"Why"
I know he doesn't understand and is wondering why ... why now I would choose to leave the Legacy and our friendship behind to join the Priesthood. And I know that I can never explain it to him.
It's so hard now to look back on the life I've lived within these castle walls and not long for it to be the way it once was! I remember so clearly the day I met him -- he was wild and had a total lack of respect for authority -- and yet, I have to smile 'cause nothing has really changed there.
Derek wasn't certain he wanted Nick to join our Legacy House; something about having had a bit of trouble in the past with Nick's father. But, I took one look at the young man with a fire in those soft eyes and knew that he belonged here -- with us ... with me! I convinced Derek to allow him to join and, although Nick DID give him a few problems here and there, Derek seems happy now with that decision.
Nick and I became close right away. I stood up FOR him on some matters and stood up TO him on others and he seemed to respect me for it. We became fast friends -- a relationship I will always cherish -- and together we spent most of our free time being reckless, having fun and getting into as much mischief as we could manage.
But my feelings went beyond friendship for Nick. Sometimes, during a sporting activity -- like soccer, football or some other form of exercise -- we'd have moments of physical contact. God, how I'd wished those moments would last! I was raised in the Church and so I know how it feels about the feelings and stirrings I've experienced when I'm around Nick, but I can't fight my own urges now, can I?! Did the situation turn out like it did as God's way of punishing me?!
I'd dream about him coming to me at night -- strong, silent and yet filled with passion. I'd dream about just holding him, keeping him from whatever demons seemed to plague his sleeping hours. I'd dream about the love we would make -- forceful and yet tender. And I began to wonder if I could ever SHARE these dreams with him.
And then, SHE joined our Legacy House. She's bright, articulate and has a lot of the same qualities that Nick possesses and so I suppose it was only a matter of time before the two of them were drawn together. Soon, my hours with Nick became filled up with talking about Julia's virtues and whether or not she could "fall for a guy like him". How my heart and soul wanted to cry out that *I* could!!
But he was hooked and I could see it in his eyes. Where he might have once had a spark of interest for me -- at least I had THOUGHT that he might -- he seemed now totally obsessed with HER. He'll never know that the toughest thing I ever had to do was sit at the pub and hear about how "incredible" sex with Julia had been. I know he had no idea that he was tearing my soul apart, but I couldn't take it any longer.
That's when I returned to the religion of my childhood. I found comfort in the solitude and loneliness the life of a Priest would require me to live. More importantly, I knew it would legitimately take me away from the Legacy and from the one person I would always desire, but could now never have!
But why God did you cause me to cause HIM so much pain! The look of hurt and betrayal on his face when I announced my decision to leave the Legacy to become a Priest was almost more than I could bear. He turned away from EVERYONE -- INCLUDING HER -- for days! If you wanted me to enter your service, did you have to ruin my relationship with him to get me?!
Now, where I once thought we could have a friendship, he's turned away from me. There's only bitterness and mistrust within him now for me and it's pushed him even further into her arms. Last night, we tried to talk. I took him some ales and tried to explain that being a Priest was something that I HAD to do, but it only seemed to upset him more. I know it's because he just doesn't understand why.
As we sat and drank in silence, I watched him. His body was so tense, so tight and unyielding and the pain echoed in my chest knowing that I had closed him off to me so much. The more we drank, the angrier he became. Finally, he ordered me out of his room -- out of his sight; but I saw the pain in his eyes when he did it and I grabbed him and held him. It was only then that I realized how much he had been fighting his mutual feelings for me as I could feel his excitement being aroused. Was it possible that he had been attracted to me AND Julia all along?!
But then, suddenly and forcefully, he pushed me away from him. I tried to talk to him but he continued to push me out of his room, slamming the door in my face. Now, I sit alone, prepared to leave this House tomorrow and begin my new life. But I can't help looking to God now and asking ... WHY?!
Entry by Lace
Any comments maybe sent to the addy below, they will be forwarded to the author.
© 1997 reets@vallnet.com
Get your own Free Home Page