, for example, he called fish and chips 'The most cruel thing in the world to do. Not to the fish, but to the eater who has to eat the vile thing.' Or in China where he aptly called a stir fry 'A novel way to eat fried food, except that having your fried chicken go in circles as you eat still doesn't improve the taste of the dish.'

It goes without saying that Ford was very incomptent at his job. Yet he still kept at it, perhaps because his expense account was the lowest of all the staff. Or perhaps because he kept on plugging the Happy Meal, which managed to make everyone very happy.

At the moment Ford was working on a write-up on Sushi, and was slowly pondering on a way to write up the dish of raw fish without making the process of eating a still fresh and whole fish sound too disgusting. Flying off to Japan to do his research, one of the first things he commented on was the relative high price of the Happy Meals.

He also made sure not to visit any Sushi resturant in case he had to eat a whole Salmon with a side dish of rice. That was not on his list of things to do in Japan, a list which consisted of eating a Happy Meal at every McDonald's and rating them and pretty much nothing else beyond looking at the neon signs.

He was working on said review when he decided to check on the local scanner. A small blip flashed on it and a big smile hit his face. It wasn't often that a ship came past here and Ford hoped to use it to travel home. Because while Happy Meals were all good and such, nothing could beat Mom's home-cooking. Pity it didn't come with a toy.

Besides, Ford wanted a vacation. A long vacation....

A second blip flashed across the scanner...

Followed by another.

And another.

And still yet another...

All in all about 1000 blips flashed across the screen - each one hovering in orbit around Pluto. A small chill went down Ford's spine.

He wasn't going to be able to hitch a ride home with these guys...

****

Osaka Naru was having a bad day.
Not just any bad day, mind you, but one of those once-in-a-lifetime bad days that everyone has. Oh, sure, one could argue that Naru could have seen worse days, and that she should look on the bright side of things.

But then it was hard to find the bright side of having two plantlike objects sticking out of the shoulder of the man you loved. Or three rather insane monsters laughing at you as you tried to remove said floral objects from the man.

Still, Naru was slowly pulling them out, much to the suprise of the monsters. Maybe things would work out... maybe, just maybe they could go have some parfait like they had planned. And live happily ever after...

Of course, this being a bad day things didn't work out as planned. The three youma let loose an attack at Naru and Nephrite bravely took it for her.
Or was going to take it for her.

The attack never did hit him; it just hung slowly in the air. Naru looked on puzzled as both the attack and Nephrite remained frozen. In fact, everything remained frozen. Everthying except her and a girl in a sailor fuku.

No, not a girl. She looked more like a young woman than a girl, and it wasn't a Senshi she had ever seen before since none of the them had long, green-tinted hair or a staff. Still, if this one could help her...

"Hello, Naru-chan."
"Please, help him... you must!"
"I can't."
Naru blinked. A Senshi, refusing to help someone? Wasn't it their job to help people? "But..."
"I'm afraid I can't help him. It's against my duty."
"But he needs help... And I can't help him!!" Naru became even more panicked, looking at just how close the attack was to hitting the person she loved.

"There is a way."
"How?"
"I can give you Senshi powers," the lips of the Senshi took on a bit of a smile as finished the statement.
"Really...? But..." Naru looked at Nephrite, eyes full of care for her. She needed to do something to repay that look. Needed to do something to save him. "I'll do it. What do I do?"

"Just grab the end of this staff..."
A small pale glow came from the staff as Naru touched it, the glow slowly surrounding her. Her clothes began to dissapear, to be replaced by the outfit the mysterious Senshi was wearing. And in her hands rested an exact copy of the other's staff.
A small smile came across her face; she had the power to stop this. She could save Nephrite. She could do... Could do...

The smile qucikly turned into frown as Naru-Pluto quickly wapped Setsuna-Pluto in the head with her staff. "ARGH!!! I can't save him because it will muck up the time stream!!!!"

"Well I never said you could," Setsuna-Pluto added, carefully placing a good distance between herself and her new apprentice. "I just said I'd give you Senshi powers."

"Sod off!" Naru-Pluto added, mentally running through a host of devious tricks to play on Setsuna.

And if it wasn't clinched before, it was clinched now. This was the absloute worst day of her life. Period....

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