Sailing For Adventure (or, the Girls We Left Behind)
Two weeks after their interesting experience at the Frank-N-Furter castle,
Dixie and Tim are off for a much-needed vacation in the Bahamas. Magenta and
Riff wave them a fond farewell at the dock (Eddie remains behind in the
refrigerator in several sealed Tupperware containers marked "leftovers").
Tim and Dix are about to board their cruise ship, the Pearl of the Pacific
when a voice calls out,
"Cap'n! Cap'n Silver!! Ahoy, Long John!!!"
They turn to see an overdressed lobster with hoop earrings s-curry-ing toward
them.
Tim [laughing:] Sorry, my impudent little crustacean, but you are obviously
confusing me with someone else.
Polly Lobster: But,--you're a dead ringer for Long John...except for having
both legs, that is.
Dix: And that's how he's going to *stay,* my shellfish friend.
Polly: But, listen, we need your *services"...Long John and the Hawkins lad
got waylaid by a press gang last night,--shanghaied off to New Guinea, the
scuttlebutt has it. And there's a vast TREASURE going begging -- OURS for the
TAKING, mateys!!
Tim and Dix look at each other skeptically and decide that they may as well
humor the little dinner entree'...they adjourn to a quayside tavern to discuss
her proposition.
Seated at a corner table in the dimly-lighted pirate hangout, Cap'n Kidd's
Entrails, the three converse...
Polly: All you need do is present yourself to Cap'n Smollett as the new sea
cook. Nothing to it.
Dix: Ahem.
Tim takes a clasp knife out of his pocket and beckons Dix nearer. He begins
to trim her hair in a boyish shag.
Tim: I go nowhere without my faithful "cabin boy," "Jim Hawkins."
Polly [rolling her eyes:] Well, be quick about it; the captain will be making
up his roster at eight bells...
Tim looks at his watch.
Dix [looking adorably boyish in her new haircut:] Why, that means you have
time...for a song!! Hit it, Tim!!
The Pirate's Farewell
Up to now, I've led a blameless life;
I seldom have been known to err or stray;
I've loved the ladies, never took a wife...
(Unless her husband looked the other way).
But now I'd like to say:
Here's a health to all my ladies,
Sweet Linda F. and Linda S.,
Dear Carol and fair Claire...
Shonie, Debra and Christine,
Trish, the Irish pirate queen,
Martha M., who has a charm
Beyond compare...
Betty Bond and Betty Thomas
(Knows more about me
Than I do myself...),
And Maria and Michelle,
Who know I love them well;
You'll see their pictures
All along my shelf,--
(Dix [aside:] That's a BIG shelf you've got there.)
There's lovely Connie
And kind Melissa,
Linda E. and Pam and Shari,
Beauties all...
And Salome, Sharon, Missy,
Betiann (ah,--kissy-kissy!),
Allison, Pierrette and Aimee
Made me fall...
Charming Susan
And cunning Carrie,
Two Mandys and a Christa;
--Who could choose?...
If I *should* decide to marry,
Why there isn't *one*
I ever could refuse!!
Dina, Chrissie and Elise
Know how hard I try to please,
(There are just so many hours in a day).
For the joys we shared between us,--
Oh, and Lizz, now circling Venus,
Forget me not, is what I'd like to say.
(Tim turns to Dix, who is playing with his clasp knife in a marked manner...)
And though I sail "on the account"
And ply the Red Sea Trade,
I'll hoist my Jolly Roger out
For thee alone, fair maid!!
Dix: Busy little beaver, aren't you?
Tim: Well, if you'd ever give me a straight answer about what you and Rowan
have been getting up to...
Dix [blushing:] He's a friend. A close friend. A dear dear very very close
close,--
Tim: Aha!!
Polly [tugging at his sleeve and being swept off the table by a swinging blow
for her pains:] Long John!! -- We've gotta get going!! Have your love-tiff
later!!
Tim and Dix give each other a long look, then lean toward each other for a
gentle kiss. Which is a mistake because the temperature immediately starts to
rise... they are just getting to the point of losing the G-rating for this
script when a rather dull-witted-looking goat, Clueless, dumps a bucket of
water over them...
Dissolve.
. . . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . *
Captain Smollett (Kermie) was relieved to welcome aboard his new cook (and the
"cabin boy").
He takes them below to show them the galley.
Smollett: I hope you'll be comfortable here, Silver...oh, I'm sorry, there's
only one bunk...
Tim and Dix [in unison:] No problem!!
Smollett [oblivious:] I think there's an extra hammock somewhere in the
fo'c's'le...
Tim and Dix exchange a smile that goes over the Captain's little green head...
Later; night on the quarterdeck:
Tim and Dix are standing at the rail, enjoying the sea breeze. The sky is
alight with a million stars.
Tim [pointing upwards:]...And that be Polaris...
Dix: "That *is,*" not "that *be,*" -- I'm not a tourist! Oh, sorry, I was
flashing back to BA II...
Tim: So! You're still besotted with that shifty, devious, totally amoral
Blackadder chap, are you!! Come here -- (pulling her roughly against his
manly, open-shirted chest) -- I don't want no dissension, just...
Dix: Ooooo, *dynamic tension*!! My favourite!! (She jumps into his arms, a
la Rocky).
. . . * . . . . . * . . . . . *
Interior, the hold. Six months later.
Polly, Clueless and the rest of the mutinous reprobates are plotting...
Polly: According to the chart Clueless,--acquired,--for us, we'll dock at the
Island tomorrow morning. Now we've got to figure out how to get ashore before
the frog and his pals dig up the treasure.
Clueless: Couldn't we just hit them on the head and drop them overboard, huh?
Polly: Oh, very cunning. Can *you* sail this ship? Or navigate? Or do
anything useful from the henchman perspective at all? Come to think of it,
apart from eating you haven't contributed much to our enterprise.
Clueless [hurt:] Who is it cleans up all the garbage, huh? And who ate the
barnacles off the hull so's we could sail faster?
Polly [waving a claw to fan the air:] Have you ever heard of Scope? Or
Listerine? Aaarrrgghh! Long John better come up with something,--and quick!
Meanwhile, in the galley,
Tim is looking through the pages of a large battered cook book: "150 Ways to
Serve Hardtack and Survive, or, Weevils Provide Needed Protein."
Dix: If you want to put the crew out of commission, I have an excellent
recipe for stuffed stoat that's never failed yet...
Tim: Sounds interesting. We'll give it a try.
. . . * . . . . * . . . . *
Dawn on Treasure Island...
Cap'n Smollett, Tim and Dix have just rowed ashore in the longboat and are
beaching it on the sandy shore.
Smolett: I can't understand it,--the whole crew lying in their bunks in a
stuffed stupor. I threw all the grog overboard before we sailed, so they
can't be intoxicated...
Tim: Err, *you* didn't make your usual hearty meal last night then, Cap'n?
Smollett: No...I just had a couple of mayflies. Want to lose a few ounces.
Tim and Dix exchange a meaningful glance and Tim mouths the words, "frog
legs."
SFX off: A girlish shriek (make that a "piggish" shriek).
Miss Piggy (Benjamina Gunn): Smollie!! My long-lost frog,--at last I've found
you!! (She notices Tim standing by in a negligently graceful attitude and gets
a very shifty look in her eyes. She starts toward him.)
Benjamina: ...I'm in the mood for,--
Dix [drawing her cutlass and stepping in front of Tim:] I'M in the mood for
pork chops!!
Benjamina [turning back to Smollett:] Point taken.
Tim takes the map out of his shirt front and unrolls it.
Tim: Well, this is convenient. According to the directions, the treasure is
buried under that palm tree.
Smollett: Excellent! But, but, with the crew incapacitated, how will we dig
it up?
Tim gives a shrill whistle and Josh, Bryan, Grant and several other Timbos
step out of the underbrush, shovels in hand.
Tim: They came ashore under cover of Darkness (as in Legend, if you don't mind
the plug) for just this contingency. Start digging, mateys!
A few minutes later, two large crates have been disinterred from the sandy
soil and Tim breaks them open with a chisel. Everyone gathers around, holding
their breaths in antici...........pation.
Dix [reaching into the first crate:] I can't believe it!! It's
incredible...stupendous... amazing...
Benjamina: Let me see, let me see!
Tim: Why, it's a hoard of all my LP's, in mint condition! Read My Lips,
Fearless, Simplicity...
Dix: And look at THIS package: it's filled with CD's of your new jazz album!!
Tim: That's odd; it hasn't been released yet.
Dix [reading the cover:] "Curry Takes A Holiday." These are priceless!!
(Cap'n Smollett reaches for the CD's and Dix holds him off with her cutlass)
-- Stand back, o slimy one,--you're not getting your slippery little green
paws on these!!
Tim [singing softly:] "You tol' me I'd be wearin' diamonds...I would have the
sharpest car in town..."
Dix [singing counterpoint:] "I'm gonna love you...like nobody's loved
you...come rain or come shine..."
The End --- or Is It? Not quite...
Our Josh had ideas of his own:
Well, I decided to go ahead and take up Martha's invitation to write by
submitting this missing scene from Act 2. You might discover why it was
omitted when you see it. So, now the guys are iambically inscribed as well.
Captain Smollett (Kermie) was relieved to welcome aboard his new cook (and
the "cabin boy") He takes them below to show them the galley...
Dix: If you want to put the crew out of commission, I have an excellent recipe
for stuffed stoat that's never failed yet...
Tim: Sounds interesting. We'll give it a try.
Resolve to depths of hold where evil henchmen congregate with some smuggled
rum and a merry tune. The tune is identifiable as one that will centuries
later be recorded by the British group "Adam and the Ants" under the title
"Jolly Roger." In its nacent form, however, the lyrics are somewhat
different...
"You'd Better Dodge Her"
In days of youth with snaggle tooth
Young Tim inflamed the ladies
Admiring eyes from lots of guys
Would fain become his mateys.
Then in a list he met this Dix who's stolen all his time:
She'd sink a ship to seal yer lips while smiling with a rhyme...
Hoist her or you'd better dodge her.
Hoist her or you'd better dodge her.
Hoist her or you'd better dodge her.
It is Timmy that we want and it's Timmy we shall have!
Josh and Grant, two miscreants
With Bryan here besides them
Will follow Tim through thick and thin
No matter who derides them.
But best beware ye those who stare, that cunning, fickle Dix
--She'll run you through, like Lizz did too, with HER popsicle sticks!
Hoist her or you'd better dodge her.
Hoist her or you'd better dodge her.
Hoist her or you'd better dodge her.
In a dress or in his pants, he's still a red-hot man!
Now Tim's mature and much more sure
Of talents God did hand him
But women will flock to him still
And rightfully demand him.
But they should fear the Dixie sneer or plot to take her life;
A point she'll make, for heaven's sake, with the sharp end of a knife.
Hoist her or you'd better dodge her.
Hoist her or you'd better dodge her.
Hoist her or you'd better dodge her.
More Curry on our plate, is the cry of ev'ry fan!
Men run to Tim, wish they were him,
And come to be his henchmen.
Truth be told, some are more bold
And wish to be his wenchmen.
But always they're faced with despair when Dix stands by his side,
Their only hope lies in strong rope to give this girl a ride...
Hoist her, 'neath the Jolly Roger,
Best not
Foist her on your little brother.
You should
Hoist her or you'd better dodge her.
Swing yer shovels hard, me lads, so's we can have our man!
Hoist her or you'd better dodge her.
Hoist her or you'd better dodge her.
Hoist her or you'd better dodge her...
[fade out]
Not Quite the End Just Yet......
. . . * . . . . * . . . . *
(--- Josh added such brilliant repartee' that I had to respond in the next
installment ;-).)
Dix: A most excellent jape (your rendering of the ballad, "You'd Better Dodge
Her"), Joshie, my lad!! I would certainly reward you for it,--IF you had
survived the voyage back to dear old Blighty...
Since thou hast dipped thy little fly into my ointment [BA II], I have no
hesitation in publishing the sadly brutal accidental *sequel* to this
particular orgy....
The drunken singing of this sea-chantey penetrated to every nook and cranny of
the good ship Hispaniola. Tim and I were in our bunk, umm, counting our
tattoos, when this hellish sound attracted our attention.
Needless to say, we had the mutinous dogs put into irons, attached in single
file by a nice heavy chain. One lovely night, when we were about halfway home
on our voyage, I took pity on the plight of these wretches down there in the
rat-ridden hold and had them brought on deck for a breath of air.
No one will ever know just how it happened (no witnesses, in other words ;-)),
but one of them clumsily unfortunately inexplicably stumbled overboard. The
rest of them followed suit, so I'm afraid that that eliminates just that much
more of the competition. Josh tried gamely to float for a few moments, but
Grant and Bryan dragged him under...it was quite gratify--ah, pathetic.
Sigh.
Naturally, I omitted this scene out of respect for their families, who have
suffered enough in one way or another...
In closing, I should like to quote the wisdom of my spiritual leader, the
worthy Cardinal Richelieu, who remarked under similar circumstances, "One less
mouth to feed!"
Josh: Glub, glub,--@#$%^&*...
. . . * . . . . . * . . . . . *
(Josh, being really hard to dispose of, riposted:)
{{snip unnecessary prose}}
You see, the reason it is unnecessary is revealed in Dixie's own written
words. She stated that when she and Tim heard the henchmen's song they put us
in irons. Unfortunately, as this song takes place at the end of Act 2 and the
opening of Act 3 has us all unearthing the priceless contents of the treasure
chest, this could not have happened as described. What does this tell us
about poor Dixie? That's right. As everyone has learned by now, I'm sure,
Dixie is subject to intensely realistic hallucinations. The one she relates
is incompatible with the real events that transpired and was triggered by the
following events....
Addendum to Revision to Act 2: After song has ended farther into the night...
[Interior shot of hold of ship looking at the ladder leading above decks. A
strong pair of familiar legs descends into the murky depths. Reaction shot of
a score of men which at first look frightened and then break into grins]
Josh: Tim! We thought you'd forgotten yer old mateys.
Tim: No, never that. Dixie is very persistent. She persists in being near me
at all times.
Bryan: Where is she now?
Tim: She's sleeping in my bunk. She's, er, well, exhausted.
[Knowing grins and winks from some of the men while others strangely appear
saddened by this news]
Grant: So, what brings you down to the hold, Long John?
Tim: I came here to warn you. You should be more circumspect in your
carousing. The regular crew may be subdued from dinner, but Dixie and I were
alert, as usual, and your song carried through the timbers. We heard every
word and I must say that Dix was not pleased.
[Scared looks greet this news, but all erupt in laughter initiated by Tim] Ha,
ha! But it sounded most appropriate. I've lost more damsels to this
enterprising lass. You should know that she plans to clap you all in irons as
soon as we've recovered the treasure. If I were you, I'd follow your own
advice and simply dodge her plans and remain on the island. You know I've
hand-picked you gentlemen of fortune over these years and I wouldn't want to
see one of you harmed. We'd best to not take her on directly.
Josh: Well, thank you. But it seems like you could have saved yourself a lot
of trouble if you simply talked Dixie into leaving us behind. Why'd you
really chance coming down here like this?
Tim: Well. To tell the truth, fidelity is beginning to wear on me. Here I am
involved in a fantasy where anything can happen and I find myself chained to
one woman at all times.
Voice from the crowd: I can change that!
[Various voices express admiration, love, and even lust for Tim whose face
reddens.]
Tim: I'm not in the habit of discussing my sex life. Although, I must admit
that treaveling with a group of loyal and fun-loving mates is not something
I'm entirely averse to.
Bryan: Speaking of chains, Tim, you know I've got an idea. Gather round
all. First of all, we have to send out a message by pigeon about a poor, lost
sea-dog...
[fade]
We rejoin the story after the treasure has been recovered...
Dix: We'll be rich! Let's return with this trove, my love. [Aside:] And we'll
take care of these intrusive pests in the bargain.
Tim: It would be so tiresome to interrupt our trysts with the responsibility
of caring for a score of prisoners.
Dix: Right. Kill 'em all. That was MY first thought, too, I just didn't
want to upset your sensitive nature.
Tim: Er, um, yes. Well, actually, I was thinking more along the lines of
abandoning them here on this remote island. Why waste good gunpowder on poor
shots?
Dix: And?
Tim: They hate you with a passion. You know they envy the, ulp, deep
committment we have. If you say that you are taking an excursion to the far
side of the island, I have no doubt that they would attempt to ambush you. I
will wait for you aboard the ship and you slip back around them and we will
leave them beached here.
Dix: Oh, well. A bit tame, I'd say, but anything for you, dear. [In a very
loud voice:] No, not yet. Let me take a look around the island before we
depart. No one will ever be here again, I'm sure. (Dix wanders off with the
henchmen sauntering after, hefting their heavy shovels.)
A quarter of an hour later, Dixie emerges from the jungle and sprints to the
ship. It is already drifting to sea and she bounds through the surf to pull
herself up on deck.
Dix: Ha, ha! Look at them! They'll be stranded there forever! Wait! I see
another ship on the far side of the island. Damn the luck! You should have
let me 'sicle them when I had the chance!
[Irons snap shut on her wrists as she's chained to the foredeck]
Dix: Hm. Something new, I see. Well, what will our fantasy be this time?
Voice: Not so fast, sister. You're under arrest for cruelty to animals!
[Dix cranes her head around:] No!
Jim Carrey: Yes. The Pet Detective has subdued another cruel seductress!
Dix: What are YOU doing here?
Jim: I heard about your antics with the sea-dog and how you cast him out to
sea when you were finished with your sick games. What you and Tim did with
those chickens and geese makes me too sick for words. I heard it all from the
poor seamen who were forced to listen to your insane actions through the ship
and even the mizzen-mast. Very limber I'll admit you are, but that's no
excuse.
Dix: Where's Tim?
Jim: Back there with them. They said they'd take him in for me. So, it's a
long ride back. What can we do to entertain ourselves? How about talking
through our butt-cheeks? Okay! (He bends over.)
Dix: No! No! No! [delirium strikes] They didn't chain me. I chained them
Right after the song. I chained THEM!
Jim: Wait! I know. I'll perform all of my movies just for you. Stay right
there. Actually, you don't really have a choice, do you? Okay, here we go...
[Long shot of the boat from the island as it sails away]
Tim: Well, that's that. Where shall we go to, mates?
Unison: Anywhere with you, Tim!
[Tim's beaming face is the last sight we see as the picture fades to black]
----- But here's what REALLY happened...;-): -----
{{snip of Josh's interesting Addendum to Revision to Act 2}}
...Tim [in the hold:] I'm not in the habit of discussing my sex life.
Although I must admit that traveling with a group of loyal and fun-loving
mates is not something I'm entirely averse to.
(And as Prince Regent George once remarked, "What could I do with a woman that
I can't do with *you* jolly good chums?" To which Edmund Blackadder replied,
with a sardonic lift of his eyebrow, "I cannot conceive." [BA III])
...Jim: I heard about your antics with the sea-dog and how you cast him out
to sea when you were finished with your sick games...
Dix: The "sea-dog" we threw overboard was bos'n's mate Israel Hands, who had
pulled a knife on me...clearly self-defense.
...Jim: What you and Tim did with those chickens and geese make me too sick
for words...
Dix: We NEEDED those feathers for our game of Settlers and Native Americans.
So there!
As for the unnecessarily manic Jim Carrey, the poster boy for Jerry Lewis-
syndrome, Dix was easily able to withstand his inept machinations by closing
her eyes and visualizing all Tim's moves,--aahh,--*movies,* with a bit of
Blackadder II for the intermission.
Carry eventually went completely round the bend and hurled himself from the
mainmast into a barrel of salted codfish, moaning, "I'm just a prawn of fate!"
The handcuffs weren't a problem; Dix has long been a student of Harry
Houdini's secrets and keeps a few lockpicks and other aids on her person for
just such emergencies.
A slight noise attracts her attention and she hurries to the side of the ship.
Tim, nearly exhausted from having swum several miles from the island, pulls
himself up the rope ladder, a hunted look in his eyes...
Dix: There, there, Baby,--(helping him over the rail onto the deck)...you look
worn out.
Tim [gasping for breath:] It was awful!! Most of the crew members had
brought along their lingerie -- those fishnets and garter belts!! Those
excessive cosmetics!! You know that I've been trying to forget!! (He sobs
convulsively.)
Dix: How insensitive! Never mind. Come down to the galley and we'll have a
game of Nuns and Novices...umm, no, in your weakened condition, we'd better
stick to the less-athletic sports...perhaps Spin the Marlinspike?
Since no one was tending the helm for the next few weeks, we went a bit off
course, eventually docking at San Francisco...
But THAT'S another story ;-)
Y("Fifteen men on a dead man's chest...some wearing makeup and pestering the
rest...")FT,
Dix
