Javert's Guide to the Galaxy: Part 2

by Erin Vork

By a startling coincidence, ‘none at all,’ is exactly how much of an idea Javert had that one of his closest ‘friends’ was not from Earth at all, but in fact from a small planet, somewhere in the vacinity of Betealguse.

This ‘friend’ was Ford Prefect. Ford had arrived on the Earth at this particular place and time due to a complicated turn of events involving a third rate tour guide, a few misplaced numbers, and a timemachine. But, as in his opinion, a few years would make little difference in anyplace as backwards as the Earth, he went ahead with his visit.

Ford, due to his extremely abnormal nature, had made little more than a few passing acquaintances during his stay, except for Javert. Javert and Ford had been introduced many years ago in an incident that Ford was anxious to forget, and which seemed to be the only thing Javert ever could remember. After the first ‘unpleasentries’ of their meeting had been concluded, Ford had been struck by how uncharacteristically odd Javert was. On closer inspection, such as Javert had tried to terminate, Ford began to wonder if Javert was, in fact, from Earth at all. Ford would be willing to bet that he was not. Some eccentricities simply could not originate other than in a foreign solar system.

Ford strode easily across the lawn, not batting an eyelash at the mattresses, tables, and other various household furnishings that where lying perfectly innocently on Javert’s lawn. “Hello Javert,” he said, “Are you busy?”

Javert simply gazed up at Ford with an extremely incredulous look. “I beg your pardon?” he gaped. “Do you not see these extremely foolish students? Do you not see that they are trying to build a barricade through my home? Do you not see that I have to stay here and make sure they don’t? And you ask if I’m busy?”

“Yes, but can’t we leave that for the moment? This is important,” Ford replied, growing agitated. Javert could not even respond. The sheer brazen disregard this man was showing was simply more than he could comprehend at the moment.

“Ford,” he finally said, very slowly, for he seemed to feel that such a speech pattern was necessary around this man, “have you taken leave of your senses? I can’t very well leave my home in the hands of these maniacal students, they will destroy.”

With an exceedingly exasperated manor, Ford sighed. “If I can, remedy, this problem, will you grant me a few moments of your precious time? Yes? Well, all right, is this their leader?” Without apparently noticing that Javert had given no acknowledgment to his question, Ford strode across the lawn and up to Enjorlas.

“Excuse me, sir?” Ford asked, wandering up to Enjorlas, who instantly took an instinctive step back. Ford, who was used to this response, carried on regardless. “May I ask you a question?” and, as was his habit, sailed on without waiting for a response, “I would like to get something straight here. You wish to protest your government, and that’s why you’re building this barricade, correct?”

Enjolras regarded him suspiciously. “Yeeessssss,” he said, raising one eyebrow warily.

“Good, yes, and obviously, you can’t since this man is lying in your way,” Ford continued, apparently oblivious to the fact that he was not making any sense at all, “Is that also correct?”

Enjolras’s irritation at the mention of this fact was evident, and the look he shot in Javert’s direction, went a long way towards expressing this. “Yes, you could say that,” he said through clenched teeth.

“Well,” Ford continued, very brightly as he worked his way through his plan. He rarely knew what he was going to say when he opened his mouth, but had learned simply to trust it’s judgment. “He works for the government, why not protest his protest?”

Enjolras was rather afraid that this conversation was not making a lot of sense, and hoped that the problem wasn’t on his end. “I’m afraid I don’t follow you monsieur...”

“Ah, well, come on now, you’re a clever lad, I’m sure you could think of something, a picket line or something. Far less bloodshed than this barricade idea of yours, and you could get your point across just as well.” Ford favored Enjolras with one of his far-too-big-and-cheerful smiles. Enjolras, quite understandably, found it quite disconcerting and unnatural.

“Look, monsieur, I don’t know who you are, but you could not possibly understand the importance of this barricade and what it represents,” Enjolras answered, folding his arms across his chest.

Ford sighed the sigh of a man who could not believe he was having to explain what he was. “Look, I’m sure your and intelligent, level-headed chap, why don’t you at least give it a try?”

Enjolras, who had realized by now that this man was not going to be swayed, and that this conversation was wasting valuable revolution time, decided to favor this rather eccentric individual, sighed softly. “Very well, monsieur, what would you have me do?”

“Ah, well, that’s really up to you, then isn’t it? I mean, you’re there leader, so get in there and lead. Just act like you have perfect confidence in what you’re doing, and they’ll all follow you like Tyrillian mega-sheep!” Ford began moving towards Javert and picking him up.

“Wait now,” Enjolras said, walking over to Ford and Javert. “Just how am I supposed to protest him if he’s not even here?”

Ford released his grip on Javert, causing the, by this time, extremely confused Inspector to fall backwards in the mud again. “Ah, well, I suppose you have a point there, don’t you?” Ford mentally groped around for a moment, and then lit up with inspiration. “But,” he triumphantly pointed out, “This government you’re protesting isn’t here, is it? You have a representative of the government to protest, correct?”

Enjolras nodded. He had long since given up trying to understand this conversation, and was simply attempting to leave it in one piece.

“Good,” Ford continued at a hectic pace, his words rapidly becoming indistinguishable, “so, if you’re satisfied with protesting a representative of the government, why can’t you protest a representative of a representative?” He flashed another alarmingly hopeful smile at Enjolras.

Enjolras’s astonishment at this twist was quite noticeable, but before he could react, Ford had strode across the yard and grabbed a man who could easily, from his demeanor, have already downed 3 Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters, pulled him over and dropped him in the mud next to Javert. “There you are,” Ford stated, “Protest him, as an honorable representative of a representative.” And before Enjolras could utter another word, Ford had hauled Javert up to his feet and was pulling him away down the street.

Javert turned his head to eye Ford curiously. “Ford,” he began, “Where on Earth did you get all that nonsense about ‘representing a representative?’ I don’t believe I’ve ever heard of anything of the kind.”

“You’ve never tried to file a small-claims court on Atleria IV. You go in thinking you’re going to talk to the president, and eventually, after a lot of, ‘Oh, I’m sorry, the president can’t speak to you at this time, a representative will be in shortly,’ and ‘Oh, do forgive the inconvenience, the representative you were scheduled to meet with has just phoned to say he can’t make it. A second representative will be in shortly,’ and the like, their representatives have been replaced so many times that you end up talking to some guy named Fred who has been living across the hall from you in your apartment complex for the last nine months, and knows nothing about this company, let alone why you’re complaining, as they just pulled him in off the street for the occasion. It gets rather trying actually,” Ford stopped for a moment, and glance nervously at his watch. “Good, we’ve got a few minutes. Come on, I feel the need to celebrate.”

“And what, may I ask, do we need to celebrate?” Javert asked, nervously.

Ford grinned. “The end of the Earth.”

Go on to part 3

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