An Eating Guide to the Silver Millenium, Part 2: Depression Fried Chicken with a side of sucidal Cole Slaw (by Richard Beaubien)

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Again, this is not spell checked, grammar checked or Insanity checked.
However a full eye exam was performed before the writing of this fic so you can rest assured I have perfect vision...

An Eating Guide to the Silver Millenium, Part 2: Depression Fried Chicken with a side of sucidal Cole Slaw

By Richard Beaubien

The air stunk of cigar and cigarette smoke and ethanol fumes. The walls where a pale yellow colour from the tobacco and was sparsely decorated with random sports and beer pictures. And in the corner was a pool table which was at the moment being used for a wrestling ring instead of for pool.

Not a high class bar mind you, but surroundings never really mattered when one wanted to get drunk. All that mattered was the alcohol; Taste, smell, and even a clean glass where all secondary.

Not that Ford Prefect wanted to drink from a brown glass which was last cleaned when the establishment first opened up. But the overwhelming urge to get drunk over ruled his sensibilities about sanitary safety and he kept slamming the drinks down one after one, Beer after Beer, Sake after Sake, and Skullong Skuzim after Skullong Skuzim.

Besides he really didn't choose to drink at this bar, he just woke up here. Woke up here without any memories of who he was and what he did beyond 3 little clues, his name, a picture of a planet called earth, and a little black computer like object which had Don't Panic written on it in Big reassuring letters. It helped calm Ford down, before he began feeling the sudden sense of Deja Vu that began to overpower him.

He felt he had done this before, somewhere and in some other time. But Ford Prefect could swear that sometime in the past he woke up in a completely different bar experiencing the exact same situation he was in right now.

This caused Ford to panic no matter what the big letters on the guide said. Waking up in the middle of the bar with no memory was not a common pastime for most people, Ford thought though he couldn't be sure with no memory to rely on. After all some people are just wonky enough to try anything for a good time.

Thus Ford began to drink, drink a lot really. In fact he drank enough to knock out the average Mysuptlim Bunger Beast, which is a huge quantity of alcohol in it's own right (Considering the Bunger Beast can handle the human equivalent of about 5 Kegs before it begins to get a bit woozy. Scientist have theorized that this is because of the high alcohol content of the lake's they drink from while others have reasoned that this is the highest form of evolution for the average college frat boy). But Ford was still awake (though horribly drunk) and was alert.

At last he could look at the solution to his problem clearly. After all his problem was waking up in the middle of a strange bar with no memory. Which must of meant that he really threw down the hard liquor at another bar in the past. It was a perfectly reasonable answer to his problem...

Except for the fact that his drinks where all paid for, and the fact that the picture of the planet Earth bothered him a lot. Actually a lot of things bothered him, but they where all quicksilver thoughts. Hard to catch and to hold on to. Only one idea came to him easily, and he finally gave into it after finishing off a Rum and Coke.

Slowly, and quite wobbly, Ford typed in the planet Earth into the Computer like object. After a few seconds one sentence popped up on the screen. It read

That struck Ford as wrong, dreadfully wrong. It just didn't add up to something kosher. So Ford sat down to another drink and began to slowly ponder the weight of the statement that stood before him.

It was then that the doors of the bar where blown open. "No, not them!!!" The bartender cried as he ducked for cover. Other patrons did the same, all running to hide from the invaders and their rather large gun's.

"Run you fool!!It's the Pglath Militia front!!" The Bartender screamed as from his hiding place, not wanting to clean up the remains of a foolish customer. "The Pglath are the most ruthless killers in the galaxy!!!"

"Huh," Ford said as he turned around, slowly looking at the bar room invaders. "Those aren't Pglath. Those are...Those are." Ford froze, at last he knew why he lost his memory, who the would be attackers where, and what the Planet earth and the little black computer where all about. He knew everything, and everything he needed to know to stop the Insanity.

It was then that the rather large reptilian creature leveled his Kill-O-Matic gun at Ford, and squeezed the trigger. A bright blast of light impacted into Ford, throwing him off the stool and into the wall behind him. And as blackness slowly surrounded him, Ford could faintly hear one of his killers say, "What a shame, and I was hoping he would be able to listen to my poetry."

Richard Beaubien Presents

A Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon/Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy Crossover

An Eating Guide to the Silver Millennium Part 2: Depression Fried Chicken with a side of Suicidal Cole Slaw

First off the author swears that at no point in this fic will the Generals from the Dark Kingdom come back to life. And that most definitely includes Jadeite, despite the pressure his agent is giving to the author.

Secondly the author swears that at no point in time will he use the Senshi of Earth and the Sun in this fic. No Sailor Earth, Terra, or Ground will be used along with Sailor Sun, Sailor Sol, or Sailor Burning Yellow thing in the sky.

The author assures you ahead of time that these devices will not be used during the fic. And it's a 100 percent, iron clad, trust worthy promise from the author. And you can trust him...

However the author doesn't promise that he won't be introducing any new Senshi named after a particular element or mineral or obscure body of matter. The author also doesn't promise that he won't be adding any new male side kicks to recite poetry before the heroines fight.

In fact the author plans to introduce a new Senshi right now, and it's a rather special one at that.

For she is the only guardian of the planet Mquishikana Cephiro, and she defends it with honor and courage.

Though she's better known as Sailor Puu by her friends and coworkers. She is called that for one simple reason.

"Puu!!!" Sailor Puu cried as she looked up into the skies, desperately trying to point an incoming danger to her 3 traveling companions.

"I get it!!" The blue haired young lady exclaimed, whacking her head. "Sailor Puu wants us to look at that shooting star!!!"

"PUU!!!" the Senshi yelled in frustration as the three young girls yelled wai and sugoi in a cute fashion. Sighing, the young Senshi turned to look into the sky as the shooting star got closer to the planet. Too close in fact.

And as the meteor crashed down Sailor Puu couldn't be blamed if she thought that this was all too over used plot for a disaster movie. The planet's defenders acting oblivious to the danger that threatens their plant until it's too late.

"Thank you all!!" the captain of the Kargon war ship beamed as he finished the final preparations of his battleship. It had been so long since he last went to war that he wanted to savor every minute of the conflict. The senseless destruction, the cries for help, and the most important thing of all....

Standing around in a multi billion dollar piece of high technology in a Snazzy white uniform.

It was all just too froody for the captain thought as he read the destruction report of the planet just destroyed. That certainly made for a good traveling aid, though he did want to go the extra mile to taunt the populace with his power and great hair cut.

But that would have to wait, they had another system to over run. One that had withstood an earlier Kargon invasion. One that would be the perfect place to make his debut to the universe.

The Pan Galactic Encyclopedia describes Time Guardians as people that ensure that safety of the time stream for the universe. It goes on to say that the job they do is important and that we must be thankful for the job they do for us.

The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy also has a section on Time Guardians, though it is vastly different from the one in the Encyclopedia. It states first of that if you ever meet a time guardian that under no circumstance should you ever make a deal with her and that it would be best all around to run away from them. It describes them as manipulative, cruel, and that they would have no problem using and abusing your life for their master plan. Be it world peace or a roasted turkey on a Sunday afternoon.

It also states to never watch a movie with a Time Guardian for fear of having the ending spoiled, though it does say that taking a time guardian to the track can be a most profitable experience if you play your cards right.

It's no wonder then that Guide out sells the Encyclopedia 10:1 in most places in the known universe.

Osaka Naru would of probably wished she had a guide before she made her deal with Setsuna. Though since she didn't know it existed before hand chances are she wouldn't have made that wish. Still any warning that could of been made to stop her from making a deal with the guardian of time would of been most welcome. It would of stopped her from making the worst mistake of her life.

The one where she except Senshi powers, thinking she could fight back and save the one she loved. But instead she had to sit back and watch it happen as Usagi could do nothing to save her. Or so she thought, it wouldn't of surprised her if her 'Sensei' had slowed Usagi down on purpose. Just so Nephrite could die, just so she could have her precious temp.

The Younger Sailor Pluto deepened her scowl, she knew that even Setsuna wouldn't do something like that. But she liked to think of it that way, especially since it was easier to hate a person if you made them out to be a complete monster.

"Moshi Moshi Minna-san!!! And Welcome to 'So your a Mahou no Shoujo now'!!!" This was phase 2 of Setsuna's evil plan, an infomerical designed to introduce new magical girls to the life style that they would soon lead. Naru hated it from the get go, planning to vist the overly perky host in the future and causing her pink hair to turn in a rather putrid purple colour.

"It's not that bad Naru-san!!!" Setsuna said as she finished packing her things. "I mean it's only a 30 minute video, followed by the 20 minute time guardian one and the 200 page book."

"I've seen worse Naru-san. People that make evil itself cringe," Setsuna shivered as she walked into the room wearing a nice sun dress with a red straw hat on top. And to top off the completely odd look for Setsuna was the hint of red lipstick that surrounded her smiling mouth. "What do you think?"

"Your being negative again!!!" Setsuna lectured as she headed towards the door, "Remember it's only for a couple of months and the job isn't that bad. I'm sure you'll enjoy it!!!"

"I'd rather have my teeth pulled out with no anesthetic" Naru replied as the host made the audience jump down and up yelling 'Go, Go, jump!!!'. "There should be a law against overly cute and hyper active people!!!"

"Well I suppose I could always make a new tape, but it's a little too late for you," Setsuna giggled as she dodged the pillow thrown at her. "Okay, I get it. Anyway you have the run of the place until I get back. Here's a credit card in case you need to get anything. And try to keep time in check little sister."

"Sister, ha!!" Naru scoffed as she walked over to the kitchen table picking up the credit card. "I wonder what kind of limit she has..."

A devious thought entered her mind, a way to repay her 'sister' back for her kindness. And as she saw the taxi speed away from the house Naru smiled for the first time since she became the Senshi of time.

"Hello, Kazuya Electronics. I'd like a big screen TV delivered please. Yes, can you charge it to a credit card please. Oh, and make it top of the line."

The great Tokyo Tower, the one place where all school children are required by law to visit. Tokyo Tower, a structure which can never be completely destroyed in any anime or rubber monster movie. And Tokyo Tower, an overused plot device for any story.

For this one, it serves as a communications tower for a long distance intergalactic message. A message from Ford Perfect, a message that screams "Come and Pick me up before the planet dies dang it!!!" and broadcasts the coordinates of earth's exact location. And the exact location of Tokyo Tower making it easy for Ford to be picked up by any alien ship in the vicinity.

It also meant that the invaders had a nice homing beacon to the planet Earth to follow, and that they could start the invasion earlier than planned.

But Ford didn't think of that, instead he worried about what to write in his latest food review. The dish this time, Rice Balls with a can of coke and a pork bun. It all look sorta of delicious, except for one small thing...

And thus tossing away the dish before he even tried it, Ford went to pick up yet another happy meal for him to eat. Perhaps maybe 2, one to give to his savior when the pick him up.

"Tadaimia!!!" Tomoe Hotaru greeted as she entered her home. "Setsuna-mama, Are you home?" The Sensei of Saturn had a feeling of dread pass over her as she walked into the living room. Something was up and she knew it, and it was...it was..

A 32 inch High Definition TV with digital surround sound. "Sugoi!!!" Hotaru exclaimed as she gazed at the TV, dreaming of what she could watch on it. News, Documentary's, Educational shows, and that anime with the hunky leading man. "Yuu-sama..." Hotaru whispered as she drifted off into a fantasy land.

"Ohayoo Hotaru-chan, how's your day," Naru greeted from behind the Stereo system. "Mou, the instructions make it look so easy to set up."

"Temporary Senshi?" Hotaru asked, her curiosity getting the better of her. She wondered when the Senshi could ever make temp replacements, let alone the guardian of time. After all you can't really pick those out of a newspaper. "But how? Why?"

"I don't know why all I know is I can turn into Pluto just by yelling 'Pluto Planet Power Make Up'".

One transformation scene later (one which we would of shown if the VCR wasn't broken. We have punished the person responsible and we do note that no such errors will happen in the future. We promise) Naru stood in front of Hotaru dressed as Sailor Pluto, Time staff and all.

"Wow, I guess you are Sailor Pluto then," Hotaru said in awe, half wondering if she could find her own temp. <>"I think it only works for Pluto, since she does haven't a protege in the future to work with." Naru replied turning back into her normal form and starting back to work on her stereo. "Geez, I swear they make these instructions impossible to follow!!!"

"Weird...Man you might just be a time guardian after all!!" Hotaru laughed before she caught the sharp look that Naru sent her way. "Ah...Of course, where did you get the TV from though Naru-neesan?" Hotaru asked in a brilliant topic change (which the Russian judge gave a 6.5 for).

"I used Setsuna's credit card to buy it. She left it here for me to use." Naru beamed imagining all the stuff she would buy. The new PC, the new clothes, the new Italian Sports car.

"Really!" Naru nodded as she finally ripped up the instruction books. She'd have to pay a visit to factory one of these day's to see how they themselves put these things together.

The Guide notes that Instruction book does everything but help you assemble what the instructions is telling you to assemble. For example instructions make wonderful coasters and bird cage lining, and make wonderful kindling. But they do not, no matter what the reason is, make assembling the product the instructions are fore easy.

One theory for this is that their is a law against accurate instructions in the galactic business sector. This theory states that the company misleads people in order to charge ridiculous assembly costs or cause the person to buy another product all together.

Another theory states that the people writing the instructions have an IQ less than the average bed mattress (actually the Bed mattress's are quite a bit smarter than the people that write instruction books). A more popular version of this theory is that the entire business industry is stupid in the first place and it's a plain miracle they get anything right at all.

However other people believe that instruction books are part of a secret message meant to warn the universe of an upcoming disaster. And they go onto predict that this disaster will happen when screw A is placed into slot B and tightened with nut D.

It was an upper class restaurant, one of the best in the district. And Hotaru had wanted to eat there for ages. To eat their pasta, to drink their wine, and most of all to dress up in nice clothes.

All of the things she couldn't get at the fast food places Michiru and Haruka had managed to take her when they went out to eat. And while KFC may have been good the first time, after awhile machine separated chicken does begin to lose it's appeal.

Which is why she was glad Naru took her here, to a nice ritzy restaurant. With good food, good service and most importantly of all good sake.

"Ah...This is some good Sake!!" Naru exclaimed as she downed another glass. "What do you think of it Hotaru-chan!!!"

"It's...It's unique," Hotaru added, noting that she didn't really take to Sake that well. Still she did have a nice bottle of White Wine to drink, and it did have a full body flavor to it. "I'll just drink my wine thank you."

"Ah spoil sport," Naru cried as he face turned a beat red, making a second important discovery of the day. The one where she found out that she did not make a good drunk. "Ah...Sake-sama!!!"

"Whatever, let's just move to our table okay?" Hotaru asked as she started to lead Naru over. After all she didn't want the staff to get suspicious at 2 under age girls drinking up a storm.

"Don't worry, I managed to convince them where both 26. That way the Sake will be flowing all night." Naru hicuped, perhaps finding the first advantage to being a time guardian. Beyond the Credit Card advantage that is....

"Wow, this planet servers alcohol to under age school girls." A voice from behind them asked, causing Naru to turn around in panic. No one should be able to see through this disguise, least of all someone who is drunk.

"Nahh, I can tell your both under age. Don't ask me how but I can tell..." the man replied as he downed yet another glass, his 30th of the evening Naru noted.

And something else bothered her about this guy, a feeling she had. That he may be involved something big, something involving the time stream.

"Who are you, and what do you want?" Naru asked, very much sound like a time guardian. Even Hotaru was amazed at just how much Naru sounded like Setsuna. She was also very sober suddenly..

But those thoughts where stopped by a loud explosion at the front door. As the smoke cleared two rather large reptile figures stood in the door with rather big gun's. Naru and Hotaru both nodded to each other as they grabbed for their transformation wands.

They knew what it was they where facing and how to do deal with it. It was after all your everyday...

"Vogon's...Not them again!!" The man exclaimed as the two beings leveled their gun's at him. "Not bloody again!!!" He yelled as he saw them pull the trigger on the Kill-O-Matic gun's, ready to send a white hot projectile death his way.