From   : Robert-Alain Chaput 
Source :
 
Homer wrecks his car and has to explain it to the insurance guy.

Insurance Guy : "O.K, now before I give you the check, I have just one 
                 more question. That place Moe's you were coming back 
                 from, that is a buisness of some sort..."

Homer Brain : "Don't say you were at a bar. BUT what else is open at 
               night."
Homer       : "I was at a pornography store, I was buying pornography."
Homer Brain : "Hehe, I would a never thought of that."



From   : ghicks@indy.net (George Hicks)
Source : Marge vs. The Monorail: (9F10)

"You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 
 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?"


From   : rekenil@aol.com (Rekenil)
Source :

"Life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish 
 Flanders was dead."


From   : shitlips@bbs.oslohd.no (Rune Jacobsen)
From   : doopsnog@aol.com (DoopSnog)
Source : 

One of the greater moments of the show has to be when Homer (can't 
remember the episode) is watching a commercial, one of those classic 
ones where they show you how they make chocolate bars.

TV    : "First, we take a delicious bar of chocolate.."
Homer : [In a trance] "Chocolate..!!"
TV    : "Then we wrap it in caramel (sp?).."
Homer : "Oooohh, sweeeet!"
TV    : "And finally, we dip it in rich, creamery butter".
Homer : "AAarhrhghlll..." [His head drops back, and he drools]

After that "Good Morning Burger" scene, with "rich, creamery butter", 
Lisa says:

Lisa  : "A subliminal idea can be planted in your mind without you even 
         knowing it."
Homer : "Lisa, that's a load of rich creamery butter."


From   : Moose78758
Source :

Homer: "Be quiet, Brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip"



From   : quinlanr@darwin.biology.QueensU.CA (Roberto Quinlan)
Source :

On a sort of related topic, wasn't there a time when Homer was 
going to give Bart a talk about the birds and the bees?  I only 
remember fragments of the conversation..

Something like this...

Homer : "You see, a woman is like a beer (chugs beer), because you NEED 
         MORE THAN ONE BEER!...(later, now dead drunk)...so I told him, 
         yeah, I'll get you your money, ya big baloney, you make me wanna 
         puke!  Ar..ah..gak..(now incoherent, passes out)."


From   : gino@xerox.com
Source : Cape Feare (9F22):

When The Simpsons are being changed to the Thompsons...

[Homer can't understand he is now Mr Thompson:]

Agent:  "Now when I say `Hello Mr. Thompson' and press down on your foot, 
         you smile and nod"
Homer:  "No problem."
Agent:  "Hello Mr. Thompson (and presses Homer's foot)"

[Homer has a blank stare, and then looks at other agent and whispers 
 loudly]

Homer : "I think he's talking to you"


From   : zcacchi@cs.ucl.ac.uk
Source :

Homer : "Sir? Ah, hello sir! Yes! You look like a man who needs help 
         satisfying his wife, so..."

[Sound of Homer recieving a massive smack]


From   : gahluwal@gpu2.srv.ualberta.ca (Gurmeet Ahluwalia)
Source :

How about when Bart set his teacher up with "Gordie Howe", and then 
the whole Simpson family started to write a note to break it off 
with her.

Homer : "Dear Baby. Welcome to Dumpsville.  Population: you...
         P.S. I'm Gay"


From   : dale@chch.planet.co.nz (Brett Dale)
Source :

Homer once said to Bart...

"If something is too hard,give it up. The moral my boy is too never 
 try anything"



From   : mcdevitt.12@osu.edu (john McDevitt)
Source :

In the episode when Homer saves Springfield from the 
runaway monorail.

Homer : "AHHH. Donuts. . . What can't they do."


From   : charles ernst (cernst@d.umn.edu)
Source : Three Men and a Comic Book (7F21):

When Bart tries to ask Homer to give him some money to buy the first 
issue of "Radioactive Man"

Homer : "A hundred bucks for a comic book?  Who drew it, Michaelmelangelo?"


From   : charles ernst (cernst@d.umn.edu)
Source : Bart the Lover (8F16):

Advice to Bart on how to break up with Mrs. Krabapple...

Homer : "I've got three words for you, 'I am gay'"


From   : gail hanson-mayer (zepab@msn.com)
Source : 

My favorite quote is from the episode where Homer goes back to school 
The Dean asks Homer to leave the his office very nicely then..
 
Homer :(on way out of office) That dirty dean!! I'll get him

[Homer leaves and Dean's phone rings]

Dean  : Hello
Homer : [In ridiculous but hilarious voice] Hello Dean, you are a 
        stupid head
Dean  : Is that you Homer? 

[Dean then sees Homer at the pay phone, Homer shrieks and runs away]


From   : Steve Kaiser (skaiser@tpo.org)
Source : 

One of my favorites, which I'll have to paraphrase since I haven't 
seen the episode recently.  It's the one where Bart gets a Big 
Buddy because he's mad at Homer, and then Homer goes to get a 
Little Buddy for revenge on Bart.

[Homer is talking to a lady from Big Buddies]

Lady          : "So why do you want to become a Big Buddy?"
Homer's Brain : "Don't say revenge!  Don't say revenge!
Homer         : "Umm, revenge."
Homer's Brain : "I'm getting outta here."

[Sound of chair scraping on floor, footsteps, and door 
 opening and closing]

From   : kwcgh@ix.netcom.com (Kyle Harris )
Source : 

Homer: "The other day I was so desperate for a beer, I 
        snuck into the football stadium and ate the 
        dirt under the bleachers."


From   : Ian Pugh (donp@skypilot.microserve.com)
Source : And Maggie Makes Three (2F10):

[Homer and Marge are talking about how Maggie was born.]

Bart  : "Wow, Dad! You had a breakdown like a little sissy girl?"
Marge : "Actually, it isn't the first time this happened."

[Flashback, with Marge & Homer]

Homer : "You're Pregnant?! Aaaaaauuuggghhhh!"

[Tears out hair a bit and runs upstairs] 
[Second Flashback, with Bart and the two]

Homer : "You're pregnant AGAIN?!?! Aaaaaaaaauuuugggghhhh!"

[Tears out hair until it looks like it does now, and runs upstairs]

From   : Ian Pugh (donp@skypilot.microserve.com)
Source : Lady Bouvier's Lover (1421):

Homer and Marge discuss about Grampa having a crush on Grandma 
Bouvier.

Marge : "Homer, what do you think about this?"
Homer : "I'm damn opposed with the whole thing."
Bart  : "He's damn opposed. DAMN DAMN DAMN opposed!"
Marge : "Bart! Homer- why would you be opposed with love?"
Homer : "Marge- THINK! If my dad and your mom get married, we'll 
         be brother and sister! Think what will the children will 
         be like! The'll be freaks! They'll have flesh-colored 
         skin, diffrent colored hair and five fingers on each 
         hand!"

[Homer fantasizes the kids as what Homer described]
Homer: "Aaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuugggggghhhhhhh!!!!!"

[Homer runs out of the room]

I'm not exactly sure about the wording.


From   : Gwyn Price (G.R.Price@cs.cf.ac.uk)
Source : 

This is from the Episode when Lisa and Bart play on rival Ice 
Hockey teams. Homer has just been told Lisa has joined an Ice 
Hockey team.
 
"If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, its 
 that girls should stick to girl's sports, such as hot oil 
 wrestling foxy boxy and such and such..."


From   : "Morten Hgh" (bc947064@bbar.dtu.dk)
Source : 

[Homer meets flanders for the first time...]

Flanders : "Hedelyhoo there, My name is Ned Flanders ... but 
            my friends call me Ned."
Homer    : "Hiya Flanders."

[Homer walks away ...]


From   : Oliver Dueck (102534.2511@compuserve.com)
Source : 

[Homer looking at globe, spots Uruguay]

Homer : "Ha ha! Look at this country! 'You are gay'! Ha ha!"

I don't think this is the direct quote, but its something like that.


From   : Erick Thomas Swanson (etswanso@eos.ncsu.edu)
Source : 

The episode where Bart mistakenly sent a letter to Mr. Burns
and Homer is at the Post Office posing as Mr. Burns in order
to get it...

Homer         : [In a silly voice] "Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. 
                I'm here to pick up a letter."
Postal Worker : "Your first name?"
Homer         : [In silly voice] "I don't know."


From   : Erick Thomas Swanson (etswanso@eos.ncsu.edu)
Source : 

The episode where Marge has forced Homer and the rest of the
family to go vegetarian...

Homer : "Ohh.. How come the dog gets to eat meat?"
Marge : "Homer, that dog food's mostly made out of snouts and entrails."

Homer [drooling] :  "Mmmmmm...  snouts."               


From   : ansmith@sas.upenn.edu (Anthony Q Smith)
Source :

This is from the episode where Bart gives blood to Mr. Burns.  
Homer is trying to convince Bart to go through with the blood 
donation.

Homer : "Bart, have I ever told you the story of Hercules and the Lion?"
Bart  : "Is it a Bible story?"
Homer : "Probably.  Anyway, once upon a time there was a big mean lion,
         and he got a thorn in his paw.  All the villagers tried to pull
         it out, but none of them were strong enough.  So they got
         Hercules, and he used his mighty strength and BOOM! Anyway, the
         lion was so grateful to Hercules that he gave him a big...thing
         of riches."

Bart  : "How did a lion get rich?"
Homer : "It was the olden days! Anyway..."


From   : cvandyke@seds.LPL.Arizona.EDU (Technology Student)
Source :

Homer : "Moe, my friend has this problem with another woman and he
         needs some advice."
Moe   : "What's his name Homer?"
Homer : "Uh, it's Billy-Joe-Bob-Jack-Jimmy-Beetle-Bob Smith, Yeah."
Moe   : "Homer, that's the stupidest name I ever heard."

[Man runs out of the bar crying]

From   : skypilot@ibcco.com (Pugh, Don)
Source : $pringfield (or, How I stopped worrying and love 
         legalized gambling) (1F08)

[Homer is Sleeping in His Bed]

Lisa  : [Off Screen] "Dad! [Comes Running on screen] I had a Bad Dream!"
Homer : [In A Comforting Voice] "Oh, Lisa. You just lay down and tell 
        me all about it."
Lisa : "I know this seems absurd, but I was dreaming that the 
        boogieman was chasing me and..."
Homer: "AUGH! Boogieman!"

[Runs to Bart's Room, and goes close to Bart]

Homer : "Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but we may have an 
         ordeal involving a Boogieman or BoogieMEN in the house!"
Bart  : "Aaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuugggggghhhh!!!"

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