CONFLICT: Duty vs. Desire
I'm writing this in my personal Journal for obvious reasons.
Nick drives me to the brink of madness! He's so wild -- so reckless at times! Tonight, Nick once again risked his life to save Alex, Rachel and I from the demon we were trying to defeat. He forged ahead, not thinking or caring about the consequences to himself. Yet again, he exhibited the traits he's become legendary at -- loyalty, courage and reckless abandon!
As I watch him at those times when he goes into a sort of "automatic pilot" mode, a part of me can't help but admire these stellar and rare qualities he possesses. The fact that he puts others before himself without caring or worrying about the repercussions is exhilerating to say the least. However, my job also requires me to somehow try to find a balance within him in order to help him do his job more effectively.
Tonight, Nick once again rushed in -- against my orders -- and took charge of a dangerous situation. More than likely, he saved one or more of us from certain death. But that is not the point! It became necessary, when we returned, for me to "have words" with Nick regarding the matter. There he sat in my office, staring at me with such defiance blazing out of those hazel eyes. I could feel the blood pounding in my veins -- part of me wanting to take him and shake him ... make him realize that risking himself like that was wrong; the other part wanted to hold him in a passionate embrace!
How do I make him understand that his life is important -- to the future of the Legacy, to those he works with, to me?! Nick never seems to look at the future, always opting for the quick and easy solution to the "here and now". This has brought him to the brink of disaster or death more times than I care to count.
Yes, of course, I'm grateful to him for his constant risks and the concern he exhibits for his associates, but he continues to scare me nonetheless. How do I allow him to rush in so recklessly when I know that it could cost him his life?! And yet, how can I stop him from doing what he's best at?! He just doesn't comprehend how much we need him ... how much I need him!
I know that his life has been hard. I look at him and read the pain in his eyes so often. How I wished I had known what he was suffering as a child -- I certainly would've put an end to it. But his past made him the man he is today, and I can't help but look at him and admire him for rising above it.
I've written before in this personal Journal about my frustrations with Nick and his behavior at times, but I've neglected to express my true feelings for him. I find that, more and more, I care very deeply for Nick. The feelings that I'm having go far beyond the friendship and the admiration for him as a working associate; they lie far deeper, below the surface.
I'm attracted to him! I can no longer deny it within myself; it hit me full in the face as I watched his defiance with me earlier this evening. No matter what I had to say, Nick would counter with a point of his own! Always, it's a constant sparring between us! No one has ever frustrated and aroused me more at the same time than he does!
I've found myself watching him so much lately -- watching as he joked and teased with Alex while doing computer research; watched as he exercised his strong, muscular and firm body in the gardens; and now watched as he rushed into a dangerous situation, prepared to pay with his life -- all of these things have aroused my sexual desires towards him. His smile, his eyes, the solid form of his body -- all of these have been my focus for the past few weeks.
But I am the Precept of this House -- his boss -- and this would not, by conventional standards, be appropriate. However, hasn't Nick always said that he hates conventional standards?! I must not think like this!! I find myself picturing the two of use together and my heart skips a beat as the breath catches in my chest. I know that I am setting myself up for something that might never be.
Nick looks to me as his boss, his mentor and his friend. But even more than that, I feel that looks to me as a sort of replacement "father figure". If he only knew how deeply my feelings for him really were! Would he be repulsed by my attraction to him, or would it make him feel more secure?! Would he reject my feelings of love and sexual desire or would he embrace them -- knowing for the first time that he could be truly loved without being hurt?! So many questions!
I'm just returning from Nick's room. During the last portion of my entry, I thought I heard a noise down the hall. Both Alex and I reached Nick's door at the same time. We entered to find him sitting up, drenched in sweat, with a look of terror in his eyes. He assured us that he was alright, but the tightness in his face told otherwise. I wanted nothing more at that moment than to rush over to the bed and to hold him, comfort him, kiss him until the pain and fear exited his body. But I could not!
However, I have decided that I am going to find a way to spend more time with Nick. Perhaps, we can never be lovers -- but perhaps we can! For now, I must put my own desires and attractions aside and think of him and his needs. I must help him push past his hurt and pain; push past his self-destructive behavior; and push past his troubled childhood. Perhaps then Nick would be open to my love?!
One thing is certain ... tonight I have decided not to deny my feelings for Nick -- at least, not to myself. I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I know that he will anger me, frustrate me and worry me more times than I care to think about in the future, but I also know just as strongly that I want him!
No matter how long this conflict within me takes to resolve, I believe that Nick Boyle is worth it! Perhaps one day, duty and desire can be one?! All I can do is hope!
Journal Entry by Lace
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