The Road to Culver City

Remember all those great "Road" pictures, starring Bob, Bing and Dottie??
 Well, pull up a chair while I desecrate,--um, pay homage to them....

It is midnight and three familiar figures are strolling along the sidewalk
outside Culver City Studios.  As they pass under a streetlight, we can
recognize our intrepid trio: Tim, Dix and Rowan.

Tim:...Those kids are real troupers...we had to reshoot the trained-wombat
scene twelve times, and neither of them fainted from exertion.

Dix: Annie did a nice job in the shower scene, I thought.

Rowan: Well, not to be picky, but I seemed to recognize similarities to my
own turn with Molly, the inexpensive prostitute in Blackadder II...quite
derivative, actually.

Tim: I *thought* those lines sounded familiar.

Rowan: Yes..."When you should be whispering sweet nothings into my ear, like
'Look,--something twice the size of the Empire State Building...'" and so on.

Dix: Yes, dear, I know them by heart. Well, Timmy, at least you have ten
episodes in the can now,--you'll be able to go on location for "There's No
Fish Food in Heaven."  Can't they do *something about that title??!!

Tim: My suggestion was, "Killer Carps From Another Planet," but they just
gave me the fish eye...

Rowan: I don't envy you.  My big-screen "Mr. Bean" film will be opening
momentarily and we had to use deadly force to prevent Burt Reynolds from
appearing in his vaseline-and-cowboy-boots wardrobe... Man looked ridiculous;
one hated having to destroy his self-confidence, but it had to be done.

As our friends pass the studio gate, Dix notices something odd.

Dix: That's funny...

Rowan: Not actually.  He looked like a giant slug. From Texas.

Tim [looking where Dix is pointing]: You're right,--there's a light in Studio
12,--and we finished taping hours ago.

Dix: Let's investigate.

To...Be...Continued...

Watch this space for action, thrills, unrequited love, requited love and
other neat stuff [G].


   
                 *                     *                  *



We left our brave protagonists outside Culver City Studios, about to
investigate the light burning in Studio 12...

Tim, Dix and Rowan have entered the studio itself, using Tim's personal key.
 As they approach the deserted stage, the only light comes from the
footlights. Onstage is the standing set for "Over the Top," the "living room"
of Annie's "inn."

Tim: Everything seems to be in order...

He crosses the stage and bends over to examine something on the coffee table
in front of the sofa.

Tim:...except this.  Wonder what it's doing here?

Rowan and Dix join him.

Rowan: A taped cassette of "The Life of Shakespeare," starring Tim Curry.  I
didn't know that this was available in the U.S.

Dix: It isn't...look at the label,--it's dubbed in Italian.

Tim: Yes, it's been shown all over Europe. ABC got skittish and refused to
release it here, God knows why.

Rowan: Perhaps it isn't violent enough?

Dix walks over to the mantel and picks up another find: a foot-long piece of
rolled black satin.  She unrolls it and holds it up.  Embroidered on it is a
coiled snake, looking annoyed, and the legend: "Don't Tread On Me, You
Bastards!"

Rowan: Why, that's the Blackadder flag!  What on earth is it doing here?

Tim: This is supposedly a closed set;--evidently, there's a serious problem
in personnel...

He begins to cross the stage toward Dix, when suddenly a rope swings down
from the overhead flies, a rope that has an attractive brunette in a black
mask and a leopard-skin sarong clinging to it.  The woman grasps Tim's arm
and they both swing offstage left...

Dix stands speechless at this unexpected development.

Rowan:  Ah.  Alone at last...

  
                *                      *                  *


Rowan and Dix are standing on the "Over the Top" stage, eyeing each other
meaningfully.  Tim, who was with them a moment ago, has
disappeared,--spirited away by a leopard-clad masked female...

Dix:..You have...the *brownest* eyes, Rowan...

Rowan: And yours are...bluer than the fabled Stone of Galveston...

He takes her in his arms and she tilts her face up to his.

                        *     *     *

Half an hour later:

Rowan and Dix are seated on the sofa onstage.  Rowan's hair is mussed and Dix
smooths it tenderly.  Rown moves restlessly and reaches between the sofa
cushions, pulling out a slightly bent book.

Dix: What's that?

Rowan: Hmm. "A Guide to New Orleans."

Dix: Wait...that was the locale for "Gabriel Knight," Tim's computer
game,--OOPS!!,--Tim may be in danger!!

Rowan: Yes, I suppose so. [He leans back comfortably.]

Dix: Come on!! We've got to rescue him from that woman's clutches!!

Rowan [yawning]: Oh, very well.  Cambridge man and all that.  Not *quite* the
old school tie, but still...

Dix has hurried into the corridor toward the dressing rooms, Rowan at her
heels.  She holds up a hand for silence.

From behind a door,

Female voice:  "...Shall I compare thee to a summer's day..."

Dix: That voice!!  It's Linda Fletcher!!!

      To Be Continued...

(The plot thickens, do it not??? [evil laughter])


                *                   *                      *


When last we saw our friends, Dix and Rowan had just spent a little quality
time together in the absence of Tim, who had been daringly abducted from
under their noses.  As soon as they could spare the time, Dix and Rowan began
to search for their missing comrade.

Dix heard a voice reciting Shakespeare from behind a closed dressing room
door and cried,--

Dix: ---It's Linda Fletcher!! Break the door down, Rowan!! Before it's too
late!!

Rowan steps forward, tries the knob and swings the door open...

Inside the room, seated at the dressing table is Linda Fletcher, a book of
Shakespeare's sonnets open before her.  She is tied securely to the chair by
a pair of fishnet stockings.

Dix:  Hmm.  And you just got back from*New Orleans,* didn't you?  Nice
sarong, Linda.  What have you done with Tim?

Linda [innocently:] Tim? Why, nothing...Why, do you think I should?

Rowan steps behind the chair to examine the knots.

Rowan: Who tied you up, a sailor?

Linda [sulkily:] Someone hit me over the head.  I didn't see who it was, but
I have my suspicions.

Dix: And I suppose the effects of concussion caused you to sit here reciting
poetry to yourself?

Linda: I was planning to memorize *all* the sonnets in case I, umm, felt like
quoting them to someone...sometime...

Dix: Uh-hyh.  Come on, Rowan,--ouch!! (She picks up an odd metal gadget that
she has just stepped on, and turns it over in her hands.)

Rowan [looking at it:]  Funny place to find a ship's sextant...

Dix: Oh, Rowan, get your mind off,--ah, I see...

SFX off: A car motor starting up.

Dix: Come on!!  (She grabs Rowan's arm and they head for the door.)

Linda: Wait!! Aren't you going to cut me loose!!

Dix: That's *just* what we're doing, dear,--but don't worry, you can memorize
the rest of the book!!


Dix and Rowan, on hearing an automobile engine revving up outside the studio,
race for the outside door.  Panting, they catch sight of a large black
limousine just pulling away from the curb.

Dix: That's Tim in the back seat!! I'd recognize that curly head anywhere!!

Tim's Acura Legend is parked down the block where our trio left it earlier in
the evening, so they hurry to give chase (Dix carries a spare key for just
such emergencies).

Rowan: Shall I drive?

Dix: Perhaps I'd better,--I've SEEN you drive.

Rowan [looking hurt:] Never mind the Mr. Bean antics,--I'm a collector of
classic autos AND a damn' fine motorist.

Dix: Okay, but hurry,--and remember we use the *right* side of the road.

The black limo has distanced them by a couple of blocks but Rowan and Dix
keep it in view.

Dix: You know, that driver and the other passenger looked awfully familiar to
me...

Rowan: That driver is a female.  She has the hands of a woman.

Dix: Are you sure?

Rowan: Indubitably.  And she had the...upper form of a woman as well.

Dix takes a folding pair of high-power binoculars out of her purse and
focuses them on the limo as it makes a left turn.

Dix: Betty Thomas!!  No WONDER she's such an authority on Tim,--she gets her
information first-hand!!

Rowan [skilfully maneuvering the Legend between a large truck and a
motorcyclist:]  Can you tell who the other is?

Dix [lowering the glasses:] I should have known when I found that Blackadder
flag... it's my Cuz, Carol...

The black limo puts on a burst of speed but Rowan maintains the distance
between them.  They have left Culver City behind and are now on a winding
road going up into the Hollywood Hills.

Dix: Wonder where they're taking him?

Rowan: Isn't that some sort of a castle up the hill?...

The limo turns into a gated driveway before the large dark mansion and Tim,
Betty and Carol get out and walk up the steps.  Betty opens the carved oak
door with a large key and they all enter, closing the door behind them.

Rowan has parked the Legend in the shadow of a tall hedge and he and Dix are
planning their next move...

Dix: Mmmm, Rowan...stop nibbling on my ear for a moment, I'm trying to plan
my next move...


                  *                    *                    *


Dix and Rowan are formulating a cunning plan in order to storm the mansion
and set Tim free...

Dix: Let me think...if you were to climb that tree at the side, you could get
in through that open second-floor window.

Rowan: If I were to climb that tree, my film company would immediately cancel
my accident insurance.  Let's think of something else.

Dix looks around and sees a suitcase in the back seat of the car.

Dix [opening the case:] It's lucky that you're wearing a black suit...AND
that Tim travels so much that he always carries some luggage along.  Hmm,
these hankies should help me improvise...

Inside the mansion, Betty Thomas is carrying a tray of drinks to the living
room when she hears a knock at the door.  Setting the tray down on a side
table, she goes over to the door and says,

Betty: Yes?  Give the password.

Muffled voice from outside: Umm, ahhh, "Peace, Love and Curry?"

Betty smiles and opens the door.

Rowan and Dix are on the steps, somewhat disguised.  Rowan has parted his
hair in the middle and slicked it down, and is wearing glasses.  Dix is
dressed in one of Tim's black silk shirts and has tied two white hankies at
her waist to simulate an apron; another hanky is doubling as a perky 'cap.'

Betty flinches slightly.

Betty: And you two are...?

Dix: [bobbing a curtsy:] Zis is Crumpet, zee new butler, Madame, and I am
Felice, zee maid.  We are sent from zee employment azhency, comprenez-vous?

Betty: Umm, that's odd,--I didn't CALL the agency.

Rowan: Ah, but we at "Servants Superior" pride ourselves on anticipating the
clients' needs in all ways...

He goes over to the drinks tray and picks it up with a flourish.

Rowan: Permit me, ma'am.

Betty: Well...you have references, I assume?

Dix: [following Rowan toward the living room:] Oh, mais oui, Madame...of the
finest.  And you shall see them soon.

The living room is filled with people. Familiar people. Most are female, but
there are several men as well.

Dix [sotto voce to Rowan:] My God!,--It's a Timbo convention!!

A woman seated near the fireplace beckons to Rowan and takes a drink from his
tray.

Dix [whispering:] Cap'n Martha!!

Lizz and Christine Z. approach and accept drinks from Rowan, who bows
deferentially.

Tim, looking rather apprehensive, is seated on a divan in the center of the
room, flanked by Carol and Betty Thomas while several other eager Timbos
crowd around.

Martha [raising her voice to be heard above the giggling and squeaking:] Now,
the reason I have called this meeting...


              *                    *                     *


Dix and Rowan, in disguise, find themselves in the midst of a gathering of
over-excited Timbos who have Tim surrounded...

Martha: Now, we all agree on the main point: we would like to see Tim doing
projects that are truly WORTHY of his amazing talents...

[muttering in the crowd: "No more McHale's Navy crap! Congo-shmongo!"]

Martha [continuing:] ...so we have come together, our little family as you
might say, to offer suggestions to our favourite actor [nodding and smiling
at Tim]...Yes, Lizz?

Lizz: I want to see him doing steamy bedroom scenes,--and I want to
co-star!!!

Martha: Yes, well, let's try to keep within the bounds of reality, shall we?
 Bryan?

Bryan: Captain Ahab!! Harpooning Moby Dick!! Or, he could gain a few pounds
and PLAY Moby Dick!!

Christine Z. [waving her hand:] "Return to Muppet Treasure Island!!"  With
dancing girls...I have a grass skirt...

A chorus of voices: Hamlet!!!!

Carol [eagerly:] Yes!!! And he could wear those very very tight tights!!!

Tim, overwhelmed, stands up and raises his hands for attention.  (Betty
Thomas and Carol also stand and each takes hold of one of Tim's thighs.)

Tim [looking trapped, as he is:] I have a simple request for all you dear
people... [singing:]

Don't typecast me
As your Heav'n or Hades,--
I need to be free!!
--Just want to be me,
Though I'm called
A devil with the ladies!!
Let me be the villain
Or the clown,--
Let me wear the motley
Or the crown,--
If the public cheer
While critics frown,
Not to be afraid is
My highest aim;
Let the others tame
Simple lines and bit-parts;
*I* like miss-or-hit parts,
So, please heed my pleading,
Gentlemen and ladies,
I know what I'm needing---

[He sits down abruptly, dislodging Betty and Carol]

---And, I know who this "maid" is!!
(Pulling Dix down on his knee and planting a kiss on her startled lips.)

[shrieks and confusion among the other Timbos]

Rowan steps over with his tray and pretends to stumble, spilling the
remaining drinks in Tim's lap...also drenching Dix who is sitting there.

Rowan: Oops.

Tim: You'll have to excuse me while I go and attend to my (gesturing) wet
things...

He, Dix and Rowan make an unobtrusive exit while the others mill around,
arguing about the types of roles Tim should be playing.

Outside in the hall, our trio are heading for the door.

Tim: Thanks, Rowan.  When Betty and Carol had me by the legs, I was afraid
that they might be going to make a wish...

Rowan: Not at all.  It must be really frightful to attract publicity.

Dix: I do the rock, myself,--could we hurry a bit?  There may be others
lurking around here...

As Tim, Dix and Rowan make tracks for the Legend, they are brought up short
by a motorcyclist dismounting beside the car. The cyclist is wearing a
helmet,--and a leopard sarong.

Linda: Thought you'd throw me off your trail, did you?

Dix: Ah, hello Linda...nice to see you.  And how did you get out of your
bonds, by the way?

Linda: The night watchman, Tom Arnold, heard me reciting Shakespeare and he
couldn't take it any longer...

Rowan: Probably couldn't understand it either.

Linda:...so he set me free.

Tim: How kind of him.  Wonder how he likes his new job?

Rowan: After having sat through McHale's Navy, I should say that he's finally
found his true calling in life.

Linda: Never mind him!!!  [her voice rising to a shriek] I didn't come all
the way from Iowa to discuss cretins!!

SFX: [slap!!]

Tim: Uh, Dix...

Dix: Well, I had to stop her screaming.  If we don't get going, we'll be up
to our necks in frustrated Timbos.

A dark shape suddenly steps out of the shadows behind Linda and raises an arm
holding a tree branch....

[thump]

Linda: What do you think you're doing?!  Good thing I still have my helmet
on!!

Rowan grabs the dark figure. It is masked and he pulls the mask away,
revealing

Dix: Dina!!! Now it all fits.  I knew that the other Timbos were much too
clever to go scattering clues all over the place, and NONE OF THOSE CLUES
POINTED TO YOU!!!

Dina [smiling sarcastically:] Think *you're* pretty clever, don't you?

Dix: Clever enough to remember that you were one of the few people who
actually got in to the "Over the Top" pilot taping and hence would know the
studio layout.

Rowan [looking at his wrist watch:] Well, chaps, all's well that ends, etc.

Tim: Ah, yes,--what a time we've had.

Dix [coyly:] I can be had...

Tim and Rowan: And don't we know it!!

Linda and Dina: Uh, fellows...

Dix [hefting the branch in a meaning way:] Why don't you ladies go water the
plants or feed the ducks...while you still have your health...

Linda and Dina stroll slowly away, muttering under their breaths.

Rowan: It's nearly daybreak.  What say we go out for a curry or something?

Dix: Oh, *this* Curry is all I require. (She notices a bit of lacy fabric
sticking out of his jacket pocket and pulls it out. It is a delicate lace
hanky.)

Dix [sniffing at it:] A haunting perfume...and initialed too: "C.D."  Tim,
you were just in Australia,--and I thought you told me you didn't KNOW Claire
Douglas!!!

Tim [looking quite guilty:] Now, Dix,--wait!! I can explain!!

Rowan [smiling thoughtfully:] Somehow, I doubt it...

      The End

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