Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you
remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man, at
the dance, so and so went behind the gym and they got to second base!"
Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue
kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the bases tended
to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to
do?
Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball analogies to describe
sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in
today's day and age of sex-play. So, in the interests of both bringing
baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern
romance and with standardizing the bases, we present: the Standardized
Guide to the Bases.
First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days:
FIRST BASE - This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew
thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and
sometimes not.
SECOND BASE - Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or
outside the clothes genital contact.
THIRD BASE - Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your
partner.
HOME RUN - This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the
times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.
Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed
sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors
enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact
definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions
and present without further ado:
Standardized Baseball Guide to Sex
(THE BASICS)
On Deck - Having plans for a date
Strike-Out - Duh!! (No Date)
Walk - Kissing / No Tongues
Single - Tongue kissing
Double - Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and
feels.
Triple - Most of the clothes off, possible genital contact, mutual
masturbation.
Home Run - SEX!
Bunt - Masturbation
Foul tip - VD
Three up and three down - impotency.
Inside the park home run - Oral Sex.
Pre-Game Warm-up - Fore-play.
Ground Rule Double - would have sex, but no condom.
Balk - Premature ejaculation.
Error - Condom breaks during sex.
Double Play - Having two partners at the same time.
Loaded Bases - manage a trois.
Ground Out - Moving for first base but partner says.... "Not on a
first date."
Banned for life for gambling - sex without condom.
Score Card - Number of times you orgasm vs. number of times partner
orgasms.
Grand Slam - Sex three times in twelve hours.
(FIELD TERMS)
Pine Tar - Synthetic Lubrication
Relief pitcher - Vibrator
Pinch Runner - Tag-team sex with your roommate
Fast ball - Three strokes DONE!
Pickle - Getting caught cheating on a partner
Getting the signals crossed - Moving in for the home run and ending up
with a strike out.
Box Seats - Waterbed
Seventh Inning Stretch - Unusual positions
Rain Delay - parents/roommate return home unexpectedly.
Stranding the runner - You orgasm, your partner doesn't.
(LEAGUE TERMS)
Spectator - Peeping Tom
Forfeit - Date stands you up
Out of play - That time of the month
Cleared the bases - Changed the sheets
Bleacher Seats - Roommate's perspective while you are going at it
Suspended - Partner says they need some time alone
Being Traded - Being dumped for someone else
Free Agent - Recently dumped, currently unattached
Disabled list - Done it so much you can't stand
Ejected from game - Partner throws you off during rodeo sex
(THE PLAYERS)
Rookie - Virgin
Veteran - Prostitute
Talent Agent - Pimp
Scout - Someone scoping out your partner on a date
Minor Leagues - Under 18
All Stars Game - Doing it with your X while still going out with your
present
Switch Hitter - Sex with her one night, and her brother the next.
Hall of Fame - When you ask if "Was it good for you" and they say
"YES!!!"
Now that we have the definitions, let's quickly contrast the old
confusion with current clarity:
OLD WAY - We, um got to third base, I guess and then we, um got like
past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her...
NEW WAY - First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park
home run, and started thinking, it's Hall of Fame time!
OLD WAY- Well, I sorta thirded with Jill and Heather, but then I home
runned by myself so then Tommy...
NEW WAY - So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I
balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in
a relief pitcher.
© 1996 gspies@udel.edu
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