10. "I couldn't make it into Riverdance, so I thought I'd try this instead."
9. "I've done some tap but never any actual Irish stepdancing -- gee whiz, how hard can it be?"
8. "The real reason I want to be a Warrior is to meet the Colleens."
7. "The real reason I want to be a Colleen is to meet the Warriors."
6. "Beavis and I -- heh heh -- think you dudes are just the coolest! So where do you, like, keep the Guinness? Heh heh."
5. "The only thing I insist on while on tour is my own private suite with a jacuzzi."
4. "Sign autographs? We're too good for that kind of nonsense, aren't we?"
3. "Yep, I've got the most ballet sensuality and matador swagger you've ever seen!"
2. "Ever since I saw you guys performing at Eurovision and the MTV Music Awards, I knew I had to be a part of it."
1. "Hi, I'm Jean Butler."

10. "We appreciate your desire to 'jazz up' the show, Moya, but wouldn't featuring a Celtic virgin sacrifice be a bit much?"
9. "It's Mr. Hardiman on the phone, Moya -- he wants to thank you for the offer to write new music for the show, but he says he'd rather choke to death on a potato."
8. "The costume designer's on the phone, Moya -- he wants to know what color bikinis you want for the female dancers."
7. "Hello, Colin, Moya here. We've been trying to land you a movie role, but all we've got so far is the title role in 'Leprechaun VI: The Curse of the Shamrock'."
6. "Your Grammy award for the original soundtrack was certainly a big achievement, but we feel that a new composer could add SO much to the show. Bill, meet John Tesh."
5. "To liven up our guestbook, why don't we offer free key chains to people posting more than 25 words a day?"
4. "Unlike that 'other show', we want to stay true to our Irish roots; therefore, having Conan O'Brien do stand-up comedy right after 'Firedance' would be quite appropriate, in my opinion."
3. "It's Prime Minister Zammi on the phone, Moya -- she wants to know if we'll surrender before her army invades Dublin next St. Patrick's Day."
2. "To add some punch to the finale, how about having Maria Pages run around yelling 'Si! Si! Si!'?"
1. "That's right, Tonya -- we'll give you $50,000 if you can whack Michael across the knee with your crowbar."

10. "I keep forgetting, Cian, who's supposed to win our dancing duel?"
9. "We appreciate your desire to add your own style to the role of the Little Spirit, luv, but a saxophone just wouldn't look right."
8. "No, Mr. Carey, you're supposed to kiss the GOOD girl!"
7. "About half of you girls don't know what I'm holding because you've never needed to use it before, but this is armpit hair remover."
6. "Sorry for laughing, Cian, but watching you play the Dark Lord is like watching Howdy Doody play Darth Vader."
5. "The headband is fine, Mr. Carey, but you don't need the bandolier or the grenade belt -- you're supposed to be the Lord, not Rambo, for God's sake!"
4. "We understand your enthusiasm for playing Saoirse, Areleen, but yelling 'Up yours, Moya!' at the finale just isn't proper."
3. "It's Moya Doherty on the phone -- she wants to remind us that she'll have four touring companies, and we only have two."
2. "We appreciate your desire to be a little different from Michael, Mr. Carey, but those neon pink leopard skin pants just don't cut it."
1. "The rumors about 'Flatleyland' are true, folks -- if you type in www.lordofthedance.com and click on this button, you'll get to something called the VB..."

10. Teach Helen Egan to play reveille on the bugle.
9. Sprinkle magic allergy dust.
8. Yell out, "Hey girls! Your VB heartthrob Jim Quinn finally posted his e-mail addy!"
7. Ask, "Has anyone seen my pet python? I lost him backstage."
6. Inquire, "My louse-infested dog slept on the stage last night -- has anyone disinfected it yet?"
5. Yell out, "Hey girls! That stud Shamus from California is backstage signing autographs!"
4. Have Michael Flatley announce, "If anyone is interested in touring Siberia with Troupe K, please remain on stage."
3. Yell out, "Hey girls! Babelicious Bruce the MF Widower is feeling lonely tonight!"
2. Scream, "Oh my God! The music towers are tipping over!"
1. Shout, "Begorrah, it's Guinness time! Last one to the pub's a rotten egg!"

10. You become the teacher's pet in Mary Francine's Bible class.
9. You think that "Board Jennifer" is the life of the party.
8. You become the official Welcoming Committee for new arrivals.
7. You start naming the rats after members of the Royal Court.
6. You don't mind eating moldy cheesecake.
5. Instead of a Flathead, you're known as a Flatbutt.
4. You hug yourself a lot.
3. (mens section) You change your name from Carl to Carla.
2. (womens section) You change your name from Carla to Carl.
1. You wonder why the Pointer Sisters visit so often but don't sing.

10. He changes the title of his upcoming movie from "Dream Dancer" to "Dream Hacker."
9. He begins referring to Riverdance as the "beta version" of LOTD.
8. Starting in Atlanta, the Warriors and the Warlords become the Netscape Guys and the Microsoft Guys, respectively.
7. Starting in Atlanta, the Dark Lord wears a Bill Gates mask.
6. Thanks to his habit of posting multiple times, the Dungeon becomes the most popular place in Flatleyland.
5. He fills in for Diarmaid on the weekends to prevent any further VB crashes.
4. He programs the world's first Irish stepdancing robot: Deep Green.
3. He boasts that his hard drive is bigger than Colin Dunne's.
2. He boasts that he can dance on any kind of stage, thanks to his "cross-platform compatibility."
1. He admits he doesn't "abstain" while on tour--he ALWAYS logs on to the VB within an hour after each performance.

10. He admits to being computer illiterate but suggests a way for Diarmaid to modify the CGI script program on the LOTD server to eliminate multiple posts.
9. He makes the Guinness Book of World Records for fastest typing speed in a chat room.
8. He logs on to Jeremy's chat under the pseudonym "Colin Dunne Wannabe."
7. He claims that healing energy makes him want to "prance outside and frolic in the daisies."
6. He admits, "I don't have a life outside of dancing, and that's why I'm here with you guys."
5. He confesses to having a secret crush on Moya Doherty.
4. He calls Troupe B a "bunch of spoiled brats who couldn't put up with my ego."
3. To improve his dancing, he says he'll start "abstaining" while on tour.
2. He asks the Court Jester to be his understudy in Troupe A.
1. He signs his posts, "With Love, respect and gratitude, Michael Flately."

10. An aerobic exercise program on ESPN: "Break Out Into Fitness With Bernadette Flynn and the Colleens."
9. A motivational book for women by Gillian Norris: "Who Says Blondes Have More Fun?"
8. A revamped late night talk show featuring Mr. Hardiman as bandleader: "Late Night With Conan and Ronan."
7. An instructional language video featuring the Warriors: "Learn Gaelic in One, Two, Three, Four Easy Steps!"
6. A promotional ad campaign for Avis Rent-A-Car featuring Michael Flatley. Slogan: "We Didn't Come Here to Finish Second."
5. A new Wheaties cereal box featuring the LOTD troupe. New slogan: "Breakfast of Irish Dance Champions."
4. A new Irish airline, FlatleyAir. Slogan: "The Wind is Always at Our Back."
3. "Hell's Kitchen" bakeries featuring the world's largest assortment of cheesecake.
2. The Flatley School of Irish Dance. In order to accustom themselves to using their arms, all students are required to learn the Macarena.
1. Lord of the Dance, The New Show. Featured lead dancer: Michael Flatley's clone (courtesy of Terry the Flathead geneticist).

10. "We love you, Ireland! Up with us and down with Moya!"
9. "... Up, up and awaaay, on our pretty 'Lord' balloon..."
8. "... Uptown girls, that's what we've got here!"
7. "... Up periscope! By jove, thar be that blasted ship, HMS Riverdance!"
6. "... Up-to-the-minute tour dates at www.lordofthedance.com!"
5. "... Upolu is the principal island of Western Samoa!"
4. "... UPS strike is over!"
3. "... Upset at getting sacked? Who, me?"
2. "... Up to my eyeballs in sweat, that's what I am!"
1. "... Up for a rockin' party? WE sure are!"

10. Wearing your Riverdance t-shirt by mistake.
9. Launching into an enthusiastic discussion of "poink."
8. Shouting to Karl, "My brother's in the Army and he can whip your sorry Marine a##!"
7. Asking Emma, "Say, luv, do you and Mufasa use the same hair coloring?"
6. Attempting to abduct Michael by giving him a Vulcan neck pinch.
5. Forgetting to remove the cheesecake from your teeth before smiling and asking for a kiss.
4. Imploring Michael to put his scribble where the sun don't shine.
3. Remarking, "You know, you might look better if you wore a goatee like Colin Dunne!"
2. Suggesting, "How 'bout hiring Jean Butler to be Saoirse in Troupe B?"
1. During The Kiss, forgetting your allergy to Bernini cologne and blasting a sneeze point blank.

10. Must be a world-class hugger and kisser.
9. Must be a world-class Elvis impersonator.
8. Must be able to go ten rounds with Mike Tyson and have enough energy afterward to pucker and sign autographs.
7. Must enjoy living on Planet Ireland.
6. Must love steak for breakfast everyday.
5. Must rival James Galway on the flute.
4. Must not be allergic to magic fairy dust.
3. Must have the serenity of a Buddhist monk when faced with pathetically misinformed interviewers.
2. Must have the flair of Gene Kelly, the poetry of Yeats, the warmth and grace of Princess Diana, and the heart of a lion.
1. Must be able to fix the kitchen sink.

10. Riverdance II--Michael's Revenge
9. Flatleydance
8. Turbo Tappers
7. Beauty and the B*tch
6. Erin Go Bra
5. Michael and the Amazing Technicolor Bolero Jacket
4. Bring in Da Noise, Bring in Da Celts
3. A Celtic Chorus Line
2. Men In Black Masks and Leather Pants
1. West Side of Dublin Story

10. My, You're a Doodyhead.
9. Madame of the Dungeon.
8. Mayo on Doughnuts.
7. Moronic Dumbkopf.
6. Moya Dulled-Her-Show-By-Sacking-Michael.
5. Snoop Doherty Doh.
4. Moya Doesn't Have a Star.
3. Mad As a Hatter.
2. Mom of Shannon Doherty.
1. More of the Dough For Me

10. Legions of True Dancers
9. Loads of Tapping Delight
8. Leather Over the Derriere.
7. Loss of the Dohertys
6. Less of the Drivel
5. Lamborghini's on the Driveway
4. Legs on Turbo Drive
3. Legging Onward Toward Dublin
2. Leaper of True Daring
1. Latching Onto the Dream.

10. Instead of riding in a limo, she and Michael depart on her broom after a show.
9. With a twitch of her nose, Michael's scribble turns into a John Hancock.
8. After Emma fashions a voodoo doll, Moya Doherty is suddenly stricken with a guilty conscience.
7. A magic spell is cast over the VB whereby all posters (excluding Red Fox) who omit their names and/or e-mail addys are turned into toads.
6. Upon her suggestion, Michael changes the Warlords into the Warlocks.
5. Upon her suggestion, Michael changes Morrighan the Temptress into Elvira, Mistress of the Dark Lord.
4. After following her instructions to click his heels twice, Michael discovers that he's not in Canada anymore.
3. With a wave of her wand, Moya the Wicked Witch screams "I'm melting!" and dissolves into a puddle of river water.
2. A mysterious new visitor appears on the VB: UK Glinda.
1. With her assistance, Michael eventually finds his pot of gold...somewhere over the rainbow.

10. "That hair coloring of yours looks absolutely fabulous! What brand is it?"
9. "While you were touring with the Chieftains, when did you first realize that you'd look so deadly dancing shirtless and wearing face paint?"
8. "If the British think that Yanks are cocky, don't you find it strange that O.J. Simpson got a better reception than you did?"
7. "Is it true that women now dominate the Internet thanks to your Visitors' Book?"
6. "Just for tonight, would you mind if we changed our name to the Red Fox News Network?"
5. "That letter you wrote yesterday in the Visitors' Book--just how many websites did it end up in?"
4. "Since I'm part Irish, don't you think that 'Crier of the Celts' has a nice ring to it?"
3. "Is it true that your fans are giving you a 'Book of Nightmares' for Halloween?"
2. "I noticed that your 'Book of Dreams' has a picture of a woman named Juliane on every page--a fan of yours, I presume?"
1. "Isn't 'Lord of the Dance' an Irish 'Dirty Dancing' already?"

10. At the Irish dancing school, you're put in a special class for the "rhythmically challenged."
9. When you practice at home, your family thinks you're stamping out cockroaches.
8. When competing at a feis, you always jig when you should have jagged.
7. You think the "MacArena" is an Irish dance.
6. You use your arms frequently while dancing--to pick yourself off the floor.
5. Your feet are registered as lethal weapons--and you don't know martial arts.
4. Your orthopedic surgeon suggests giving you two left feet to improve your dancing.
3. After your LOTD audition, Michael Flatley puts his arms around you and says, "You know, Emma could really use an assistant to help her keep up with the VB..."
2. You produce Eurovision song contests in Ireland.
1. You're listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for slowest tapping speed.

10. "Sure, as long as it ain't the Macarena!"
9. "Why not, as long as my arms don't have to be as stiff as boards."
8. "Certainly, but only if Moya doesn't try to copyright what we do."
7. "You betcha, darlin', but only if you give me a stolen kiss when we're through!"
6. "You talkin' 'bout the horizontal mambo, sweetie?"
5. "Sorry, but I don't have the sensuality of a ballet dancer or the swagger of a matador."
4. "Sorry, but I jittered my last bug a long time ago."
3. "Sorry, but I haven't foxed my trot in ages."
2. "I dunno, Lacy, I don't think I can keep up with you!"
1. "Do we get to break out?"

10. Send healing energy to Diarmaid Mac Aonghusa who's about to get a splitting headache from all our e-mail.
9. Learn to curse in Gaelic. Practice in Jeremy's chat room.
8. Hijack the Riverdance guestbook.
7. Indulge in your favorite comfort food: cheesecake laced with Prozac.
6. Memorize the entire Flatleyland Court.
5. Reacquaint yourself with your spouse and children.
4. Buy new baby clothes in preparation for the population explosion in Flatleyland nine months from now.
3. (women only) Call up any of Flatleyland's incredibly sexy and intelligent men and ask them out on a date.
2. (men only) Follow "The Rules" and don't return her phone calls.
1. Cry like the Celts.

10. Let there be harems: thirty females for every male.
9. Goodbye, cheesecake; hello, wings and beer nuts.
8. No more sexist Wet Leather Pants contests during Girls Nite Out.
7. Stage a coup d'etat and install Shamus as Flatleyland's omnipotent Supreme Emperor of the Universe.
6. Bonus poinks...er, points to any female who mistakes a male subject for Lord Flatley.
5. Address all male subjects as "Simba".
4. Rename Flatleyland as "Sensitive '90s Guy Land".
3. Rename Flatleyland as "A Handful of Calm, Rational Men and Thousands of Crazed, Blithering Women".
2. Hold a Royal Ball and watch the ladies scramble for dates.
1. A special recognition by 'People' magazine: Sexiest Men Alive.

10. "Hey, Mufasa, check this out--one of your fans on the VB just got appointed your Royal Bellybutton Lint Remover."
9. "Oh, Lordy...now Linda wants me to tell her whether Emma squeezes her toothpaste in the middle or at the end."
8. "The VB's gotten a bit complacent, Michael. Why don't I reveal that you're injured and Colin Dunne is filling in for you tonight. THAT should stir things up!"
7. "Karl, look out for a tall, fortyish redhead in the crowd tonight; she wants to meet you under a security blanket."
6. "Karl, you'd better keep an eye out for Lacy and Steph in Atlanta; they appear to be hatching a plot involving Michael and whipped cream."
5. "Sorry, Ronan, it doesn't look like you have too much of a female following just yet, but I'll keep checking."
4. "No, Daire, 'VB' doesn't mean a sexually transmitted disease."
3. "The computer's hard drive is acting up again, Michael. All that 'healing energy' you've been getting might be causing a short-circuit."
2. "Bernadette, some chap named Matt wants to defend you against sunburn by slathering SPF-15 on your skin when we get to Kansas City."
1. "Get off the computer, Gillian--it's MY turn to be Red Fox!"

10. They're wearing a "Moya Doherty Fan Club" t-shirt.
9. Their Medic-Alert bracelet says "Allergic to Cheesecake."
8. When you cheerfully inform them that you'll be making a lot of noise, they pull out a .45 Magnum and snarl, "Go ahead, make my day."
7. While you're giving a standing ovation, you notice them putting a scorpion on your chair.
6. During "Breakout," they close their eyes, pull out a Bible and start moaning, "Blasphemy, blasphemy, blasphemy..."
5. They're wearing press credentials.
4. During the show, they keep sticking pins in a Michael Flatley voodoo doll.
3. After Michael's entrance in "Cry of the Celts," they snort, "With all the money that guy's making, he can't afford a SHIRT?"
2. During "Suil A Ruin," they groan, "Doesn't that redheaded dingbat know how to sing in English?"
1. During "Planet Ireland," they turn to you and remark, "Wow, they really made some big changes to 'Riverdance,' didn't they?"

10. From Nancy, Royal "Chef Blarney": All the cheesecake you can eat for a year.
9. From Karen, Royal Barmaid: All the Coca-Cola you can drink for a year.
8. From Bob Graham, Royal Musician: A special Celtic rendition of "Happy Birthday" on tuba.
7. From Genevieve Pritchard, Royal Pain in the A**: The REAL results of the Michael vs. Colin contest.
6. From Ye Olde Sisters of the Poink: All the strawberries and whipped cream you can use.
5. From the Royal nurses: A pin-up calendar of well-derriere'd male physicians (all of whom enjoy strawberries and cream).
4. From Kim, Official Promoter of the King's Name and Spirit: A personalized bumper sticker--Toughest Flathead in the Royal Kingdom.
3. From Prime Minister Zammi: The biggest hug you've ever had.
2. From Stephanie, Royal Bell Ringer: A shoulder you can always lean on.
1. From Lord Michael: The keys to Flatleyland when you finally come home.

10. Announce out loud, "I've got Ebola Fever and the Flatnick Virus is the only cure!"
9. Show up wearing black leather pants that you've had on for a whole week without bathing.
8. Stare intently at the cover of your LOTD CD and say "Poink" over and over.
7. Turn around and whisper to the person standing behind you, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" Repeat every fifteen seconds.
6. Hug the person standing in front of you and cry, "Aren't we all one big happy family?"
5. (women only) Bring along an effigy of Moya Doherty. Bite off various body parts.
4. (men only) Assume Michael's LOTD pose and bellow, "I am Mufasa!" Start singing "Hakuna Matata"
3. Tear off your blouse and scream, "I'm gonna break out!"
2. Brandish an Uzi at the ticket clerk and growl, "Give me front row seats...if you want to live"
1. After getting tickets, dance your way to the cutest guy/gal in line and grab a stolen kiss.

10. Overenthusiastic fans send too much "healing energy" to Michael Flatley and end up frying him to a crisp.
9. Due to a malfunction on the LOTD server, each post is transcribed in triplicate...and in all caps.
8. Michael Flatley sells his soul to Satan and starts a new show, "The Anti-Christ of the Dance".
7. Zammi and a handful of brave Flatheads attempt to perform exorcism but are thwarted when Michael's fiery breath bakes them into cheesecake.
6. Karl is replaced by a Skinhead with a trio of pit bulls to disperse the crowd after a show.
5. After a show, Michael steps out of this limo and yells to the crowd, "Get a life, people!"
4. After waiting four hours for the TicketMaster booth to open, you're greeted by a clerk who asks, "How many tickets to 'Riverdance' ya want?"
3. (women only) Michael finally comes out of the closet and pursues Bill Whelan.
2. (men only) You're caught alone in a dark alley with the "Poinker Sisters," all armed with whipped cream.
1. Next year's Las Vegas resident troupe features Wayne Newton as the Lord of the Dance.

10. Impose mandatory attendance at "Mary Francine's" Bible class to anyone posting more than once a day.
9. Hire Erin "The Celtic Goddess" Allen to write creative summaries of each day's entries.
8. Learn to write in Chinese as the characters take up less space.
7. Send in all posts longer than 200 words via UPS snail mail.
6. Ask the LOTD webmaster to install filtering software that automatically deletes entries beginning with "Sit back folks, 'cause this is gonna be a long one..."
5. Ask the LOTD webmaster to install software that automatically transcribes all entries into Gaelic, thereby limiting the VB family to Cortney Salazar and Red Fox.
4. Eliminate all articles and conjunctions (e.g. "Saw LOTD Philly awesome Michael hug kiss heaven")
3. Use acronyms (e.g. HTA = "Hugs to All", IGT = "I Got Tickets", ICBIGTFFRS = "I Can't Believe I Got Tickets For Front Row Seats").
2. Convert all the Top 10 lists into Top 5 lists.
1. Read the Riverdance guestbook on a regular basis to learn brevity and economy of writing.

10. The "Real Man" Clique: wears blue jeans, coolly unemotional, doesn't eat cheesecake.
9. The "Sensitive '90s Man" Clique: wears black leather pants, breaks down in tears upon hearing that Gillian Norris has a blister, loves cheesecake.
8. The "Strong '90s Woman" Clique: buys black leather pants for their men, breaks down in tears upon hearing that Michael Flatley has a blister, wouldn't mind being called cheesecake.
7. The "Michael Is God" Clique: the Black Leather Pants Manufacturers Association of America.
6. The "Michael Flatley is the Anti-Christ" Clique: residing in the Dungeon along with Mary Francine.
5. The "I Wanna Guard Karl's Body" Clique: just a couple of VB'ers, but growing.
4. The "I Love Cliques" Clique: no one on the VB.
3. The "Don't Drink and Drive" Clique: everyone on the VB.
2. The "We Love You Lacy Please Continue to Get Well" Clique: see #3.
1. The "I'm Honored to Share the Spotlight on the VB With a Fan of Mine in Need" Clique: Michael Flatley.

10. "Hello, Lacy, I'm Dr. Jones. All of us here are amazed by your recovery, and, uh...we were just wondering how we could prescribe this 'healing energy' you've been getting?"
9. "Good morning, honey--you've got more mail from your friends on the VB. Bring the wheelbarrows in here, guys!"
8. "It's a message from Zammi--she says to stop scaring the s**t out of her"
7. "The injuries to her skull are healing nicely, but we can't understand why the top of her head is so...flat"
6. "Steph, none of us nurses had ever heard of Michael Flatley before we met you, but if that studmuffin ever needs a COMPLETE physical, tell him to come our way, OK?"
5. "Nurse, we need an infectious disease consult STAT to stop the 'Flatnick Virus' epidemic that's sweeping the hospital!"
4. "Sorry, doctor, but all the infectious disease specialists are in the lounge watching LOTD"
3. "This LOTD thing is having quite an effect on the entire medical staff. Even crotchety ol' Doc Weatherby has started wearing black leather pants during morning rounds"
2. "Her Glasgow Coma score is 15, the hydrocephalus on the MRI is nearly gone, her neurological exam is nonfocal, the electroencephalogram is unremarkable, and her CBC, electrolytes, and blood gases are all within normal limits. In other words, she's a happy Flathead"
1. "Mom, can I have another Coke?"

10. Co-star with Jean-Claude Van Damme in the martial arts epic, "Flying Feet of Fury"
9. As star of Chris Carter's latest creation for FOX: "The F-Files (The Dancing Is Out There)
8. In a guest appearance on "ER", he plays an Irish surgeon who performs medical miracles with the use of "healing energy" derived from an unknown source.
7. In a recurring role on "Star Trek-Voyager", he plays Dancelordis, a suave and handsome Borg who seduces Capt. Janeway by softly whispering in her ear, "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated."
6. As bartender Sam Malone in the movie version of "Cheers". In a surprise casting move, the role of Diane Chambers goes to Mona, one of his most ardent Flatheads ("Absolutely the perfect choice for the part," Flatley says).
5. Co-star with Will Smith in the smash sequel "Men In Black Leather Pants"
4. Parlaying his reputation as a ladykiller, he lands the title role in "Jack the Ripper Stalks Chicago"
3. As cast member of a TV sitcom based in a Dublin hair salon: "When Irish Guys Are Styling"
2. In a public service announcement for children in Ireland promoting stepdancing as an alternative to drugs. Slogan: "Be Like Mike!"
1. As astronomer/novelist/visionary Carl Sagan in the autobiographical film "Mr. Cosmos". Most memorable line: "The Universe gives you those dreams because you can have them."

10. Zammi and the Screaming Lemmings.
9. Black Leather Worshipers.
8. Aryan Road.
7. 10,000 Flatniacs.
6. The Dead Dohertys.
5. Rancid Cheesecake.
4. Celtic Cybervixens.
3. Monapalooza.
2. Lacy and the Poinker Sisters.
1. The Artist Formerly Known as Shamus.

10. "Little Spirit" lawn fertilizer: Just sprinkle on your dead grass and watch it come back to life.
9. An instructional Irish dance video featuring Michael Flatley: "White Men CAN Jump!"
8. Complete set of "Warrior" talking action figures: Able to yell "One, two, three, four!" in Gaelic.
7. A CD single: "Dueling Banjos" performed on violin by Mairead Nesbitt and Cora Smyth.
6. "Irish Colleen" brand of cheesecake.
5. "Breakout" line of jogbras and other sports apparel for women.
4. "Saoirse" lipstick: Guaranteed never to smudge, even during those marathon "snogging" sessions.
3. "Morrighan" line of lingerie: For those nights when you want to be a "bad girl".
2. "Dark Lord" line of men's briefs and black masks: For those nights when you want to be a "bad boy".
1. "Tickle-Me-Michael" doll (batteries sold separately).

10. Most of us are afraid to get in touch with our "feminine side".
9. We're too busy drinking Guinness and male bonding at the Friends of Flatley pub.
8. We're too busy constructing our Gillian Norris and Bernadette Flynn webpages.
7. We're too busy trying to figure out how our DVD players work.
6. We're too busy trying to squeeze into our black leather pants.
5. We've heard that men become slaves in the Amazon-dominated kingdom of Flatleyland.
4. Going ga-ga for teenage gals just ain't PC (unless, of course, you're a teenage guy).
3. We're anxiously awaiting the next Irish dance extravaganza, "The Lordess of the Dance".
2. Being the strong and silent types, we prefer to "lurk".
1. Real men don't eat cheesecake.

10. Who can consume the most cheesecake without getting sick--RD fans or Flatheads?
9. Who would Flatheads least want to hug--Moya Doherty or a dance critic with leprosy?
8. (women only) Who would you rather sleep with--Bill Whelan or Ronan Hardiman?
7. (men only) Who would you rather sleep with--Moya Doherty or Ronan Hardiman?
6. Which soundtrack is better for making whoopee--RD or LOTD?
5. Which show gives more TFB (Taps For the Buck)--RD or LOTD?
4. Which penalty is feared the most in Flatleyland--banishment to the Dungeon or banishment to the RD guestbook?
3. Can "Barry the Paparazzo" procure much sought-after photos of Michael and his latest squeeze--yea or nay?
2. Which Flathead in the U.K. does the most "snogging"--Jeremy or Linda the Duchess?
1. After chugging a pint of Guinness, who can produce the loudest belch--Michael Flatley or Colin Dunne?

10. Thanks to all the wonderful VB'ers who perspired with me under a sweltering sun as we waited for autographs after the matinee (Sandy and hubby, Mitzi, Kathleen, Terry, Angel Ann, Debbie, Susan, Connie, Jessica Correll, Joe Horn, Make Haines, et al). May we forever be partners in sweat.
9. Special thanks to Joe and Mike for showing that I'm not the only wacko male Flathead out there.
8. Thanks to the lovely Gillian Norris for graciously bestowing me with her autograph while standing barefoot on the hot pavement (sorry, Joe, but she's definitely MINE).
7. Thanks to Cora Smyth for proving that beautiful female physicians DO exist (just kidding! no e-mail, please).
6. Thanks to the LOTD souvenir booth for lightening my wallet and preventing a potentially crippling back injury.
5. Special thanks to Mitzi for giving me Michael's secret cell phone number (just kidding! no e-mail, please).
4. Thanks to the LOTD pyrotechnics team for blasting the wax out of my ears during the show.
3. Thanks to Moya Doherty for making all of this possible (just kidding! no e-mail, please).
2. Thanks to the adorable Helen Egan for containing her laughter as I struck my LOTD pose for Terry.
1. The greatest thanks of all to the incomparable Michael Flatley for having the intelligence to return to Cleveland in 67 days, 14 hours, 19 minutes...

10. Royal Scrubber of the Dungeon's Latrines.
9. Official Live Targets for the King's Lancers.
8. Royal Editor of the King's Original Video.
7. Courtesan to the Court Jester.
6. Personal Assistant to the King's Three Stooges (Sir Mike, Sir Jay and Sir Larry).
5. Royal Census Taker.
4. Royal Executioner of Habitual Multiple Posters.
3. Official Fall Guy for the King's Cancelled Appearances.
2. Dance Critic Effigy of the Royal Court.
1. Ambassador to Dohertyland.

11. I brake for Celts!
10. My other car is a red Lamborghini.
9. I'm going to Flatleyland!
8. Praise the Lord and pass the cheesecake.
7. Beam me up, Michael!
6. Flatheads on board. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
5. The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want anything more than an autograph, a hug and a kiss.
4. Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Michael.
3. Depressed? Type www.lordofthedance.com.
2. Caution! Driver infected with Flatnick Virus!
1. Just say YES! YES! YES!

10. "In your opinion, which of these three is the most clueless: Mike Myers, Jay Leno or Larry King?"
9. "A lot of people say you're quite a connoisseur of cheesecake...uh, I assume they're talking about pastry, right?"
8. "So, 'Mufasa', is it true that you enjoy 'snogging' with women who interview you?"
7. "These fans of yours, the 'Flatheads'--don't they have problems wearing a hat?"
6. "How do you keep that chest of yours looking so smooth and shiny? Shave or wax?"
5. "Did you and Jean Butler ever, ya know, dance in the river together?"
4. "I noticed that your 'Book of Dreams' has almost as many phone numbers as the Ameritech white pages--quite a 'black book' you've got there, don't you think?"
3. "Has Dave Letterman or anyone else written a 'Top 10 List' about you yet?"
2. "If you eat steak for breakfast everyday, what do you have for dinner--cornflakes?"
1. "I heard that Redd Foxx is somehow involved in your show, but did't he pass away from the 'Big One' a long time ago?"

10. "My name's Mona...and I'm a Flathead" (chorus) "Hello, Mona!"
9. "Jeremy, would you please stop stepdancing for a minute while Marty tells us her story?
8. "It's easy to understand why I went bankrupt: In addition to buying tickets to 35 performances, a computer to access the VB, every piece of LOTD merchandise, a DVD player, stepdancing lessons and a chartered tour of Ireland, I splurged one last time for a red Lamborghini"
7. "Heck, no, Mitzi, I think that Celtic warrior face paint looks rather nice on you!"
6. "Yes, Jeremy, Irish music is beautiful, but would you please stop practicing your flute during our meetings?"
5. "So my doctor tells me I should stop posting so much on the VB because I have really bad carpal tunnel syndrome. I thought my addiction was finally licked, but then I hear about this new voice recognition software..."
4. "It's quite admirable that you've learned Gaelic, Cortney, but could you please speak in English so everybody here can understand you?"
3. "Sit down, Jeremy! It is NOT appropriate to practice 'Stolen Kiss' on Linda without her pemission!
2. "Listen up, people. It's important for all of you to realize that Michael does NOT want you to join him on Comet Hale-Bopp on St. Patrick's Day!"
1. "Could you please pass the cheesecake?"

10. You were the only kid they booed during the school play--and your parents booed the loudest.
9. In high school, you were voted "Most Likely to Become a Pathetic, Clueless Moron".
8. Michael Flatley stole away your date during the Senior Prom.
7. You finished at the bottom of the class in a fly-by-night journalism school in the Barbados--after cheating your butt off to get through.
6. You worked yourself up to being a dance critic by first becoming Kato Kaelin's agent and acting coach.
5. You lambasted "The Nutcracker" for a being a "confusing mish-mash of multicultural dances which feebly support a lame plot involving a glorified food utensil and silly, oversized rodents".
4. You predicted that "Saturday Night Fever" would enshrine disco as the most popular and longest-lasting dance form in history.
3. You admire Pee Wee Herman for his "innovative and daringly retromasculine dancing style".
2. The only people who agree with your opinions wear tight, white jackets and drool over their padded floors.
1. Your favorite expression is "NO! NO! NO!"

11. LENT - time when your LOTD CD has been borrowed by someone.
10. PENANCE -what you must do for multiple posts in the VB.
9. ADVENT - Time spent waiting for LOTD to come somewhere near where you live!
8. CONVERSION - When you have successfully recruited someone else to be one of us!
7. FASTING - What we do to save enough money to attend LOTD concerts!
6. ABSTINENCE - What happens to our spouses and significant others while we stay up all night reading the VB, entering Chatrooms and E-mailing back and forth!
5. HOLY DAYS OF OBLIGATION - Any tour date within 1,000 miles of your home!
4. NOVENA - What you make before attending a concert hoping for a "Michael" sighting!
3. BAPTISM - the initiation of "newbies" to the VB, sponsoring and answering questions about the faith!
2. FORTY HOURS DEVOTION - The time before a show meeting with other Flatheads, standing at the stage door before, watching the show and standing at the stage door after a concert!
1. TITHING - The amount of your income spent buying tickets, videos, and other LOTD merchandise! With apologies to the Pope, my bishop and parish priest, I mean no disrespect!

10. You want to appreciate the video's terrific editing even more.
9. As one of his lesser-known accomplishments, Michael Flatley invented the DVD format.
8. You want to confuse your jealous cat because he keeps barfing on the VCR whenever you play LOTD.
7. You'll never see the show live, and you just got your inheritance from dear old granddad.
6. You want to hear the audience's collective jaws drop during "Breakout".
5. You want to see if Michael's belly button is an "inny" or an "outty".
4. You want to see every wrinkle and bulge in Michael's black leather pants.
3. You want to see the kinds of coins Michael keeps in the back pocket of his black leather pants.
2. You want to read the dates on the coins Michael keeps in the back pocket of his black leather pants.
1. DVD stands for "Divine Video of Dancing".

10. Critics find that they get more attention and publicity for BAD reviews than for GOOD ones. (Think about it.)
9. Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, CRITIQUE!
8. Critics instinctively dislike any thing that comes to their town with a reputation for popularity.
7. Dance critics who are purists will knock any dancing that doesn't look like it's being done with an MRI machine on down to the waist.
6. Instead of being vague, amorphous, depressing, artsy-fartsy, and grim; LOTD is focused, designed, upbeat, artistic, and fun. (A plot? How quaint! Conflict and resolution? How gauche!)
5. Critics, who lack vision, hate people who have a vision and stick to it.
4. Critics read previous reviews from other cities to find out what they should think about a show.
3. Critics rarely deal with, and don't know how to react to genuine talent, charisma, and artistic merit.
2. Just as Generals and Admirals prepare to fight the last war instead of the next one, critics are prepared to judge new productions by how well they match with old productions.
1. Critics have trouble with boldness, daring, innovation. They thought Mozart, Beethoven, Wagner, Verdi, Tchaikovski, Prokofiev, etc. were pretentious, egotistical showoffs, trying too hard to be different. (Sound familiar?)

10. Thou shalt not sit on thy hands during a live performance.
9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's LOTD tickets.
8. Thou shalt have no other lead Irish dancers before me.
7. Thou shalt hug, not bicker with, thy fellow VB'ers.
6. Thou shalt bestow upon me a Book of Dreams every July 16.
5. Honour thy Ticketmaster outlet and thy local Blockbuster.
4. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in an egotistical vein.
3. Thou shalt not watch "Breakout" or "Stolen Kiss" with a child under the age of ten.
2. Thou shalt not kill, steal or commit adultery unless thou is a LOTD cast member during a performance.
1. Thou shalt forgive Mike Myers, Jay Leno and Larry King for they know not what they do.

10. He just learned how to count to ten this year and is busy practicing his new skills.
9. He's really a spy for Moya Doherty and this is his cover to get us to trust him.
8. He was fired from his job because he was spending too much time on the VB - now he has nothing else to do with his time.
7. He's trying to pick up Cyberchicks!
6. Because he's Irish (or wants to be) and that's the kind of stuff they (we?) do.
5. In his past life, he was MF's first dance teacher who told him things like "You're too old to dance...put those arms by your side....stop dreaming and pay attention!" Now his penance is to spread positive energy and good cheer to anything and anyone related to MF and LOTD.
4. Because he couldn't get a job writing for David Letterman.
3. He's not really Jake. He's really Michael Flatley and ever since MF was a child he wanted to write Top 10 Lists.
2. Because he's been infected with the LOTD Virus and he just can't help himself.
1. He's practicing on us until he gets a REAL job writing for the soon to be released film "Riverdance II - The Drowning."

10. Gently question their beliefs toward politics, religion and Moya Doherty.
9. Warn them of the dire consequences of submitting multiple posts.
8. Direct them to the Temple of Zammi for initiation rites and instruction in proper hugging technique.
7. Direct them to the Friends of Flatley Irish-American pub and tell them to buy a round of Guinness for all the VB regulars.
6. Mandate that they address the VB regulars by their proper titles: Erin "The Celtic Goddess," Allen, "Popcorn Tom," Jessica "Angel", Karen "Friend of Flatley", Linda "Duchess of Derby", etc...
5. Assure them the "Flatnick Virus" is not a sexually transmitted disease and they need not practice "safe software".
4. Request that they send all extra LOTD tickets to Mona.
3. Administer the LOTD Knowledge Test to measure their I.Q. (Irish Quotient).
2. Advise them to purchase front row seats to the next LOTD performance to get the best possible view.
1. Announce, "This isn't your father's Riverdance!"

10. Females: Believe LOTD music is beautiful and uplifting for the soul; Males: Believe LOTD music is perfect for making-out.
9. Females: Admire Michael Flatley for his ability to pick up people from the doldrums of daily living; Males: Admire Michael Flatley for his ability to pick up chicks.
8. Females: Explore Irish culture by reading poetry and singing traditional folk songs; Males: Explore Irish culture by drinking Guinness by the keg.
7. Males: Want to wear black leather; Females: Want their men to wear black leather, or nothing at all.
6. Females: Appreciate the bold and innovative costumes; Males: Appreciate the short skirts.
5. Females: Buy a new tape when the old LOTD video wears out; Males: Buy the LOTD DVD, a new DVD player, and a Bose home theater system when the old LOTD video wears out.
4. Females: Fervently wish that Michael drives safely in his Lamborghini; Males: Fervently wish that they had Michael's "babemobile" for the weekend.
3. Females: Tune in to PBS to watch documentaries on the ancient Celtics; Males: Tune in to ESPN to watch broadcasts of the Boston Celtics.
2. After seeing "Breakout" - Females: "What a wonderfully self-affirming expression of feminine sexuality!"; Males: "Whoa, momma!"
1. Assessing LOTD - Females: "What a brilliant marriage of tradition and innovation that transcends entertainment to become a subliminally catalyzing force for love and inspiration throughout the world!"; Males: "Awesome, baby!"

10. Senator Edward Kennedy: "Any Irish-American fella who's THAT slick with the chicks is my kinda guy!"
9. Dennis Rodman: "Michael's the baddest dude around, and I ain't talkin' 'bout Jordan. Why do you think I dye my hair green?"
8. Madonna: "When's that 'stallion' going out to stud? I gotta have another baby real soon!"
7. Mike Myers: "In the 'schwing' department, Michael is just The Man ... I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!"
6. George Steinbrenner: "He's fired almost as many managers as I have!"
5. Jay Leno: "It blows my mind that he's got enough energy for all that dancing in addition to all that 'nonabstinence'!"
4. Garry Kasparov: "Nyet, there is no computer in the world that can dance like Michael Flatley, that guy with the deep blue eyes"
3. Richard Simmons: "What do you mean he's not gay?!"
2. Michael Jackson: "He's everything that I've always wanted to be: a white man who can dance just like a black man."
1. Meg Ryan (restaurant scene with Billy Crystal in "When Harry Met Sally"): "YES! YES!! YESSS!!!"

10. From your fans in Motown: a new Dodge Viper (red, of course) to go with the Ferrari and Lamborghini.
9. From your fans in Denver: miniaturized oxygen tanks (inserted in the nostrils) for your performances at McNichols Arena next week.
8. From Richard Daley and Brendan Lynch: the keys to Chicago and Dublin.
7. From the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences: an Oscar for your first film.
6. From Capezio: a pair of indestructible dancing shoes.
5. From your fans in Dallas: a lifetime supply of Texas T-bone steak for breakfast.
4. From your fans in Saint-Maubert, France: un cent bouteilles de Chateau Latour.
3. From Robin Leach: Champagne Wishes and Celtic Dreams.
2. From your Irish Trekker fans: Go maire tu, Bail o Dhia ort (Live long and prosper).
1. From all of us on the VB: Love and Peace in Northern Ireland.