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///"Do you have any idea what you've done to Nick?"
Philip lowers his head, nodding it slowly.
"You're ruined him Philip. He doesn't he want me to touch him now, I can't make love to him." Philip stands unmoving as Derek screams at him. "Do you hear me?"
Philip raises his eyes in time to meet Derek's, as the older man pushes him back. "I'm going to take back, what you took from him Philip. If I can't have Nick, I'll have you." Philip's eyes grow wide and his body shivers.
"No, Derek, you can't mean that."///
Derek shakes himself physically.
"Derek are you okay?" Alex releases her death grip on his arm, as he looks at her.
"Oh God." He sits down in the chair she slides beneath him.
"What? A vision?"
Derek nods weakly. "I'm fine, it's nothing."
"What do you mean nothing, you're as white as a ghost." Alex sits down opposite him.
"Talk to me, it's obviously upsetting..."
"NO! I'm tired, that's all. I'm going to turn in now." He pushes back and walks away before Alex can stop him. This was not a good sign, why would he have visions of Philip and how on earth, could he hurt hurt like that.
"Nite, get some rest." She watches Derek leaves, not even acknowledging that Nick walks past him.
"What's up with him?"
"I don't know, a vision, but he doesn't want to talk about it."
"What else is new?"
Alex studies Nick for a moment, the dark circles, furrowed brow. "Is everything all right between you two? He didn't even speak to you."
"No and no."
"What's the second no, for?"
"That, was for your next question."
"Okay, so don't talk to me. You two deserve each other."
"So, is there anything 'werid' going on in the world? Or can I go to bed?"
Alex gives him the 'cuse me' look. "It's been quiet today, actually. " She laughs at Nick's puppy dog face. "Go on, go to bed. I'll close down everything."
Nick stand up and stretches. "Nick, are you okay?" He shakes his head and hugs her lightly.
"Nite."
***************************
I failed you, didn't I? I turned the pain into anger and lashed out. Anyone that loves me, suffers. I should have a warning label. 'Beware, contact with this being could be disastrous to your health and happiness.' Shoot, you wouldn't let me get that tattooed anywhere, but it's the way I feel. I hurt you, more than I ever realized. Great, now someone wants to chat, hopefully it's Alex, cause I don't think I can handle anyone else's questions tonight.
end personal journal entry
Nick pulls open the door and Philip is standing on the other side. "What do you want?"
"Ta talk, what else?"
Nick closes the door behind Philip. "How are you, Nick?"
"Tired, so just go, okay."
Philip sits down on Nick's weight bench and watches Nick fidget around. "Alex, said you might need a friend."
"Well, Alex doesn't know everything, now does she?" Nick walks past him and sits down on the bed.
"Listen, I know you're hurtin, but you won' tell me what I did wrong. Talk to me Nick, please."
"What is there to say Philip, we shouldn't have done it."
"Oh, I know that, I knew that from the beginning, but I didn't know what to do about it. Once I was with you, it was all I wanted."
Nick heard the sincerity in his friend's voice, but he didn't know how tell him what he felt. So much pain, so many things done wrong. Philip hadn't come between him and Derek, he had placed that wedge there himself. He scoots over as Philip sits down beside him.
"Tell me what's wrong Nick. Derek wasn't as understanding as you thought he'd be, was he?"
"Yes, he was, but..."
"But what?" Philip deliberately pushed his friend, trying to get him to open up.
"But I wasn't." Nick sighs and leans against the headboard. "I don't how to handle the fact that we did, what we did."
"What if I had let you, instead of the other way around? Do you think that would have made a difference?"
Nick met his eyes and shrugs. "I don't know, all I know is I pushed Derek until, he pushed back and wanted me to leave."
"What?"
"Yeah, remember what you said, about me and my 'great' relationship record. It still holds." Nick laughs a bit, trying to cover the pain he felt inside. His heart was breaking, but he didn't know how to stop it.
"Nick, I'm so sorry. I never wanted something like this to happen." He reaches a hand out and pats Nick's shoulder, pulling, coaxing, trying to get the other man to lean toward him more. Accept the comforting shoulder.
"I know you didn't, but we can't change what happened." Nick meets Philip's eyes and allows him to pull him close. Philip's lips find his and press gently to his own quickly, before he shoves the other man away. "What are you doing?"
"I'm sorry, but it's not like you're cheating on Derek anymore, is it?"
"I love him Philip. He's always been there for me, pushing me, driving me to make my own decisions and mistakes. But loving me enough to accept me when I'm wrong or foolish or do something just, stupid. "He loves me Philip," The tears fill his eyes. "He loves me and all I can do is hurt him."
Philip pulls him close as the tears turn into sobs. "Let it out Nick." He cradles the shuddering figure in his arms, soothing and shushing him.
After a while Nick's sobs lessen and he lies down and curls into a ball. Still tense and shaken, he doesn't reject Philip as both arms encircle him, trying to comfort him. Soon he drifts off to sleep, warm in Philip's arms, listening to his heartbeat.
Derek pushes the door open, but stops quickly as he catches sight of Philip. His head resting on the top of Nick's as he craddles the younger man in his arms. He wanted to scream, to yell 'get out and don't touch', but he had made the decision to give Nick room. He pushed down the urges, that surged through his being and pulled the door closed quietly. If this was really what Nick wanted, he had to let him go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
/// Derek felt the man beneath him tremble and his compassion took over. "Did you ever ask Nick, if it was what he wanted?"
"No, yes, I don't know, I don't remember, it's all a blurr." Derek pulls back an inch and retrieves the lubricant from his pants pocket, before pushing them down and off. "No, Derek, this isn't right."
"Was it right for you to do this to Nick?"
"He wanted it Derek, you can't say he didn't."
"What about you Philip, did you want to?" He presses his finger inside the tight ring of muslce as Philip relaxes a little.
"NO! Derek, please, I can not do this."
"Yes Philip, you can. If you can give it, then you can receive it. Relax Philip and I won't hurt you." The finger sinks deep and Philip's body shudders.
"Oh, God Derek, how can this feel so good?"
"Exactly Philip, it can feel good." Two fingers now and Philip is accepting them eagerly. "Spread your legs Philip, surrender to me." ///
Derek screams and bolts up in bed. He tears back he covers and glances down at his body. He's alone, covered in sweat and semen. He sighs and falls back against the pillows. "I could not do that you Philip, I could not." He gets off the bed and hurries to the shower. He scrubs his body clean and stands, staring at the wall as the water turns cold. He moves slowly out as he hears someone knocking. He hesitates at the door to Nick's room then unlocks it and hurries out his side.
Nick comes in and looks around. A cold sliver of anticipation, mixed with fear ran through his body as he knocks on Derek's door. "Derek, are you okay?"
He steps back quickly as Derek pulls the door open. "Yes, I'm fine, go back to bed."
"I heard you cry out, I was just worried, that's all." He relaxes a little as Derek reaches out and touches his cheek. All he wanted was to be drawn into those arms, have them surround him and keep him warm. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"Fine, good night."
Nick nods and goes back to his room, leaving the door ajar. He could hope, couldn't he?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next morning finds Alex and Derek in the control room. Nick is the last one to come in. "Morning." Derek nods and Nick sits down at the console.
"Alex and I were just going over the feed."
"Anything we ought to check out?" Nick asks, sipping his coffee.
"Nothing really, unless you really want to find out about 'mad' cow disease." Derek snarls his nose and shakes his head as does Nick.
"Well I definitely think we should keep Nick away from the 'cloning', I don't think I could handle more than one of him." Alex dodges the crumpled paper that Nick tosses at her.
"Well, it's too bad we're not into UFO's, there has been a lot of sightings..." Derek picks up the phone as it rings. "Derek Rayne, yes, just a moment please." He hands the phone to Nick. "For you."
"Hello, yeah, wow," Nick gets up and walks around, gathering the phone as he does. "Yeah, that'd be great, where are you calling from?"
Alex and Derek exchange looks and they both shrug. Derek finally settles down in Nick's seat and begins scanning through the articles.
"Perhaps we should check into some of the more bizarre sightings."
"You can't be serious, UFO's. We aren't that bored Derek." Alex crosses her arms across her chest and leans back in her chair.
"You forget, no mystery is closed to an open mind."
Nick hangs up the phone and turns back toward Derek and Alex. "What's that from the Derek Rayne, book of cute sayings?"
"Actually, it's from a tv show."
Nick laughs and meets Derek's eyes. "Listen, I've got to go into town. That is if there's nothing more pressing than crazy cows and flying saucers."
"That's fine, looks like it's going to be a quiet day." Nick nods at Derek and heads toward the door. "Nick, call if you're going to be late."
Nick sighs heavily and turns around. "How about, if you desperately need me, ring my cell phone, otherwise, I'm unavailable."
"Who are you going to meet?"
"A friend, no one you know. Bye." He hurries from the room before Derek can ask the guy's shoe size. Sheesh, sometimes being a member had it's disadvantages.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He pulls up to the outside cafe where he had set up the meeting. He sat down and ordered coffee, warming his hands on the mug. Thirty mintues passes and he was beginning to wonder if he had been stood up.
Cold fingers clamp around his eyes and a warm breath at his ear whispers. "Shouldn't let your defenses down." Nick pulls away quickly and stands up. He shakes his head and clasps the hand extended to him.
"Nicholas, it's been a long time."
Nick allows himself to be pulled into the other man's embrace, pushing back the wavy brown hair as the wind whips it into his face.
"Yes, it has and don't call me Nicholas."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Derek allows Alex to take the day off and relax. She decides on the mainland and shopping.
"I'm going to call Rachel when I get to the city, so," She smiles as Derek helps her into her coat. "If you need us, you can just make one call."
"Two actually, Nick is still gone."
"Yeah, well, I think he needs some time away, don't you?" Derek nods and takes a deep breath. "Derek, don't wait too long to work things out between you, you're good for each other." He smiles and hugs her briefly.
"Have a good time."
"I shall." With that she grabs her purse and is out the door.
Derek turns to find Philip at the top of the stairs. "Where's everyone today?"
"You weren't at the morning meeting."
"I know, I'm sorry. I haven't been sleeping very well and when my body finally gave out, I overslept."
Derek heads up the stairs and into the control room. "So, are you going to tell me what's going on? Or do I have to guess?"
"Nothing, that's why everyone's taking the day off."
"Oh well then, I don't feel so bad." He follows Derek into the control room. "What are your plans for the day?"
Derek glances over at Philip, the images and flashes still very real in his mind. He shakes his head and closes his eyes.
//"Derek, please. please, I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt him."
Derek screamed at Philip" Didn't you? For all the times he'd been angry with you. For blaming you for Julia? Did you not want to get back at me for loving him and not you?" Philip froze. "It's the truth isn't it Philip? You wanted me to love you, the way I love Nick, but you knew that could never be, you knew that he was the one. The one I would wait my life for. Didn't you?" Philip nods and meets Derek's eyes. "Good, we finally get the truth."
"Get off."
"Not a chance." Derek thrusts deep several times. "I want you to always remember this Philip." He reaches around and grasps Philip's throbbing cock. "You wanted this from the beginning, didn't you? My cock buried inside you, connecting us, making us one."
"Yes," Philip moves back in rhythm with him now, pressing his body open, accepting Derek with each thrust. "You should have been mine Derek. I was the one that loved you, not Nick." ///
"Derek!" Derek jerks away from Philip's gentle touch, breathing hard, trying to regain control of his mind and body.
"No, I couldn't do that. Not to you."'
"What?" Derek heads for the door, Philip in persuit. "Derek, what's wrong?"
Derek pushes open his door and steps inside quickly closing it behind him. "No, I couldn't." He jumps as Philip knocks outside the door.
"Derek, let me in, please."
"NO!" He locks the door and leans heavily against it. "Just leave it alone, Philip."
"Derek, please. Talk ta me. Maybe I can help." Philips sighs at the silence. He waits until he hears Derek move away from the door and digs in his pocket. He pulls out a single key and slips it into the lock. It clicks louder than he'd like, but pushes the door open anyway.
Derek is lying on his bed, arms across his face. "Derek."
"How did you get in here?" Derek sits up, staring at Philip.
Philip shrugs and slips the key inside his pocket quickly. "We need to talk Derek, you need to talk." He sits down beside Derek. "What's goin on, please tell me." Derek meets his eyes finally and he can see the pain. "Tell me." The older man sits up and faces him. "Whatever it is, we'll get through it."
"Are you so sure?" Derek reaches out and touches Philip's face. The heavy lids, laced with dark lashes slide closed. How beautiful Philip was, it's no wonder Nick was attracted to him. Strong, taunt muscles, large hands. He laces his fingers in Philip's hair and pulls his head forward until their mouth meet. A quick intake of air, notes Philip's surprise in the action. He's quite pleased as his tongue meets little resistance, as it demands entry into the younger man's mouth. A low moan rumbles in Philip's throat and he breaks the kiss. "Get out."
"What? After that, you want me ta just leave."
"Yes, please."
"What if I don' want to?"
"You don't know what you're saying Philip, just leave." Derek gets off the bed and heads to the window.
"I don' understand you or Nick, you'd think ya both get off on playing with my head and my heart." He slams the heavy door behind him and heads downstairs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
to be continued.
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