A-Dell did not want the moment to pass, he needed to know more. Desperately, heasked, changing the subject slightly, ‘Who is your Master?’
Obi-Wan hesitated momentarily.
‘Qui-Gon Jinn’ Obi-Wan said gently. ‘ Now…’
‘Qui-Gon Jinn, WOW! He’s a _super_ hero!’
Obi-Wan had to smile. ‘Yes he is,’ he answered simply.
‘You must have had some great adventures - eh! - missions with him. Tell us about them,’ Badd-r asked still hopeful of further tales.
‘No.’ Obi-Wan replied flatly.
‘Oh! Go on, you’re _so_ mean. Tell us about your last mission.’
Obi-Wan closed his eyes. His heart contracted with pain as the thoughts of that final battle flooded his memory. Quickly he opened his eyes to rid himself of the memory.
Two sets of hopeful eyes were watching him intently. These boys were not going to take no for an answer. He wondered if he had been so insistent as a nine-year-old.
With a sigh he said, ‘I cannot tell you about the last mission but I will tell you about my first one as a padawan. Will that do?’
‘Yes,’ came the reply from two happy faces. All three settled back to enjoy the story.
‘It was my thirteenth birthday…’ Obi-Wan began. He then told them how he and Qui-Gon had been ‘kidnapped’ by two Phindian brothers who wanted them to help overthrow an evil ruler. He told them about the plans they made. The battles they had fought and won. About using the Force to withstand a memory swipe. His subsequent exile to Gala and then stowing away on a Prince’s ship to return to Phindar to continue the mission with his Master. He told them about the final battle they had fought with their allies to bring about the success of the mission.
The boys were mesmerised. Seldom had they heard such a fine tale about a real mission. Usually they only heard snippets of stories and never first-hand. They didn’t want Obi-Wan to stop. ‘Tell us another.’ They begged.
‘Not tonight. It’s getting late and you two need to clean yourselves, tend to your wounds and get some sleep.’ Obi-Wan stood up to signify the end of the session. The two boys were still not satisfied and were desperately thinking of a way to convince Obi-Wan that he wanted to tell them more.
‘Obi-Wan one final question?’ A-Dell asked quickly.
Obi-Wan sighed, do they ever give up?
‘Why does the memory of your last mission cause you so much pain.’
Obi-Wan had not expected this question. He was not prepared for it. Of all the questions he could have asked why pick that one. Even though it pained him he couldn’t help being impressed by the boy’s insight. He wondered if it would be wise to tell them. They were so naïve. Living in the Temple, they were protected from much of the pain, suffering and evil that existed in the Galaxy. Still, they did have a romantic view of warriors and battles and it wouldn’t be such a bad idea for them to realise that war isn’t all about glory but that it nearly always brings much suffering too.
He made his decision.
‘A good friend of mine was killed in the final battle,’ he said sadly.
‘Was he a Jedi too?’
‘She, not he, and yes she was a Jedi. A good one too.’ It hurt to say the words but Obi-Wan continued. ‘She threw herself in front of a Blaster bolt that was meant for me and,’ he hesitated, ‘died as a result.’
He paused sadly recalling the scene. Kneeling beside her, holding her in his arms. He had pleaded with her not to give-up. To stay. Not to give-in to the Force. He saw the acceptance in her eyes but still he pleaded. Unable to speak she had smiled and died in his arms. She had been calm, accepting her fate like a true Jedi. Still he would not let he go. He remembered Qui-Gon gently but firmly putting his hand on his shoulder insisting that he left her. He had shrugged him off. ‘You must let her go,’ he heard his Master say. ‘She is one with the Force.’ Eventually, he did let her go, physically at least but in his mind he could not. Even now he held her. ‘She was my friend and now she is dead,’ he said solemnly. Then, almost to himself, he added, ‘It is my fault.’
Neither A-Dell nor Badd-r really understood Obi-Wan’s anguish and pain. And his self-doubt was beyond them. Death holds little fear for nine-year-olds. A-Dell actually thought that it sounded like a splendid way to die, saving the life of your friend and a Jedi too. That was to die like a true hero!
Innocently, he remarked, ‘how can it have been your fault Obi-Wan. You didn’t fire the Blaster. She was your friend and she gave up her life to save you. You are lucky to have such a loyal friend.’
Seeing Obi-Wan downcast face he added ‘Wouldn’t you have done the same for her?’
‘Yes, a hundred time over, if only I had the chance.’
‘But she’s given you that chance Obi-Wan,’ Badd-r said with the simple logic of a child. ‘By saving you she has given you the chance to save others. Every person you protect, defend or save will be a tribute to your friend. You must see that?’
Obi-Wan had never thought of it like that before. She had given him a gift, the greatest gift of all, his life. A-Dell was right. He would have done the same for her. She wouldn’t have refused his gift. He couldn’t refuse hers. True, he could never bring her back but he could repay his debt giving the same gift to others. As a Jedi Knight he would have the chance to do this. It was all so clear to him now. Why hadn’t he seen this before? He had to become a Jedi Knight, it was his destiny. Qui-Gon had been right. As usual, he had seen the bigger picture lying beyond the immediate issues. Was this what Qui-Gon had meant when he told him to open his mind?
Obi-Wan suddenly realised that the two boys were staring at him. ‘Yes, I do see that - now.’ He took up the two lightsabres almost mechanically and handed them back to the boys. Forcing himself back to reality he said in a tone that brooked no argument. ‘Now come on, you really must get to bed.’ Walking towards the door he said, ‘I’ll see you to your rooms.’
Badd-r and A-Dell followed him slowly. They could both hear the resolve in his voice and knew there was no point in trying to dissuade him any longer. They both had the same worry on their minds, was he going to report them to the Masters? Badd-r nodded to A-Dell indicating that he should ask Obi-Wan, A-Dell shook his head. Hardly daring to ask Badd-r braved it and said, ‘Obi-Wan, are you going to tell the Masters about us fighting?’
Obi-Wan stopped and considered this for a while. He had learnt a lot from their meeting. More than they could every imagine. He knew that he would have been grateful for the break when he was like them. ‘No,’ he decided ‘We all had something to learn here tonight. It was meant to be.’ The boys glanced at one another, a look of relief passing between them.
‘However,’ he continued. Two alert faces told him he had their attention. ‘Should I ever hear of you provoking each other again, my conscience wouldn’t allow me to hold my peace.’ The boys grinned at him. He had told them enough of the life of a padawan for them to know that that was what they really wanted even if it meant dealing with their anger and their mutual dislike.
Obi-Wan walked them as far as their corridor.
‘Clean yourselves up and tend to those wounds. You don’t want any marks showing in the morning,’ he warned. He started to walk away but turned back to say ‘And … hold on to your dreams. They’re worth it!’
In perfect unison the two boys replied. ‘And you hold onto yours too. Obi-Wan Kenobi.’
Obi-Wan smiled and walked on towards his own room. ‘I will!’ he told himself ‘I will.’
*****
When Obi-Wan returned to his room there was a message that Qui-Gon has been
trying to reach him. He immediately contacted his Master.
‘Where have you been? I’ve been trying to contact you for the last hour.’ Qui-Gon said as his hologram appeared.
‘I’m sorry Master, I wasn’t anywhere in particular, just around the Temple.’
‘Without your com link?’ came the incredulous reply.
‘Yes,’ Obi-Wan admitted and hesitantly added. ‘Without my utility belt.’ He waited for the rebuke.
None came.
Qui-Gon felt a keen disappointment with Obi-Wan’s behaviour. However he knew that chiding would do nothing now but reinforce the boy’s own low self-esteem. Besides he did not want another conflict. The boy needed to trust him, to see him as somebody he could confide in. He didn’t need a disciplinarian now he needed a mentor.
Keeping the conversation neutral, Qui-Gon told him about his day’s activities. He told him about Thom RosAntu and how he had gained a lot of respect for this Leader even in the short time he had known him. It had been an uneventful but pleasant day.
Qui-Gon wanted to ask Obi-Wan how he was getting on with his own mission, but he did not want to rush the boy so he had hoped that Obi-Wan would tell him without need for prompting. When Obi-Wan offered no account of his day or mission, Qui-Gon resigned himself to another day’s wait and asked Obi-Wan what his plans were for the following day.
Obi-Wan told him that he had no fixed plans but that he thought he might visit a visit a nearby market that he knew. He said he had been on his way to seek permission from Master Yoda earlier in the evening but had got distracted and never did get to met the Master. While Qui-Gon was still wondering whether or not he should ask about the distraction, Obi-Wan laughed. Then he told Qui-Gon that he had, by chance, come across two young initiates, whose conduct had reminded him of himself at a similar age and that their subsequent encounter had been _interesting_. He added that he hadn’t realised that nine-year-olds could be so headstrong.
Qui-Gon smiled at this: it took one to know one. Nonetheless, he was pleased to see Obi-Wan in such good spirits, this ‘chance’ encounter seemed to have done him a lot of good and he wondered about the boys.
‘And you advised them well? Obi-Wan,’ he asked with more than a hint of mischief in his voice.
‘I gave them the benefit of my experience in these matters,’ Obi-Wan replied, a smile playing on his lips. He laughed. ‘It was the best I could offer.’
‘It is the best anyone can offer. It wasn’t chance that sent you there.’ Qui-Gon added with confidence. ‘The Force found them the best available advisor.’ Obi-Wan could not help feeling some pleasure at this compliment. ‘It was the will of the Force,’ Qui-Gon added.
Obi-Wan remembered his mental note to talk to Qui-Gon about this, he grew more serious. ‘Master, may I ask you something?’ His light tone all but gone.
Qui-Gon nodded, his face showing no emotion. Inwardly, however, he was overjoyed that the boy was finally seeking his counsel. This was the breakthrough he had been waiting for and even if it turned out to be nothing to do with Bant, Qui-Gon knew that it could lead the way to further discussions.
Obi-Wan paused for a few moments, Qui-Gon could feel his padawan’s efforts to make sense of his confused thoughts. To Qui-Gon’s relief he perceived that Obi-Wan was thinking of Bant’s death. But Obi-Wan was having difficulty forming his question. In an effort to help him Qui-Gon said quietly, ‘she died like a Jedi, Obi-Wan, with calm and acceptance.’ Obi-Wan looked at Qui-Gon, grateful for the bond of understanding that they shared.
‘She accepted her destiny. She accepted the Will of the Force,’ Obi-Wan said hesitantly. Still trying to sort out his thoughts in his own mind. ‘Master, why is it that I cannot accept her death? Why does it pain me so?’
Obi-Wan’s sorrow cut through Qui-Gon like a vibro-axe. Qui-Gon took a deep breath to compose himself. He knew he must chose his words carefully. He wished he’d taken Yoda advise and prepared better for this moment – it was never wise to ignore the old Master’s advise. However, now was not the time for self-reproach. He called on the Force to guide him. He waited until he felt it surround him.
‘The pain you feel is normal. Grieving is a natural process. It cannot be hurried. This death is particularly difficult for you, Obi-Wan. She was your friend. She died to save you. But her legacy to you is more than just life. She also left you the guilt of her death. This is a heavy burden to bear.’
Obi-Wan said nothing, he was relieved that his feelings were normal and that Qui-Gon understood the burden he felt. Qui-Gon could sense the relief in the boy and continued ‘You feel angry. Anger at the one who fired the shot. Anger at your own incapacity to save her and’ he paused, then continued cautiously, ‘even anger at Bant for dying and leaving you with this hardship.’
Obi-Wan heard the words and they seemed to come from his own heart. He felt this anger, all of it but he hadn’t understood it before. Qui-Gon’s words had somehow made it more tangible. Now that he recognised it he was beginning to see how senseless it was. There was nothing to be angry about. Bant accepted her destiny, so must he.
Qui-Gon felt a tranquillity come over Obi-Wan.
Qui-Gon continued compassionately. ‘The pain may never go away. But in time it will ease and become more bearable. Then you will be able to accept her destiny and your part in it. Time is a great healer. And you must take time to allow the healing.’
Obi-Wan took comfort from Qui-Gon’s words. He wasn’t expected to bounce back from this unscathed. He had been given leave to grieve in his own time. To reach his own calm. It was acceptable to feel sorrow. He was grateful for this.
Qui-Gon wished, not for the first time, that he was there with the boy. He studied him carefully, he couldn’t quite read his feelings. He knew it would be intrusive to question. It would be wrong to violate the boy’s privacy. He waited.
Eventually Obi-Wan looked at him. ‘Master, with respect I would like to be alone now.’ Qui-Gon nodded. ‘Of course,’ he said. ‘Sleep well Obi-Wan.’
In the seclusion of his own room Obi-Wan allowed himself to weep for his friend.
TBC
You are visitor # to come here since April 27, 2000.
© 2000 heather.lively@ns.sympatico.ca
Get your own Free Home Page