"The Adventure of the African Mines (or, King Solomon's Queen)"

Owing to the ever-increasing number of requests (and the usual princely
bribes) it seems about time to check in with our tangled trio and find out
what they have been up to behind our backs...

Part One

It is nearing evening of another perfect day in Equatorial East Africa.  The
temperature has dropped from a cozy 120 degrees Fahrenheit to a brisk 97 and
the purple dusk begins to enfold the tropical jungle.  Bright-coloured macaws
squawk annoyingly to their mates as in a small clearing a jaguar lifts its
blood-dripping jaws from the unidentifiable carcass of a slower-moving
animal...The jaguar has heard an alien sound that causes him to slink into the
underbrush, leaving his repast for possible sandwiches later.

SFX:  A broken rattling roar as of a small aircraft with serious engine
problems, followed by a definite crash.

The plane, badly crumpled, has come to rest at the base of an old and massive
breadfruit tree.  A few old and massive breadfruits drop onto the fuselage,
causing more dents in the overall wreckage.  The cabin door buckles outward,
pushed by desperate hands...

Dix falls through the open door, landing on her hands and knees on the leafy
jungle floor.  Tim and Rowan struggle out after her and attempt to brush
themselves off.

Dix: "Lucky we had our seat belt on."

Rowan [holding his stomach:]  "If I may be allowed a tiny quibble, next time
let's rent a plane with more than *one* seat belt.  My kidneys have gone into
total arrest and my floating ribs seem to have capsized."

Dix: "Nag, nag, nag. At least we're all in one piece."

Tim [laying aside the steering wheel in his hands:] "Don't mean to distract
you, but don't you think we're quite near the Lost Valley of the Incredibly
Colossal Bad-Tempered King Apes?  And I think I see one clambering over that
mass of twisted metal that was formerly the tail section of our illfated
craft."

Rowan: "Oh, bugger.  Baldrick survived too."

Dix: "I thought you found him a new home before we left?"

Rowan: "I did.  On a moonless night under cover of darkness I stuffed him into
a Salvation Army bin in Fresno.  I even dropped a couple of mouldy turnips in
with him.

Tim: "As a parting gift?"

Rowan: "As a 'good riddance to bad rubbish, never wish to see you again' token
actually."

Dix: "Oh, well, perhaps we can use him somehow.  (licking her lips:) You do
realize that unless we find some kind of food soon, we may be forced to eat
each other?"

Tim [backing away:]  "There's no need to start *now*--"

Rowan: "Has anyone seen the charts?  They may be of help in figuring out our
location."

Baldrick [looking guilty as usual:] "Would they be them little papery things,
my lord?"

Rowan [ominously:] "Yesss."

Baldrick: "Them little papery things with lines and writing on them?"

Tim: "Yes."

Baldrick: "I got hungry back there in the baggage compartment,--"

Dix: "You didn't *eat* them!"

Baldrick: "No, they was too dry.  But I needed a fire to cook my sausages
with,--"

Rowan picks up a petrified breadfruit and brings it down on Baldrick's head,
not wishing to hear any more.

Tim: "Well, now we know why the plane was leaving a trail of thick black smoke
even before the engine failed.  I suggest that we hack our way through the
foliage back to the beach we saw as we were ditching."

Rowan: "Hack?  With a nail file, which is the only edged instrument I possess
at the moment?"

Dix: "Tim's Swiss Army knife to the rescue...(looking at the closely-matted
foliage and the towering trees) and we'd better get started."


                    *              *                *

Several days later...

An idyllic scene greets our eyes:  in a sunny cove near a sandy beach stands
an attractive hut made of poles and palm fronds.  In the branches of a large
deodar tree behind it is a lookout platform.  Rowan is standing on it at the
moment, hands to his eyes in lieu of binoculars, gazing out to sea.

Below, Tim is lounging in a lawn chair of woven branches, sipping coconut milk
through a reed and nibbling on dried banana slices.  Dix is a few feet away
relaxing on a suspiciously fresh-looking jaguar skin rug and plaiting red
hibiscus blossoms around the brim of her straw hat.

A radio is playing in the background, "Rum and Coca-Cola," on an oldies
station.

Tim [petulantly, to Dix:]  "Explain to me again why it took you and Rowan
three hours to gather half a dozen coconuts and a basket of hibiscus
blossoms."

Dix [evasively:] "Now, now.  I told you that we had to find a tree that
Baldrick could climb...he fell out of the first few, onto his head,
fortunately."

Rowan [climbing down to join them:]  "And I didn't say a word when the two of
you went fishing in that mysterious jungle stream for half a day and came back
with two small inedible fish and a very unconvincing explanation."

Dix [mechanically:] "Boys, boys.  You've both done such magnificent work on
our little campsite -- don't spoil it by quarreling.  I had no idea that you
knew how to build shelters and furniture, Tim."

Tim [modestly:] "Oh, I get around.  I didn't waste my time on that 'Wild
Thornberrys' set."

Dix: "And Rowan got the plane radio working as well as rigging up the little
generator so we can have a night light."

Tim: "Too bad he didn't fix the radio so we could submit instead of just
receive..."

Dix: "Speaking of submitting,--"

Rowan [cutting in:] "As soon as you find me a two-inch mercury cathode tube,
serial number X14B336821 and a reel of six-ply copper flex, I'll be able to
*transmit* any message you like.  I rigged new knobs for it out of bits of
bone and seashell, but vaccuum tubes don't grow on trees."

Baldrick comes staggering through the underbrush, bowed by the weight of two
leaking woven water buckets.

Rowan: "About time.  (checking his wristwatch) The clams should have been
steaming ten minutes ago; have you no sense of propriety?  It's bad enough
that the tea substitute we found seems to cause hallucinations...."

Dix [giggling:] "If you're really good to me, I won't tell anyone about you
and Tim doing that fan dance up and down the beach last night. Entertaining
though it was..."

Tim [hurriedly to Dix:]   "Precious one!! Are you sure that you're comfortable
there in the hot sun?  Come over here (patting the woven leaf-stuffed cushion
of the chair) and let me fan your tired brow."

Rowan [flushing slightly:] "I think that the less said about fans just now,
the better." 

Baldrick [helpfully:] "I liked the bit where they linked arms and sung that
they was two little goblins,--"

Rowan casually trips Baldrick, who lands perilously near the rocky little
cliff beside them.

Rowan: "Can you swim, Balders?"

Baldrick: "No, my lord."

Rowan: "Good." (He pushes Baldrick over the edge and he splashes in the water
below.  Then Baldrick stands up, the water only reaching his knees.) "Curses,
foiled again."

Dix: "This certainly is a restful holiday...I'll be sure to recommend the
coast of Africa to all my friends when we get home, but in the meantime
shouldn't we try setting up some kind of signal for passing ships?"

Tim: "What passing ships?  I think we're off the regular shipping lines here.
And the only plane we've seen was that jet that was so high it looked like a
silver mosquito on amphetamines."

Rowan: "Hmm.  I never really wanted the responsibily of colonizing a new
settlement either.  We only have two flares, so we mustn't waste them.  I
suppose that we could rig up some sort of S.O.S. sign on the beach...it will
take our minds off the fact that we are probably doomed..."


             *                  *                     *

Although bludgeoned by cruel fate, as so often has been happening, our hardy
friends refuse to bow to the inevitable. They have been busily putting some
contingency measures into place:  a 20-foot stack of dry twigs and branches
ready to be ignited as a signal fire and on the beach they have spelled out
"SOS" with masses of scarlet hibiscus blooms.

Now they are lying down in exhaustion, sipping slightly-fermented coconut milk
and contemplating their situation.  

Naturally Baldrick chooses this solemn moment to sidle up to Rowan in a
conspiratorial manner...

Baldrick [ever the little optimist:]  "My lord, I have a cunning plan!"

Rowan [setting down his coconut and giving Baldrick a long, level stare:]
"Somehow, I doubt that.  But carry on."

Baldrick: "First we build a great huge enormous boat an' we paint the name
'Titanium' on it an' pretend as it's unthinkable..."

Rowan: "'Unsinkable?'  I believe that I see where this is going."

Baldrick [eagerly:]  "--an' then we sail away until we hit a big cold lumpy
thing an' the boat goes to the bottom,--"

Rowan: "I'm with you so far, sadly enough."

Baldrick: "-- then comes the *really* cunning bit -- after eighty years, the
Selfish Company,--"

Rowan [under his breath:] "'Salvage' company..."

Baldrick: "--sails right to where we was last seen an' hauls us to the
surface!"

Rowan: "Right. That's it,--no more movies for you." (putting an arm around
Baldrick's scrawny little neck, the better to strangle him) "I'm almost sure
that I've spotted the tiny flaw in this scheme, Balders.  Try to come up with
one that has fewer drowned corpses in it."


    *                   *                    *

Later that afternoon our friends' spirits have revived considerably (thanks in
part to that fermented coconut milk) and they are discussing ways to improve
their present situation.

Dix: "It seems to me that if we could manage to get to that mountain top over
there we might stand a better chance of signaling for help."

Tim: "Well, we would have a better view of all this Godforsaken terrain, if
you consider that a plus."

Dix: "We could always send Baldrick up first, in case of hostile natives, wild
beasts or noxious swamp gases.  Where is he, by the way?"

Rowan: "I grew tired of having him around,--again,--and told him that there
was a diamond mine somewhere in the interior and not to come back except with
a few samples. And nothing under twenty carats, if he expected to get any
dinner."

Dix: "That seems fair."

Tim: "Indubitably. And speaking of dinner, are those plantains and the
lobsters about done?"

As Dix goes to check on the food, she hears the sound of something approaching
through the underbrush behind the hut.

Dix: "First dibs on the diamonds, fellows,--uh-oh..."

Several huge shaggy forms shamble into view, their beady little eyes gleaming
under overhanging frontal bones.

Rowan: "Oh, (unprintable descriptive epithet)!!"

Tim: "Likewise."

Dix: "I thought 'Congo' was fictional!  This is really getting tiresome."

As the gorillas draw closer to our friends, they break ranks and reveal
Baldrick being carried by two gorillas; he is seated on a small covered
platform and wearing a lei made of gaudy jungle flowers.  Another ape is
fanning him with a palm frond.

Rowan: "How embarrassing,--I didn't know that Baldrick *had* any living
relatives!"


                  *                *                  *

As if our friends didn't have enough to worry about, what with the plane crash
on an isolated portion of the coast of Africa, the unremitting diet of sea
food and tropical fruit, the total absence of their Timbo friends,--

(Dix: "Say...you may have something there...")

--they have now fallen into the paws of a tribe of very large gorillas who are
leading them into the depths of the jungle...

Rowan [to Baldrick:]  "Ah, Balders, you know that I've always encouraged you
to make friends among your own special mental group?"

Baldrick: "Yes, my lord."

Rowan: "--never dreaming for a moment that such creatures might actually
exist..."

A gorilla comes up behind him and prods him forward.  Rowan catches up with
Tim and Dix.

Tim: "You know, even one of Baldrick's cunning plans might look promising at
this point."

Dix: "We aren't that desperate yet."

      *                   *                    *

After what seems like miles of aimless meandering through the thick
undergrowth, a clearing appears.  And in that clearing is a sound truck,
several trailers and a dozen or so people with movie cameras and other
equipment.

Rowan: "Civilization!!  Or something quite similar."

Tim: "Oh, God,--I hope they aren't doing a 'Congo' sequel.  No, wait,--I was
killed in the first one, so they can't want me to reprise my role."

Dix: "Wonder who that director is?  The tall tanned blond with the broad
shoulders..."

Rowan: "Why would that possibly interest you, my sweet?"

Dix: "Just adding to my store of trivia, dear."

The tall man strolls over to our party.

Man: "Good, they found you.  I'm China Randall and these are my people [waving
a hand toward the crew].  We're making a documentary here, and we heard that
your plane went missing somewhere in the area so I sent out some of the
fellows to look for you."

Rowan: "Pleased, I'm sure."

Tim: "But why are they dressed in gorilla suits?"

China: "We had hoped to film the real thing, but brought along the outfits
just in case.  And while they're wearing them, it's easier to blend in with
the other wild life."

Dix: "Makes sense to me."

Tim: "Ye-e-e-es...but suppose they attracted some *real* gorillas..."

China [laughing:] "I doubt that.  The really big ones are up in the mountains,
guarding their secret diamond mine."

Dix [laughing:] "Right.  You didn't work on 'Congo,' did you?  That plotline
sounds awfully familiar."

Rowan: "It should.  It dates back to the melodramatic effusions of H. Rider
Haggard, circa 1916."

Tim: "Ah, yes, as a boy I often identified myself with Alan Quatermain,
seeking the lost treasures of She Who Must Be Obeyed..."

Dix: "And then you grew up and met me."

Tim [fondling her hand:] "'Tis true...and then you also met Rowan."

Dix: "I'll say!!--that is, I have room in my affections for both of you."

Baldrick: "Ummm..."

Dix: "Ah, ah,--I've said it before and I'll say it again:  Find something in
your own species.  Or, better yet, lavish your attention on your true love --
turnips."

Baldrick, reminded, takes a small turnip out of the recesses of his repulsive
garment and eyes it lovingly.  Equilibrium is restored.

In the meantime, China has been busy placing some of his "gorillas" on their
marks for a new scene.  Only he seems to have more gorillas than he started
with...at least a dozen more. And none of them have visible zippers in their
hairy costumes.

Rowan [edging toward the fringe of the clearing:] "In the words of Edmund
Blackadder in a similar life-endangering situation, 'FLEE!!'"


                  *                 *                 *

Using all the evasive skills at their command, our friends have managed to
slip away unnoticed as China Randall continues to try to get a performance out
of his new recruits.

Tim, Dix and Rowan, having put a considerable distance between themselves and
the film group, stop to catch their breath.

Dix [panting:] "Let's rest for a minute, fellows."

Tim [dropping face down on a carpet of leaves:] "Yes, let's.  I'm beginning to
feel like one of the four major food groups."

Rowan [leaning casually against a tree and mopping his forehead:] "I believe
gorillas to be vegetarians, but am not prepared to test this theory
personally."

Dix: "Do you think it was cowardly of us to leave Randall and the others to
the mercy of those monsters?"

Rowan: "Don't give it a thought.  As soon as they find out that he can get
them a Hollywood contract they'll be fawning at his feet."

Tim: "You're right,--they'll be doing commercials for shampoo and underarm
deodorants before they know what hit them."

Somewhat rested, our trio continues to make its way deeper into the jungle.

Dix [tripping over a root:] "Ouch.  You know, I almost wish we had some Timbos
along..."

Tim: "Are you serious?"

Rowan: "I think she means that we could count on being safe from wild animals
as long as we had some succulent, tender substitutes to distract their
attention."

Dix [looking as innocent as possible - not very:] "Such a thought hardly
entered my mind."

As Tim uses his faithful Swiss Army knife to cut through a tangle of drooping
foliage, a clearing appears before them -- and a small bright red aircraft
sitting perkily on an airstrip, facing in their direction.  A leather-clad
pilot is just jumping down from the plane.

Tim: "Do you think we may be saved?  Or is it too soon to tell?"

Dix: "Unless we're hallucinating and it's Amelia Earhart..."

The pilot hurries toward them, peeling off a leather helmet and goggles on the
way --  and revealing herself as an attractive young woman...

Woman [German accent:]  "Aaah, at last!!  I am Andrea...and *you* are the
magnificent Herr Tim Curry, are you not?  But do not answer, I can see that
you are...the curly hair, the sensuous lips.."

Dix: "Nice to meet you, Andrea..."

Andrea [paying no attention to Dix or Rowan:] "..I am a licensed pilot and
when I heard that your plane was missing I immediately set forth to find you
or die,--yes, *die* in the attempt!!"

Rowan: "Oh, God, not another Timbo."

Dix: "And what a one-track mind she seems to have.  Come, Tim, let's take our
chances with the lions and tigers and bears, oh, my."

Andrea [clutching Tim's hand and leading him forcefully toward the plane:]
"Let me show you things you've never dreamed of, Meine Liebling,--"

Tim: "Uh, just a moment,--I have some pretty wild dreams..."

They have reached the plane by now, but Dix and Rowan have caught up and Dix
takes Tim's other arm.

Dix: "Not so fast, Fraulein,--finders keepers and I found him first!"

Andrea reaches into the cockpit and grabs a wrench, which she brings down on
the back of Dix's head.  Dix releases her grip on Tim and would drop to the
ground but Rowan breaks her fall and holds her close.

Rowan: "After all, 'sharing' is a noble concept. Auf vviedersehen, gnadige
fraulein, and don't hurry back."

Andrea stuffs the protesting Tim into the co-pilot's seat, then hurries to the
nose of the plane to spin the propeller by hand.  But the propeller seems to
be missing...

Rowan [sitting under a tree with the unconscious Dix on his lap:] "Oh, damn!
Don't you have a spare?" (thinking it over) "Baldrick!!"

Baldrick wanders out from behind the plane, half of the propeller in one hand.

Baldrick: "Yes, my lord?"

Rowan: "What did you do with this charming young lady's propeller?"

Baldrick: "I thought it was one of them stick-things that comes back when you
throws it, but the other part didn't..."

Dix begins to revive, and she's bloody annoyed.

Dix: "Where's that little bit of pumpernickel who sucker-punched me?!"

Tim has climbed out of the plane while Andrea's attention is temporarily
distracted.

Andrea [reasonably, to Dix:] "Surely you do not need both of these so-
attractive gentlemen?  I wish to have Tim to myself for awhile...to show him
the passions, the hungers of a little madchen of Berlin..."

Rowan [yawning:] "I'm getting a bit hungry myself."

At this moment, the stillness is broken by the sound of approaching aircraft.

Dix: "Don't tell me you brought the Red Baron along to back you up!"

Andrea: "Donnerwetter!  More interference!"

And she is right, because a fleet of helicopters are circling overhead.  Their
hatches open and the figures of several people in jungle gear begin to rappel
earhwards.

Dix recognizes familiar faces as the rescue unit members drop to the grass.

Dix: "Cap'n Martha, Christine Z, Linda F, owlett, Deborah, Jacquie, Annie,
Patty, -- all right, you guys,--who's minding the TC List?"

Tim: "Well, we can't get any more rescued than this..."

Cap'n Martha [to the Timbos:] "All for one,--"

And the Timbos roar back: "And more for Tim!!!!!!!!!"


       *               *               *

Next evening our friends are back at Tim's home, recovering from the gigantic
"Welcome Home" party of the night before that resulted in all of the Timbos
being banned forever from the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion...

Dix [still picking confetti out of her hair:] "All's well that ends sometimes,
don't you think?  What a time we had getting Andrea onto that Luftshana
jet..."

Rowan: "I still think that you should have allowed me to put a few airholes in
that crate."

Dix: "It's a short trip; she'll be fine."

Tim: "At least we didn't get stuck in some subterranean diamond mine where we
would have been forced into slave labour.  My hands blister fairly easily."

Rowan: "That reminds me,--Baldrick!!"

Baldrick [smiling shyly around a mouthful of turnip:] "Yes, my lord?"

Rowan: "Eating again?  I told you that you weren't going to be fed until you
brought back some diamonds."

Baldrick [reaching into his even-more-wretched garment:] "I couldn't find none
what was shaped like a carrot, so I got these what looked like turnips..."

He spills a dozen very large uncut diamonds onto the coffee table.

Tim, Dix and Rowan: "Oh, very well done!!"

The End (till next time)

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