Adoration, Part 11
Juri’s classes went by in a daze, she was still mostly thinking about the situation from the night before and the duel that awaited her in the afternoon. She wasn’t frightened of his skill so much – he was much to rash and moved by his emotions to be any good in a duel – but he was a madman who would do anything in the Arena, even kill if he were enraged enough. And that unpredictability made him more terrifying than any of the others.
The Bride would have to be cared for as well, at least Juri should check up on her before going to fencing practice. In some ways it might have been better to bring her along to keep an eye on her, but Juri didn’t think – at least she hoped – she would try it again. In that case it was much wiser to have her rest.
Letting herself in, Juri glanced over and was somewhat relieved to find the Bride where she left her, on the couch, her animal dozing next to her.
“Himemiya?” she asked quietly, perhaps it was best if she slept – but she seemed to have awakened when Juri entered no matter how quiet she had tried to be. The Bride attempted to sit up but Juri motioned her back down.
Sinking into a chair nearby, Juri began, “How are you feeling? The Council was rather exciting today…” why was she bothering with the small talk? “ Nanami resigned her position, I don’t suppose she’ll be dueling any longer. Saionji showed up for the first time in months and challenged me to duel.” Pausing, Juri looked at the Bride a moment. “He did say he would wait until you had recovered.” Sarcasim brushed her tone. “Generous of him. Let me know when you are up to it, I wouldn’t want to seem as though I am stalling. One more thing…” Opening a plain brown bag, Juri carefully pulled out a container with red dots wandering the inside. “I stopped by the greenhouse and picked up these… I know you dislike chemical insecticides, but I did want to do something about the aphids on Ruka’s roses.” She set the plastic container on the table between them, shoving them forward. “. These are ladybugs; they eat aphids. I thought you might prefer a natural solution to the problem.“ The roses could not continue to be prayed on so mercilessly, that was clear. Remembering how difficult it had been for Touga to convince her to spray the last time insects infected the roses, Juri decided something closer to nature would be more appealing to the mistress of the roses.
***
“Himemiya?” the voice invaded her dreams, granted they first were disturbed by the click of the door and ChuChu’s movement beneath her arm. What time was it then? Was it so late as all that? She realized that she felt much weaker then the first time she had woken up, due likely to the fact that she had exerted herself in cleaning. Still, she had to pay proper respect and she pushed herself up but Arisugawa waved her down and she easily, almost eagerly, obeyed.
She laid there, her head on one of the couch pillows, her green eyes focused on Juri’s lithe form as it sat gracefully in the chair, she seemed tired as well. “How are you feeling?” Juri asked, not quite waiting for her to say anything, continuing on. “The Council was rather exciting today…” Oh? That was new. She felt the desire to sleep and wondered what exactly it was that Juri wanted of her.
“Nanami resigned her position,” she continued. Did she? Anthy supposed that was a good thing then. The girl was innocent for the most part…not that she liked her all that much but still, what she had been subjected to was quite cruel, even by Anthy’s standards. “I don’t suppose she’ll be dueling any longer. Saionji showed up for the first time in months and challenged me to duel.” Anthy forced away any reaction. Saionji. Gods, if she had to go back to him…if she had to go back to him she might very well break her vow to Akio…Saionji…to live in that sort of fear…it never really hurt…but she never knew when he would go too far. But…she had survived worse hadn’t she? Saionji was nothing. What did it matter? Why was she being so weak? Certainly if he did anything to her Akio would retaliate…but that was never as reassuring as it seemed it should be.
“He did say he would wait until you had recovered.” Oh well wasn’t that kind… “Generous of him,” Juri said sarcastically, mimicking her thoughts. “Let me know when you are up to it, I wouldn’t want to seem as though I am stalling. One more thing…” Anthy resisted making a noise of complaint. ChuChu did it for her though, hopping onto the table, poking at the small paper bag.
“I stopped by the greenhouse and picked up these…” Anthy pushed herself up a little despite protest of her body and tried to get a better look. “I know you dislike chemical insecticides, but I did want to do something about the aphids on Ruka’s roses.” Juri pushed them closer to her and Anthy’s eyes widened a bit. “These are ladybugs, they eat aphids. I thought you might prefer a natural solution to the problem.”
Anthy studied Juri in momentary disbelief, sitting up a little and tracing the little container with her dark fingers. To release them in the garden…it would be more humane, if they were meant for death then it would find them, but if not then the aphids would thrive. She did not like unnatural things to touch her roses…though perhaps that was hypocritical of her. Certainly she wasn’t natural.
“Arigatou,” she said softly, leaning back, “I will take them to the garden then and hopefully they will be happy there.” ChuChu seemed pleased by them and Anthy smiled faintly as he examined the captive ladybugs. Certainly it was a surprise…that Juri would be so considerate in her methods of eliminating the aphids… “Arigatou,” she said again. “I’m feeling better,” she said, answering the earlier question, “Still just tired…my arm is a little stiff but it will be fine in a day or so…”
She looked away and was silent for a moment. “If you wish to duel today I can do it…I would not want to keep you or Saionji-sempaii waiting for a duel because of my own error, and I would not subject you to further pressure from the council.” She closed her eyes then opened them slowly, “I wanted to apologize again…what I did…I did not mean to cause you so much trouble…” she bowed her head and continued to keep her eyes averted, “Gomen nasaii.”
***
Juri watched as the Bride sat up slowly, seemingly mesmerized by the unpredictable movement of the ladybugs in their plastic cage. The Bride’s endless eyes flickered over to hers for an instant, disbelief written there a moment. Was it so unusual for the Victors to show any small kindness towards her that she was so genuinely surprised by this?
“Arigatou,” she whispered at last, her tone sincere for once instead of empty obedience. “I will take them to the garden then and hopefully they will be happy there.” Juri wasn’t so much concerned about the insects’ happiness but hoped instead they would do their job and clear out the aphids. The greenhouse worked assured her it was the best method if chemicals were out of the question. The Bride hated them, she knew that from the last time they tried to spray the garden. Chu chu..that was its name, wasn’t it? Was poking futilely at the plastic container, watching them wander the inside. Anthy smiled at her pet..friend..with more warmth than she bothered to expend on anything human. Not that Juri was one to talk…they weren’t so different in some ways. And still the darker girl seemed so alien still. How could she stand to suppress her will so?
“Arigatou. I’m feeling better. “Still just tired…” Juri nodded faintly, trying not to remember how much blood she had lost. Naturally she would be drained by that. “My arm is a little stiff but it will be fine in a day or so…”
Himemiya dropped her eyes and was the picture of the submissive Bride again. “If you wish to duel today I can do it…” But this was the role of the Bride speaking, Juri heard it in her dead tone. “I would not want to keep you or Saionji-sempaii waiting for a duel because of my own error, and I would not subject you to further pressure from the council.” Well it was too late to prevent that. They were already breathing down her neck. Further removing herself, the Bride closed her eyes a moment, opening them with hypnotic slowness. “I wanted to apologize again…what I did…I did not mean to cause you so much trouble…Gomen nasaii.”
Juri watched her a moment, hearing something that seemed like genuine remorse. It was so hard to tell with her, but she thought if the Bride were feigning it she should have no trouble meeting her eyes with that soulless stare of hers. And yet she looked away…ashamed? Perhaps. Obviously she was bluffing her way through normalcy, she was no where near ready to duel and yet she put up that act. What to do? On one hand it would look suspicious if she did not duel, Saionji would be more irrational and Touga would have another bout of questions for each day delayed. But on the other was it worth it to risk the Bride’s safety?
Coming to a decision, Juri shook her head. “No, I think Saionji can wait a day. Let him think I am afraid to face him if he wishes, I will disprove that soon enough and I won’t jeopardize your health further for his impatience.” Juri paused, as if surprised the words fell off of her lips. She continued brusquely, “ The Council will be more displeased with me if you don’t recover well, after all.”
“About last night…” she looked at the Bride a long moment, wishing perversely the girl would look at her instead of watching the ladybugs wander. “There’s not much sense in going over it again and again. It happened, and now the consequences have to be dealt with. Not much more to be done,” Juri said curtly, attempting to remain pragmatic and keep the resentment out of her tone. She hadn’t done this with her other Victors. Why her? Why did she get to be the lucky one, when she wasn’t even the worst of the Victors by far.
Sitting back as though this would give her a better perspective on the Bride, Juri continued, “None of we duelists can understand what it is hold the place of the Bride, to serve as a sheath for the Sword of Dios.” Juri was careful now to call it a role or a place and not directly label Anthy the Bride. For she wasn’t, not entirely. “I suppose we should not be so quick to judge you. I won’t ask you to duel until you feel ready.” It must hurt, to have the sword taken time after time by so many hands.
The Bride seemed to be listening but also seemed more absorbed in the wanderings of the insects. Abruptly Juri sat forward and closed them up in the bag. “You can take these to the garden tomorrow.” The Bride still wouldn’t meet her eyes, watching that Chu Chu thing play with the paper bag instead.
“You don’t look at me often, Himemiya,” Juri mused. “But last night when I reached for the knife..” Cold hatred, ice cold in the Bride’s eyes as the metal of the blade that would have slashed her Victor’s heart, so bitter it was nearly beyond feeling. “The look in your eyes…why did you hate me so much?” Himemiya…the Bride’s mask had not been swift enough to hide it all. “Do you?”
**
She hoped in part that Juri would not insist upon dueling that day. She had no choice but to offer herself, and she could do it if she had to, but she dreaded the draining feeling that would wash over her after creating the illusions, simply standing was difficult in her weariness. “No,” Juri said finally, “I think Saionji can wait a day,” she would have him wait an eternity if she could, “Let him think I am afraid to face him if he wishes, I will disprove that soon enough and I won’t jeopardize your health further for his impatience.” Anthy nodded, it was her choice then. The paid little mind to the last sentence though Juri seemed to notice it, continuing on, “The Council will be more displeased with me if you don’t recover well, after all.”
She nodded again. Of course. She continued to stare at the little bugs as they wandered about and ChuChu poked at them with his chubby finger, glancing at her occasionally. “About last night…” Juri began before a moderate silence settled over the room, “There’s not much sense in going over it again and again. It happened, and now the consequences have to be dealt with. Not much more to be done,” the coral haired woman said rationally. Yes, she was right Anthy thought. It was not worth dwelling on…she would not bring it up again. She was still surprised by the little insects, but how much of it was Juri’s wanting to just protect Ruka’s roses? This would just ensure that the job would be done. Still…she had sought to do it by better methods, unlike Touga.
“None of we duelists can understand what it is hold the place of the Bride, to serve as a sheath for the Sword of Dios.” Anthy cringed internally. No, none of them did, nor could they ever know. She wondered if this was an attempt of the duelists to get to know her better. It seemed to happen at least once in the duels. Gods forbid the duelists gain a sense of conscience. “I suppose we should not be so quick to judge you. I won’t ask you to duel until you feel ready.”
Anthy only nodded again, silently cursing herself for being weak enough to reveal emotions, she had to shut those away, they only made it harder to continue to do this. With her emotions gone, and in the bride state, she could do so much better. She startled a bit as Juri suddenly put the ladybugs away, as if frustrated, but Anthy still did not look at her. “You can take these to the garden tomorrow.” Juri said.
Another pause and Anthy merely watched Chuchu now. She did not trust herself to look at Juri, nor did she want to see any expressions of pity or attempts of understanding in her eyes. “You don’t look at me often, Himemiya, but last night when I reached for the knife...”
Anthy drew further into herself. When Juri had tried to take the knife, she had felt such hatred, and she had seen that…She felt shamed that her victor had seen that part of her, that anyone would, but she was consumed by it all the same. It invaded her body and soul, attracted itself to her and she felt it, hated the world…because of what they tried to do…
“The look in your eyes…why did you hate me so much? Do you?”
Anthy continued to keep her eyes averted, though now she did not look at anything, “I thought you were somethi- someone else,” she said softly, “the hatred was not for you, gomen. I feel nothing towards you, or the other duelists.” No sense saying that she did not feel hatred once Juri had called her on it. She shifted on the couch and hazarded a glance up at her victor before looking away again. “Thank you for considering my well being, but it is not necessary. I should be able to do it tomorrow, Saionji-sempaii can wait that long.”
She was silent then finally after a long moment she turned her eyes to Juri, looking into the cool green depths. “You said that none of the duelists can understand what it is like for me to do this…please do not continue in that direction of thinking. I am the Rose Bride,” she said this with conviction, for both Juri and herself. She had to filter out what Utena had told her and almost convinced her of. It was foolish all of it. She was the Rose Bride, nothing else. “You may do whatever you want with me, it is your right as owner of this sheath. You fight these duels for the sword and for its power,” she looked away once more, “Not for me, or to understand me.” There was a faint tint of sorrow to her voice and she hoped that it had not been noticed. She had to accept after all that no one was going to free her from her pain, that was a given…let them fight for whatever they wanted to fight for…she would continue to survive…and Akio would continue to keep her sane.
***
The Bride seemed to trip over her words, usually she spoke in such assured tones. “I thought you were somethi- someone else,” Juri narrowed her eyes. Who? What had she seen in her face last night? “the hatred was not for you, gomen. I feel nothing towards you, or the other duelists.” Juri sat back slowly, training her features to keep the anger from smoldering. It was like being slapped…nothing? Hatred at least was something. How could she be so indifferent, so frustratingly apathetic? “Thank you for considering my well being, but it is not necessary. I should be able to do it tomorrow, Saionji-sempaii can wait that long.” Her words had that metallic tone again, little programmed robot.
The Bride looked her in the eyes, Juri met her gaze with the same measure of aloofness. “You said that none of the duelists can understand what it is like for me to do this…please do not continue in that direction of thinking. I am the Rose Bride.” She said it so surely, as if it were fact. Juri wondered now why she had bothered to convince the Council otherwise. Even if the Bride were only a role, she played it so flawlessly there was no difference between part and actor. “You may do whatever you want with me, it is your right as owner of this sheath. You fight these duels for the sword and for its power,” the Bride turned her gaze away, down. “Not for me, or to understand me.”
Juri folded her arms to resist the temptation to slap her. This false humility was truly starting to grate on her nerves. “You are right, it is futile for us to try to understand,” she said, reigning in the heat of her anger until it was a cool frost touching her words. Obviously she didn’t want to be understood or be liked for herself, Juri had tried to see things her way with the ladybugs but obviously even that didn’t mean much. She thought it was something of a truce, to see if they were going to live together if there wasn’t some common ground to be found between them. But there didn’t seem to be any. The Bride didn’t care if she were kind or cruel so it seemed. And kindness was such a chore when it was not returned or even appreciated.
“You play your part so perfectly…you cry false tears so well then. Fooled even me. What will I tell the council now about that, I almost had them convinced you were human. I suppose it would be better if you explain yourself to them, I don’t seem to be doing it properly. You can tell them tomorrow at the meeting then why you cried. And then I may as well give you to Saionji or have let you bleed for all you seem to care.”
Juri rose to her feet, the frustration choking her. She laughed, some release, an ugly unmusical sound. “But I can’t. I need the sword for my purposes, you know that, don’t you.” And she mocked her with that, taunting with that orange rose. Damned girl. No damned thing. Thing. Frustration building, Juri turned away before she struck her.
“I have to go to fencing practice soon,” she explained as turned away. Her icy eyes peered at the Bride a moment. “Perhaps I made a mistake last night,” she mused. “I should have drawn the sword and let the sheath die. Then neither of us would have to pretend anymore.” Juri picked up her bag and let the door shut behind her. .
**
Quiet followed her words and she looked to see anger in Juri’s green eyes. Anger when she had only spoken the truth. It was in truth useless for them to try to sympathize, and it was truth that she felt little or nothing for them. Sometimes she felt sorry for them, but under Akio’s ministrations that went away after a small time.
“You are right, it is futile for us to try to understand,” Juri said finally. At least she understood. Utena would never stop, always prying, wondering why she wasn’t normal and it was frustrating for her…at least this way, if the duelists didn’t care…if they didn’t care then she would feel no obligation to do so either.
“You play your part so perfectly…you cry false tears so well then. Fooled even me. What will I tell the council now about that, I almost had them convinced you were human.” Anthy froze. She had told them of that? She had told them of her weakness? That gave her more cause to fear Saionji then should Arisugawa lose. If he suspected her of having emotion he would demand it of her.
“I suppose it would be better if you explain yourself to them,” Juri continued, “I don’t seem to be doing it properly. You can tell them tomorrow at the meeting then why you cried. And then I may as well give you to Saionji or have let you bleed for all you seem to care.” She would have her tell them? What reason could she give? Certainly not the truth, that the pain was becoming so unbearable that she could not always take it, that her heart ached for oblivion, for anything other then this existence in which she was being punished with. But she didn’t want their sympathy; it was only for their own benefit that they felt guilty, or that they would apologize, she knew this well. And anyways…they would never understand or believe her if she told them… <
Juri made a harsh laughing sound that emanated darkly from her slender throat. Anthy watched passively as the taller woman walked around the room, musing out her situation. “But I can’t. I need the sword for my purposes, you know that, don’t you.” Yes she did. All the duelists needed the sword. That was how it worked…if they didn’t what would be the point? They wanted it for their own purposes; they needed her.
“I have to go to fencing practice soon,” Juri said glancing at her with a cold gaze which Anthy met flatly. “Perhaps I made a mistake last night, I should have drawn the sword and let the sheath die. Then neither of us would have to pretend anymore.”
She wouldn’t have minded all that much, as it was she lived only for Akio. She closed her eyes as the door slammed shut. “Chuu.” The creature made a soft sound and Anthy opened her eyes slowly to look at him. He sat on the table his head tilted as he studied her.
“Why should I?” she asked the creature quietly, as if she understood the question that he had posed, “she will only fall at some point, just like Tenjou. We know what will happen anyways…should she even get that far.” Yes, what would happen…
Anthy sat up slowly and pulled the container of lady bugs from the bag. The victors were as much a sacrifice as she…except they did not have to be the continuous sacrifice, once was enough. Why become attached to something so fleeting as that? She still wondered why she had allowed herself to grow so close to Utena, it was only painful, and even if she had gotten that far, she would have had to do the same thing. It was easier to not care and if they got frustrated along the way that was their problem. It was their own fault for trying to see her as human after all.
“Why can’t they cooperate Chuchu?” she asked musingly, “we tell them what I am and they refuse to believe it…” she set the container down on the table and leaned back, closing her eyes again, feeling the weight of ChuChu as he scampered to her lap and she looked down at him lovingly. “You’re my friend…you and onii-sama are all I need.” She pet him gently, “If she loses, at least Kiryuu can beat Saionji, I don’t know if Tenjou will try again.”
He made another sound as if to indicate that he hoped that she would. Anthy only shook her head and lied down again. It was easier, at least when she and Utena got along. Did that mean she should at least attempt to be nice to Juri? It would make it easier perhaps. It was nice to not be hit, or yelled at. It didn’t mean that she had to care about them, she was just so used to being ignored for the most part, seen as a servant not worth getting to know, but through the ages the students were not as aristocratic as all that it seemed. They didn’t mind making friends with the help.
“I just want this to be over…” she said in a soft voice, her fingers trailing over the bandage of her arm. Why had she thought she could do this? When was there a moment when she did not want to break down into tears? She wondered if it would be safe for her to do so now, but she doubted it.