Journal Entry

Derek Rayne

I could hear him crying at the top of the stairs this evening and I wanted SO MUCH to run to him -- hold him in my arms and comfort him; to somehow ease the pain that I know he is feeling. But my position here continues to hold me back from expressing my TRUE feelings for Nick. Dear God, how much longer must I wait before I can ever tell him how I truly feel?!

This has been the hardest week I've ever had to endure! I've been fighting my growing attraction and desire for Nick for quite a while now; denying it first to myself and then, once admitting it to myself, denying the feelings themselves. But this week, as I watched him going through the agony and turmoil of trying to solve his father's murder -- and thereby resolve some of his childhood pain -- my heart ached to hold him. I wanted more than anything to let him know that he WAS loved ... AND desired; to let him know that he ISN'T worthless -- not to ME!

But I had to maintain the status of my position here as Precept and had to remain strong, confident and keep everyone's focus on solving the case. From the moment he told me he had been driving down San Dimas Road, I knew that Nick was going to make a personal journey to Hell and back; what really hurt was the fact that I wouldn't be able to help him as I really wanted to!

I knew the moment he told his story about finding the house and the two men inside that he had lied to me about not recognizing his father; but I chose to ignore it -- not to push him beyond what he could endure -- and it proved to be the right decision. He DID come to me and told me the truth. It was all I could do to keep from taking him in a strong embrace and loving the pain away at that moment. It took every ounce of strength I had not to declare my love and desire for him!

Robert Boyle HAD been a friend at one time; now, despite what protocol demands I say to Nick, I will hate the man for what he did to his son! If only I could erase the pain he had gone through! How much longer must this young man suffer?! When can he ever find peace?! Dear God, let it be in MY arms!

I know that I angered him during this investigation, but he seems to have understood my motives and forgiven me. I wished to God that I could forgive myself! I pushed him to resolve things with his father for "the sake of the Legacy". How much longer should I put this place I've dedicated my life to above the people I love?!

I've barely slept all week. Closing my eyes, I picture Nick in the silent pain he refuses to share. I could tell how often he was close to the breaking point, but I denied myself AND him of the right to hold him. At night, I would picture me taking him in my arms, holding him while he released his pent-up emotions, gently kissing him -- letting him KNOW that he was loved. Though I desire much more physical contact with Nick than those simple gestures, I would've given the world for the chance to have done just that!

And yet, I can STILL not make myself go to him. I heard the sounds of physical straining coming from his bedroom and I know that he is pushing himself beyond endurance as he lifts impossible weights, trying to forget whatever anguish is filling his soul.

Someday, Nick! Someday, I will forget what protocol and rules say and I will express my heartfelt feelings for you and TO you! Even if you reject me as a lover, I will at least have let you known how I feel about you; I will at least have let you know that you ARE loved!

HOW MUCH LONGER?
By Lace

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