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Rocky Whose Line Picture Show
a disturbingly
funny crossover
CAST
Dr. Ton-y-Slatter (a
scientist) - Tony Slattery
Josie Lawrence (a
comedienne) - Josie Lawrence
Greg Proops (a comedian) -
Greg Proops
Riff Ryan (a butler) - Ryan
Stiles
Mochgento (a handyman) -
Colin Mochrie
Carolinbia (a groupie) -
Caroline Quentin
Drewctor Carey (a rival
scientist) - Drew Carey
Bradley (a studmuffin) -
Brad Sherwood
Mikey (an actor) - Mike
McShane
The Clivenoligist (a host) -
Clive Anderson
Richard Vranch (a musician)
- Richard Vranch
Wayne Brady (a singer) -
Wayne Brady
The Whosers (fan club
members) - The Whosers
(Jessie, Sam, Angie, Dana,
Nick, Ashley, Vanessa, Dean, Julie, and EVERYONE ELSE!)
OPENING
(We
hear the 20th Century Fox theme music, but we see the Hat Trick
logo. Logo dissolves into the American ‘Whose Line?’ set. On the stage is Wayne
Brady. The music begins, and he sings.)
song: “Hat Trick’s Improv Show”
(to the tune of “Science
Fiction Double Feature”)
WAYNE
It was some years ago, and
on the radio,
That this little show began.
Contestants playing games;
making up wacky names,
Is how the audio show ran.
Thanks to BBC, they were put
on TV,
And they broadcast on
Channel Four.
The show went on for years,
and there were laughs and cheers.
And everyone cried out for
more.
The show that’s
improvisation
Captured an entire nation.
See Clive Anderson, former
attorney
As he guides the show along
its journey.
Wha-oh-ha-ho-ohhhh.
All at Hat Trick’s wild and
crazy improv show.
All of England was wild for
“Film & Theater Styles,”
Over “Props” the whole
country did bond.
It continued to grow; BBC
said, “I know -
Let’s take this funny show
and cross the pond!”
So, The States it went
through; Canada, too.
And it was a hit by a mile.
All around the world, joy
and laughter unfurled,
It gave everyone a reason to
smile.
Because …
The show that’s
improvisation
Captured an entire nation.
See Clive Anderson, former
attorney
As he guides the show along
its journey.
Wha-oh-ha-ho-ohhhh.
All at Hat Trick’s wild and
crazy improv show.
I wanna go,
Down to Hat Trick’s wild and
crazy improv show.
The Whosers know
They love Hat Trick’s wild
and crazy improv show.
Please let me go
To see Hat Trick’s wild and
crazy improv show.
(Wayne
slowly dissolves into an image of … the ceiling of the WLiiA? set in London.
The camera slowly pans down until we can see the stage. The season finale for
the show has just been taped. Greg Proops is standing alone on the stage. He’s
in a black suit and red tie. His jacket is flung over his shoulder. He looks
around the stage for a moment, reflecting. Richard Vranch comes out from
backstage.)
RICHARD
You’re still here?
GREG
Yeah, I’m waiting for Josie.
We’re driving up to Edinburgh for the Fringe Festival.
(They
both look over the stage.)
RICHARD
I guess we really did it,
huh?
GREG
I didn’t think there was any
doubt about that. The show rocked. And I got to top Clive’s insults.
RICHARD
Well to tell you the truth,
Greg, that was the only reason I showed up in the first place!
(Josie
enters, wearing a lavender top and peasant skirt, with an elaborate sash around
her waist. She’s carrying a white fleece coat.)
JOSIE
OK, Greg, you ready?
RICHARD
Well, looks like it’s time
for you to go. Good luck at the festival, Greg. I’m sure it’ll be a hit.
GREG
Who knows…
RICHARD
So long. See ya, Greg.
(Richard
goes over to his piano and sits at it, noodling on the keys a little. Josie
walks over to Greg.)
JOSIE
Oh Greg, wasn’t it just
wonderful? Weren’t all the lines just absolutely beautiful? Oh, I can’t believe
it. A day ago, we didn’t know what would happen, and now … now it’s all over.
(They
start to wander around the stage.)
GREG
Yes, Josie, we’re lucky
people. Everyone knows that this show can really cook.
JOSIE
Yes.
GREG
Why, Clive himself, he’s the
quickest person I have ever met.
JOSIE
Yes.
GREG
(stopping and turning to
Josie)
Hey, Josie.
JOSIE
Yes, Greg?
GREG
I’ve got something to say.
JOSIE
Uh-huh?
GREG
I really love the … skillful
way … you said all those funny things … on the show today.
JOSIE
Oh. Oh, Greg.
(Richard
starts to play the music on the piano, and provides the words in brackets.)
song: “Improv, Dammit”
(to the tune of “Dammit
Janet”)
GREG
The comedy, you can’t plan
it. [Dammit]
And it goes so fast you
can’t stand it! [Dammit]
The show’s so hot you must
fan it. [Dammit]
I’ve one thing to say - that
it’s improv, dammit, and it’s cool!
Some people might try to ban
it [Dammit]
But look at all the
countries that ran it! [Dammit]
If there’s one who loves
this, then I am it [Dammit]
Now I’ve one thing to say -
that it’s improv, dammit, and it’s cool!
Here’s a show that showcases
the joker!
I’m sorry when it is time to
go!
It never is mediocre!
Ooh, L-A-U-G-H, I love it
so!
JOSIE
Ohhh, the nicest show that
we’ve ever had! [So Glad]
I have to say that’s it’s
not bad, [So Glad]
That you can watch it with
your dad. [So Glad]
One thing to say - that I’m
glad, I’m mad for it too.
JOSIE
I’m glad …
GREG
Can’t … plan it.
JOSIE
I’m mad …
GREG
Ohhh … dammit!
JOSIE
Aren’t you?
GREG
I love it too -oo-oo-oo-oooh
…
GREG/JOSIE
It is such fun to do.
Ah-oooh…
GREG
I have loved improv since I
began it! [Dammit]
When the pressure’s just
like an exam it [Dammit]
Makes me have to think fast
or else panic. [Dammit]
Now, I’ve one thing to say -
that it’s improv, dammit, and it’s cool!
Improv, dammit…
JOSIE
So glad, I’m mad …
GREG
Improv, dammit…
GREG/JOSIE
And it’s cool.
(The
picture wipes, and now we see the Clivenologist as he sits in his chair with
his back to us. He’s in a study with a bookshelf along the back wall. He turns
around. He’s dressed as Crim - gray velour jacket, red ascot, etc. - but he’s
sitting at his WL desk.)
CLIVENOLOGIST
I would like, eh, if I may,
to award 100 points each to Greg and Josie for that last game. Now we’re going
to go on to a game called Alphabet. This is a game once again for Greg and
Josie. The scene is, you’re driving in a car along a desolate country road. And
remember, each sentence must start with the next letter of the alphabet,
beginning with the letter F. OK? Any time you’re ready.
(screen
wipe, to a rental car being driven along a country road late at night. It’s
pouring rain. Greg is driving. He’s clearly having problems with the British
car’s reversed controls, and the darkness and slippery road are only making
matters worse. Josie is sitting next to him, reading the paper. The car skids
and swerves, then Greg manages to right it.)
GREG
Fuckin’ British roads!
Almost as bad as the food.
JOSIE
Greg, should I drive? I’m
used to being on the left side of the road.
GREG
Handling it just fine, thank
you.
JOSIE
I doubt that, for some
reason.
GREG
Josie, I can do this!
(The
car nearly swerves off the road, then straightens out.)
JOSIE
Killing us won’t help
matters.
GREG
Let me drive without the
comments, okay Pookie?
JOSIE
Maybe we should find a place
to stop for the night.
GREG
No places around that I know
of.
JOSIE
Only that castle we passed a
few kilometers back.
GREG
Pretty spooky-looking place,
though.
JOSIE
Queen Elizabeth sure
wouldn’t live there.
GREG
Really, it didn’t look like
anyone lived there.
JOSIE
Shelter’s still shelter,
though.
GREG
True, but I’m sure we can
keep going until we find a town.
JOSIE
Unless we run out of gas.
How’s the tank?
GREG
Very nearly three-quarters
full. We’ll be fine.
(Suddenly,
there’s a bang. The car lurches, then stops.)
JOSIE
What was that bang?
GREG
Xylophone in the road being
run over, I hope. But I’m guessing it’s a flat tire.
JOSIE
You’re kidding me. Do we
have a spare tire?
GREG
Zero that work. The only one
we have is flat also. Damn rental car.
JOSIE
Absolutely terrific. So
we’re stuck here.
GREG
But we can’t stay here all
night. We’ll have to go find a phone, and maybe shelter.
JOSIE
Castle?
GREG
Doesn’t look like we have
much choice.
JOSIE
Eeek. I hope they have a
phone so we can call for help.
GREG
Figure on a long wait, hon.
Let’s go.
(They
exit the car. Josie puts on her coat and uses her newspaper as a head covering.
Greg pulls his suit jacket in around him for rain protection. They dash off
towards the castle. Screen wipe - they’re at the castle gate. A hand-painted
sign reads “You Must Sign a Release Form to Attend this Taping”. They look at
it, then at each other, then continue on towards the castle. Cut to them
walking in the woods leading up to the castle entrance.)
song: “Please Line Up”
(to the tune of “Over at the
Frankenstein Place”)
JOSIE
In the quiet sunset,
Many people wait.
No debate,
It’s their favorite show.
Then out come the pages
They all know.
JOSIE / GREG
Please line up!
ETHEREAL PAGE VOICES
Everyone up against the
wall!
JOSIE / GREG
Please line u-u-u-u-p!
ETHEREAL PAGE VOICES
Or we will kick out you all!
JOSIE / GREG
Please line up!
Line up!
Or you won’t get
Inside to see your favorite
show.
(Cut to a window that Riff Ryan is looking out of.)
The pages must go
Outside now to
Do their duty.
Though they may get
complained to,
They come through for me.
(He starts to shrink out of
sight, towards the bottom of the window.)
It is their jo-o-o-ob,
It is their jo-o-o-ob!
(He vanishes completely.)
JOSIE / GREG
Please line up!
ETHEREAL PAGE VOICES
Everyone up against the
wall!
JOSIE / GREG
Please line u-u-u-u-p!
ETHEREAL PAGE VOICES
Or we will kick out you all!
JOSIE / GREG
Please line up!
Line up!
Or you won’t get
Inside to see your
fa-a-a-a-vorite show.
(cut
to Clivenoligist.)
CLIVENOLIGIST
And so, that’ll be a
thousand points to Josie for trying to teach Greg the proper way to drive. It
seems that fortune has smiled on Josie and Greg, and they have found the help
that their plight requires. Or have they?
(Greg
and Josie reach the front door.)
JOSIE
Oh Greg, let’s get this over
with.
GREG
Relax, Josie. We’ll call for
a tow truck, dry off a bit and go.
(He
rings the doorbell. After a pause, the door is slowly opened by Riff Ryan. He
stares at the two, then slowly speaks.)
RIFF RYAN
Hello.
GREG
Good evening, I’m Unusually
Thick. Listen, man, our car broke down a few miles up the road. Can we use your
phone?
RIFF RYAN
You’re wet.
JOSIE
Yes.
GREG
Good call. It’s raining.
RIFF RYAN
Yes. … I think perhaps you’d
better both … come inside.
JOSIE
You’re too kind.
(They
enter the castle. Riff Ryan closes the door behind them. Cut to the castle’s
foyer. On the right is a large staircase. Mochgento is leaning against the
banister, almost unseen. He’s in a black silk shirt, black pants, and white
apron. The rest of the room is done in an antique gothic style, and gives off a
generally creepy feeling. The faint sounds of a party can be heard.)
JOSIE
What kind of a place IS
this?
GREG
Aw, it’s probably some kind
of hunting lodge for rich weirdoes.
(Riff
Ryan steps in front of them, then turns to them slightly.)
RIFF RYAN
This way.
(They
start to walk past the side of the staircase. Mochgento is now more visible.)
JOSIE
Are you having a party?
(Riff
Ryan stops and turns to look at her.)
RIFF RYAN
You’ve arrived on a rather
special night. It’s one of the master’s affairs.
JOSIE
Oh … lucky him.
MOCHGENTO
(Raising head)
You’re lucky, he’s lucky, I’m
lucky, we’re all lucky! Och Aye!
(He
slides backwards down the banister. An upright coffin with a clock face on it
begins to chime midnight. Riff Ryan walks towards the coffin and opens it,
revealing John Sessions holding up a sign that says, “Moving People”. As the
clock chimes, two Whosers, Jessie and Angie, come out from the other room.
Angie grabs Riff Ryan to “move” him as he dances, and Jessie takes Mochgento.
They do all the Time Warp moves that are done in the movie.)
song: “Say Something Funny”
(to the tune of “Time Warp”)
RIFF RYAN
It’s quick thinking,
And so fleeting.
Improv takes its toll.
Must listen closely…
MOCHGENTO
‘Cause when you’re making it
all up...
RIFF RYAN
You’ve got to keep control.
I remember, when I first
started.
It was, so scary then.
A brain freeze would hit me…
RIFF RYAN / MOCHGENTO
Inner voice would be calling
…
(Two more Whosers, Vanessa and Dean, come out from the other room. They “move” Greg and Josie into the room they have just exited from. Angie and Jessie follow with Riff Ryan and Mochgento. The room is filled with Whosers.)
WHOSERS
Say something funny again!
Say something funny again!
(The room is a giant ballroom with a stage on one end, with stairs leading up to it. A throne is on the stage. Above the throne hangs a sign reading “Annual Whoser Convention.” All the Whosers are on the dance floor, all wearing sunglasses and dark green shirts that read, “I’m not a stalker … I’m a Whoser.”)
(Cut
to the Clivenologist. He pulls down a chart reading, “Essential Rules of
Comedy.” All the Time Warp steps are done, despite the alternate lyrics, just
for fun.)
You must remember to share…
(Back to the Whosers, and so on.)
WHOSERS
Don’t try to hog the
spotli-i-i-i-ight!
CLIVENOLOGIST
If two kiss on the lips…
WHOSERS
Then they should both be
gu-y-y-y-ys!
It makes me laugh so
ha-a-a-a-rd,
I’m nearly driven
insay-yay-yay-yay-ane!
Say something funny again!
Say something funny again!
MOCHGENTO
It’s so dreamy.
This show really frees me!
So I’m not like me,
No, not at all.
In another dimension,
With a comedic intention,
Improvisation,
I love it all.
RIFF RYAN
With a bit of a mind flip…
MOCHGENTO
Your inhibitions slip!
RIFF RYAN
And, my friend, you’ll never
be the same.
MOCHGENTO
It’s a head-rush pulsation,
RIFF RYAN
And it’s quite a sensation!
WHOSERS
Say something funny again!
Say something funny again!
(Angie
and Jessie move Riff Ryan and Mochgento over to a jukebox. Carolinbia is
sitting on top. Nick is moving Carolinbia’s arms as she moves them to the
song.)
Well I was in a sitcom show,
It was funny, you know.
When I heard about this and
thought I’d give it a go.
It shook-a me up,
It took me by surprise,
Put a smile on my face
And sparkle in my eyes!
I did the show and I felt a
change.
It was my chance to show my
comic range!
WHOSERS
Say something funny again!
Say something funny again!
You must remember to share…
WHOSERS
Don’t try to hog the
spotli-i-i-i-ight!
CLIVENOLOGIST
If two kiss on the lips…
WHOSERS
Then they should both be
gu-y-y-y-ys!
It makes me laugh so
ha-a-a-a-rd,
I’m nearly driven
insay-yay-yay-yay-ane!
Say something funny again!
Say something funny again!
(Carolinbia leaps from the jukebox and is caught by Dana, who moves her in a tap dance across the room. She dances, spins … and catches her heel against the stage, falling on the steps. Unhurt but embarrassed, she stands, and Dana moves her to the middle of the room, where Jessie/Mochgento and Angie/Riff Ryan join her in the middle of the Whosers.)
WHOSERS
Say something funny again!
Say something funny again!
You must remember to share…
WHOSERS
Don’t try to hog the
spotli-i-i-i-ight!
CLIVENOLOGIST
If two kiss on the lips…
WHOSERS
Then they should both be
gu-y-y-y-ys!
It makes me laugh so
ha-a-a-a-rd,
I’m nearly driven
insay-yay-yay-yay-ane!
Say something funny again!
(As the song winds to an end, all the Whosers holding a player let go. Everyone in the room except Greg and Josie falls to the floor. For a minute, there is silence.)
JOSIE
(whispering to Greg)
Say something!
GREG
(loudly)
Say!
(Everyone
on the floor sits up.)
GREG
You guys take requests?
(The
Whosers look at each other in confusion.)
JOSIE
Greg, let’s get out of here.
GREG
Just chill out, Josie.
JOSIE
But it … it seems unhealthy
here.
GREG
It’s just a fan club, Josie.
JOSIE
Well, I wanna go.
GREG
Well, we can’t go anywhere
until we get to a phone!
JOSIE
Well, then ask the butler or
someone.
GREG
Just a moment, Josie, we
don’t want to interrupt their celebration.
JOSIE
This isn’t a wrap party,
Greg!
(As
they talk, they move slowly backwards, passing by Rory Bremner holding up a
sign that reads, “Party Quirks”. They stop in the doorway and in front of a
cage-like elevator. They don’t notice it, but the lift behind them is moving -
someone’s coming down. The Whosers slowly stand, watching the elevator in
antici … pation. They form two lines - one on each side, leading from the
elevator to the throne. Riff Ryan, Mochgento and Carolinbia are in the middle
of one line.)
GREG
They’re probably foreigners
with ways different than our own. Perhaps they’re Canadian. They may do some
more Swiss clock dancing.
(The
elevator has now completely descended. Ton-y-Slatter is inside with his back
turned. He’s in a full-length black cape which covers him completely from the
neck down.)
JOSIE
Look, I’m cold and I’m wet
and I’m just plain scared!
GREG
I’m sure there’s nothing to
worry about.
(The
elevator door opens and Tony turns around. A subtitle appears that reads “Mad
Scientist”. Greg and Josie both step back in surprise.)
song: “Improv Comic”
(to the tune of “Sweet
Transvestite”)
TON-Y-SLATTER
How d’you do, I
Hope you’ll guess my
Little Party Quirk.
Hope you don’t bring the
mood down,
Because, if you’re stumped,
It makes us both look like a
jerk.
(He starts walking between
the two lines of Whosers towards the throne.)
Don’t get stressed out
By trying to guess.
It’ll come to you soon,
honey.
I’m not a superstar
Down in Hollywood,
But I’m pretty good at being
funny.
(Reaches the throne and
turns around. Throws off the cape, revealing his “Doc Holiday” Western outfit.)
TONY
I’m just an improv comic
Down on “Whose Line is it
Anyway?” Hey, hey!
(Walks back up line to Greg
and Josie.)
Let me say something crude,
Please don’t think that it’s
rude,
I just find that it’s
groovy.
Or if you want something
funny
That’s right on the money
We can dub new lines over an
old movie.
GREG
I know I should do my best.
Are you from the old west?
I know I should guess in a
hurry.
JOSIE
Right.
(Tony
goes to shake hands with the Whosers.)
Pleasure to meet you, Dr.
Slatter.
GREG
Oh, now I get the gist.
You’re a mad scientist!
That one gave me a little
worry.
TONY
So you guessed in nothing
flat.
Well, how ‘bout that?
I’m glad you didn’t panic.
Now that you’ve guessed my
feat,
Think I’ll go have a seat.
And then I’ll find your car
a mechanic.
(He
steps on to the stage. Carolinbia walks up with him.)
TONY
I’m just an improv comic
Down on “Whose Line is it
Anyway?” Hey, hey!
(He lounges in the throne. Carolinbia kneels at the chair’s right. Mochegento stands behind it, and Riff Ryan crouches on the left.)
I could do improv all night.
RIFF RYAN
Night.
TONY
Won’t stop for a bite.
CAROLINBIA
Bite.
TONY
You see, this is my favorite
… obsession.
When I think of a line
And it comes out so fine,
It’s just great for
relieving my … tension.
I’m just an improv comic
Down on “Whose Line is it
Anyway?” Hey, hey!
(Tony stands up, as do
Carolinbia and Riff Ryan.)
TONY
Hit it, hit it!
I’m just an improv comic!
RIFF RYAN, MOCHGENTO,
CAROLINBIA
Improv comic!
TONY
Down on “Whose Line…”
RIFF RYAN, MOCHGENTO,
CAROLINBIA
“…is it Anyway?” Hey, hey!
(Tony runs across the room,
pushes between Greg and Josie, and gets back in the elevator.)
TONY
So … come up to the show.
And sleep before you go.
I’ll make you giggle with
antici…..pation.
But maybe the game
Isn’t really to blame.
So I’ll remove the score …
Mphhh … hmm-hmm-hmm-hmmmm….
And change the station!
(He hits a button, and the elevator rises. The Whosers all applaud and leave the room.)
(Riff Ryan and Mochgento go over to Josie and Greg and towel off their wet hair. Riff Ryan removes Josie’s soaked coat, and Mochgento does the same for Greg’s suit jacket and tie.)
JOSIE
Thank you.
GREG
Thank you very much.
(Riff Ryan unties the sash from around Josie’s waist. Mochgento unbuttons Greg’s dress shirt, revealing a white t-shirt underneath.)
JOSIE
Oh! Hey! Greg!
GREG
It’s all right, Josie. We’ll play along for now and –
(Mochgento removes Greg’s dress shirt and tries to undo his belt.)
GREG
HEY!!! I don’t fuckin’ hardly think so! Get away from me!
(Riff Ryan leaves. Mochgento picks up the removed clothes and hands them to Carolinbia.)
CAROLINBIA
Ugh, they’re all wet!
GREG
Good evening, I’m Wide But Not Painful. This is my friend Josie. Look, pookie, can you please just point me to a phone?
CAROLINBIA
You’re very lucky to be invited up to Tony’s studio lab. Some people would give their right arm for the privilege.
GREG
People like you and your little friends, maybe?
CAROLINBIA
Ha! I’ve performed there!
(She tosses the clothes on the floor and walks off. Greg and Josie reach for the clothes, but Mochgento takes their arms and turns them towards the elevator. They pass Paul Merton holding up a sign that reads, “Helping Hands.”)
(In front of the elevator, Riff Ryan is standing with Carolinbia behind him, her arms substituting for his as he/she pours champagne into a glass. Carolinbia tips the bottle so Riff Ryan drinks some champagne, then lets go of the bottle. It smashes to the floor. Carolinbia hands Riff Ryan the champagne glass, then enters the elevator. Mochgento leads Greg and Josie in. Riff Ryan enters last and closes the cage door. He presses a button, and the elevator rises.)
(The elevator rises up to the next floor. Steve Frost is standing there, holding up a sign that reads, “Questions Only.” The elevator continues.)
JOSIE
Is he … Tony, I mean … is he your husband?
(Carolinbia laughs at the thought.)
RIFF RYAN
Don’t you know we are simply his servants?
JOSIE
How would I know that?
RIFF RYAN
Isn’t it obvious?
JOSIE
How could it be?
RIFF RYAN
Don’t we follow his orders?
JOSIE
Have I seen him give you orders?
RIFF RYAN
You … did … aww …
(A buzzer sounds from out of nowhere.)
(The elevator stops in the studio lab. It’s done up like the lab in the movie, except that there are TV cameras instead of statues. Tony is standing in front of an aquarium-like tank that is covered with a red sheet. All the Whosers are standing on the ramp that encircles the top of the room. On the wall below the ramp is an elaborate control panel, and a large red door. To one side is a small stage with a microphone on it.)
(Josie slowly steps out of the elevator, followed by Greg. They turn and look all around the room. Riff Ryan steps out and walks up to Tony, handing him the champagne glass, then walking off. Mochgento and Carolinbia walk out of the elevator and stand behind Josie and Greg.)
TONY
Mochgento. Carolinbia.
(They step out from behind Josie and Greg.)
TONY
Go and assist Riff Ryan.
(They walk off.)
TONY
I will entertain … erm …
(reaches
his hand out towards Greg and Josie. They ignore the handshake.)
GREG
I’m Fun After Dark. This is
Josie. Can you help us out or not?
(Tony takes Josie’s hand and kisses it. He continues kissing up Josie’s arm until she manages to pull it away.)
Enchante. Well, how nice!
(to Greg)
And what a charming
undershirt you have.
(Greg folds his arms across his chest and glares at Tony. Riff Ryan comes out and hands Tony a black shirt with white skulls all over it, then goes off again.)
TONY
But here, put this on.
(Hands Greg the shirt.)
It’ll make you feel less …
GREG
(sarcastically)
Naked?
TONY
Vulnerable.
(All the Whosers snicker. Greg swiftly puts on the shirt and buttons it up.)
TONY
It’s not often we receive guest performers here. Let alone offer them … top billing.
GREG
Top billing? All we wanted to do was to use your telephone! I guaran-god-damn-tee it!
JOSIE
Greg, don’t be ungrateful!
GREG
Oh, I’d never be ungrateful. It’s obvious to me he’s just pretending to be a pretentious prat, and will in fact help us sometime within the current decade.
TONY
How sarcastic you are, Greg. Such a perfect specimen of comedian. So … witty.
(A giggle runs through the crowd of Whosers. Julie leans closer to hear more of Greg’s wit.)
TONY
You must be awfully proud of him, Josie.
JOSIE
Well … I suppose so. He’s my friend.
TONY
Have you been in any Oscar-winning films, Greg?
GREG
I was in two that were nominated.
TONY
Oh, well.
(to Josie)
How ‘bout you?
JOSIE
Nominated.
(Riff Ryan walks over to Tony.)
RIFF RYAN
Everything is in readiness, master. We merely await your … word.
(He looks at Josie as if to say, “See? I told you I was his servant!” Tony hands Riff Ryan the champagne glass and walks onto the stage. Mochgento and Carolinbia are standing there on either side of a microphone. Tony stands between them, in front of the mike.)
TONY
Tonight, my unconventional
conventionalists, you are to witness a new breakthrough in comedic research.
And true laughter is to be mine!
(The Whosers applaud)
It was strange the way it
happened. Suddenly, you get a break. All the pieces seem to … awww, fuck the
speech. Let’s just get on with it!
(More
applause. Tony, Mochgento and Carolinbia walk over to the covered tank.
Mochgento and Carolinbia stand on either side of it. Tony stands in front,
facing the crowd.)
You see, you are fortunate.
For tonight is the night that a brand-new comedian is destined to be born!
(Still more applause, with lots of Whoser-style screams. Tony turns and faces the tank. Mochgento and Carolinbia each pick up a corner of the cloth covering the tank and wait for the signal.)
Hoopla!
(They
remove the cover from the tank, revealing a mummified creature semi-floating in
the middle of the tank. Tony, Mochgento and Carolinbia all gather on one long
side of the tank. Riff Ryan stands at the control panel.)
Throw open the switches on
the sonic Laugh Track!
(Riff Ryan throws two switches.)
And step up the
Applause-O-Meter … three … more … points!
(Riff Ryan pushes three buttons, then crouches down to turn a wheel. The wheel lowers a tray with an assortment of items on it over the tank. The tray stops in front of Tony. He takes things from the tray – a muffin tin, a stuffed monkey, a bottle of Rolling Rock, etc. – and tosses them into the tank, where they instantly dissolve. Each time an item dissolves, the water in the tank changes color. Finally, Riff Ryan throws one more switch, and there is a flash of light. The mummy raises his arms, and the water in the tank disappears. The mummy stands in the tank. The Whosers applaud. Riff Ryan goes to the tank and removes the mummy’s head wrap, revealing Bradley’s face.)
Oh, Bradley!
song: “I’m Such a Studmuffin”
(to the tune of “Sword of
Damocles”)
BRADLEY
I’m such a studmuffin,
I am always chased by the
girls.
And I’ve got the feeling
That my life is just caught
in a whirl!
Oh, woe is me,
Is this my life’s destiny?
And can’t you see
That I am a guy with a true
sense of humor!
(He
jumps out of the tank. Mochgento and Carolinbia begin unpeeling his mummy’s
wrappings, revealing black pants and a gold lamé shirt.)
BRADLEY
I got to L.A. and I joined
the group at ACME.
WHOSERS
That makes us laugh!
BRADLEY
And I love to tell you jokes
whenever I’m on TV.
WHOSERS
That makes us laugh!
BRADLEY
When I am low,
Humor is the place to go.
Because I know,
That I am a guy with a true
sense of humor!
(He starts to run up the ramp where the Whosers are gathered. Tony takes off after him, but can’t catch him.)
RIFF RYAN / MOCHGENTO /
CAROLINBIA / WHOSERS
Sha-la-la-la, that makes us
laugh!
Sha-la-la-la, that makes us
laugh!
Sha-la-la-la, that makes us
laugh!
That makes us laugh!
(Bradley starts walking through the Whosers. They close in around him, cutting Tony off.)
BRADLEY
I’m such a studmuffin,
I am always chased by the
girls.
And I’ve got the feeling
That my life is just caught
in a whirl!
Oh, woe is me,
Is this my life’s destiny?
And can’t you see
That I am a guy with a true
sense of humor!
TONY
Bradley!
(Bradley starts to run again, and bumps into Ashley.)
BRADLEY
Stay there; I’ll be right back.
(He continues running. Tony chases him some more, but still can’t keep up.)
RIFF RYAN / MOCHGENTO /
CAROLINBIA / WHOSERS
Sha-la-la-la, that makes us
laugh!
Sha-la-la-la, that makes us
laugh!
Sha-la-la-la, that makes us
laugh!
That makes us laugh!
That makes us laugh!
Sha-la-la!
(Bradley returns to the tank and sits on the end. Tony finally reaches him, panting.)
Well, really. That’s no way
to behave on your first day on the show! But, um, since you’re such an
exceptional comic, I’m prepared to forgive you.
(Bradley and the Whosers applaud. Riff Ryan, Mochgento and Carolinbia gather around the tank.)
TONY
Oh I just love success!
RIFF RYAN
He’s a credit to your comic genius, master.
TONY
Yes.
MOCHGENTO
A triumph of your wit!
TONY
Yes!
CAROLINBIA
He’s OK!
(Tony, Riff Ryan, and Mochgento all turn to look at her.)
TONY
OK? … OK?!?!? I think we can do better than that!
(Tony leads Bradley over to Josie and Greg.)
TONY
Well, Greg and Josie. What do you think of him?
JOSIE
Well … I suppose he could make me laugh.
TONY
I didn’t make him for you!
(He leads Bradley away, passing by Sandi Toksvig holding up a sign that says, “Props”.)
TONY
He carries the Hat Trick Productions seal of approval!
(Goes over by the elevator, where there is a large object covered with a red sheet. He whips off the sheet, revealing a weight set. He gives Bradley two small dumbbells. Bradley proceeds to use them as props.)
song: “You’ll be a Funny Man”
(to the tune of “I Can Make
you A Man”)
TONY
A comic who is just starting
out,
Will get heckled a lot, and
kicked all about.
He’ll tell all his jokes
To the dames and blokes.
He’ll tremble and sweat
At the boos he may get.
He’ll want to give up at
times,
As he searches for reason
and rhyme...
He’ll be down, and so sad,
He’ll write a strong act…
WHOSERS
But the wrong act!
TONY
He'll eat unhealthy, bad junk food,
And sleep in cheap rooms...
Try to punch up his humor, chase away his … gloom.
Such an effort, if he only knew of my plan.
In just seven days...
You’ll be a funny man.
(Tony takes the dumbbells from Bradley and leads him over to stand in front of the red door.)
He'll do warm-ups, and midlines,
Be heckled, called a jerk,
He hopes getting to headline’s worth this hard work.
Such strenuous living I just don't understand,
When in just seven days, ...oh baby, ...You’ll be a funny man.
(Tony laughs delightedly. A light by the red door blinks three times, accompanied by a high-pitched beep.)
TONY
Oh, shit!
CAROLINBIA
Mikey!!!
(Tony and Bradley run from the door. It opens like a castle bridge, hinged at the bottom. Inside is a large freezer. Mikey comes riding out on a motorcycle. He’s followed by Jim Meskimen holding a sign that reads “Song Styles – Rock and Roll”. Mikey throws down his sunglasses and motorcycle helmet, then steps off the bike. He’s dressed in biker gear and has a saxophone strapped to his back.)
song: “It Was Crazy”
(to the tune of “Hot
Patootie”)
MIKEY
Whatever happened to BBC 4?
They loved the show and
they’d yell for more.
Don’t seem the same, not
anymore
No new episodes, it don’t
seem as devine.
(He motions to Carolinbia, who rushes to him.)
MIKEY
I used to come around and joke and sing my songs.
I was there for nine years, it didn’t seem that long.
The friendships that I made there will always be strong,
Thinking back on it, I know it was a good time.
It was crazy, what a show!
I hated when I had to go!
It was crazy, what a show!
I hated when I had to go!
(He breaks into a sax solo as everyone except Tony dances around him, then goes back to sing to Carolinbia)
My head it used to swim from the Quirks that I got.
I’d sing duets with Josie ‘til my voice was shot.
It was always such a rush when I was on the spot,
I’d hear the laughter from the crowd and know it was mah-ine.
Give men a kiss, though it’s a put-on,
Turning cat litter into a ballad love song,
I was happy I could be on the show for so long.
It felt really good. Woo, we really had a good tiiiiiiime…
(he dances with Carolinbia during the chorus)
It was crazy, what a show!
I hated when I had to go!
It was crazy, what a show!
I hated when I had to go!
(Tony goes over to Bradley and drags him to the elevator cage, locking him in. Mikey leaves Carolinbia and hops on his motorcycle, riding it up the ramp and back down the other side. The Whosers cheer at first, then realize they’d better get out of the cycle’s path. They run ahead of it or jump out of the way.)
(Mikey returns to where he’d started as the song ends, picking Carolinbia up and placing her on the motorcycle’s seat. Tony walks up to Mikey with an evil grin, holding something behind his back. He reveals the object to be a club that reads, BAD REVIEWS. Mikey panics and runs back to the freezer. Tony chases him, wielding the club. After a few seconds, Tony comes out alone. He drops the club.)
TONY
What every actor dreads.
(slightly nervous laughter from the Whosers)
TONY
Now where was I?
(A rattling sound is heard as Bradley tries to open the door to the cage.)
TONY
Oh, right!
(He walks over and opens the door. Bradley glares at him.)
TONY
Don’t be upset. It was a mercy review. He had a certain vocal charm, but no minions.
(Bradley rolls his eyes and sneers.)
TONY
Oh! Sarcasm! Now THAT’S comedic muscle!
(The Whosers form two lines on the floor of the lab. Tony slowly walks between them, followed by Riff Ryan and Mochgento.)
song: “You’ll be a Funny Man:
reprise”
(to the tune of “I Can Make
you A Man: reprise”)
TONY
Rubber chickens and a pie throw,
A wheel of brie to swallow,
Makes me … hahahahaha … shake!
Makes me want to take Robin Williams by the … ha-ha-hand.
(he stops at the end of the line and turns around, facing Bradley)
In just seven days, oh baby, you’ll be a funny man.
(He struts back towards Bradley)
I don’t want no canned laughter.
Jokes are what I’m after.
JOSIE
I’m a humor fan.
TONY
In just seven days, you’ll be a funny man.
Dig it if you can.
In just seven days, you’ll be a funny man.
(Awards show-style music plays. Riff Ryan and Mochgento pull a curtain, revealing a podium with an awards statue on it. Obscured behind the podium is a purple sofa with a sign on it that says “casting couch”. Tony escorts Bradley to the podium as the song winds down, jumping into his arms on the final note.)
(Screen wipe to the Clivenologist)
CLIVENOLOGIST
There are those who say that the points do matter, and are not just a figment of my imagination. These people need to get a life. As for the rest of us, we’ll move on to our next game. And it’s “Narrate”, with Josie and Tony. Your scene is, Josie, you’re staying overnight at Tony’s, and he’s just sneaked into your bedroom. Of course, Tony would never do anything like that, just as I never lie. So, “Narrate”. Go ahead.
(3 quick shots: Josie entering her bedroom, which is lit in pink; Riff Ryan and Mochgento back in the studio lab, watching Josie on a TV monitor; and Greg entering his room, which is lit in blue. Both rooms have canopy beds with their curtains drawn.)
(Cut To: Josie’s room. She’s asleep on the bed, her silhouette visible through the curtain of the bed. Tony enters the room, disguised as Greg in a wig and glasses. Josie wakes up.)
JOSIE
He burst into the room like a man on fire. Which, knowing him, he probably was. ‘Who is it? Who’s there?’
TONY (GREG)
I was on fire, all right. I’d gotten too close to a flaming torch. It’s a hazard of living in a castle. But that fire was out now, and I was in the room for another reason. ‘It’s me, Josie, Greg.’
JOSIE
I knew it wasn’t Greg. Tony couldn’t fool me. He’d left that awful Doc Holiday outfit on. But I decided to play along. ‘Oh, Greg, come on in.’
TONY (GREG)
She’d bought my disguise. Now was my chance. ‘You’re not still scared, are you Josie?’
(Tony climbs onto the bed with Josie.)
JOSIE
Scared? No. Disgusted, repulsed, nauseous, but not scared. ‘Greg, this is so unlike you. After all, you are married.’
TONY (GREG)
Dammit, I hadn’t counted on his faithfulness. But what the hell, I was horny. ‘She’ll never know, Josie. Come on.’
JOSIE
Fun was fun, but this had gone far enough.
(She pulls off Tony’s wig and glasses.)
‘I knew it was you!’
TONY
I would be the judge of when it had gone far enough. After all, my pants were still on. ‘Would you like to see my underwear?’
JOSIE
I wasn’t about to fall for that line. I knew he never wore any underwear. ‘I think you had better leave.’
TONY
But the fun was just getting started! ‘But the fun’s just getting started!’
JOSIE
Apparently I had to be more direct. ‘GET OUT!’
TONY
I started to get the feeling she didn’t want me in the room.
(Buzzer sounds. Tony leaves the room.)
(Cut to: Riff Ryan and Mochgento cleaning up the studio lab. Mochgento is mopping, while Riff Ryan dusts everything in sight, including Chip Esten holding a sign that reads, “Animals – two lions stalking a zebra”. Riff Ryan walks over to Mochgento and whispers to him. Mochgento looks over at Bradley, asleep on the casting couch, and smirks. Riff Ryan hands his dustcloth to Mochgento and creeps towards the couch, his arms out like a lion’s paws.
Riff Ryan gets close to Bradley, leans over him, and lets out a tremendous roar in Bradley’s ear. Bradley jumps up in a panic and runs off as Riff Ryan pounces on the couch. Bradley runs to the elevator shaft, turns to see Riff Ryan and Mochgento closing in on him, roaring. In a panic, he climbs down the shaft. Riff Ryan and Mochgento watch him go, then give each other a high five.)
(Cut to: Greg’s bedroom. Like Josie, Greg is seen only in silhouette. Steve Steen walks by in front of the bed, holding up a sign that says “Secret”. Tony comes in, disguised as Josie.)
TONY (JOSIE)
Oh Greg, it’s no good here! The studio execs will destroy it!
(Tony climbs into Greg’s bed.)
GREG
Don’t worry Josie, the execs won’t cancel it. It’s too cheap to produce.
TONY (JOSIE)
Oh Greg, you’re so reassuring.
(Tony leans against Greg, the long wig brushing against Greg’s face.)
GREG
Uh, Josie … what are you doing? Oh, careful, your hair’s caught on my glasses … Here, I’ll get it …
TONY (JOSIE)
No, I’ll get it! Don’t –
(Greg pulls off the wig.)
GREG
You!
(Greg and Tony both sit up.)
TONY
I’m afraid so, Greg, but isn’t it funny?
GREG
Is this gonna be another one of those bits with two guys suddenly finding they’re in bed with each other?
TONY
Well, not really … why, do you think it should?
GREG
No, I don’t. It’s such an easy laugh.
TONY
We’re improvising! The easy laugh is … easiest!
GREG
Exactly! There’s no challenge!
TONY
I get quite enough challenges during Party Quirks, thank you very much!
GREG
Yeah, that’s true. Where do they come UP with some of those??
TONY
I mean, animals crossing the road? Or putting a body part in each sentence?
GREG
And we’re supposed to be so damn specific with our guesses!
TONY
Yeah! ‘Well, you’re obviously a three-toed sloth on the run from hunters in the southern end of the Amazon Basin at 20 minutes past 4am!’
(Tony and Greg both laugh.)
TONY
Listen, you want to come down to the kitchen for coffee? We can compare stories.
GREG
Sure, why not?
(A buzzer sounds. Riff Ryan appears on Greg’s TV monitor.)
RIFF RYAN
Master, Bradley has awakened and vanished. Your new protégé is loose and somewhere in the castle grounds. Mochgento has just released … the fans.
TONY
Oh, bloody hell. All right, I’m coming.
(Cut to: Josie, sitting up in bed, annoyed.)
JOSIE
What’s happening here? What sort of show is this? And why is the lock on my bedroom door broken?
(Cut to: Bradley, running outside in the rain, chased by screaming fans)
(Cut to: Josie, getting in the elevator, closing the door, and going up to the studio lab, where she exits the elevator.)
JOSIE
Oh, we’re going to be so late to the Fringe Festival. If only the car hadn’t broken down! If only we were amongst friends … or sane persons. That Tony … oh, dear … did he … try anything with Greg?
(Josie goes over to the monitor board and turns on the monitor, to see Greg and Tony sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee. Greg is smoking a cigarette.)
JOSIE
Oh sure, go have coffee with him and don't invite me … I could use a cup of coffee!
(Suddenly, Josie is startled by a sneeze coming from the tank. She goes over to it and looks inside. Bradley stands up, dripping wet.)
JOSIE
Oh, you’re all wet! Did they do this to you?
(Bradley nods. Josie looks around the room, sees the red sheet that had been covering the weight set. She gets it and hands it to Bradley.)
JOSIE
Here, dry yourself off. Poor guy, it’s hard being new to the show.
(Bradley reaches for Josie’s hand. Josie looks at him, surprised.)
BRADLEY
H … help me.
(Josie smiles. Cut to the Clivenologist.)
CLIVENOLOGIST
Bartender: a game wherein Brad will sing his problems to Josie, the bartender, and she will sing advice back to him. So, Brad is confused about something. What is he confused about? He’s confused about the best way to learn improv. And from what Mochgento and Carolinbia are eagerly watching on their TV, there seems little doubt that Josie is indeed … his teacher.
(Cut to Mochgento and Carolinbia sitting on a couch, eating popcorn and watching Josie and Bradley on TV.)
MOCHGENTO/CAROLINBIA
Tell us about it, Bradley.
(they laugh)
song: “Teach-a Teach Me”
(to the tune of “Touch-a
Touch Me”)
BRADLEY
I passed my audition,
Thought I’d won.
I’d never done the show before.
CAROLINBIA
You mean he’s …?
MOCHGENTO
Nervous.
BRADLEY
I thought I’d breeze right though it,
Knew that I could do it.
But when I did the show,
I thought … I blew it.
Now all I want to know,
Is how to go.
I’ve gotten laughs
And I want more.
MOCHGENTO/CAROLINBIA
More, more, more!
BRADLEY
I hope that you won’t hate me,
If I say “educate me”.
I’ve got an urge to learn,
And I can’t wait, see!
Teach-a, teach-a, teach me,
I want to be funny!
Laughter is what I’m after,
Comedy’s my life!
JOSIE
Yes I can see your fear,
Doing improv here.
All you want to do is just lie down.
MOCHGENTO/CAROLINBIA
Down, down, down!
JOSIE
I’ll say the secret to it,
Is just go and do it,
Just say what comes to mind,
And you’ll get through it!
JOSIE/BRADLEY
Teach-a, teach-a, teach me,
I want to be funny!
Laughter is what I’m after,
Comedy’s my life!
CAROLINBIA
Teach-a, teach-a, teach me!
MOCHGENTO
I want to be funny!
CAROLINBIA
Laughter is what I’m after!
MOCHGENTO
Comedy’s my life!
JOSIE/BRADLEY
Teach-a, teach-a, teach me,
I want to be funny!
Laughter is what I’m after,
Comedy’s my life!
BRADLEY
Comedy’s my life!
GREG
Comedy’s my life!
TONY
Comedy’s my life!
MOCHGENTO
Comedy’s my life!
RIFF RYAN
Comedy’s my life!
CAROLINBIA
Comedy’s my life!
BRADLEY
Comedy’s my life!
JOSIE
Comedy’s my life!
(Cut to: Riff Ryan, Tony, and Greg all in the elevator as it rises up to the studio lab. Tony is hitting Riff Ryan with a rubber chicken. When the elevator stops, Riff Ryan opens the door and stumbles out, followed By Tony and Greg. There is no sign of Josie or Bradley.)
RIFF RYAN
Will you stop it with that prop, already? They get the joke!
TONY
Not until you tell me how he escaped! I understood you were to be watching!
RIFF RYAN
I was only away for a minute, Master.
TONY
Well, see if you can find him on the monitor.
(Riff Ryan stands up, ducking the swinging chicken as he walks over to the monitor board and switches it on. On the monitor we see the outside of the castle, just past the front door. Drewctor Carey is there, seated in a rolling desk chair.)
RIFF RYAN
Master! Master! We have a visitor! And boy, does he look scary!
(Tony and Greg go to look at the monitor.)
GREG
Hey, Carey!
(catching stares from Tony and Riff Ryan)
Drewctor Carey.
RIFF RYAN
You know this American?
(Tony motions for Riff Ryan to be quiet)
RIFF RYAN
This … comedian?
GREG
I most certainly do. He happens to be an old friend of mine.
TONY
I see. So this wasn’t simply a chance meeting, was it Greg? You came here with a purpose!
(pokes Greg with the chicken)
GREG
I told you, my car broke down! Go look where it’s sitting in the road if you don’t believe me!
TONY
I know what you told me, Greg. But this Drewctor Carey, his name is not unknown to me.
GREG
He’s a stand-up comic in America.
TONY
(hitting Greg with the chicken; Greg keeps stepping backwards to avoid it.)
But now he works for a TV network, doesn’t he Greg? He’s attached to the studio that steals the formats of that which you call, U.K. SHOWS! Isn’t that right, Greg?
GREG
He might be …
(threatened with the chicken)
I don’t know!
RIFF RYAN
The intruder is entering the building, master.
TONY
He’ll probably be in … the Green Room.
(Cut to: Drewctor Carey in the green room, surrounded by craft services tables. He picks up a cookie and examines it with a magnifying glass. Cut back to the lab.)
TONY
Shall we inquire of him … in person?
(Goes over to the monitor board and pulls a lever labeled, “Triple Contact Desk Chair Magnet”. He pulls the lever to three spots, activating three magnets.)
TONY
Ha … ha-ha …. Ha-HAH!
(Cut to: Drewctor Carey, whose desk chair is drawn by the magnet and begins to move. It bumps up a long flight of stairs, and zooms through the room where Mochgento and Carolinbia are still watching TV. They watch him pass by, then look at each other and shrug. The chair bumps its way up another flight of stairs, then crashes through the wall of the lab and onto the top of the ramp.)
GREG
I don’t care who you are, that had to hurt!
(Drewctor Carey zooms down the ramp, across the lab, and comes to a crashing stop against the magnets.)
DREWCTOR CAREY
Ton-y-Slatter, we meet at last.
GREG
Drewctor Carey!
DREWCTOR CAREY
Greg! What are you doing here?
TONY
Don’t play improv games, Drewctor Carey. You know perfectly well what Greg is doing here. It was part of your plan, was it not? That he and his female should check the show out for you? Well, unfortunately for you all, your plans are to be changed. I hope you’re quick-witted, Drewctor Carey. I know Greg is.
DREWCTOR CAREY
I can assure you that Greg’s presence here comes as a complete surprise to me. I came here to learn about Hoedowns.
GREG
Hoedowns? Oh, god, not those …
TONY
Hoedowns? What do you know of Hoedowns, Drewctor Carey?
DREWCTOR CAREY
I happen to know a great deal about a lot of games. You see, Hoedowns happen to be very popular with the audience, and I want to learn how to do them better. So I came here hoping you could give me pointers.
(Tony gasps, then turns off the magnet so Drewctor Carey is no longer stuck.)
GREG
You’re a real glutton for punishment, man.
(The sound of Josie’s laughter is heard from the tank. Tony rushes over to the tank to see what’s going on.)
JOSIE
That’s very good! You’re learning so quickly! Now, the next thing to know about improv-
(Tony reaches into the tank and pulls away the red sheet, revealing Bradley and Josie sitting there. They quickly stand.)
DREWCTOR CAREY
Josie!
JOSIE
Drewctor Carey!
GREG
Josie!
JOSIE
Greg!
TONY
Bradley!
(Bradly looks at Tony.)
DREWCTOR CAREY
Josie!
JOSIE
Drewctor Carey!
GREG
Josie!
JOSIE
Greg!
TONY
Bradley!
(Bradly looks at Tony.)
DREWCTOR CAREY
Josie!
JOSIE
Drewctor Carey!
GREG
Josie!
JOSIE
Greg!
TONY
Bradley!
(Bradly looks at Tony.)
TONY
You would let someone else teach you! Well, listen: I made you, and I can break you just as easily! You’re MY student!
(Mochgento steps in the room and bangs a gong, getting everyone’s attention.)
MOCHGENTO
Master, dinner is prepared!
TONY
Excellent. Under the circumstances, a formal atmosphere is to be optional!
(Cut to: the Clivenologist)
CLIVENOLOGIST
Food has always taken a vital role in life’s rituals. And that is the topic of our next game, which we call Whose Line. Players have been given lines on little slips of paper which they shall pull out and read out loud. They must then explain why they said what they just said. Sounds complicated? Well, with this bunch, it most likely will be. So let’s see, you’re all at a dinner party, with Tony as the host. Take it away.
(Cut to: Riff Ryan and Mochgento pushing a dinner cart with a covered tray on it into the dining room. Everyone else is seated around a large banquet table, with Tony at the head. Riff Ryan drops the tray on the table in front of Tony and removes the cover, revealing a large wheel of brie. Riff Ryan looks at it in disgust. Mochgento hands Tony an electric carving knife. Tony carves the brie while Riff Ryan and Mochgento go around the table, pouring peanut colada into everyone’s glasses. Riff Ryan then takes the sliced cheese and tosses a piece onto everyone’s tray before returning to stand on one side of Tony’s chair. Mochgento stands on the other side.)
TONY
(standing and raising his glass)
A toast!
(Everyone raises their glasses but remains seated.)
TONY
And, in the great tradition of Toastmasters, I offer this toast by saying …
(pulls a slip of paper from his pocket)
(leers at Josie, who shrinks
away and makes a face. Tony sniffs the drink)
This is not Chianti!
(Hands the drink to Riff
Ryan)
Here, you drink it!
(Riff Ryan makes a face and
discreetly throws the drink to the side. Tony sits down.)
Shall we?
(Everyone starts to eat their brie.)
DREWCTOR CAREY
We came here to discuss Hoedowns.
CAROLINBIA
Hoedowns???
TONY
(shooting Carolinbia a warning look)
That’s a rather tender subject. Another slice, anyone?
(Everyone shakes their heads, the mention of Hoedowns causing all to lose their appetites)
CAROLINBIA
Excuse me, I just remembered …
(takes out a slip of paper)
(She rushes from the room.)
DREWCTOR CAREY
(almost to himself)
I knew Hoedowns were scary, but it was worse than I imagined.
(pulls out a paper)
"We're surrounded....that simplifies the problem."
Surrounded by … insanity!
(Everyone gasps.)
GREG/JOSIE
Drewctor Carey!
TONY
Go on, Drewctor Carey. Or should I say …
(pulls out a paper)
"Kiss it and it'll get better, I promise."
So why don’t you kiss it, Drewctor ALLISON Carey?
GREG
Just what exactly are you implying?!
DREWCTOR CAREY
It’s all right!
GREG
But Drewctor Carey!
DREWCTOR CAREY
That’s all right, Greg.
song: “Howdown’s Lowdown”
(to the tune of “Eddie’s
Teddy”)
DREWCTOR CAREY
From the day I’d begun,
I’d had trouble.
Wanted to run,
Somewhere I could hide.
It’s not my thing …
CLIVENOLOGIST
And he found out quickly why
hosts don’t sing.
DREWCTOR CAREY
I can’t say I haven’t tried
…
From the day it went wrong
All I wanted
Was to learn the song
And the way to rhyme.
I was ill-versed…
CLIVENOLOGIST
At Hoedowns he was simply the worst!
DREWCTOR CAREY
Hope you’ll teach me if … you have time!
EVERYONE
Want the lowdown on how to do a Hoedown
So I’ll improve on what I knew.
And I hope you’ll hear my plea
And you will teach me –
TONY
All I know!
JOSIE
Way to go!
DREWCTOR CAREY
What to do!
(Cut to: Carolinbia, back on the couch watching TV)
CAROLINBIA
Oh, how Hoedowns scare me,
They very nearly tear me.
The game that’s fun for everyone,
Except for those who get it done.
We all quake in fear and we know it isn’t fun.
(Back to the table)
DREWCTOR CAREY
Well, I’d put up a fight
Against Hoedowns
But then I’d write
A sample verse which reads…
(pulls three slips of paper from his pocket)
ALL
What’s it say, what’s it say?
(Greg, Josie and Bradley gather around Drewctor Carey, who hands them each a paper)
GREG
“Dont make me use this!”
JOSIE
“Mom always DID like you best!”
BRADLEY
“Don’t they know what Kinko's can do?”
EVERYONE
Want the lowdown on how to do a Hoedown
So I’ll improve on what I knew.
And I hope you’ll hear my plea
And you will teach me –
TONY
All I know!
JOSIE
Way to go!
DREWCTOR CAREY
What to do!
EVERYONE
Want the lowdown on how to do a Hoedown
So I’ll improve on what I knew.
And I hope you’ll hear my plea
And you will teach me –
TONY
All I kno-o-o-o-w!
ALL
Whoa-oh-oh…
JOSIE
Way to go!
ALL
Hey, hey, hey …
DREWCTOR CAREY
What … to … do!
RIFF RYAN/MOCHGENTO
Hoe …dowwwwwwwwwn.
(Tony gets up from the table. He pulls the tablecloth off, revealing … a tape recorder that begins playing Hoedown music. Everyone backs away from the table. Bradley rushes over to Josie, looking for pointers on how to improvise a Hoedown. Tony sees them together.)
TONY
Oh, Bradley! How can you listen to her instead of me?
(Runs over and separates Josie and Bradley. Josie turns and runs, Tony chasing her. Greg grabs the back of Drewctor Carey’s desk chair and pushes it, following Tony and Josie.)
DREWCTOR CAREY
(pointing)
This way! This way!
(Greg heads for the elevator as Tony chases Josie up the stairs. Riff Ryan and Mochgento laugh at the scene.)
song: “Josie Girl”
(to the tune of “Wise up,
Janet Weiss/Planet Schmanet Janet”)
TONY
Well, you’ve got me
In quite a whirl,
You’ve messed my plans up,
Josie girl.
I’m an oyster
And you’re a pearl.
You’ve messed my plans up,
Josie girl.
Bradley was mine,
A comic wit so fine!
Then you improvised
And made him wise,
Undid everything I taught him,
When he asked you,
Couldn’t you have fought him?
(Josie and Tony enter the lab through the hole in the wall as Greg and Drewctor Carey exit the elevator.)
But you had to teach,
Now I’m gonna hurl.
You’ve messed my plans up,
Josie girl.
With the censor, you’ll be no more…
(Tony throws a switch on the monitor board; Josie, Drewctor Carey, and Greg all stop where they are. Red tape encircles their feet and Drewctor Carey’s chair.)
JOSIE
My feet – I can’t move my feet!
DREWCTOR CAREY
My casters! My god, I can’t move my casters!
GREG
It’s as if our creativity has been frozen!
TONY
It has! So improvise your way out of THIS one!
JOSIE
We’re censored!
TONY
It’s something I’m not used to! A chance to say ‘fuck’ can be nice!
(Mochgento, Riff Ryan, Carolinbia and Bradley all enter the lab through the hole in the wall. Mochgento and Riff Ryan walk over to the monitor board.)
DRWCTOR CAREY
You won’t find improvisors as easy to censor as you seem to think they are. This censorship switch, it is I suppose some sort of American family viewing device?
GREG
You mean …?
DREWCTOR CAREY
Yes, Greg. It’s something we’ve been trying to avoid for quite some time. But it seems our friend here has found a means of trapping us in it. A device that is capable of breaking down solid comedy and then twisting it into something sanitized and who knows, perhaps even completely unfunny.
JOSIE
You mean … we’ll be duller than a tea cozy?
TONY
Cozy, schmosie, Josie!
(Tony gets very close to Josie, leering at her. She leans away as much as she can.)
TONY
You messed my plans up, Josie girl.
You messed my plans up,
Get your hands up,
You messed my plans up …
CLIVENOLOGIST
And then she cried out …
JOSIE
Get away from me!!!!!
(Tony stumbles over to the monitor board.)
TONY
Don’t try to improvi-ise,
It would not be wi-ise…
GREG
I’ll improvise,
I’ll say things to make your teeth chatter,
Tony Slatter!
(Tony nods at Mochgento, who flips a switch on the monitor board that says “pause button”. Greg is turned into a statue.)
DREWCTOR CAREY
I’ll improvise,
I’ll say things to make your teeth chatter,
Tony Slatter!
(Drewctor Carey is paused)
JOSIE
I’ll improvise …
(Josie is paused)
CAROLINBIA
My god, I can’t stand any more of this! First, you stop teaching me so you can teach Mikey. Then you throw him out like a has-been for Bradley! You toss people aside every time you see what you perceive as a better talent! … I admired you … D’ya hear me? I admired you! And what did it get me? Yeah, I’ll tell you, a supporting role! You’re like a svengali, always looking for a bigger and better star to groom in your image! Yeah, well I’ve had enough! You’ve got to choose between me and Bradley, your precious creation who preferred Josie to you!
(Tony looks at Mochgento and nods. Carolinbia is paused.)
TONY
It’s not easy putting on a good show.
(Looks up at Bradley and nods. Bradley is paused.)
TONY
Even laughing makes my face ache. And my children turn on me! Bradley’s behaving just the way that Mikey did! Do you think I made a mistake, splitting his talent between the two of them?
MOCHGENTO
(marching up to Tony, followed by Riff Ryan)
Och, I grow weary of this rehearsal! When shall we have an actual show, huh?
TONY
Mochgento, I am indeed grateful to both you and your best friend Riff Ryan. You have both served me well. Production values such as yours shall not go unrewarded. You will discover that when the mood takes me, I can be quite generous with the spotlight.
MOCHGENTO
I ask for nothing, master.
TONY
And you shall receive it, in the credits!
(Tony goes into the elevator.)
TONY
I’m going to do a show now, but with that attitude, you two can’t be in it!
(Tony ascends in the elevator. Riff Ryan and Mochgento give each other knowing looks, then leave through the hole in the wall.)
(Cut to: The Clivenologist)
CLIVENOLOGIST
And so, by some extraordinary coincidence, fate it seems has decided that our next game shall be the very one our performers most dread – a Hoedown. And while it shall be most entertaining for the audience, for the four of you I suspect it will be … no picnic.
(Cut To: The ballroom, now done up like a theater. The stage looks suspiciously like the Whose Line stage, but without the chairs and tables. The four paused figures of Carolinbia, Bradley, Greg and Josie are on the stage, all now dressed in “Doc Holliday” outfits similar to Tony’s. Drewctor Carey is sitting backstage in his chair. Tony crosses the stage wearing a robe, inspecting the figures. He goes backstage and turns on all the stage lights. Hoedown music begins. Tony flips a switch that ‘unpauses’ each person right before they sing their verse.)
song: “Rose Tints My Hoedown”
(to the tune of … a Hoedown,
of course!)
CAROLINBIA
When I first arrived here,
I knew the show was great.
Tony swore he’d teach me,
make my improv first-rate!
But to my sorrow,
My teacher let me down.
And now I’m stuck here on
stage
Performing a Hoedown!
BRADLEY
Well, Tony just created me
seven hours ago,
He sought to make a comic
wit
To present on his show.
He thought that he had me,
He thought his life was
rosy,
Little did he know that I’d
Rather be taught by Josie!
GREG
Oh, I should be in
Edinburgh,
Performing comedy.
And how we ended up here,
Is simply beyond me.
I want to end this hoedown,
And I want to go home,
And what annoys me most
Is we still haven’t used the
phone!
JOSIE
This place is really not
that bad
From my point of view.
Because we get to improvise,
Our favorite thing to do!
I think I could stay here,
And live quite happily,
If I could just get Tony
To stop hitting on me!
ALL FOUR
Stop hitting on meeeee!
(They move to the side of the stage. A fanfare sounds. The curtain behind them rises, revealing steps leading up to a giant picture of the “line guys”. Tony is at the top of the stairs, dressed in jeans and a brown jacket with fringes. The fanfare ends.)
song: “Just Be Wise, Improvise”
(to the tune of “Don’t Dream
It, Be It”)
TONY
Whatever happened to T.V.?
That thing through which we achieved fame.
As I flip through the shows,
How my agony grows.
‘Cause all of these sitcoms seem just the same.
(starts to walk down the stairs.)
Give yourself over to improvisation,
Laugh loud and snicker at all that we do.
There’s joy and laughter
Beyond any measure,
And creativity
To give you such pleasure.
Can’t you just feel it?
Ha, ha, haaaaa!
Oh!
(Tony jumps in the air and lands on the soft stage, lolling on his back as he stares dreamily at the ceiling.)
TONY
Just be wise, Improvise.
Just be wise, Improvise.
Just be wise, Improvise…
(The other four onstage turn and walk towards Tony, joining him in the song. They all sit on the bottom step and wrap arms around each other, as if singing a campfire song. Tony stays on the floor.)
ALL
Just be wise, Improvise.
Just be wise, Improvise.
Just be wise, Improvise…
(Drewctor Carey is somehow unfrozen.)
DREWCTOR CAREY
Man, we’ve got to get off of this show, before this … comedy saps our wills. I’ve got to be strong, and try to … hang on … or my willpower may well snap … and I’ll just do comedy …
(Overcome, he stands up from the chair and sings into a microphone that is on a stand near him.)
For the thriiiiiiiills!
ALL
Just be wise, Improvise.
GREG
No comedy? That’s beyond me!
JOSIE
God bless Clive Anderson!
song: “Wild About Comedy”
(to the tune of “Wild and
Untamed Thing”)
TONY
(standing up)
I’m just wild about comedy,
I love to improvise, you
see.
It is my favorite activity,
Just one laugh makes me feel
so free!
So let the laughter and the cheers go on,
And we will keep it up from dusk ‘till dawn.
Improv’s my world,
It keeps me safe while I’m going insane.
(The other four all stand up and join Tony in what is essentially a kickline. Drewctor Carey, now able to walk, joins the end of the line.)
ALL
We’re just wild about
comedy,
We love to improvise, you
see.
It is our favorite activity,
Just one laugh makes us feel
so free!
So let the laughter and the cheers go on,
And we will keep it up from dusk ‘till dawn.
Improv’s my world,
It keeps us safe while we’re going insane.
(They dance in a line around the stage before returning to the center.)
ALL
We’re just wild about
comedy,
We love to improvise, you
see.
It is our favorite activity,
Just one laugh makes us feel
so free!
So let the laughter and the cheers go on,
And we will keep it up from dusk ‘till dawn.
Improv’s my world,
It keeps us safe while we’re going insane.
(The door at the far end of the ballroom opens, stopping the performers in their tracks. Riff Ryan and Mochgento burst in, both dressed as Uncle Sam. Mochgento is waving a small Canadian flag.)
RIFF RYAN
Ton-y-Slatter,
You don’t matter.
BBC’s claiming failure,
They think that you’re too extreme.
I’m your new producer,
You’re now being censored.
We take this show to America,
To start with a new team!
TONY
Wait! … I can explain.
(Riff Ryan and Mochgento look at Tony doubtfully. Tony whispers to Carolinbia, who goes and aims a spotlight on him. Greg, Josie, Drewctor Carey, and Bradley stand in a corner of the stage. They all sing the words in brackets.)
song: “I Feel at Home”
(to the tune of “I’m Going
Home”)
TONY
Comedy cannot leave me.
[Ha, ha, ha …]
It’s all I want to be.
[Ha, ha, ha …]
I want to laugh and just … be free.
[Ha, ha, ha …]
Smile, and that will mean you see …
‘Cause I’ve heard – oh! - cheering crowds
When I’ve taken all my bows.
And I know that now …
I feel at home.
[I feel at home.]
(Tony begins to fantasize. A large crowd appears in the empty theater seats. Tony sits on the edge of the stage.)
TONY
Everywhere, it’s been the same.
[Laughing…]
I tell jokes with perfect aim.
[Laughing…]
And I’ve gone to high acclaim.
[Laughing…]
To just quit would cause such pain.
‘Cause I’ve heard – oh! - cheering crowds
When I’ve taken all my bows.
And I know that now …
I feel at home.
[I feel at home.]
(Tony begins to walk up the middle aisle. Everyone in the audience stands as he passes them. He reaches the end of the aisle and turns to face the crowd.)
TONY
I feel at … hooooome.
(The crowd cheers. Tony smiles and acknowledges their applause.)
MOCHGENTO
How sentimental.
(Tony turns towards Riff Ryan and Mochgento with a start, having forgotten they were there. He looks at the theater, to see the imaginary crowd has vanished. Riff Ryan and Mochgento begin to walk towards Tony, who walks backwards towards the stage.)
RIFF RYAN
Though it wasn’t very funny, I’m afraid. You see, when I said “we” were going to America, I was referring only to the Americans.
(nudged by Mochgento)
… and Canadians. You see, the American audience is dull and stupid, and they get confused by British accents. So it’s to be an all-American show.
(Tony falls backwards onto the stage, unhurt but startled.)
GREG
That’s rather harsh, don’t you think? I mean, some Americans are like that, but most of them aren’t. Who told you they were?
DREWCTOR CAREY
The network did. They think all Americans need to be catered to and have everything explained to them or they won’t get it.
RIFF RYAN
Exactly, Drewctor Carey. I wouldn’t mind having Brits on the show, but I didn’t make the rules.
TONY
Then who did?
A VOICE FROM BACKSTAGE
I did!
(Everyone turns as a man steps out from backstage. He’s in black pants, a black shirt, and a blue blazer.)
MAN
Well, really, the network did, but they won’t broadcast the show if we don’t do it their way, and I want to produce it in America, so gotta do what they say.
TONY
You’re …. You’re …
DREWCTOR CAREY
Dan Patterson!
GREG
Not … the producer!
DAN
Yes, that’s right. And I must say, that was an excellent show you just did. So now, why don’t we do some pickups, hmm? A few audience reaction shots - just do something funny, they'll laugh - and some re-shoots of game intros ... we'll be done in about an hour - and no going to the bathroom until we're done!
ALL
Pickups???
(Carolinbia screams at the thought of pickups and runs from the room.)
TONY
I’m with her! Have fun in America everyone, goodbye!
(Tony rushes from the room.)
DAN
Well, do the rest of you want to do a U.S. show?
(They all start talking at once.)
DREW
Can I host?
GREG
Can I insult the host?
JOSIE
I have such a long way to go. Can I just do guest appearances?
BRADLEY
Can I sing?
RIFF RYAN
Do we really have to do Hoedowns?
MOCHGENTO
Do I have to play a woman in EVERY game?
DAN
Yes, yes, we’ll answer all that later. But for now, we have to do pickups from this show!
(For a moment, the room falls silent.)
RIFF RYAN
Gee, I’d love to, but …
GREG
I just remembered …
JOSIE
I have to be somewhere …
MOCHGENTO
Yeah, I have to … uh …
ALL
Bye!
(Everyone except Dan turns and runs from the room.)
(Cut to: The outside of the castle. Everyone is running out of it, half exhausted and half laughing. They all collapse on the grass.)
song: “Comedians”
(to the tune of
“Superheroes”)
GREG
I’ve done a lot
Of comedy,
It is the best
Career for me.
And all I know,
Is how much I love
… laughter.
JOSIE
And comedians
Stand on stage,
It keeps them young
At any age.
And all I know,
Is that is what I’m
… after.
(The shot pulls outward, slowly showing the other comedians as they sit or lie on the ground. It fades into the Clivenologist’s study.)
CLIVENOLOGIST
Well, that’s an extra million points to each of you for having escaped the horror of pickups. And totaling up the scores, I see the winner of tonight’s show is Wayne Brady, for having had the good sense to stay out of it. And the prize for winning is to read the credits in the style of my choosing. I’d like you to do it in the same style you sang in the beginning. And so it just remains for me to thank everyone who participated in tonight’s show, and this is me, Clive Anderson, saying goodnight. Goodnight.
(Fade back to Wayne on the stage.)
song: “Hat Trick’s Improv Show -
reprise”
(to the tune of “Science
Fiction Double Feature - reprise”)
WAYNE
The show that’s
improvisation
Led to this story’s creation.
I hope that you found it
made you smile,
And that you did laugh once
in a while.
Wha-oh-ha-ho-ohhhh.
Thanks to Hat Trick’s wild
and crazy improv show.
I wanna go,
Down to Hat Trick’s wild and
crazy improv show.
(Wayne bows. Fade out.)
THE
END
© 2001 Julie Barman
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