"THE NAUGHTY PICTURES EPISODE"

Our scene opens a couple of weeks ago in the living room of Tim's home (as
seen in 'InStyle' magazine).  Tim, Dix and Rowan are enjoying the comforting
blaze of a log fire in the fireplace and Dix is busy working on a large
scrapbook/photo album.

Tim: "Aren't you about finished, Dix?  After all, I haven't made any new films
since that Addams Family thing, unless you count my Rex Pestor
characterization in the RugRats opus."

Rowan: "Yes...did you get any good shots of his voice from that one?"

Dix: "I'm working on the X-rated section...my, my,--these should really be
kept in a lead-lined box..."

Tim: "Let me see,--oops, where did you get them?!"

Rowan comes over for a look.

Rowan: "Hmm, your elastic must have broken.  I don't recall seeing these
particular shots in that Rocky Horror flick.  I'm surprised that the censor
didn't cut them out..."

Tim [flinching slightly:] "You could have phrased that more sensitively."

Dix: "These are actually black market under-the-counter outtakes.  Remember
when you did 'Rose-Tint My World' and the wardrobe mistress fainted?  With a
smile on her face?"

Tim: "Ah, vaguely..."

Rowan: "Well, if you will dress up in women's underwear you have to expect
these little mishaps.  I, on the other hand, insist on serviceable garments
that can be trusted not to, ahh, let me down."

Dix, without comment, hands him an 8"X10" colour glossy and he blushes.

Dix: "Remember the 'Mr. Bean' episode where you lost your swim trunks in the
pool?"

Rowan: "Quite.  But I was filmed from the rear only!"

Dix: "Evidently not...the lighting could be better, but someone got this
interesting shot from a different angle."

Tim: "This is serious!!  Suppose these,--explicit,--photos got into the wrong
hands!!"

Dix: "Your popularity would probably skyrocket.  Want me to call The
Enquirer?"

Rowan: "Please...I am shocked,--shocked, do you hear?--to think that you might
even envision the possibility!  Tim and I are professional artistes -- neither
of us could dream of stooping to such base methods of attracting the stares of
the bourgeoisie!!"

Dix: "I'll put you down as 'undecided' then, shall I?  Tim?"

Tim [lost in thought, a smile on his face:] "What? Oh, Rowan is right for
once...we couldn't possibly take advantage of the prurient curiosity of a few
slavering fans..."

Dix: "Right. So how many thousands of copies of each of these do you think we
should order?"

Rowan has noticed another picture facedown on the coffee table.  He picks it
up in a gingerly fashion.

Rowan: "This can't be authentic!! I distinctly remember wrapping the sheet
around me when I stood up."

Dix looks at it and smiles.

Dix: "Carelessly, it seems.  Look at 'Nurse Mary's' expression.  Miranda
Richardson is a consummate professional, but she appears to be giggling..."

Tim [looking over Rowan's shoulder:] "Oh, that scene in 'Blackadder IV' where
you were getting to know each other better.  Didn't you even wear briefs?"

Rowan [annoyed:] "Now just a garter-belt-wearing minute!! At least *I* didn't
lose my composure when Baldrick interrupted 'Lady Farrow' just as she was
about to do me a very special favour in BA II...look at this indecent photo of
yourself in that swimming pool -- how about that?  Were you trying to
anticipate Mr. Die-Hard-But-Happy Willis' over-exposure in that 'Colour of
Light' film?"

Tim: "Lies, all lies.  The director swore that he had destroyed those
negatives before we re-shot the scene."

Dix: "Boys, fellows, GENTLEMEN!! Evidently there's a cottage industry going on
right now, and someone is marketing these little beauties.  Could be a vast
underground conspiracy.  Now the question is,--"

Tim and Rowan: "How do we get our percentage!!!"


            *              *                 *



When we left our friends, Tim and Rowan were somewhat chagrined at the
discovery that some rather graphic photographs had come to their attention.
Dix, on the other hand, was philosophical (Tim: "They aren't pictures of
HER!!!"): "Give the public what it wants..."

Tim: "Say, this one is a bit odd..."

Dix: "Yes,--hand me that magnifying glass, would you?"

Rowan: "Is there any need to be insulting?"

Dix: "No...that wasn't what I meant. Look, there are letters tattooed on
Tim's, umm, anatomy..."

Rowan: "Hmm.  Looks like 'SSST'."

Tim: "Oh, God -- not *that* ancient joke!!"

Dix [sighing:] "I'm afraid so...I'm sure that at some point it would read
'Star of Stage, Screen and Television - No Autographs Please.'"

Tim: "Charming.  In that case, Rowan probably has something like [singing]:
'The sound of hoofbeats cross the glade --'"

Rowan [joining in:] "'--Good folk, lock up your son and daughter...'"

Dix [lending her alto:] "'Beware the deadly flashing blade...'"

All [cheerily:] "'Unless you want to end up shorter...Black Adder, Black
Adder, he rides a pitch-black steed...Black Adder, Black Adder,--he's very bad
indeed!'"

Rowan: "If that were the case, I would now be in the Museum of Natural History
-- but thank you for the compliment. I think."

Dix: "But, kidding aside, fellows, we all know that neither of you has *any*
tattoos... I'm beginning to smell a CGI influence."

Rowan: "Not me. I gave up smoking five years, two months, four days, eleven
hours, twenty-two minutes and--[consulting his wrist watch] 16 and a half
seconds ago."

Tim [changing the subject:] "I see -- Computer-Generated Imagery.  Amazing
what can be done with just a little imagination."

Rowan: "Speak for yourself."

Tim has been closely examining the back of one of the prints.

Tim: "Look here.  If I'm not mistaken, that's a company logo."

Dix: "You're right. It says 'AGOG -- A Glimpse of Greatness.'"

Rowan: "It should read 'A Glimpse of Something Dangling from a Rutland Tree,'
if you take my meaning. And I'm sure that you do.  Is there an address?"

Tim: "It looks like 1313 Cypress Gardens, Encinatas."

Dix: "What are we waiting for? [singing]: 'I'm gonna buy a paper doll / That I
can call my own..."

Tim and Rowan both groan.


                   *               *                *


Tim, Dix and Rowan are hot on the trail of a nefarious ring of "undercover"
entrepeneurs who have been doctoring certain star photos in an unseemly manner
calculated to arouse voyeuristic titillation in otherwise wholesome depictions
of our talented friends.

Dix: "These are *hot* shots, too."

Rowan: "I don't take it kindly that they've umm, lowered my Y-fronts in this
innocent Bean poster."

Tim is driving his Acura Legend, Dix beside him in front.  Rowan is sharing
the back seat with Frank, who is languidly looking out the window.  

Tim: "Well, here we are in beautiful downtown Encinitas...this seems to be a
nice peaceful little village."

Dix: "Yes.  And I know that you'll be happy to know that its La Paloma Theatre
is now running RHPS every Saturday night."

Rowan: "For nostalgia buffs, no doubt."

Tim: "Talk to me about it when 'Bean' enters its 24th year of continous
showings."

Dix: "Isn't that Cypress Gardens ahead?"

They turn into a pleasant tree-lined street and Tim eases the car into the
nearest parking space.

Rowan: "That must be it -- that pseudo-Tudor cottage with the sundial and the
dolphin fountain..."

Tim: "...and the sign on the door that reads, 'No Solicitors, Beware of Dog,
and Armed Response.'"

Dix: "Maybe we'd better leave Frank in the car -- whoops!!" 

Frank is having none of this; he wriggles past her and trots up the path to
the door.

Tim knocks and in a moment the door opens three inches, the extent of the
chain lock.  A sweet-looking tiny old lady peers up at him, then she
disengages the chain and swings the door wide.

Old Lady: "Oh, my,--won't you come in?  What an honour!!  Spencer Tracy in
person!!"

Tim rolls his eyes, but crosses the threshold nervously.

Rowan and Dix follow, Frank at their heels.

Old Lady: "--Oh, this is too exciting!!  Clark Gable and Myrna Loy!!" [she
blinks up at them through the thick glasses of her oldfashioned pince-nez]"And
what a mercy that I've just baked some of my currant-rhubarb scones!  Do have
a chair and I'll fetch you some."

She starts to bustle out of the room, then turns,

Old Lady: "Silly me,--I never introduced myself.  Hermione Blesse-Buttons,
Music-Hall and Legitimate Stage, when there was such a thing..."  [she potters
off to the kitchen, chatting to herself]

 Dix: "This may not be as easy as we thought -- does either of you want to
confront her with the 'evidence'?"

Tim: "We-e-ell...some of those former cabaret artists are pretty worldly..."

Dix silently hands him a couple of the photos; he glances at them and hastily
stuffs them into his pocket.

Rowan: "I see your point.  Ah, let me rephrase that: perhaps we could get her
talking about any interest in umm, Art Photography that she might have."

Hermione returns, pushing a tea cart holding a plate of  lumpy-looking scones
and a pot of tea.  She pours out cups for all and passes the scones...Frank
nibbles on Tim's scone, then stalks away with an insulted expression.

Tim: "We were wondering if you could help us.  We're trying to find out the,
aahh, distributor of some publicity photos produced without our knowledge..."

Hermione: "Oh, you must want that strange little fellow -- Peter Lorre I
think, who used to live here.  He did some lovely work for me, portraits of my
cat Malificia, who is, alas, no more."

Dix: "Oh, too bad."

Hermione: "Yes.  But the little fellow insisted on preparing dinner for me
that evening -- with such a lovely custard to follow.  The Steak Bernaise was
a bit odd, but not everyone seasons it in the same manner."

Frank takes this opportunity to be sick on the carpet.  Feeling much better,
he patters over to a beaded curtain in a doorway to one side of the parlour.
Grasping the lower beaded cords in his teeth, he gives them a hearty yank.

Hermione jumps to her feet, knocking over the tea trolley.

Hermione [agitatedly:] "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!!"

Tim, Dix and Rowan cross the room immediately and pull the curtain aside.

Dix: "Well, well.  The 'Great and Wonderful Wizard', I presume?"

The inner room is a sort of artist's studio:  on every wall are blowups of
familiar faces and bodies, mostly of Tim and Rowan but several lesser actors
as well.  In the center of the room is a computer, laser printer and component
hardware for every possible need.  And at the computer keyboard sits --

Rowan: "Baldrick!!!"

Dix: "Baldrick?"

Tim: "I don't believe it!"

Rowan: "Nor do I.  Baldrick is not and has never been intelligent enough to
change his underwear.  And since no one within living memory has, or ever
will, offer to show him how --"

Baldrick: "What's 'underwear', my lord?"

Rowan: "I rest my case.  Baldrick, just what do you think you're doing and why
are your fingers resting on that keyboard?"

Baldrick [proudly:] "I'm making illustrations for medical books, my lord."

Rowan: "No, you're not.  Don't try to tell me that you would be capable of
steering a dung cart on the so-called Information Highway'."

Baldrick: "I didn't think I could either, but the lady says I'm a idiotic
servant so I tried."

Tim: "'Idiot Savant.'  Let's see what you can do with this [he takes a photo
from his billfold and hands it to Baldrick]."

Baldrick promptly scans the picture, saves it to a disc and pops it into the
slot.  Tim turns to Dix and points out a large interesting still life of Rowan
that she has overlooked.  Behind her, Baldrick's hands race over the computer
keyboard...

Baldrick: "All done."

Rowan: "Ah,--Good Lord!!  Make me a copy. Make several, in fact."

Dix: "What,--hang on a minute,--that photo of me at Disneyland!! No one rides
the Matterhorn bobsled in *that* outfit!!!  Fellows..."

Tim: "Turn about is fair play, Love Muffin.  Let's go tell Hermione that her
little game is up."

Rowan: "Oh, yes.  Come along, Balders, your new career is terminated."

But when they return to the parlour, nothing remains of 'Hermione' except a
white curly wig and a pair of pince-nez.

Dix: "You don't suppose she...melted, do you?"

A garage door hums into place and the sound of a motorcycle fades into the
distance.


                *                   *               *


Our intrepid trio, after tracing the creator of those altered photos, is now
taking time out to regroup and incidentally have a fortifying meal at an
Italian restaurant.

Tim: "Well, half our task is finished. But we still need to catch up with the
person who is distributing those prints."

Dix: "Right...mmm, these are good vegetables."

Tim: "That reminds me -- Rowan, what did you do with Baldrick?"

Rowan: "Not to worry, I chained him to the wall in your patio."

Dix: "Good.  Did you give him anything to eat?"

Rowan: "Ah, well, you'll say I'm spoiling him, but it's not every day that he
demonstrates some slight ability to interact with creatures above the two-cell
life form...I left a bowl of Kibbles 'n' Bits almost within his reach."
     *                   *                    *

Next morning, Tim, Dix and Rowan are lounging outdoors on Tim's patio
discussing the day's agenda.  Baldrick is frisking around the lawn with Frank,
trying to get the more intelligent animal to throw him a ball.

Tim: "It seems to me that the photos themselves are our best starting point.
Where did you get them, Dix?"

Dix: "That's the funny part.  I was doing some early Christmas shopping last
month on Hollywood Boulevard.  You know that 'Collectors' shop at Hollywood
and Vine, the one that carries all the movie star memorabilia?"

Rowan: "Don't tell me you bought them there!!"

Dix: "No, no.  I picked up a few items and left.  But as I was walking back to
the car, a bag lady walked up to me and handed me a bulky manila envelope.
'You dropped this, Miss,' she muttered, and then scurried off down an alley.
I had quite a few packages, so I didn't think anything of it until I got back
here and opened it up..."

Tim: "Odd. What did she look like?"

Dix: "Now that you mention it, there was something familiar about the way she
scurried.  Her face was half hidden in the folds of a ratty-looking shawl..."

Rowan: "I suggest that we return to the scene of the incident.  Even if it
leads to a dead end, *I* need to start *my* Christmas shopping."

That afternoon our friends have posted themselves in nonchalant attitudes
along Hollywood Boulevard, all keeping a sharp lookout for suspicious-looking
bag ladies.  Tim has brought Frank along on a leash and Rowan has Baldrick
(also on a leash).

Suddenly, Frank jerks free and scampers after a smartly-dressed blonde who is
just about to mail a large manila envelope at a corner post box.  He snatches
the envelope out of her hand.  

Tim:"Frank!!  Oh, excuse me -- I don't know what got into him."

The blonde seems anxious to leave; she keeps her head turned away as she
murmurs, "That's all right,--"

Baldrick, with Rowan holding his leash, walks up to the others.

Baldrick: "Hello, Miss Christine."

Dix takes the envelope from Frank, whose teeth have loosened the flap, and a
sheaf of glossies tumbles to the sidewalk...

Later. Christine Z has accepted Tim's pressing invitation to come along to his
home so that the matter can be threshed out.

Christine [innocently:] "It was all so innocent at the start...Baldrick came
over to borrow a couple of turnips one day and I happened to be making some
wallpaper for my web site.  When I went into the kitchen to get the turnips,
he began to play with the computer -- and when I saw the results, well..."

Baldrick: "So she dressed up like that Hermy lady in case anyone got the idea
to do themselves a medical book like the one what she was going to do."

Rowan: "Baldrick.  You knew that it was Christine, disguised, and didn't
bother to mention it to us?"

Baldrick: "Nobody asked me, my lord [ouch!]"

Tim: "I'm afraid that we'll have to confiscate your umm, masterpieces.  I
don't think that the world is ready for these."

Christine folds her arms and sits back in her chair: "No power on earth can
force me to relinquish them! [she snaps her fingers] They're mine, do you
hear?!! *Mine!!!*"

Baldrick: "I know a power what can force her."

Rowan: "Well, out with it then!"

Baldrick leaves the room.  He returns with another manila envelope and hands
it to Rowan.

Tim: "What,--not MORE naughty pictures?!"

Dix: "Let's see....How interesting.  These must have been taken during that
last big Timbo convention...I didn't know that Cap'n Martha had that cute
tattoo of Long John...and look at Linda F's mole...funny, that looks just like
the mole you used to have on your neck, Tim."

Rowan: "Isn't that Betty T, in that pretty string of beads?  And who is this
sweet creature with the large, ah, never mind..."

Tim: "These are...awesome."

Christine: "What??!!!  Let me see those!!!"

Dix carefully holds the photos out of Christine's reach as she points out the
lovely pose of Christine herself, wearing nothing but a small RHPS balloon and
a big smile...

Later, after Christine has capitulated and promised to destroy the remaining
photos in exchange for her own portrait, Tim, Dix and Rowan are quietly
meditating around the fireplace.

Dix: "Lucky that there aren't any cameras around, hmm, fellows?"

Rowan [nibbling on her neck:] "Indeed."

Tim: "Did you lock Baldrick in the cellar as I suggested?"

Dix: "Tim, you know that you don't have a cellar."

Rowan: "Time out,--Baldrick!!"

Baldrick walks in, holding an empty bowl.

Baldrick: "Please, my lord, could I have some more of them nice crunchy bits?"

The End. For Now.

Y(busy 'meditating')FT,
Dix

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