Javert's Guide to the Galaxy: Part 3

by Erin Vork

“Six glasses of Argentuile, and quickly please, the worlds about to end,” Ford said cheerfully, as he and Javert swept into the inn.

The innkeeper was a pleasant man, and not accustomed to such shocks to the system as this illicited. However, whatever surprise he received from Ford’s statement was quickly outdone by the sight of the Inspector standing before him in his current attire.

“Monsieur?” the innkeeper managed to stammer out, his gaze shifting back and forth between Javert and Ford. “I, I beg your pardon?”

“Look,” said Ford briskly, “I just explained it. The world’s about to end. In about 5 minutes. Here,” he said, taking off his watch and handing it to him, “you can time it yourself, I don’t have anymore need of it. I just would like six glasses of Argentuile, now, before that happens. Oh, and a few packs of peanuts.”

The innkeeper glanced at Javert as if for confirmation of what he had just been told and received merely a shrug. With the demeanor of a man who is trying to convince himself that he did not just see a parakeet riding down the street on a tortoise, he moved to fill Ford’s order.

A few moments later, Ford and Javert were sitting at a small table with their six glasses of Argentuile and packs of peanuts. “Ford,” Javert hissed, “What is all this? Would it be too much to ask of you to explain yourself? If you’ve simply dragged me out here for a ‘row with the boys’ I’d appreciate it if you would tell me so I could leave. I have important business to take care of today. Not the least of which is my house!”

“Forget the house,” Ford said, setting his already half drained glass down on the table. “Forget today. Nothing that happens here matters anymore. Let them build the bloody barricade. Let them obstruct all of Paris for all the good it will do them. They’ll all be dead shortly.”

“Well I agree with you on that,” Javert said, irritably glancing out the window, “but if it’s all the same to you, I’d rather not lose my home in the bargain!”

“Drink,” said Ford, and then went about heeding his own advice.

“No thank you,” said Javert disdainfully, pushing the nearest glass away. “I’m not in the mood.”

“Perhaps not now, but when you hear what I’m about to tell you, you’re going to wish that you’d had those drinks. Now, bottoms up!” he grabbed a glass and thrust it in Javert’s face. Reluctantly, Javert took it and sipped.

Ford seemed to realize that this was about as good a response as he was likely to get from his friend at that moment. ‘All right,’ he thought, ‘I warned him. There’s more then one way to make a man drink...’

Leveling his gaze on Javert, Ford took a deep breath and began. “Javert, I have something very important to tell you. It is something of the utmost urgency, and it requires your full and immediate attention. Do you understand?”

Javert made a face. “I understand that those are not the first drinks you’ve had this morning,”

Ford sighed. “Fine, I tried to be tactful and diplomatic, but you asked for it. I’m going to tell you straight out. What would you say,” he paused, just to make absolutely sure that Javert was in fact paying attention, then continued, “if I told you, I’m not from Paris after all, but from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse?”

Javert did not respond right away, he simply looked at Ford and appeared to digest what he’d just been told. “I’d say,” he finally answered after a long pause, “that I was right in my earlier assumption. You are quite drunk.” He turned his head again to look out the window.

“Javert, would you please...” he didn’t get any further, for a cry erupted from Javert’s throat.

“Damnation! Those students are demolishing my home! There, there’s, it’s, a mattress sticking out of my window!” if he continued speaking, it was lost as he ran out the door and up the hill to his house.

Ford watched him for a moment, then sighed. He looked down at his watch, only to find it not there. Sighing again, he drained his glass and started out after Javert.

Javert stood out a few feet away from his home. And a sorry sight it was. Aside from the mattress in the window, tables and chairs where propping the door open at an unnatural angle, and he could see what looked suspiciously like an extremely decorative cabinet sticking out of his chimney.

“Stop! Stop you fatuous revolutionaries!” Javert yelled, striding across the lawn. “You psychotic anarchists! What do you think you’re doing? You’ll all be killed! Every one of you will be shot! And those of you how weren’t shot, you’ll...you’ll...ah, you’ll wish you were! They’ll do something so indescribably hideous to you,” Javert fumed, “that I, I, don’t even want to think about it!”

“Javert,” Ford said, calmly, “give it up. It doesn’t matter. What you really should be worrying about,” he said, pointing vaguely upward, “is...” he never finished.

“Yes it does! Those incorrigible anarcho-syndicalists are destroying my home!” he started running again. “I’m telling you to stop now! Believe me, I can make what life you may have after this insurrection very, very terrible for you, if I should so choose, and right now, nothing would,” his foot hit a slippery patch on the ground, and landed flat on his back, thus interrupting his train of thought.

“What the HELL’S THAT?” he screamed, jabbing a finger at the object hanging in the sky that Ford had been trying to point out.

A voice suddenly boomed out across the land. “People of Earth, your attention please. In the event that you are not aware of the changes of the galactic empire, allow me to enlighten you,” the voice took on a slightly far away and slightly lecturing tone, “The galaxy is changing. The government has become corrupted. But that will end shortly. We intend to make an example here. Unfortunately, the coordinates which have been determined to be most to our tactical advantage, are those of your planet, and, regrettably, will have to be destroyed to make way from our trans-spacial barricade. Please except our deepest apologies.”

Javert just lay there and gaped for a moment. “I didn’t just hear that...”

Ford came up next to him. “Yes, I’m afraid you did. Grab on to this, please,” he said, proffering a small black cylinder to him. Javert complied.

There suddenly came a terrible, Earth shattering explosion that coincided with a flash of light and a rather nauseating sensation as all reality melted away.

Go on to part 4

Contact the author:nudge@lkdllink.net