AssholeLaser Gunner: Sorry sir. Doing my best. Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner? Major Asshole: I did sir. He's my cousin. Dark Helmet: Who is he? Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole sir. Dark Helmet: I know that!....What's his name? Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir, Major Asshole Dark Helmet: and his cousin? Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too sir: Gunner's mate, first class, Philip Asshole Dark Helmet: How many assholes we got on this ship anyhow? The Crew: YO!!!! Dark Helmet: I knew it, I'm surrounded by assholes [Dark Helmet pulls his mask down] Dark Helmet: Keep firing assholes!! To the top |
Dark HelmetDark Helmet: [mask down] Now, we will show her who is in charge of this galaxy. [Guard loads his weapon.] Dark Helmet: Hold it. I'll handle this personally. Guard: Jawohl, Lord Helmet. Dark Helmet: [looks at him] So, Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball. Well, you were wrong. You are now our prisoner, and you will held hostage until such time, as all of the air is transferred from your planet to ours. [Helmet opens the door and looks inside. He lifts his mask up.] Dark Helmet: [mask up] She's not in there! [All the guards drop their guns and cover their crouches.] Voice [O.S.]: Radar repaired, sir. We're picking up the outline of a Winnebago. Dark Helmet: Winnebago? Lone Starr. Lone Starr! [Dark Helmet bangs on the car. The door falls on him, pushing him inside.] |
DecisionsI can't make decisions! I am a president |
DotBarf:[wakes up] Abandon ship! Abandon ship! Women and Mogs first! [Dot walks over to Vespa and Lone Starr] Dot: (to Lonestarr)We'll have none of that mister! (to Vespa)Are you alright? What'd he touch, what he touch? Vespa: Nothing! Lonestarr: What the hell was that noise? Dot: That was my virgin alarm. It's programed to go off before you do. |
Family ReunionLone Starr: Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time. [thinks about what he said] Yeah. Dark Helmet: Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr. Lone Starr: What? Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former room-mate. Lone Starr: What's that make us? Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing. |
Fast-forwardColonel Sandurz: That's too early. Prepare to fast-forward! Video Operator: Preparing to fast-forward! Colonel Sandurz: Fast-forward! Video Operator: Fast-forwarding, Sir! |
Hairfused. He hands his gun to Vespa]. Lone Starr: Here, you hold 'em off. I'll get the door. Vespa: I ain't shootin' this thing. I hate guns. [A soldier fires at Vespa's hair. The laser blasthits it.] Dot: Ah. Vespa: My hair. He shot my hair. Son of a bitch.[she cocks the gun] [Vespa walks toward the soldiers. She starts firing at the them. She hits every one of them. Barf and Lone Starr looks up.] Barf: Holy shit. Vespa: [blows the barrel] How was that. Lone Starr: Not bad. Barf: Not bad for a girl. Dot: Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo. Vespa: Let's blow this joint. |
LightspeedHelmet: No, no, light speed is too slow. Sandurz: Light speed too slow? Helmet: Yes, we'll have to go right to...Ludicrous speed! Sandurz:Ludicrous speed! Sir, we've never gone that fast before. I don't think the ship can take it. Helmet: What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz...CHICKEN?! |
Mega-maid |
Moneyhave both and you know it... |
NowColonel Sandurz: Now, You're looking at now sir...Everything that happens now is happening now. Dark Helmet: What happened to then? Colonel Sandurz: We passed it. Dark Helmet:When. Colonel Sandurz:Just now... We're at now now. Dark Helmet: Go back to then? Colonel Sandurz: When? Dark Helmet: Now. Colonel Sandurz: Now? Dark Helmet: Now. Colonel Sandurz:I can't Dark Helmet: Why? Colonel Sandurz: We missed it. Dark Helmet: When? Colonel Sandurz: Just now. Dark Helmet: When will then be now? Colonel Sandurz: Soon! Dark Helmet: How soon? Technician: Sir! Dark Helmet: What? Technician: We've identified their location! Dark Helmet: Where? Technician: It's the moon of Vega Colonel Sandurz: Good work. Set a course and prepare for our arrival Dark Helmet: When? Technician: Nineteen hundred hours, sir! Colonel Sandurz: By high noon tomorrow they will be our prisoners! Dark Helmet: WHO?!?! [Face mask falls in front of face] |
Princess VespaPrincess Vespa: Cute! I know these space bums, they're all alike! Fat, ugly... Lonestar: Buck toothed, knock-kneed... Princess Vespa: Beer swilling pigs! Lonestar: A Horse-faced space dog! |
RadarDark Helmet: What's wrong with it? Radar Operator: I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps. Dark Helmet and Colonel Sandurz: The what?, the what?, and the what? Radar Operator: You know.. The bleeps..... The sweeps.... and the creeps. Dark Helmet: That's not all he's lost. Radar Operator: Sir. The radar, sir. It appears to be ... Jammed! Dark Helmet: Jammed. ... Raspberry. Dark Helmet: There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry. Dark Helmet: LONE STAR... |
Self DestructThis is your last chance to push the cancellation button. Skroob : Cancellation button? Hurry. [They all slide down a ladder. They run to the center of the ship.] Dark Helmet : Where is it? Where is it. Sandurz: It's gotta be here. [Sandurz opens a panel to the self-destruct cancellation button. It has a sign on that says, "Out of Order."] Sandurz : Out of order? Dark Helmet : Fuck. Even in the future nothing works. |
Stop this thingHelmet is being pulled back.] Dark Helmet : Whoaaa! What have I done? My brains are going into my feet. Dark Helmet : We passed them. Stop this thing. Sandurz : We can't stop. It's too dangerous. We have to slow down first. Dark Helmet : Bullshit. Just stop this thing. I order you. Stooooop! [Sandurz pulls on emergency brake which reads, "Emergency Stop, never use." The ship stops and Dark Helmet goes flying into a panel.] Sandurz : [picks Helmet up] Are you all right, sir? Dark Helmet : Fine. How've you been? Sandurz : Fine, sir. Dark Helmet : Good. Sandurz : It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet. Dark Helmet : Yeah. Sandurz : What should we do now, sir? Dark Helmet : Well, are we stopped? Sandurz : We're stopped, sir. Dark Helmet : Good. Well, why don't we take a five minute break. Sandurz : Very good, sir. Dark Helmet : Smoke if you got 'em. [falls forward] |
Temple of DoomBarf: Looks like the Temple of Doom! Dot: Well, it sure ain't Temple Beth Israel! |
Wedding 1Val.. Sorry, its the hair.. Prince Vallium in... |
Wedding 2here which has nothing to do with love. Please be quiet. Vespa: I'm sorry. Roland: I'm sorry. Valium: I'm sorry, too. Bishop: Don't be sorry, be quiet! Vespa, Rroland & Valium: I'M SORRY!!! |
Winnebago |
YogurtSandurz: I'll call the attack squad, sir. Helmet: No, we can't go in there. Yogurt has the Schwartz. It's far too powerful. Sandurz: But, sir, your ring. Don't you have the Schwartz, too? Helmet: No, he got the up-side. I got the down-side. You see, there's two kinds of every Schwartz. |