The First CD, Tour, and the Criminal Proceedings That Accompanied Them.
So Fate, being the spoiled brat that he was, got his way again. Nick, Dave, and Chris formed a band with Nick on Accoustic guitar, Dave on Bass, and Chris singing his lil' heart out. They didn't let the fact that they didn't have a drummer dishearten them; drummers were a dime a dozen in the city and still cheaper in some rural areas. So they bought themselves a drummer, conned a record company, and began work on their first CD which was to be called Buy This or We Come to Your House and Shoot You. The name was the brainchild of several...aggressive marketing agents who had spent time as either Hell's Angels or Maddona's boyfriend. Obviously, they were overqualified.
The CD featured something that was an unappreciated skill in the music industry: None of the songs were original. Taking a cue from Puff Daddy, the band stole music from some of the finer bands like: Devo, Milli Vanilli, and Styx. The same marketing genius that had come up with the title of the CD also lept upon the problem of the music sucking. They made up for it by packaging the CD with a flyer that expanded on the CD's title, including threats against family members, friends, and housepets. The flyer ended with the following closing remark:

"Please purchase this CD as watching your family held at gunpoint while a Seven foot tall Italian man known only as Guido pounds your head against the coffe table (we know you own one; we're watching you now) and a large rabid Doberman rips at your tender underbelly often offends. If you're thinking about putting this CD back down, ask yourself: 'Where is my family right now?' Thank you for your good taste in music."

Though few believed the note at first, most grew tired of waking up to the sound of gunfire in the room next to theirs and the hushed breathing over the phone and bought the CD. After the number of missing DJ's skyrocketed, the Toasters were able to gain much more airplay. Finally a tour was announced. Since the Cast Iron Toasters couldn't play any of their music near someone that might actually hear and have them arrested, their agent worked double time finding a place were virtually no modern music had been heard. One day, he called them into his office.
"Alright boys," he began. "There is one place in the world where none of the music you play has been heard. You're going to Estonia!"
There was much rejoicing, followed by questions of where they were going in Estonia.
"You'll be hitting all of the hotspots in the country, and you leave tonight." the agent answered.
"When do we come home?" Nick asked.
"Tomorrow."
And so the Cast Iron Toasters Tour '98 hit the road. The only hotspot in the country turned out to belong to Bolskeviclia Stlanic, the one man who owned a fire place. Despite the setbacks though, the Cast Iron Toasters ended up being the biggest thing to hit Estonia since Communism.
When the band stepped off the plane in the US, they were not met by mobs of adoring fans. Instead they were greeted by mobs of adoring police men who carted them away from some crap called plagerism. The next CD and tour are to be released in three years; two on good behavior.


Back