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Disclaimer: I do not own these people, nor do I have any contact with anyone who would have contact with these people. I make no money, only personal satisfaction from my work.
Warning: This story contains sexual situations between people of the same sex. If this bothers you or you are underage, please don't go on. Also, this story deals with the subject of rape, and is not for the unwilling to know about it. This story is writing itself as a sequel to Saving Sanity.
Comments: If you have any, please email me at hcompanion@hotmail.com
Derek couldn't sleep. The guilt from Halloween was tearing him apart. How could he have joked with Alex an Philip like that. He closed his eyes and tried not to see any of the images from that night. That night or yesterday, when they found a similar case in Colorado on the net. Nick had went into a panic attack when he found it. Derek hadn't wanted him to work, especially not on this, but Nick wouldn't be denied. He was driven to search, to see if what they had told him was true. When Nick found the incident he had been alone. Derek had replayed the security camera tapes to find out what had happened.
Alex had walked in on his attack. Nick was sitting in the corner rocking himself, curled up in a ball and humming. Nobody had know what was wrong, but he came to and grabbed Alex like she was his lifeline. Nick had told her she could make it all go away, then he passed out. His nightmares had returned in full force that night. It had been almost two months since Nick had nightmares like this, it was almost Soltice. The bed shook as Nick was in the middle of another one. Nick hadn't slept for days, really. Everytime he nodded off the nightmares came back. Derek didn't know what to do. His lover was suffering and all he could do was watch as this fear of Hitchcock coming back destroyed him.
Derek leaned over Nick and shook him to awaken him. Derek knew he didn't need to stay in the nightmare, it would only get worse. "Nick." It didn't work, so Derek shook him harder. "Nick." It still didn't work. Suddenly, Nick sat up and yelled, awakened by his dreams. "Nick, shh love, you're safe. You're loved. They can't get you anymore. Shh." Derek crooned to the younger man over and over until his shudders subsided.
Nick started to cry at his inability to get over this. "Why?" he asked Derek. "Why? Why me? Why now? Why?" Nick cried into Derek's chest the unanswerable questions that still haunted him. He didn't know what to do, he just couldn't let go. He had to let go of this fear, or else Nick knew it would eat him alive and take everyone with him. "Why, Derek? Why can't I get over this? Why won't it go away?"
"Nick you need to talk about this. That's the only way to get to start going away. I want...I need to talk to you about this. You need to talk, and I want to listen to you. All you have to do is talk." Derek held his lover as he offered the comfort and acceptance and offer of help all rolled in one. Nick shifted on his chest as he listened to him, but he got up quickly.
"Derek, you know I can't talk about this." Nick got up and headed towards his old room. "I can't talk about this with anyone. Nobody would understand."
"Nick, I want to help you, but you can't keep this up. You're exhausted and hurting. Let me help." Derek held out his hand to Nick. Nick started to walk back towards him, but stopped half way across the room. Derek went to him and tried to hold him. They both needed the comfort. Nick pulled away and turned back towards his room, but his eyes traced the shadows on the wall. He felt himself pulled back into the nightmare, being swallowed by the fear.
Nick started to cry hysterically. Nothing that Derek said would make him stop. Nick fell to his knees and then curled into a little ball, protecting himself. He knew on some level that this wasn't real, but nothing he could rationalize to himself would help. He was trapped by his fears.
Derek tried calling to Nick to bring him out of his attack, but it didn't work. When Nick sank to the floor, Derek sat down and held him. He didn't know what to do. How did you tell a rape survivor that it wasn't his fault. That nobody had known that his loving someone would lead to this level of hurt. Derek rocked Nick back and forth in his arms, and kissed him on the top of his head. What else could he do until it was over? Nick couldn't come out, and Derek couldn't go in. As they sat there, Derek's mind traveled back to that night and the memories of that event. Derek held him tighter, almost too tight for Nick to breathe; but Derek just wanted to protect him, then and now. As the younger man was coming out of his panic attack, Derek eased up his grip some, but not much. Nick looked up at him, eyes full of pain. Derek could only pull him closer. "Nick, I think we need to talk about this. You need to talk about this, need time to heal."
"Heal? I can't do that! I can't even stop thinking about it! Now you want me to relive it, tell someone else about it? I can't do that." Nick climbed out of Derek's arms and started back in his original direction. As he walked away he whispered, "I can't do that yet." He was oblivious to Derek coming after him again, trying to steer him back toward their bed. Nick was back into that night again. He felt the pain, every soul ripping touch, and came out of it immediately. He came back to reality so fast, he fell over and laid there crying while Derek tried to comfort him. Every second had come back. Every second stretched into lifetimes. The women's figures distorted into gruesome monsters. He couldn't escape, couldn't get away from the memories. He couldn't get back to the love that he knew was Derek and Alex and Philip. He was trapped.
Derek saw him slipping away again. He knew that Nick wouldn't last much longer under this strain. He would break, both of them would. Derek jumped at the knock on the door. "Come in Alex," he called. It had to be her, they were the only people in the house. "Help me get him back to the bed, please."
Alex grabbed one side of Nick and they steered him back to the bed. Alex leaned over her best friend and kissed him on the cheek, murmuring soft words to calm him until he came back.
"Alex?" The question was as much a 'what are you doing here' as a 'why'.
"It's me, Nick. It's time to calm down and come back to us. We need you." She smiled at him. Nick reached up and grabbed her in a tight hug, not wanting her to go. "Shh, babe." She rubbed his back until he was ready to let go. "Come on, we'll talk. You an' me an' Derek. Down in the kitchen." When she saw him balk at the idea, she said, "We'll talk about sports for a while, okay?" He nodded and allowed her to draw him out of the room he had lived in for the past months. They went down and Alex started coffee, opening a new bag. Nick sat at the table to watch her, and Derek sat down beside him. Nick grabbed Derek's hand.
"Derek, I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For everything. for the lack of sleep. for the nightmares, for...for..."
"Nick, you have nothing to be sorry for." Derek squeezed his hand. "You have done nothing but love. This happened to you, you didn't ask for it. Nobody does. Nobody." At that last word, he tilted Nick's face up to meet gazes with him. "You need us to help you. You need to let us help you, as much for you as for us. Something like this doesn't just hurt you. It hurts us." Derek smiled at Nick's look of puzzlement. "It hurts our relationship to each other by breaking the trust and putting up a barrier. It hurts your friendship with Alex the same way."
"He's right, Nick. This has raised an incredibly high barrier around you, blocking everyone and everything you love out." Alex walked over and gave him a strong hug. "We need to get in as much as you need to get out. Let's help each other. Please?" Alex released him and brought back the coffee and a glass of juice for Nick, he didn't need the caffeine right now. Alex handed both the men their drinks, and sat down with hers. She picked up Nick's other hand. They sat there in silence waiting for Nick to say something.
Nick took a drink of his juice and a deep breath. "I don't know what to say, where to start." He hung his head in defeat. Derek squeezed his hand, making Nick look at him. At the love sitting there, Nick smiled at him, "Would you like to know something in particular?" Nick prompted Derek for an answer with his eyes, asking for help in getting started.
"I think that we should talk about the panic attacks first." Derek looked at him harder, Nick looked uncomfortable with the suggestion. "What brought on the one earlier tonight after you got out of bed?"
"The shadows on the wall. It was like the flickering lights that night. Then I started to see shapes in them, like people dancing around. It shook me. I...my mind went back to that night It was like they were coming back for me. I didn't know how to get away, I ... I couldn't escape. The fear just overtook me." Nick looked back down at the table. "I just felt so helpless." He starts to cry. Both Alex and Derek get up to hold him. They murmur soft words of comfort to him, until he stops and is ready to go on.
"Nick, maybe we should talk about that night." He looked up into Alex's eyes, at the willingness to listen, to help him. He also noticed the quick flicker of guilt. She knew he was wondering about that, but wasn't ready for it yet. "Tell us what happened Nick. How did they get you?"
She guided his mind back to that night. "I was asleep in bed, curled up with Philip." He shook his head at the other thoughts that came in from that night. "I woke up tied to the table, couldn't move." Alex rubbed her thumb over the back of his hand. "I ...I saw these women around a fire, candles around. They were chanting and dancing. Then one came over to me. Said I was a sacrifice to bring back their teacher, Karen." Nick shuddered at the thought of her coming back for him. "I couldn't do anything. Just lay there." Nick takes another sip of juice and waits to calm down. Alex got back up for more coffee, and brought the pot back to the table along with the juice pitcher. Nick just smiled at her. "I don't think I can last long, Alex." Alex responded to his humor with a kiss on the cheek. She knew he was trying to hide his feelings again and it wasn't going to work.
They sat there for a long time, alternating silence and memories. It was five a.m. before they got back to bed. Nick was going to need to work out some more things, but he had told them what went on that night. How some of the women had molested him with devices, how some had used him physically. They had shared with him the events that they felt guilt about, not being there to help him, the jokes while they went to find him. Derek told him about Kat telling him where Nick was and who had him.
Derek had told Nick earlier in the week about Philip taking a sabbatical to Ireland, not to get away, but because the guilt was too much for him to be here right now. He told Nick know that Philip had called to say he was coming home in the next couple of days. Nick had smiled at the news, said his family would be back together again. Nick had even suggested that they should all sit down and talk about this together once Philip got back. Derek had agreed readily, pleased that his lover would want to continue this to help the family heal. That was all he wanted, his family to heal and be strong again, together.
Epilogue:
Philip came home the next day. He and Nick sat down to talk about that night. Nick reassured Philip that it wasn't his fault, and that nothing he could've done would have stopped them. Philip told Nick that no matter what, he would always be loved by him. They had made up for the lost week with a few beers and a long talk about Philip going home.
Nick, Derek, and Philip agreed to informal counseling among themselves. Nick decided he wasn't ready for anyone else to know about this. So every week, they put aside a time on Wednesday to talk for a few hours. The nightmares returned some nights, and the panic attacks came less frequently. Finally, just before Valentine's day, Nick realized he was going a whole day without thinking about that night. They celebrated that night, the three of hem, with supper and a long cuddle in front of the fire.
The sexual part of their relationship came back slowly. All three had agreed to let Nick make the first move when he wanted something. Two weeks after their celebration, Nick went to Philip's room to spend the night. He had kissed Philip for the first time that night. Philip had let him lead in everything. They had stopped when Nick had too much. They woke up on St. Patrick's day to Derek bringing them breakfast in bed. Nick knew then everything was alright. Nick showed them his new found knowledge with a pleasurable day that they never made it downstairs for.
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